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Pregnancy

Finding out VS waiting for the birth

27 replies

Saz626 · 16/09/2017 17:05

I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant with my second baby and having my 20 week scan in 2 weeks time. Me and my oh are really stuck on whether to find out or not. My oh has a dd from a previous relationship and we have a dd together. We didn't find out with our dd and it was amazing having that moment at the birth and then telling our family and friends. I'm just not sure if this time round it would be best to find out so we can get ourselves organised with already having children. Anyone done both and preferred one to the other? Or has anyone just some experience with doing either way? X

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Jumble27 · 16/09/2017 17:10

Nothing useful but watching this thread as me and DP are having the same dilemma!

To find out so we can prepare DD (in case it's a boy shock horror!) or to leave it as a surprise as its most likely the last baby I'll have and we never had that hospital moment!

Borntoflyinfirst · 16/09/2017 17:15

We have 3 children. First two were surprises - one of each. It was an amazing moment to hear the words when they were born. For some reason with no3 we wanted to find out. That was a special moment too and didn't detract from her birth at all.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is it will be amazing whenever you find out.

Saz626 · 16/09/2017 17:16

@jumble27 glad we aren't the only ones! The moment is amazing in the hospital if you can wait until the birth but then I've never done it at a scan so maybe it's just as special then?

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SkafaceClaw · 16/09/2017 17:17

We were very similar - didn't find out with the first. However we did find out this week with our second.

I must admit I was dead against it to start with but now I know it's been really exciting and our dc feels much more involved too. It was fun being able to tell family too.

Jumble27 · 16/09/2017 17:20

@Saz626 the scan was quite lovely, we waited until 20 weeks and DD had her legs closed. I was so upset that we booked a private scan the next week and found out straight away she was a girl!

I think the reason I'm not too fussed about knowing now is that with DD it felt like it would be the end of the world if they said it was a boy (ridiculous and silly, I know!)
With this baby I'm not a bit bothered either way as long as it's healthy. I would like that moment in the hospital to be told.

DP really really wants to know though, so it's a sore subject at the moment.

The one thing that annoys me is the lack of nice neutral clothes I've seen so far

Saz626 · 16/09/2017 17:20

@borntoflyinfirst thank you for your response. I suppose the arrival of your bundle of joy is enough to make the moment just as special either way x

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Battyoldbat · 16/09/2017 17:22

I have 3 and didn't find out any time. We were the first to find out with each of them (i.e., I held each baby first then we looked together.) and each time was totally magical. It was so amazing that we weren't even slightly tempted to find out at a scan.
The other thing is that there was nothing to organise. I don't do pink-for-girls blue-for-boys anyway, so all baby clothes were white or bright and all the baby stuff (pram/car seat etc) were neutral so it didn't make any difference at all.

Saz626 · 16/09/2017 17:25

@skafaceclaw thank you. I would love to be able to come away from the 20 week scan and surprise everyone that we found out including our children, they both are desperate to know

@jumble27 my dd was dressed all in white for the first month of her life and I hated it because of the amount of times she got referred to as a boy! My partner would ideally like a boy this time round but for me it's irrelevant as long it's a healthy baby

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Saz626 · 16/09/2017 17:27

@battyoldbat I'm not a big pink or blue fan neither but it would be nice to have baby in some clothing that's other then plain white baby grows. Prams and car seats etc I've always had neutral too, I'm not into the big bright coloured ones

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Oysterbabe · 16/09/2017 18:56

We didn't find out with DD but did this time. Firstly so we could start clearing out girly clothes if necessary, space is quite limited. Secondly because DH has quite a strong boy preference. This will certainly be our last baby and he would feel disappointed if he was never to have a son. He wanted to deal with those feelings before the baby arrived so that at the birth he would just be able to focus on being happy and not have it slightly tainted with disappointment. It's a boy as it happens so it hasn't been an issue. I did enjoy finding out at the birth the first time but it just would have made me anxious this time, worrying about how DH might feel about it. It was still special finding out at the scan.
We haven't told anyone we found out.

Saz626 · 16/09/2017 19:11

@oysterbabe I think this is the reason my oh wants to find out. He really does want a boy this time and this will also be our last one. I'm leaning towards finding out a bit at the moment

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Oysterbabe · 16/09/2017 20:04

In your situation I would. I'm sure once he has the baby in his arms he'd be happy whatever but it would remove the uncertainty and any anxiety.

MummyMrsMe · 16/09/2017 22:24

I am currently 32 weeks with second baby, had same dilemma as you at 20 week scan. For me, I had absolutely no inclination to find out first time round but for some reason (think it's the organisation element) I was so tempted to find out this time. But then I remembered how special it was to have that surprise and figured there is nothing that needs organising that can't wait until baby is here.

DeadDoorpost · 17/09/2017 00:26

I needed to know as the anxiety would have been too much for me. Not that it mattered as I had a gut instinct that he was going to be a boy from about 8 weeks along.... waiting 12 weeks to confirm what i thought was painful.
Tbf though DH also wanted to find out but he didn't have a preference. It was mainly because we had 2 cousins also due near us so we were almost in competition (in a fun way)
What annoyed me more was my DM telling me she had hoped I'd keep it a surprise as, and I quote, "more magical that way, finding out takes the joy from it all". This coming from the woman who was upset I wasn't a boy and had been ready to call me Matthew as soon as I was born. rolls eyes

PandaCat · 17/09/2017 08:00

We found out with our first and will with this one, mostly because we have all of DDs baby clothes and I'd like to know if we will be needing them or not. If not I can finally part with them (DD is 5 but I've insisted on keeping them until we had another!).

Also DD and the baby will be sharing a bedroom when the baby is old enough so I'd like to redecorate accordingly (Her bedroom desperately needs it) once we know so it's ready for the future!

trilbydoll · 17/09/2017 08:05

We found out with dd2 and actually I think it would have been better if we hadn't. When you find out at the birth you have a baby so you don't really care. When you find out at 20w you have nothing else to distract you so you start thinking 'aw a boy would have been nice'

If dd2 had been a boy I would have been thinking 'aw, it would have been nice for dd1 to have a sister' you can't win with the last baby!

rachrach2 · 17/09/2017 08:16

I loved finding out at the birth and wouldn't do it any other way, my husband torment the first time and I looked when our second arrived. There's not much difference in planning involved, just a few clothes. I was given loads of girl clothes once she was born.

On another note (that isn't very important), I find it much more exciting finding out that my friends' babies have arrived when we don't know the sex before!

Alittlebitofthis · 17/09/2017 08:16

We found out with our ds and I wish I'd waited for the surprise! He's going to be an only child.

ethelfleda · 17/09/2017 08:54

DH and I were talking about this yesterday
I'm due in 6 weeks and we found out. I'm glad we did already - I had it in my head we were having a girl from day 1 and had imagined so much - we are having a boy and it was a slight shock for some reason. Not a disappointment - just a shock. Just being able to talk about 'him' rather than 'it' and imagine what he will be like and pick names etc has made me feel more bonded with him. I know everyone is different and some people will say that you shouldn't need to know the sex to bond but it's helped us massively!

harrietm87 · 17/09/2017 08:58

Interested in this thread as I really want a surprise but DH wants to know. It's our first baby. I can see that there are more reasons why you'd want to know with subsequent children (to tell older siblings, know whether to keep clothes etc), but with our first since it makes no difference to any of the preparation (and I'd like
to avoid the pink/blue thing as much as possible) I want to wait. Also feel I should win as the pregnant one, but feel a bit bad to deny DH. Anyway, sorry OP that prob doesn't help at all - think there are good reasons either way!

asongforthelovers · 17/09/2017 09:18

I found out with all 3 of mine, purely because I wanted to know what I was having. I'm not keen on surprises in general.

I don't think there is any wrong in waiting until birth for surprise or finding out half way through. I imagine it is still going to be a lovely feeling with both. It's entirely upto you and your husband.

Good luck op.

HazyDays81 · 17/09/2017 10:14

With my first two we didn't find out (I have 2 DS). I'm now pregnant with my third & last & we have decided to find out. Mostly because we'd love a girl & I like the time to get used to the idea if it is another boy. Don't get me wrong I feel very lucky to even be pregnant & this time round there have been other worries so ultimately I just want a healthy baby. I'm looking forward to finding out soon! I still think it'll be special to know in advance x

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Saz626 · 17/09/2017 19:52

Thanks everyone. All your comments are really helpful! I guess there's no right or wrong way to do it, both ways it'll be just as special. Still don't know what we'll end up doing haha!!

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DeadDoorpost · 17/09/2017 22:35

You could always opt to have it written down on a piece of paper and sealed in an envelope. That way, if you change your mind and want to find out you can. The temptation to look might be too much but it's an option nonetheless

Bananamama1213 · 18/09/2017 13:28

We have a DD(4) and a DS(5). Currently pregnant with baby 3!

With DS, I knew before they even told me. Plus we saw his bits on the screen when she went over his legs.

We found out with DD because we had lots of clothes saved.

And we will be finding out with this baby too. I am VERY impatient regardless.. but the children are desperate for a girl. So I'll need to prepare them if it's a boy! (Even my DS wants another sister!)

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