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Will it harm my unborn child when i cry for 6 hours a day?

(46 Posts)
Pregnant1996 Mon 16-Oct-17 15:06:24

Hi All,
Im not really sure what im doing here, but im 25weeks+3 today and absoutely ecstatic about the upcoming arrival of my little boy.
However, stressors like money and wether ill be a successful mother keep getting me down, my cat has fleas and i cannot afford to get it treated, i have been on sick leave from my employment since june due to hypermesis and every day i feel more and more alone.
Its 3pm right now and im lying in a dark room sobbing, my partner thinks i am exaggerating or making a big deal out of nothing but he is completely unaware of my/our financial situation, he has no income, skills, or education and has no drive to find a job. He's 20 and still basically a child, he sits all afternoon, evening and night playing online on his PlayStation, then sleeps through the day while i attempt to keep our house clean and prepare for our new arrival. I havent seen him lift a finger to wash a dish, clean a litter tray or anything in months and doing it all myself makes me worry about my health mentally and physically.
I love him and want him to be a part of our sons life, but i have no friends to confide in or talk to and cant tell my family how i feel as their advice is - leave him, give up the house and move back home.

Does anyone have any advice on how to feel less alone and how to stop crying all the time? I just want my baby to be okay and instead i spend hours a day apologising to my little bump for how much i must put him through.
Thank you and sorry for the babbling thread.

Anatidae Mon 16-Oct-17 15:11:55

Firstly, your stress levels DO NOT affect your baby, they are really well insulated in there and you are not harming him or her by being upset. (I am a scientist and I assure you this is true! )

Secondly your other half seems useless. He needs to realise that if you do leave him he will be paying for the maintenance and having to do his own housework.

So. Turn off the WiFi.
Have a talk with him.
And speak to your family, because I know you say you love him but if he’s a useless uncaring drain then you have two children and no support. They may just be right.

Pregnant1996 Mon 16-Oct-17 15:16:45

Thank you so much for this! I had my 25 week midwifes appointment today and they said almost the same, i have been super worried as i dont seem to feel little one's movements, but others can when they lie a hand on my bump sad
I have been so worried that getitng upset would harm him that ive been getting upset about it!!
And i think when it comes to my partner, i need to grow a pair and actually tell him how awful it makes me feel that he wont even clear the litter tray when its supposed to be dangerous me doing it! sad
Thank you again for the re-assurance x

OccasionalNachos Mon 16-Oct-17 15:20:34

What do you like about your partner?

PinkHeart5914 Mon 16-Oct-17 15:24:19

Firstly no it won’t harm the unborn baby, babies are born all over the world in stressful environments.

It’s natural to worry if your be a successful mother or not, I think most mums to be have a panic moment about this.

With your cat, i am assuming your be on low pay due to being off sick? So would somewhere like the pdsa vets help?

Your dp Sounds like a waste of space and if he is behaving like that now he won’t make any kind of father, so cut your losses and get rid then go home to your family would be my advice

AnUtterIdiot Mon 16-Oct-17 15:34:27

Oh OP. I'm sorry it's all so stressful. I'm utterly fed up with the whole "stress is bad for the baby" thing because it's not true and, frankly, there'd be nothing you could do if it was - life happens and people get anxious about it. Emotions are felt. I tend to feel that the whole "stress is bad for the baby" thing is just another way of making women feel anxious about being pregnant!

actino Mon 16-Oct-17 15:34:48

A long term partnership requires both love AND respect. Do you respect him? I could not respect a man who won't step up and act like a responsible adult (at all, and definitely not with a child on the way!)

FeedMyFaceWithPeanutButterCups Mon 16-Oct-17 15:57:35

For goodness sake.
Pull up your big girl pants and crack on with it.
1) if you can't afford regular flea and worm treatments for your cat then really you shouldn't have one.
2) Your partner sounds like a total waste of space, if he's not supporting you in the way you require through your pregnancy, what good do you think he's going to be to you when the baby comes?
3) you need to get your shit together before the baby comes.

I say all this as someone who is 34 weeks pregnant.

owltrousers Mon 16-Oct-17 16:32:19

1) if you can't afford regular flea and worm treatments for your cat then really you shouldn't have one.

Thats not really helping is it?

Speak to the PDSA OP, they might be able to help you out with some flea treatment for your cat. If not - sit with a nit comb and brush the cat and drown the little buggers in a jug of boiling water, not a solution but keeps them at bay for now.

manchesteruntied Mon 16-Oct-17 16:38:39

<3 you sound like you're going to be a lovely mummy, please don't worry about that side of things.

Have you thought about just going to your fam's for a week or two- just for a break? It can be so lovely when someone else makes you a cup of tea, and the break might help you to see things in a new light.

Don't worry about baba, he's getting lots of love from you already smile but I would think about going to your GP and just telling them how you feel- even that can make you feel better (first trimester for me, atm lots of crying). Now is a good time to start making friends- I don't know anyone here because we've moved, but now I'm preggy I'm gonna start trying to find other mummies for some support.

Try to be kind to yourself <3

Let us know how you get on xxx

Hotpinkangel19 Mon 16-Oct-17 16:57:14

Stress won’t hurt baby, as won’t crying. I’m 28 weeks pregnant and during the 28 weeks I’ve been pregnant I have done nothing but cry and worry. My Mum and Dad died within 11 weeks of each other June- August. This was the first question I asked my consultant and midwives.

Ploppie4 Mon 16-Oct-17 17:02:05

Leave go stay with your family for a month. Reassess the situation from afar. Consider issuing an ultimatum. Find work and pull your weight in the house and you’ll return. If he really truely loves you, he will make the effort. If not say goodbye and move on

Ploppie4 Mon 16-Oct-17 17:04:51

Pregnancy depression could easily slip into PND. So there is an urgency to resolve things one way or another before the baby comes along. So crack on!

Ploppie4 Mon 16-Oct-17 17:08:02

The first step has to be talking about the problem. Op text your closest family and closest friends. Be honest. Tell them you’re not coping. Give your true friends and family an opportunity to support you.

Cappuccinoloverr Mon 16-Oct-17 17:10:14

Also look up the Blue Cross, sometimes they let you have free treatment.

Do you have family support? Mum? Friends?

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Mon 16-Oct-17 17:13:02

You poor love - ignore the carpers whose sole reason for living seems to be kicking people when they're down!
You will NOT harm your baby. I was pg during one of the most stressful periods of my life, ds was still a baby and not developing, I had new job, moved to London, couldn't find permanent place to live, and dd is the happiest bounciest child you could wish to meet. You need your dp to support you though; he is minimising your feelings because if he acknowledges them he knows he'll have to do something.
But put harm to baby out of mind. It's not going to happen.

fakenamefornow Mon 16-Oct-17 17:15:04

Im with your family op, your partner sounds useless, I'd leave him. flowers

Ploppie4 Mon 16-Oct-17 17:15:39

‘Hi x. Can we talk this week? I’m not coping at the moment. Crying all the time with worry about finance. Also despite my illness DH sits playing computer games all day and doesn’t lift a finger! Love x’

Ploppie4 Mon 16-Oct-17 17:16:05

Also talk to your midwife

Pregnant1996 Mon 16-Oct-17 17:16:07

Thank you everyone for the advice and support, i think you're all right about my partner, i need to grow up and tell him how it is! And i think visiting with family for a while might be just what i need 💖 i appreciate that you all had such nice things to say to reassure me about my crying and stress (im crying again just because of the nice things people have said) FeedMyFace, i should have specified that it is actually my partners cat that he moved into my house, i dont particularily want a pet however feel obliged to take care of it as it is an animal and its innocent, i am on reduced funds due to long term sick leave so will be taking her to the local PDSA for treatment, its cruel to her to not have her treated in some way. However there's no need to be so blunt, im well aware i need to get my shit together, but when you ask for support and advice in a difficult time you dont need unhelpful comments. Yes you might be better at pregnancy than i am, but it hurts to know that someone would actually point that out sad

AfterSchoolWorry Mon 16-Oct-17 17:16:10

cant tell my family how i feel as their advice is - leave him, give up the house and move back home

They're right OP. Your 'partner' is going to be a deadbeat Dad. You're wasting your time with him.

fakenamefornow Mon 16-Oct-17 17:19:19

One thing op, if you do ever leave him, sort out the money. Is the house you live in rented? If it is and your name is on the tenancy agreement if you move out and he stays you will continue to be liable for any rent even though you don't live there anymore.

Penguin27 Mon 16-Oct-17 17:21:34

Feedmyface, your whole post is unhelpful.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down, OP flowers It sounds like you may be suffering with depression. I'd strongly suggest that you speak to your midwife and GP about how you're feeling. Your midwife my be able to refer you to specialist mental health midwife who can give you tailored antenatal care. I'm under the care of one, she's lovely and very supportive and understanding. I've been referred to a course where I can meet other mums-to-be with similar issues, where we'll be learning about the pressures of pregnancy/parenthood, your changing identity as a new mum, the myths of being a "perfect" parent and a whole range of other stuff. If there's something similar in your area, this could be really helpful for you? I've also been referred for CBT which is something else that you might benefit from. Your GP may be able prescribe you anti-depressants if you feel that would be helpful, but it's entirely up to you.

Your partner really does sound like a waste of space. He should be doting on you and doing everything he can to support you. Have you tried talking to him about how you're feeling? I think you should get some space from him for a while to gain some perspective on your relationship. Doing this alone will be easier than struggling to maintain an unhappy relationship as well.

Do you have any time for yourself, to relax and do things you enjoy? It's really important for your mental health to make sure you look after yourself physically (exercise, eat properly) and emotionally (hobbies, spending time with loved ones).

I really hope you're able to get the support you need. As my mental health midwife said to me last week, the baby blues is very common in the first few weeks after the baby is born and makes a lot of new mums feel very low. That's ok if you're coming at it from a stable place, but if you're already in a low place when that hits it'll be so much harder. The priority is to get you feeling better.

Pregnant1996 Mon 16-Oct-17 17:26:23

fakenamefornow its my tenancy, so if i left, he would be leaving too. I need to stop worrying about where he would go etc and think about my little one's future, better off with just a mummy than a mummy and a daddy who wont put any effort in x

Anatidae Mon 16-Oct-17 17:27:52

You may be depressed. But also you may just be reacting appropriately to what is a shit situation.

Go to your parents for a break. Be kind to yourself. Tell your oh to shape up or ship out.

And turn the WiFi off ;)

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