I've also posted this in mental health I wasn't sure where to post

[nousername123]

I just need to get things off of my chest really and I’m scared to talk to anyone. I’ve spoken to my partner but only skimmed the surface, he doesn’t see me cry or get upset I’m a very private person. I’m in my mid 20’s and I’m in my second trimester of pregnancy. Thankfully, the baby seems normal and healthy and I’m already in love with my little one. To me, this baby is everything. This is just a rant so I do apologise. When I was 19, I got pregnant by a married man (I was told he was separated) I’m not excusing my behaviour but it happened, he was awful and very unsupportive, I lived with my parents and I honestly was too young to cope. I had a few problems with bleeding and they said there could be a problem with the baby so cutting a long story short, I had an abortion. I was on my own, the only person that knows what really happened is the married man. It was a very difficult decision and one I’ve regretted every day for the rest of my life and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t hate myself for what I’ve done. What’s worse is I work with my mum and obviously live at home, I had to have a week off sick because of the affects of the abortion. So I eventually told my mum I had been pregnant and that it wasn’t meant to be. She is totally against abortion so I didn’t elaborate on details. I let her assume I had a miscarriage so to this day, that is what she believes happened.
So fast forward to today, My fiancé is lovely, perfect really, treats me like a queen, and I have everything to be happy about. we just belong together and we both know it.
So I’ve moved in with him obviously and am pregnant which I’m very happy about. I’ve always struggled silently with mental health and was only on medication for a short while as I was ashamed. I literally didn’t tell a soul and I just try my best to get on with it, breaking down when no one is around.
Since I’ve been pregnant, it’s been a lot worse, to the extent that I’m no longer able to hide it and have frequent panic attacks even at work, so although people know, they don’t know the extent. I’m also having horrible thoughts all the time of death. Mostly suicidal thoughts and thinking of different ways to do it. I can’t sleep, every time I close my eyes i have a nightmare of killing myself or someone else. Please understand that I don’t want to die, I have a lot to be thankful for and I love my family and my fiancé and unborn baby very much. We are realising financial difficulty in the near future as we have a lot of outgoings that we can’t cut down so have turned to the council for help, hoping they can provide us with accommodation. Well I found out today that they can’t, we earn too much apparently, however whilst on maternity leave we will literally have £33 a month to live off of. Which is obviously impossible. My partner saw me break down for the first time. I haven’t told him about my intrusive thoughts. I know most people will think “get help, get counselling etc” which I would if I wasn’t pregnant but I’m worried that when my baby is born they will take my baby away from me and label me insane or something. I haven’t had any thoughts of hurting my baby thankfully but obviously after the baby is born, I will most likely have post natal depression, I’m scared of my own mind and I’m scared of going mad. My partner is taking 2 weeks off when the baby is born and I’ve told him he can’t leave me alone with the baby, he thinks it’s because it’s my first child and I’m worried I won’t know what to do (he has 4 from a previous marriage) but it’s honestly because I’m scared of hurting my baby, the thought of that makes me feel sick and I hate myself. I love my unborn child, please realise I’m not crazy. I’ve seen a doctor and said that I think I need to be on medication and they’ve said not whilst pregnant. They don’t know the extent of it because like I said earlier I’m worried that they’ll label me insane and take my baby and I just can’t even cope with that idea. I’m not really asking for someone to solve my problems but any comments are welcome I just really needed to get it off of my chest, I’m sorry for the rant!x

[nousername123]

What’s worse, is I’ve always been the hard working, realistic one. I keep myself together and I help my family and friends. from the outside people probably think I’m fine. I literally am the person you would least expect to have these thoughts and feelings and I know they’re irrational but I just can’t help it x

[ChocolatePancake]

I'm very sorry you feel like this but you need to seek help. The fact you're worried IN ADVANCE about impending bad feelings towards baby will make them realise you're trying to seek help and have no intention of doing anything bad. You can be fixed! This can be better. Hormones will make you feel worse and post natal depression isn't guaranteed, but you need to take the leap to seek proper help, you certainly won't be labelled insane... plenty of people need help!. Good luck

[LadyPug]

Hey nousername I’m so sorry to read this but please understand your hormones are up in the air and with everything that has happened to you I’m not surprised you’re suffering from such extreme anxiety. Please tell your midwife, mental health in pregnancy is well supported because so many people suffer. You are not alone, they will not take your baby away, they will support you but you need to get treated. Please talk to someone in rl about your feelings x

[nousername123]

Thank you. I am seeing my midwife next Wednesday so will speak to her then x

[WhatWouldGenghisDo]

Lovely this is antenatal anxiety. It's frightening when your thoughts start getting away from you like that but it's not at all uncommon. Health professionals are used to being told this kind of thing and they won't be shocked or surprised. You're not going mad and nobody is going to take your baby away. Do tell your midwife, it's what they're there for

[LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]

I have struggled with both ante-natal anxiety and post-natal depression in the past. I saw a counsellor on an individual basis and also went to a support group which was run by the same counsellor. She told me two very useful things - in 20 years of supporting women with post-natal depression and psychosis she had never known a woman be separated from her baby as a result of the illness and also that everyone recovers from the illness in the end - but people who get support recover much faster.

I know how terrifying it is and how its seems as though you will never, ever feel like yourself again. But you will. Particularly with your past history (and I know it doesn't help for me to say this, but you have nothing to be ashamed of) , I think it would be really sensible to get help. I would definitely speak to your midwife. I would also recommend having a look to see if there are any local support groups - I found mine through desperate googling at 4am and it pretty much saved my sanity!

[Positivevibe]

Hi OP,

I really recommend talking to a perinatal mental health service (hopefully there's one where you are). Ask your midwife or GP to refer you.
It is a safe space to talk about anything that worries you. They are very used to helping pregnant women on their journey to motherhood.
Also they can facilitate a care plan if they think you need one. Depending on the gravity of symptoms and your circumstances you may want /need more visits from midwives after birth for example. Although at first not related to mental health but due to complications during birth, midwives came more often and for longer than for other women I know. Health visitors did the same.
Do ask your midwife 😊

[1morechance]

Definitely talk to your midwife in the first instance. I have 2 close friends who went through something similar. Both sought help and got it and it was so so helpful. One of them stayed in a mum and baby unit for a few weeks and got loads of help which she is truly thankful for now.
Feeling this way is common esp. during pregnancy with all the hormones. Their are trained, kind professionals who will help you before it gets worse.
Good luck and huge hugs. xx

[Misspilly88]

Aw lovely. Please seek help through your midwife. Antenatal depression and anxiety are much more common than you'd think. The midwife will not be shocked by what you're saying. You can get help and support for this and nobody is going to judge you or take your baby away.

[radiosignal]

It sounds like you really haven't forgiven yourself for the abortion and subconsciously you are punishing yourself. You need to find a way to let this guilt go. You did the best thing you could at the time. You now have a wonderful partner and are expecting a child. These things happen. You are not a bad person. Please please find some counselling and work through this.

[Mrstobe90]

Sweetheart, it is very unlikely that they would ever take your baby away. I struggle with mental illness and was convinced about them taking my baby away as well but I now have a specialist mental health midwife who is fantastic and feel much better about everything.
The worst thing you can do is keep all these feelings inside to get worse. Speak to people who can and will help and you’ll find that taking that first step will make you feel much better. I hope everything works out for you xx