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Hubby says he leaving after birth

(126 Posts)
flowa79 Fri 18-Aug-17 03:31:23

Iv been married 19yrs and have 3 children 20, 19 and 16. Recently found out expecting again which was a total suprise as i've suffered cervical cancer and partial hysterectomy. Was nearly 12 weeks when i found out. Hubby unfortunately demanded i have an abortion which i cant justify. He indicated to me that he will leave if i continue with pregnancy and last week told our 19yr old that soon as baby born he is leaving. I plan to talk this out with him and to be honest would rather walk away from my marriage now than have this threat hanging over my head. What i really dont want though is to be an emotional wreck when having said conversation and would appreciate any and all advice/words of wisdom/coping techniques so i can be as calm as possible. Tall order i know. When he said that to me i put it down to shock on his part but now saying it to our other children is making me feel crappy

chocolatesa Fri 18-Aug-17 03:35:37

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Sounds like you'll all be better off without him to be honest. I can understand it must be very hard though flowers

KarateKitten Fri 18-Aug-17 03:36:20

I think you should ask him to leave now. I would need to feel back in control and would feel it's pointless staying. Maybe he's just trying to punish you but that is even more reason to call his bluff. Is he usually so cruel and emotionally abusive?

So sorry this is happening. It's horrific.

redcaryellowcar Fri 18-Aug-17 03:36:40

I don't really know what to say but didn't want to read and run. I think his initial reaction is desperately unkind, but agree that it probably is shock talking, although you would hope as a grown man, that he would be able to choose his audience better for the sharing of this 'shock' And his snap reactions. I agree your existing children are the wrong people to be telling first.

redcaryellowcar Fri 18-Aug-17 03:37:40

I agree with Karatekitten, ask him to leave now.

BigGreenOlives Fri 18-Aug-17 03:49:58

Have you had a scan? I think that you need to see a doctor urgently if you have had a partial hysterectomy as you might have an ectopic pregnancy which would put you at risk. What was removed in your op?

e1y1 Fri 18-Aug-17 04:03:01

Someone very dear to me did this exact thing to keep the wanker of "D"H, as she was petrified of leaving her existing only child fatherless.

He even managed to convince just one Dr that she wouldn't cope with another baby (I believe it has to be 2 Drs who sign off an abortion) - could have changed, but this was early 90s.

Turns out, the child she has (adult now), is the only child she had, and she desparately wanted more. She regrets the ab deeply.

She's not even with the prick now.

As much as I think the father's decision, ultimately it is YOUR decision, and tell him that, if he doesn't want to stand by your decision, then he has no place in your life.

Congratulations and good luck flowers

e1y1 Fri 18-Aug-17 04:04:03

*the Father's decision should be taken in to account...

Italiangreyhound Fri 18-Aug-17 04:10:00

flowa Congratulations. Get the medical side checked out and make sure you are safe and well.

As far as your not so dear husband, I guess it is shock. Maybe he had plans for your lives once the children had grown up and he thought things would be different. This is all totally understandable. And if you can bear to tell him that you do understand that, I would, if you do.

However, this does not give him license to demand you have an abortion! It doesn't give him the right to speak to your adult child about the situation, or other children. That is totally unacceptable.

If you feel you can work things out together by all means do it, but if you cannot get beyond this you could be honest and say you are really shocked, saddened and disappointed by his attitude/actions/behaviour.

Good luck.


daisychain01 Fri 18-Aug-17 04:25:24

Cutting that toe-rag any slack because the poor lamb is in shock is misplaced empathy OP.

He so doesn't deserve any understanding, saying to his 19yo that he intends to leave after the baby's born that he helped create.

Jeez who says that to anyone, let alone his own flesh and blood, and his wife?

Brownsauceandsausages Fri 18-Aug-17 04:29:10

Congratulations on your pregnancy op flowers

No advice just shock that a grown man, a husband of 19 yrs, and a father of three could behave in this despicable manner. Really sorry you are going through this.

The most shock for me is telling your nineteen year old that he will be leaving as soon as the baby is born. What example does he think he is setting? shock

He should not even be discussing this with the DC. Is he talking to the DC in order to get the whole family on side against your decision? If so, again, pretty despicable.

I agree that you would be better off taking control of the situation and asking him to leave now if that is his ultimate decision. I hope pure anger and outrage will keep you strong during your conversation with him. (Tell him that although you understand it's a shock, he is behaving like a feckless teen boy.) And have an answer and course of action planned ahead for any of his likely responses. Keep strong! flowers

Sorry op, but is he normally such an utter prick? Tell him the mature thing to do would be discussing this with you privately, supporting you, while you discuss all the ramifications for everyone. Anything else, he can sod off. Good luck.

Westfacing Fri 18-Aug-17 04:59:19

If you've had a partial hysterectomy you have no womb - you need to see a doctor urgently. Deal with your husband later.

Italiangreyhound Fri 18-Aug-17 05:05:00

I agree with Westfacing I'm not sure what you mean by partial hysterectomy, if you have had your womb removed then this could be incredibly dangerous.

Nanna50 Fri 18-Aug-17 05:06:07

Although ultimately having a baby is the mothers choice having a baby in a long term relationship should be a joint decision. Of course your OH cannot demand you have a termination, was there any discussion? Also why would you need to justify having an abortion?

Did either of you know it was possible to get pregnant, did you both think your family was complete or was there any contraception in place? I think that is important when considering reactions, shock can last for days, weeks or even months.

I do know that when we had finished having family we made a joint decision and took precautions and if by some miracle I had fallen pregnant 16 years later I would have been adamant that I was not having a child even if it meant my OH left me for having a termination.

Ultimately you are the only person on here who knows your husband, his ambitions, his moral code, and you don't last 19 years+ (and sill have sex) without good foundations for a marriage. Has he started telling your children because he thinks your not listening to him or to blame you.

So I can't give you any tips on staying calm as this is a very emotive issue, as I'm sure some of the replies on here will reflect. It sounds as though you have been through a lot together already and I wish you well and good luck with your talk with him.

Inertia Fri 18-Aug-17 05:23:08

Of course all pregnancy choices are the woman's , but it sounds like your health could be very seriously endangered by this pregnancy- you really need medical advice urgently.

bevelino Fri 18-Aug-17 05:35:47

OP if you have had a partial hysterectomy it means that your womb has been removed and therefore the only place for the baby to develop is in the fallopian tubes. This results in an ectopic pregnancy, which is highly dangerous. Have you had your pregnancy confirmed by a doctor who is aware of your medical history?

oldmanfromscene24 Fri 18-Aug-17 06:21:56

Are you sure you've had a partial hysterectomy? That involved removal of the womb doesn't it?

coriliavijvaad Fri 18-Aug-17 06:23:40

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Tell the git to leave now. If you are going to be making your new life as a single mum you need to spend the next few months between now and your new baby's birth adjusting to that and he has no place in your home with an attitude like that.

thingymaboob Fri 18-Aug-17 08:19:56

Let's say you still have part of your womb left, if you've had cervical cancer, you've probably had part of your cervix removed, which in itself means a high risk of 2nd / 3rd trimester miscarriage. If you've had some or all of your womb removed, then how will you be able to carry to term? Have you spoken to an obstetrician?

Westfacing Fri 18-Aug-17 13:52:28

No one is left with part of a womb.

hanste123 Fri 18-Aug-17 14:17:36

Yes I agree, ask him to leave now. It'll either shock him into sorting himself or if he leaves, good riddance! I know it's hard and the last thing you want is to be a single mum, but you need positivity and support, which not only is he not, but he'll bring you down, will go out of his way not to help, and will effect the health of your pregnancy and baby. Must admit, pretty nasty if him involving your children, your 19 yr old must have been so upset. This is not your fault, he should understand that, you have a miracle baby and fate wants you to have it xxx
It'll be hard to begin with, but you'll need to get used to not having him around before the baby is born so that there is less turmoil.
Good luck xxxx

Jessybear90 Fri 18-Aug-17 14:21:10

Honestly, as others have said, it seems like you'd be better off without him.

How do you children feel about this? I remember being 19/20 and was pretty mature at that age and if you are close with them I'm going to bet you can lean on them for not only emotional support but help when the baby arrives.

In my opinion I'd always choose my baby over my partner, don't get me wrong I crazy love him and it would break me to leave him however he has absolutely NO idea of the bond on the connection we feel with our unborn babies. It's so strong and powerful.

Of course with him being the father, he has a right to a choice as well and he may well be pushing his toys out the pram for nkr getting his own way however the decision is yours it's your body. If he does not wish to support your decision I am afraid that you really don't have much of a choice here.

I reckon you are doing the right thing here by sticking to your guns. I would choose my partner over most things in life but never my own children so I can totally relatate to where you are coming from. It's not to say you don't love your husband but you just want to keep your baby, that's all.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do make sure it's what YOU want to do flowers

hanste123 Fri 18-Aug-17 14:24:44

AND does he not realise what a shock this is for you! After everything you've been through and are going through now! You should be partners, helping each other through this and making a decision together. I know it must be hard for him too if he really didn't want any more children as it is a life changer, but still, supporting his wife through a difficult and emotional time should come first x

hanste123 Fri 18-Aug-17 14:25:14

Do you love him? Do you think he still loves you? X

Gorgosparta Fri 18-Aug-17 14:31:29

It must be a huge shock for you.

Tell him to now. It will be easier in the long run

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