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Pregnant and unsure what to do

(33 Posts)
Nickyb7 Thu 21-Sep-17 17:48:57

I found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago after pill failure. I've been in a relationship with the father for over a year and a half but he had recently moved away - we were still in touch and planning to see each other and he said he loved and missed me. When I told him I was pregnant he was initially really loving and supportive albeit we acknowledged that we wouldn't be escalating our relationship just because of a baby and I'd be responsible for raising it but now he's saying he wants nothing to do with me at all unless I abort - he won't even want to know when it's born or if I'm ok and doesn't want anything to do with the baby. I can support myself financially and I told him I wouldn't ask for money so it's not that. I think he's the most decent man I've ever met but this took me off guard. He really took this view after taking to his girlfriend. Before he had been understanding albeit shocked and scared which is natural and he was helping me through. He kept going from showing me love to not wanting to even look at me like I'd done something awful to him. I understand it's tough on the dad that they don't have the ultimate say in whether to have an unplanned baby. His life is pretty tough right now too. I don't want to make things worse for him. But I don't know if I can live with killing this child. I feel love for it. He says it's just a bunch of cells and this should be an easy decision but it doesn't feel that way and I've been reading about the risks of abortion... I just don't know if I can do it. I feel so sick and alone. I really love the dad and I don't want to lose his support in my life. I don't know if I could cope with raising a child alone emotionally even though I have the money and it might block me from ever having the planned family I always wanted and living the life I want but all that sounds selfish and I love this baby too and could give me and it a good life. I feel more scared than I ever have. The thought of an abortion just fills me with dread. He's breaking my heart. I need him here because I can't tell anyone else and I feel close to breaking down but he says he doesn't know when he can come. He's telling me to be an adult and make the right choice. But it doesn't seem like there is one.

Nickyb7 Thu 21-Sep-17 17:50:51

* By girlfriend I mean his best female friend.

Viviennemary Thu 21-Sep-17 17:57:26

You must make the choice you feel is right for you. He hasn't been supportive or even very sensible about this IMHO. And ultimatums like he's made are just simply not on. Certainly don't be coerced into an abortion that you don't want. Hope you make the right decision for you.

dede124 Thu 21-Sep-17 18:16:28

You need to think about it carefully and consider your own feelings on whether to keep the baby rather than his as he doesn't sound like he is or will be supportive so it lies with you.

Also I would ask for this to be moved to pregnancy choices you might get a better response! Good luck op flowers

JennyBlueWren Thu 21-Sep-17 18:24:09

I think even if you did want to abort the fact that he's not been at all supportive and wouldn't want anything to do with you if you kept it is reason enough not to be with him.

Lots of people manage as single parents.

Jake77 Thu 21-Sep-17 20:20:33

I had the same situation with the mum of my kid and I told her I'd stand by her no matter what she chose and I don't know how any guy could do different. I wanted her to have an abortion at the time as I was worrying about supporting a child but I now have a 3m.o. and I wouldn't change anything. Give him time to do the right thing. But do what's best for you as you can't count on a guy like that. Some guys just run. Can you raise this baby on your own? Go see a counsellor. Good luck.

ChocolatePancake Thu 21-Sep-17 20:33:40

Hi. I'm so sorry this is happening - your ex sounds like he's having something of a mini douchebag breakdown.
Firstly I think you should completely disgregard your ex, his feelings and his opinions... because this is your body and you are the mother.
Do you want this baby? If you do (and it sounds like you do), then you have your baby. Nothing else will matter, I promise, when your baby is there your universe is smaller and just fits you two in it.. he will either come around, or he won't, either way whatever happens... happens, and you won't care one bit because you will have a beautiful child with you.
Don't worry about the perfect planned family you mentioned... I felt the same when I fell pregnant with my ex, who also told me to have an abortion, and constantly left me during pregnancy and the levels of abuse would make your toes curl... and now? He loves his son. It's the only thing on the planet that has ever grounded him, he didnt expect it, nor did anybody else... but it softened his heart. Of course, I still broke up with him for being such a horrible unsupportive person... but just because he was a terrible partner, doesn't mean he's a terrible father.... fast forward a few years, I have a perfect family now and my partner is wonderful and looks after us, I'm currently expecting number 3 and couldn't be happier, nor could my babies.
Please don't panic, things have a way of sorting themselves out. If you want to find a way then you will find a way! smile flowers

Nickyb7 Thu 21-Sep-17 21:06:34

Thanks for the replies. I get that it's a massive shock for him and impossibly hard on both of us. His business is in a difficult position. I don't want to make his life worse. I really genuinely love him. We have the kind of relationship where you can talk all night and forget what time it is and we had so much fun together and I respect who he is. But I am scared of regretting an abortion forever. Seems like there's no right answer. Just before I told him we were really getting close. I know he missed me and loved me and I was hoping to move closer and we were both planning visits and he said how much he loved me. He is incredibly decent and I think he wants the best for all of us in his heart. I just can't get through this on my own. I don't know how to get through to him how much I need help. And it shocked me that he said he'd totally cut me out unless I abort. I didn't expect him to ask me to move in or want that just because of a baby when he's not ready. I don't need or want any financial support. Just for him to understand how hard this is and be there. I've spent all day reading about abortion and I just don't know if I can come around to his view that it's right. But I am scared of losing all the good things I have in my life as much as I would (I guess already do) love the baby. I need to decide and I'm running out of time and it's really hard to cope.

Viviennemary Thu 21-Sep-17 21:13:09

The fact he is threatening to have nothing to do with you if you don't have an abortion is a massive red flag. I agree don't panic. (Easier said than done) Keep a cool head and think about what YOU want to do. That's the only thing that matters. Not threats from a partner.

JoJoSM2 Thu 21-Sep-17 21:20:27

It sounds like you want the baby and should go ahead with it. You should also make sure he's there financially for his baby even if not interested otherwise. However, I'm not sure you're being realistic with your perception of the guy... He sounds like douche. I don't know the wider context but after over 1.5 year together and supposedly getting on so well, the facts don't add up. It sound more like he enjoyed some fun with you and he isn't interested in commitment or even stepping up in the situation.

ChocolatePancake Thu 21-Sep-17 21:23:15

totally agree @JoJoSM2 , no amount of 'honestly, he's a really decent person' can outweigh the fact he's clearly a giant douche

Sunshinegirl82 Thu 21-Sep-17 21:27:05

A decent man does not try to force you into having a termination. This is not a decent man.

I think you need to take him out of the equation completely and make this decision based entirely on your own thoughts and feelings. Can you access some counselling to help you? Do you have support from anyone in real life? Your parents/family?

Kbates134 Thu 21-Sep-17 21:32:43

Try to talk to him and give him time. The father of my son reacted terribly when I was preg, said all sorts and disappeared for weeks when I said I couldn't get an abortion. Im pro choice but when it came to MY baby it felt completely out of the question wrong and I knew I'd regret it forever. Eventually he came back around. I think he was panicking which is normal for men but then something just clicked and he wanted to be there for me again. He said it was the best day of his life when our son was born. I'm so glad I had the strength to not give into his bullying and now I have a child I love more than life itself and a great relationship with his dad (it's hard to forgive that he left me when the chips were down and I was pregnant and vulnerable, but I know he's sorry and honestly he's made up for it tenfold with our baby). I agree though you can't count on him. You have to be prepared to go it alone. Be strong and think through all the options and do what feels right to you. Plenty of single mums get through this and make happy families just like plenty of planned families are unhappy or fall apart. I hope he mans up and stops being so self absorbed. At the end of the day this impacts you so much more and I know how frightening it is. Stay strong and find someone else to talk to.

Jake77 Thu 21-Sep-17 21:47:14

As a man this is hard for us also though threatening to run away from a child which is his biologically isn't exactly stand up. I agree give him time. Some guys come around, some don't. But do what's best for you. You sound unsure to me. Don't feel bad if you want to go with an abortion either, just only do it if it's right for you.

moofolk Thu 21-Sep-17 21:52:40

He's not a decent man, he has shown you this. He's possibly 'just panicking' but really his behaviour is inexcusable.
There's absolutely nothing wrong (IMO) with having a termination if that is what you feel is the right thing for you but not because a bully tells you to.
However if you do have the baby, have a serious think about whether you ever want him to have anything to do with you both.

Nickyb7 Thu 21-Sep-17 21:59:36

To be fair he's always said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship but that he loved me a lot and wasn't looking for anyone else etc. We were kind of in limbo after he moved away but skyping and saying how much we still loved/ missed each other and planning visits etc when I found out I was pregnant. He does pull away when I get close and I knew this would be terrifying to him. Also he feels like he's being 'forced to be a father'. I get that must be hard. He said he feels helpless and that he'll support me all I need if I have an abortion. He feels like having the baby would ruin my life and his too. Honestly I can't imagine either being a single mum or walking into that clinic to have this baby that I really have feelings for aborted.

ChocolatePancake Thu 21-Sep-17 22:12:03

I feel frustrated reading your posts confused . You sound lovely, and far too understanding which is leaking over into naivety. He's being emotionally abusive if he's telling you he will cut and run but support you if you have an abortion...he knows you love him and he's using that as a weapon. Sorry to be blunt, but nobody forced him to put his penis inside you and do his thing. Nobody has forced anything on him. - This is NOT his decision!! This is YOUR decision. If he wants to cut and run and be known far and wide as the giant douche that abandoned his pregnant partner and child then so be it, let him be that man! If he doesnt change his mind, and most men do. But don't let his pathetic little me-me-me tantrum potentially ruin a perfectly good life for you and your child. Children don't ruin lives - that's such a childish thing to say. They just make it better.

user1494270143 Thu 21-Sep-17 22:20:19

This sounds similar to my experience. I found out i was pregnant, my partner left me and moved away and got a new job. He did come around slightly, but honestly you have to think of yourself and the baby. he will make his own mind up, i think most of the time their reaction is just sheer shock and fear, although they don't seem to take in our feelings i know! You will get through this though, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. i went through weeks of being so fed up, scared, and alone. But now i'm happier than ever, i'm 26 weeks and literally all i care about is my baby and looking after myself for my babys sake. i've had counselling which really helped me air my thoughts, and make sense of them!

just make sure you properly think about every little thing, speak to family and friends and try get someone else to speak to like a counsellor. if i'm ok after the rut i'd got myself in, i'm sure you will get through it and become stronger for it lovely! look after yourself xx

user1494270143 Thu 21-Sep-17 22:23:19

ps don't make excuses for him! if he wants to be a dick let him, but don't let it affect you!! block his number for a bit so you can clearly think about things. i was the same and it was only when i had counselling that she pointed out i was making a million and one excuses for my ex, when really he is a dickhead!

Kbates134 Thu 21-Sep-17 22:23:57

Take a few weeks away from him and work out what you want assuming he won't be around, then inform him. If you abort, just make sure you're doing it for you. You sound unsure if you can cope with being a single mother and it's right to read about your options including abortion and talk to someone. If you decide to keep it, it's then his choice what to do. It's his baby and he says he loves you so he should at least be there even if he's not 'ready for a relationship'. And there are plenty of men out there who'd love a financially stable, decent woman, baby or no.

Allie28 Thu 21-Sep-17 23:01:53

He's using the 'asshole method'

You want this man in your baby's life if you have it?

Nickyb7 Fri 22-Sep-17 01:17:14

One minute I feel like I can cope with having this baby alone, the next I feel like I really can't. Losing a man I've loved more than anyone else at the same time totally from my life makes it so much harder but I know that's a different issue. I don't really have anyone else I can talk to but will try to find a counsellor. Really feel terrified and totally alone. Thanks so much for all the good thoughts and help.

ZaphodBeeblerox Fri 22-Sep-17 02:09:20

It sounds like he is pitching it as either you get an abortion and resume a loving semi-relationship, or you don't and he won't have anything to do with you. You're being too naive OP.

Either way it would be impossible to continue a relationship with a man who doesn't respect you, and it doesn't sound like it had legs anyway. So, take that out of the equation and assume you have no romantic relationship with him.

What do you want to do now? In 9 months time do you want to be a single parent? Or only a single woman? Either choice is valid for you, but make the choice without letting this Damocles sword of his purported affection hanging over your head.

And btw don't get suckered into promising not to bother him for money etc. His kid, he should pay maintenance. And his "best female friend" can kiss my arse as far as I'm concerned when it comes to giving advice on what you should do with your unborn baby.

LadyRenoir Fri 22-Sep-17 05:34:49

Your post makes me want to cry. And it makes me so angry at the same time, at both of you.
You because you clearly idealise a total d*head. Sorry for swearing, but he clearly is NOT a decent man and clearly he does NOT love you. If he loved you, he would have never put you in the position when you have to choose between the baby and him. Never. I can't imagine love when you are hurting the person you supposedly love. Would you ever tell him something along the lines "I love you, but I can only be with you if you go through total sterilisation or cut your penis off?". No, you would not. And yet he is forcing you to go with abortion for his own wellbeing and sound mind, not giving a single thought about how YOU feel, your body, etc. He also clearly has higher opinion on what his friend say than what you think. How is that love, I don't know.

I understand he has a hard life and does not want the baby. It's his right. But you need to let him go, for your sake and the baby's. A lot of women are single mothers and are fine. Things are often tough even for those who do have partners. You can do it, if you want to keep the baby. If you hang around in this toxic relationship you think it great, but in fact is one sided, you will be stuck forever with an immature guy with a huge ego, and I think you can do better. And what if one day he decides to let you go altogether, finds new love, and you will be left with nothing? No man, and no baby.

user1494270143 Fri 22-Sep-17 08:53:06

I fully understand what you're going through, it is horrendous but you need a break from him. When i did this the first few days i wanted to speak to my ex and see what he had to say, but then all of a sudden i felt free and in charge of my emotions. You need to take control and be strong, which ever you decide to do is completely up to you. You can do this honestly. You deserve to be treated so much, being pregnant is hard enough. If you need anything or someone to air your thoughts to just send me a message x

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