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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Don't want another baby but can't face abortion

52 replies

streetface · 17/08/2017 05:29

Please help me I'm an absolute mess.

I just discovered I am pregnant, a week before my 40th birthday with my 4th child. I absolutely cannot do this financially, physically or emotionally. I think my other children 11, 8 and 2 would suffer. I am still dealing with a toddler, I am studying hard for an M.A, working part time with a view to returning to work full time asap to support the children I already have. My husband will earn less than me once I'm full time and there is no way we could support 4 on one wage. We could not afford childcare for 4 kids (eldest would need holiday camps etc as no real support for care every day)

The thing is, I was sterilised after my first two, divorced my ex and remarried. I then reversed the sterilisation a few years into my second marriage. It took a long time to fall pregnant. When I did I had an ectopic pregnancy that was treated chemically but that failed, my tube burst and I nearly died. I was left with one tube. Our little girl was a true miracle.

The heartache of losing our first child was excruciating. The trauma of trying and failing each month to fall pregnant, the operations, the fear for my unborn baby while I was carrying. I simply cannot imagine aborting a baby. I don't know if I could forgive myself.

I have no bloody idea how or when I got pregnant. I had not had sex since May to end of June as I had lots of bleeding. Then in June, I had a huge, heavy period that lasted 40 days. I had the injection two weeks in to try to stop the bleeding which didn't work but is supposed to give 99.99% protection against pregnancy. I took other tablets prescribed to stop the bleeding which it did and I resumed my sex life on holiday in July. How the hell did this happen?? I looked at myslef this morning and thought I looked about 5 months pregnant and realised I'd gained weight. I 'felt' pregnant and took a test. I am in complete shock. I will get an emergency appt in the morning with docs as I have no idea how far along I am.

I don't know what I am asking really. I am so terrified. I can't face either option. I feel devastated.

OP posts:

Report

gaggiagirl · 17/08/2017 05:47

Oh I'm so sorry. What an awful situation to be in. Its most likely that you conceived in July. So potentially you are 6 weeks or less.
Have you told DH?

coriliavijvaad · 17/08/2017 07:14

You are in shock from this unexpected discovery, and obviously your head is in a mess. You are "catastrophising" - imagining the worst outcome from each possible path, and want to reject all paths because of that. Once you have had a bit of time to process things, and can think straight without this catastrophising, you will begin to get a clearer picture of what you actually want.

Get some genuinely neutral councelling (you do need to be cautious that any councellor isn't a covert pro-life advocate) to help you work through your feelings. Whatever you decide, you will end up second-guessing yourself years later about whether you chose right. With good councelling you can reconcile yourself to your decision in the healthiest possible way to avoid this becoming a mental burden.

Good luck.

streetface · 17/08/2017 07:29

Yes I've told him. He is absolutely behind me whatever I decide. Your body your choice is his attitude although I know he'd probably prefer me to go ahead with the pregnancy but is being careful not to pressure me.

I feel much more than 6 weeks but perhaps that's because it's my fourth. How the hell could I have conceived on the depo? I took it while I was bleeding heavily. It makes no sense at all.

OP posts:

SnowiestMountain · 17/08/2017 07:36

Oh goodness OP, you're definitely definitely pregnant?? You've been through so much already.

Just breathe, take a minute, its great that you have such a supportive DH, find out how far along you are and you'll be able to make a plan from there.

streetface · 17/08/2017 07:48

I just took a second test. The line is strong and clear. All other signs are there. I certainly look pregnant. Doctors opens at 8 I'm sitting here counting down the minutes so I can call and get seen. I'm not sure what to say to the receptionist to say it's an emergency. If I say I think I'm pregnant she wont think it's urgent and I don't fancy telling a receptionist I'm not sure I want a baby! What do I say?

OP posts:

samlovesdilys · 17/08/2017 07:52

Can you say you don't want to discuss but is related to earlier problems?? As a 'continuation' of existing issue...really tough position for you, totally agree seeking medical advice, then really recommend neutral counselling. Thinking of you.

ADuckNamedSplash · 17/08/2017 07:58

Can you use the "don't know how far along I am" angle to help convey the urgency to the receptionist? I.e. the fact that certain tests are done at certain points means you need to find that out ASAP?

streetface · 17/08/2017 07:59

Thank you. I will definitely seek counselling. 'Catastrophising' the situation makes sense although it seems like me being realistic at the moment. Calling docs now.

OP posts:

sureitsgrand · 17/08/2017 08:01

My only advice is do what feels right. But just wanted to offer a hand hold!

Also, your history doesn't mean you HAVE to go through with this pregnancy. I understand it might be harder emotionally because of what you have been through- but it doesn't mean you aren't just as entitled to a termination as anyone else, if that makes sense.

Best of luck with whatever is best for you and your family.

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 17/08/2017 08:02

Gosh, what a tough thing to be faced with. I agree with corilia, what you really need right now is a neutral space to process your feelings about both options so you can make the best possible decision for you and your family. It won't be easy either way, but you can do it, and you will survive.

You don't have to tell the receptionist anything - you can tell her it's private but you need seen urgently. However, have you thought about bypassing the GP and going to BPAS/Marie Stopes/the local EPU? BPAS or Marie Stopes can scan you. Or you can get a private scan, probably very quickly. Going to BPAS/Marie Stopes also doesn't mean deciding in favour of termination - they can establish how far along you are and talk through your options with you.

talulahbelle · 17/08/2017 08:03

Good luck today, whatever decision you make will be hard, I hope it works out for you.

Penguin27 · 17/08/2017 08:11

I agree that it sounds like you're in shock and catastrophising - which is completely understandable! This must be such a confusing situation for you OP

Hope you're able to get an appointment with the GP quickly so you can find out what the options are.

Remember that abortion and raising a child aren't the only two options available to you, there are hundreds of families that would love to adopt.

Imnotatypicalsausage · 17/08/2017 08:36

You can take your time to think about it OP, you don't need to decide right now. I'm sure the right answer for you will come to you once the shock has passed. GL X

ChocoholicsAnonymous · 17/08/2017 08:47

Must be such a huge shock for you. Giving you virtual hugs. Good luck at the docs.

WineAndTiramisu · 17/08/2017 14:39

You can also get private scans very quickly for £60-70 if the GP can't get you sorted out quickly to find out how far along you are

StinkPickle · 17/08/2017 14:43

If DH would rather you keep the baby and you're the higher earner have you spoken about him being a SAHD for a few years?

MrsAD · 17/08/2017 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Penguin27 · 17/08/2017 16:50

Did you manage to speak to the Dr, OP?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 17/08/2017 16:54

Can you take a test which tells you how many weeks you are?

What a shock. You don't need to decide just yet.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 17/08/2017 20:48

What a shock for you hope all is well

SnowiestMountain · 17/08/2017 21:04

How did you get on today OP?

2furbabies · 18/08/2017 07:48

Sending a virtual hug xxx

streetface · 18/08/2017 08:22

So it turns out I am 17 weeks pregnant. Looks like it's a girl. The shock when seeing this enormous, fully formed human on the screen that I had no idea was there can't be explained. As aspen as I saw her I knew there was absolutely no question of aborting. I can't lie, I am devastated. Not because I don't or won't love her, but because I do. And because I love my other 3 so much and they deserve the best life I can provide. I don't feel able to do that at 40 with 4. The new baby will need to go into childcare every day from fairly early so I can provide for a family of 6 (husband can't do that alone and give kids same standard of living) Husband is excited and delighted but he doesn't know the reality of having two under 3. I do. I did it at 31 and I was so exhausted I got my tubes tied. And I didn't have older kids. I am going to ask for a C section this time and get my remaining tube tied AND my husband will get the snip so this can't happen again. I am so upset right now. I can't see how we will cope. I want to stay in bed and cry for a few weeks at the moment.

OP posts:

Flyingfruit · 18/08/2017 08:44

Oh goodness me what a shock for you
Didn't want to read and run but sure someone with some good advice will be along soon. Xx

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/08/2017 08:49

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