Feeling Sorry for Myself and Isolated

[Treemonkey76]

I am 16 weeks today. I am lucky enough to have two dc's one aged 11 the other coming up to 4.
Just over two years ago I experienced a soul destroying miscarriage at 20 weeks ( a little boy) and I had to go through the birthing process and pretty sure I ended up with ptsd.
Anyhow, against all odds - (I'm in my 40's and have had it confirmed that my fertility is ultra low), I have now found myself pregnant again.
Pregnancy after miscarriage is never easy but I find myself behaving in ways which is aggravating my sense of isolation but can't seem to help it - it is as if it is a form of self protection. Basically, I am avoiding people because I don't want them to know that I am pregnant (I have only confided in one friend and my dentist!) My miscarriage felt very public last time, all the untelling etc. when really I wanted to be left alone. I have no extended family and I am a sahm with my little one at pre-school. I was job hunting when I discovered I was pregnant this time, had joined a walking group and was bobbing along making plans.
Don't get me wrong, I am delighted to be pregnant and to have been granted this opportunity when all the odds are stacked against me but I am finding it unbearably difficult both from a psychological and physical point of view. I am being monitored closely and that is great but I still have to inject daily with fragmin and take a raft of pills (found to be borderline anaemic). Compared to what a lot of women are going through, I realise this is mild but I feel rubbish most of the time - bad taste, underlying nausea (though not actually sick) and sometimes tired plus not sleeping well. Just getting young dc off to pre-school in the mornings sometimes feels like a mammoth task and I certainly don't feel like buzzing around the house doing housework. Fortunately, dh is helpful; cooks, put the dc's to bed, deals with dishwasher etc. as well as works full-time but not being a woman (obviously), he doesn't get how it feels and has taken plenty of time off for extra scans/appointments etc. that I don't feel we can use any more of his leave to just take me out. I like to write but this is an isolating hobby - but I do go and sit in cafe's garden centre etc. to do it just to get out. I read, do crosswords and watch detective programmes to try and pass the time. I feel really bad because I feel too rubbish sometimes to want to interact with dc's. I wouldn't want to change things but I do wish time away, I feel like the world is passing me by whilst I try to cocoon myself in this bubble. I don't think I'm depressed exactly (and wouldn't want to take meds) but these past 4 months have felt like an eternity of worry etc. and I still have probably at least another 4.5 months to go. Previously in my two successful pregnancies I had worked but now looking back wondered how I managed feeling like this. I am also being ultra cautious following my recent miscarriage so would limit activities anyway even if I felt up to it. Can anyone else relate to any of this and just wishing time away?

[PenelopePuddleduck]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy. I can't imagine how hard that must have been. I'm now 8 weeks pregnant after recurrent early losses and feeling exactly like you described as 'feeling sorry for myself' and then incredibly guilty as all I ever wanted was to be pregnant again. I am over the moon at getting pregnant again but still can't shake the low, anxious feelings. I keep thinking (hoping) that's normal after losses and it will pass. I don't feel like talking to others either and am also injecting clexane (similar to fragmin?) which hurts and my stomach is a bruised mess. So I sympathise there! I also feel sick and am wishing the weeks away, wondering how I can cope with being pregnant if I feel so awful (then immediately feeling guilty again!)

But...I'm going to think up some strategies tonight to get me through. I've spoken to the consultant and I'm still ok to run so that helps. Would it be worth asking your care team what activities you can do? A gentle walking group if possible might make you feel less isolated? Are there any other clubs/groups like book groups or online forums you could chat to people? I've lurked on the pregnant after miscarriage thread here and it seems so supportive. It might take your mind off things, although I appreciate the feeling of not wanting to do anything. Most nights I just change into my pyjamas and wish away the time until bed.

I'm also going to be honest with my midwife and tell them if I continue to feel low. I had counselling after my last miscarriage and it helped so much. I found I could say things in there that I wouldn't even say to my partner & couldn't recommend it enough. Dont be afraid to talk to your midwives and ask for help.

[Treemonkey76]

Thank you Penelope and I am sorry that you have had to experience loss too. Yes, I think clexane is similar to Fragmin and I don't know about you but I find that the fragmin stings and yes, the bruises too, I am alternating thighs at the moment.

Just had a little sob. I mostly worry about letting my dc's down. I like to be on top of everything and have pretty high stands I suppose regarding diet, looking smart for school etc. but I just can't maintain it all. Poor dh is running around doing a lot and becoming tired and snappy too, neither of us have much social life at present (not that I feel up to it) and I worry that our children will suffer through our tiredness etc when usually we work so well as a team.

It sounds as if you have had a good think this evening and I have heard how people benefit from running so good luck with that. I belong to a book club (which is new) but it is based several miles away from my house and the thought of driving there late at night and in the dark just makes me feel anxious - but reading the actual book has given me a focus for a short while. Likewise, I belong to a writing group that meets every few weeks and that gives me some kind of focus too and writing most definitely takes my mind off things. I spend a lot of time reading mumsnet forums - mostly because I feel too ill to do much else and therefore because I'm not doing, I watch things piling up around me - its not as bad as it seems but just feels this way - mountains out of mole hills etc.
Yes, I had counselling after my miscarriage for the best part of a year and it did help and I could arrange counselling now but it is all about getting the right counsellor and even this seems like too much effort at the moment. The midwife is fully aware of my past history including a history of post natal depression but isn't able to help much - what more can they do but see me on an ad hoc basis and even then I don't think the midwife really 'gets' where I've been. Neither does the consultant - unless you've actually been there, I don't think you can fully understand and that is why I feel like I function in my own little world. If I told friends, the majority of them wouldn't get it either - the one I have told does have some understanding and it sounds a bit bizarre because I realise how fortunate I am, but I feel envious of others feeling o.k and managing to function and getting on with things (even though I wouldn't want to change the physical fact that I am pregnant). I guess I'm not coping too well, given my past history, when I was pregnant last time, I was so blasé and just steam rollered through the days as if little had changed, time seemed to pass more quickly but then I suffered the loss so hence being a little more cautious this time. Also, though I am relieved not to be working, my previous job provided a fair bit of distraction and this probably also helped with time passing/distraction.
To be honest, mumsnet has seen me through most of my down moments along with writing and weirdly although I dread seeing people in real life, when I do see them I seem more than happy to chat - I just don't want the focus to be pregnancy related or to have to rake back through everything, I want it to be private but this being my fourth pregnancy, I have already developed a bump and I'm not going to be able to hide it for too much longer.
I really wish you well Penelope and thank you once again for posting, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling similar feelings but it has made me feel less alone with all of this x

[Treemonkey76]

p.s. sorry for the massive posts, well done to anyone who has waded through them!