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Just found I'm pregnant - DF doesn't want to keep it

(25 Posts)
FluffySlippers21 Mon 09-Oct-17 16:47:08

Hello!
This is my first post but I was unsure of where else to ask advice.
I've been with my DF (darling fiancé) for just over a year and have just got engaged with plans to get married within eighteen months and then start trying for children a couple of years after marrying.
Well I've just found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant!😧
My DF doesn't want this baby, citing that the timing isn't right, we don't have the money and his family would disapprove.
I'm currently in my first year of training to be a nurse which is his biggest issue as I'm not even close to qualifying yet and do not have a steady job or steady income.
I understand his argument and logically I agree with the points he is making, however my maternal instinct has kicked in and I want this baby so bad. I can't imagine not keeping our child.
We are both still young - 22 and 25
Has anyone got any advice on how to handle this situation and what they would do in my position?

Loopytiles Mon 09-Oct-17 16:50:34

It’s not his decision: it’s solely yours. It’d be sensible to think through the (most likely) scenario that if you do have a DC you will be a single parent.

You haven’t been together long: with that and your young age engagement is premature IMO.

PaleMoonRising Mon 09-Oct-17 16:51:40

I would take out anyone else's views out of the equation for start. Nothing to do with them and don't need their approval. Also I don't know is anyone who was completely financially ready to have children. From what you've said I think you would regret not keeping the baby. Bug only really you can decide....not even your DF can make you terminate flowers

quarterpast Mon 09-Oct-17 16:52:17

Hi OP. Don't be pressured into doing anything you don't want to do. It's your body, your choice. If your fiancé felt that strongly about not wanting a baby, he should have used contraception! The baby is here now and if you want to keep it then feel no guilt or shame about telling him that's what you are doing, he can support you and his child, or not.

FluffySlippers21 Mon 09-Oct-17 16:53:46

Hi, thanks for replying.

Is it just my decision though - it would be his child too and if affects his life too? I can't help think I'm being selfish making the decision based solely on what I want.

There will always be people who think our engagement is premature however we're happy and in love, I have no doubts about our relationship. He's not being horrible when he's saying he doesn't want to keep it, he's just being honest and weighing up the most responsible outcome 😊

Loopytiles Mon 09-Oct-17 16:54:15

In your position at your age I think I would’ve had the baby. I would’ve trusted my then DP to stick with me (who didn’t later prove trustworthy).

In retrospect, termination would make sense because in the early years with a DC, especially as a single parent, it can very hard to get qualifications/work earn a decent amount, and being able to do those things is important IME.

FluffySlippers21 Mon 09-Oct-17 16:54:28

Just want to add - we were using contraception but it failed, it wasn't that we were being uncareful

PaleMoonRising Mon 09-Oct-17 16:55:37

Yes, ultimately it is just your decision. He can make his own whether to stick by you and the baby or not. That's his decision.

PhelanGood Mon 09-Oct-17 16:55:40

Imo this is your body, your baby and thus your decision that you would have to live with so df can offer opinions but has absolutely no right to dictate. If he was that against babies he should have used a condom. He should support you fully in whatever you choose, as your fiance. I am 100% pro choice but from what you've said I get the feeling that you would find a termination extremely hard to live with in a spiritual sense (I'd be the same). The timing is never perfect - but you're in what sounds like a stable relationship and both have good careers ahead. Does he know how you feel?

Loopytiles Mon 09-Oct-17 16:56:31

It’s your body, and solely your decision.

How many single fathers do you know of whose ex partners pay no maintenance and do no parenting?

Women are left holding the baby.

In the best case scenario if you want a DC now you stay together and share the parenting. But sensible to plan for the worst.

jlou2015 Mon 09-Oct-17 16:57:32

I was in this situation and we were private renting and financially broke. But there was no way I didn't want it even though he was like we are not readily Etc...This is my body and my baby too and I am.growing it and if he wants the sex and won't except the cosquence should it arise I will. I am.capable of working and if need be the benefit system will help.me.if he wants to take a hike. Having a baby is serious but terminating it when you want it is not fair. He doesn't have to stay on board. There are many financial avenues and you can have charity clothes and yes it will mean a career.delay but take it on later. Others do. DON'T compromise yourself for him. He does have a point but he can't make that decision and you will regret it if you terminate because you want it. I was there sadly once and I can't bring myself to remember that time and I did that thing..ANywY it happened again and I got pregnant and I wanted it and he stuck by me and guess what suddenly his finances w went from under £15,000 per annum to £300,000 per annum all in one year and obviously in the sales game.. Believe in yourself and things can change and get better if you want them too. My partner worked hard and upped his game. If he didn't I was off anyway as I said I need this baby. This is my.last but trust me if you want it you have it. Speak to your brother or sister or mother and friends and get advice. I am.certain there will be helpline.But it is a baby growing inside you and ultimately if you want it you must follow you're heart. This is a life you're growing it's your baby and what a lucky thing you are to have that chance. I am.due to give birth now.and my.luck changed but still I wanted it and I would not let someone take that away.from me. Your partner will most likely stick around as he loves you and will come.to understand when he reaches the scan. Where there's a will there is a way. There is so much support and help out there. Don't worry careers can be put on hold but babies can't. We have a time clock us women and we also have stress Egc and things that can affect our fertility. Try and.make him.see your PIC too. Good Lucksmile

PotteringAlong Mon 09-Oct-17 16:59:15

Honestly? I think your relationship might be over either way.

If he forces you into an abortion you will never forgive him and your relationship will never get over it.

If you have the baby and he is massively opposed to it then there's a chance he will massively resent that and will never get over it.

So I'd do what you want and completely discount your relationship as a factor.

Shehz21 Mon 09-Oct-17 17:00:38

I am currently 22 and 16 weeks pregnant. Me and DH have been married for exactly a year now and I had to quit my job due to hyperemesis(extreme nausea and vom).
It was a hard decision to take to keep this pregnancy as I knew all too well(from having been pregnant before and terminated it)that this time as well the sickness would take over my life. I also knew what impact it would have on mine and Dh's relationship but to this day i don't regret keeping the baby. I am really looking forward infact to meeting this LO.
My point is things can work out despite an unplanned pregnancy, it can need a little more of re-adjusting plans and future goals but shouldn't be too hard to do once you manage to get DF support.
End of the day,it is your body,your choice but you shouldn't feel pressurized into taking any kind of decision.
Goodluck OP!

NapQueen Mon 09-Oct-17 17:04:14

You absoloutley have to take him out of your decision making.
Scenarios:
1. You abort because of him. You separate down the line.
2. You abort because of him. Stay together. Never forgive him for it.
3. You keep the baby, he realises he wants to be a part of their life. You stay together.
4. You keep the baby. He is adamant he doesnt want to know. You separate.

Whatever you do, make sure you do it for you. In the bluntest possible way he can cut and run regardless. Leaving you behind with whatever decision youve made. And if he did leave you would you rather it was Scenario 1 or 4?

RiseToday Mon 09-Oct-17 17:09:19

I had a termination after being married for two years, also following a contraceptive failure. I was on the pill at the time.

The timing was so wrong, I was still studying and other factors also played a big part - jobs, location etc. It was a total surprise when I found out, but unlike you, I was devastated.

It was a difficult decision but ultimately the right one. We went on to have a child five years later and it was the right time for us (if there ever is one!?) However, it has been a very challenging and stressful time and it has tested our marriage to the absolute brink.

So perhaps I am biased, based on my own experiences but I think if you have the baby now it is going to be very difficult for you, plus you really haven't been with your partner for very long. This could potentially cause huge problems in your relationship, not to mention you will have to take a reasonably long break from your studies.

If you decide to keep the baby, you will have to at least prepare for the fact that you may end up going it alone. Think VERY hard about that.

HooraySunshine Mon 09-Oct-17 17:12:16

I think this is your decision to make. If you want this baby, but did decide to terminate, can you live with that? Will your partner be able to live with that? Will you blame him for the loss? (I'm just asking questions, not in any way passing judgement.)

Personally, I would have the child because I know personally I would never be able to live with the fact I aborted my baby. It would weigh on my mind and I would never forget it, every birthday, every time I saw a child of similar age or 'oh, my baby would have looked like that', etc. (but that's just me). I've had friends who aborted, some have never forgiven themselves and others didn't seem that affected by it. Everyone is different. (again, not passing judgement, just making a statement)

This is your decision to make. Do what is best for you. Your partner can make his own decision (stay or go). Personally, I think it would be better to know now if he's going to stick with you or not during the 'tough' times before you get married. Life is not easy and even with the best laid plans there will be challenges along the way (like a baby when you least expect it! smile )

Hopefully you can both come to a mutual agreement.

SerendipityFelix Mon 09-Oct-17 17:12:40

It is 100% your decision. It’s you who would go through pregnancy and birth, or your body which would abort the pregnancy if that’s the decision you make. As PaleMoon said his decision is how he responds to yours.

You are both young and realistically haven’t known each other that long, so when you are considering your options, then if you do continue with the pregnancy the reality may be as a single parent.

BishBoshBashBop Mon 09-Oct-17 17:13:14

If he was that against babies he should have used a condom

We don't know what form of contraception was used just that it failed.

OP it is your decision and only you can make it.

You may however find it's the end of your relationship.

LadyRenoir Mon 09-Oct-17 17:30:24

I understand where you are coming from, but, if you can, keep the baby.
If you want, it, it should not matter the his family disapproves, what a stupid argument on his behalf, sounds like he is making excuses.

Your body and mind will be so much more affected by termination. I know it's not the case for all women, but some to struggle later, and sometimes it's harder to get pregnant again- again, I do know it's not a rule and not an issue for a lot of women. But for a partner to ask you to go through this, I find this very selfish- you will be the one suffering with consequences, not him.
When there is a will, there is a way. If he decides to walk away from you, at least you will know the relationship was not worth it from the start.
Have you got your family who could help? At any rate, never ever let him or his family pressure you into abortion. I know a lot of people who had children early and got their qualifications later on in life and managed fine- so I hope your fiance will support you, but do let him know you don't want to terminate pregnancy.

averylongtimeago Mon 09-Oct-17 17:52:00

Your body, your choice.
Do not let him brow beat you into making a decision you later regret.

There is never a completely "right" time to have a baby, you are too young, too old, not enough money, wrong stage ....you get the picture.

Is there anyone in real life you could talk this through with? Someone non judgemental. Have you any support other than your DF?

scottishem Mon 09-Oct-17 17:53:53

OP I could be making a big assumption here but from reading your post I don't think you want an abortion and I personally feel you'de regret it because you would be doing it for him, not you. Like you said your maternal instincts have kicked in and thats not something that is easy to ignore.
Your studies can wait, you can defer a year or 2 and there's lots of extra support for parents studying to help you financially. And you will find the money to have a baby. I'm 16 weeks and we wanted to be more financially stable before having children but things just didnt work out that way but you find ways to save money and get baby stuff cheap.
As for your relationship having an abortion will by no means mean your relationship will last. Baby or no baby relationships are tough and I would hate for you to look back in years to come (whether you are together or not) and wonder what if and live with regret.
I hope that didn't come off as too pushy or blunt but couldnt just read and run xx

heateallthebuns Mon 09-Oct-17 18:01:54

I agree with what pottering along said. If you don't want to have an abortion but do, you will resent him. If you have baby he will resent you. Ignore the relationship and him and just think what you want.

Him citing his family not approving is contemptible in my opinion. He is putting their views above yours by saying that. That would've been enough for me to think fuck you I'll do what I want.

heateallthebuns Mon 09-Oct-17 18:04:00

Any guy who won't stand by your decision either way should get dumped. He might not think it's the right time, tough, he had sex with you and it's happened. Any man worth sticking with would say he'll stick by you and support you whatever you decide.

TheCatsMother99 Mon 09-Oct-17 18:11:50

I also think it's solely your decision. Not just for the 'your body your choice' side of it but because you have to live with whatever decision you make. Yes, I know your fiance will be financially responsible, so he is impacted, but I think there's a chance your relationship won't last and you'll be left holding the baby (excuse the pun) or you'll terminate and regret it and that could also be the end.

Realistically, you haven't been together long, you're still in the honeymoon lovely dovey stage so you really need to protect yourself.

crunched Mon 09-Oct-17 18:12:58

Unpopular on Mumsnet but I think this is a joint decision.
I got engaged after 9 months, married 18 months later, we were 22 and 24 and still happily married 29 years later. So in my eyes I would have been totally convinced that my then fiancé and I would reach a decision that would make us both content.
A termination is something you should only have if you feel 100% is the right course of action. I hope that both of you can agree on what is right for your circumstances.
In my case we had six great years before our first DC arrived when we got on our feet financially, climbed the career ladder and made some fabulous memories.

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