whether to quit work

[coastalchick]

So I'm 38 (almost 39) and all being well, should have our first DC in March or April.

At present, I work 4 days a week having quit a very stressful job (caused my hair to fall out, IBS, acid reflux, panic and anxiety attacks, depression, always sick) Jan 2016. Been in new job about 15 months and hate it, though not as much as the last one.

Thing is: it's good money, benefits, pension etc.

We bought a new house in April this year with quite a big mortgage.

We will luckily have childcare 4 days a week after my maternity leave ends (planning on 7 months off) as MIL 2B will look after baby (she already does that for OH sister and has confirmed she will do same for us) so I can carry on at work but I just don't want to.

Part of it is hating what I do (law) and part of it is not liking the fact that someone else (albeit MIL 2B who is fab) will spend more time with our child than me.

Have worked out we could pay mortgage, all bills and buy food on OH's wage but we wouldn't be able to save much, if anything each month, or go on holiday (though he does usually get a decent bonus so that is possibility)

We have got used to a decent lifestyle of nice holidays and eating out and I don't really want to give that up (suspect he won't either) but it's not just about that - it's also I then worry about securing our future as I won't have any pension.

Not quite sure what to do. Part of me thinks assess all of this once have had the baby - I could conceivably change my hours to work 8-3 4 days a week so I'd be with the baby by 330/345 and surely it would be sleeping for a couple of hours whilst with MIL?! Or maybe go 3 days a week (so it's with me for 4, which means it spends more time with me) though that obv also means less cash coming in and less pension being built up. But that would be limited to 5-7 years whilst one or two kids get to school age.

Or give up entirely for 5-7 years then go back to the stressful type of work to catch up?

I am probably thinking about this too early but I am a bit of a worrier!!

[mysecret321]

I'm a solicitor and can sympathise...Law is such a tough profession to be in. There is no scope for making mistakes, having time off for sick children...I do love my job but I can see where you're coming from. No advice really, you have to make the decision that's best for you and your family

[SheSaidHeSaid]

Could you make a sort of compromise and does days in a less stressful role? So you've still got a little extra cash for treats but you're enjoying your working time more than you would if you went back to your current job?

You could even have a complete career change if you wanted because any money you bring in is spare money.

[SheSaidHeSaid]

Do less days*

[Loopytiles]

Are you married? If not then quitting work or reducing hours would be financially very risky.

Even if married it's important to think through the career and financial risks, and take the medium and long term into account too.

[Loopytiles]

Not having a pension is a massive risk.

I dislike my job, and would have liked a career break, but continued WoH and am glad to be financially OK.

It seems unlikely that if you take a long career break you'll be able to re enter well paid work easily.

[Loopytiles]

"any money you bring in is spare money"

Jesus, how 1950s!

[pitterpatterrain]

How about a slightly longer mat leave (8-9 months) then go back with a sliding scale - 3 days per week for a couple of months up to 4 days?

If you have childcare on tap that is a massive bonus (I know it likely doesn't feel like it) and it will likely be a fab bond between cousins if they grow up so closely

[vvviola]

Is it worth looking at a sideways move? My background is law, although I never practiced - but I did notice that a lot of my classmates moved from high pressure legal firms to internal counsel jobs once they had families.

Still busy jobs, but for the most part they have found them less stressful.

Would that be an option?

[meditrina]

You say OH, not DH.

Are you married?

Because if not, take a very careful look at whether you can afford not to work.

[ExtraPineappleExtraHam]

As someone who planned to stay at home, I think maternity leave will tell you if you want to be at home or at work. I won't say that I skipped happily back into my job but I knew that staying at home wasn't for me. Until you experience motherhood day in and day out I don't think you can decide. Keep your options open!

[NotMyMonkees]

In your position firstly I'd take the maximum maternity leave permitted, so you have longer at home with the baby and also longer to make your mind up about what next. Is yours the kind of job that you can get back into after a few years off, or realistically do you need to keep a hand in by doing at least a couple of days a week to keep up to date?

[TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries]

I would really really not make any decisions until you're actually on maternity leave. Some people love being at home with small kids, but if you're used to a challenging job which provides you with intellectual stimulation and autonomy... having a baby will not be at all like that.

Like PPs said I wouldn't even think about it unless you're married. And bear in mind that the power dynamic in your relationship would shift - you would become more dependent, and it's not unknown for men to lose significant respect for their partners when they become SAHPs. And getting back into a challenging field like law after any length of time would be difficult - your earning potential would take a long term, probably permanent, hit.

If it turns out to be really what you want to do you can make it work, but I would suggest thinking about a lateral move/cutting hours etc instead and keeping your hand in. And don't make any final decisions of any kind until baby's here.

[MaverickSnoopy]

I'm one of life's worriers and like to plan things like income down to the last miniscule detail. I have recently given up a stressful FT job after having my second. There was of course many factors at play but I never thought in a million years I would be brave enough to just quit with no back up. I always had to have a plan. We do have savings which we're happy to dip into. I was also recently offered a job (in a totally new field) part time wfh and so this will supplement DHs income, as well as allowing me to be involved in things like school run and have some time at home with the children. I was very lucky! The point that I'm making is that anything can happen and that having a plan isn't always the answer, sometimes (if you can afford it) you have to wing it. I was also prepared to go and get a job below my last grade if needed.

I think that in your shoes I would do nothing yet. Stick with it so that you are entitled to smp and then think about it while on mat leave. You also get ni credits when on mat leave and if you are claiming child benefit. If you were to quit right now you wouldn't get that.

Have you heard of digital mum's? Might be worth checking out.

[LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]

I hated my job in law... until I went on maternity leave! Now I bloody love my job because I need adult company, intellectual challenge and to be out of the house! I have never, ever appreciated my job as much as I do now. So I think it would make sense to wait until you have gone on maternity leave before making a decision.

But I would say that being at the right firm is very important. My current job lets me work a 4 day week from 9am - 5pm so I can be home for bath time every night and I have Thursdays as 'mummy day'. I really like my work/life balance and am incredibly grateful to my firm for making it possible - the magic circle firm I used to work for would never have made this possible for me.

[Ameliablue]

One thing I would say is you might find going from part-time to full-time at school age is difficult. I worked for time until my eldest went to school and it was at that point I found full time work too much. Trying to fit in family meals, homework, quality family time etc. was a nightmare, so I ended up doing hours to allow me to do school pick ups, then homework and dinner.

[Loopytiles]

Yes, school age DC bring different childcare/work challenges. If you and your DP/H work close to FT then it's likely that, unless you have a nanny (which most people can't afford), the DC will be in after school care and able to do fewer clubs etc than DC with a SAHM; and parental support for education is mainly later in the evening when DC are tired, and at weekends.

[Loopytiles]

We're Ok with that for our DC, because IMO the financial and other benefits of us both WoH outweigh the disadvantages. We also share drop offs / pick ups and in-week parenting.

[LazaUbi]

It sounds like you're in a great position. No immediate financial pressure on you to work if you absolutely don't want to after having the baby, a family member who can look after your baby and a job where you have some flexibility in hours.

Wait until the baby arrives and see how you feel, but you're likely to want more than 6 months off if you have that option. A staged return to work can work really well, 2/3 days a week initially and building up to 3/4 depending what you want to do with your hours.

It is hard leaving your baby and going to work but for the reasons you've mentioned in the longer term it can be for the best for your family. I expect you'd have to go back for at least some period of time or you'd have to repay some maternity pay?

I would be inclined to go with the option of shorter days so you do have a decent amount of time with your baby on the days you work. And then look for another job after a few months once you're out of the contractual period for repaying maternity pay if you leave. Find something less stressful so that you can enjoy your family. I work in a similar profession and have had awful roles like that before but there are good work environments with flexible hours out there if you are highly qualified, and it sounds as though you are.

Congratulations and enjoy you baby! Try not to worry about all this too much yet, you have plenty of time.

[harrietm87]

lorelai where do you work now? Sorry to crash the thread but I'm 3pqe and pregnant with 1st baby at a city firm and already planning my exit strategy...

OP I'm not speaking from personal experience (see above) but I agree with the other advice not to do anything drastic yet. I'm planning on seeing what it's like when the baby arrives and taking it from there.

[LadyRenoir]

I must say I am a bit envious, as I would love to be able to give up work after the baby, but unfortunately although our life is quite comfortable with both of us working, nothing extravagant, but we can afford going out and nice holiday every once in a while, after the baby, we will be really strapped for cash and there is no way we will be able to pull through without me working at least part time- and even that will put us in difficulty.

To be honest, I love my workplace and my colleagues, so not working is a bit of a fantasy really, as I quite like to continue to do what I do, but part of me would love to stay at home with the baby once it's born- but the other part knows we won't be able to pay food and mortgage if I don't!

[coastalchick]

wow! Thanks for all the responses ladies - some really good views/ideas there.

For the fellow lawyers - I was a litigation partner in private practice but am now effectively in house. It is literally 4 days a week 9am-5pm - am not expected to do anything extra but I do still hate law and lawyers (present company accepted of course!) and ideally I'd love to change tack but I have zero idea as to what!

Because I am offshore I can only get 6 months maternity leave (our rules are different to UK) and the remaining month will be accrued holiday. I also (as miss out on qualifying period for maternity pay by 5 weeks!!!!) will only get 2 weeks on full pay, rest will be SMP (our rates also different from UK) though will get the last month fully paid as holidays.

Think I'm going to wait until wee baby is born and see how I feel. Pretty sure they'll let me change my hours to 8-3 as my equivalents in other offices work those sorts of hours and 1 works from home one day a week.

I do think it might be hard to go back into it at a decent level in 5-7 years if I was to let it slip. I suppose at least this way it's not too stressful (it really isn't, apart from when I have to supervise junior fee earners on some matters and that stresses me out!) yet I keep my hand in and just keep chugging away earning the dosh until in a better position to decide (we have some savings but used most of them this year to buy a new house).

Not married yet, but we are getting married next year. Also agree good not to be dependent.

So, think I won't really know how I'll feel about leaving baby until I return to work - like some of you I may feel I need it to be intellectually challenged!

Thanks again for your responses x

[C0untDucku1a]

Glad youve made a decsion. Was just going to echo not stopping work if youre not married. Or have a
Pension for you that you partber pays into?

[coastalchick]

Nope, pension is my own and he has his own. I do have a flat in London which is in my sole name which I bought in 2003 so some security there of own. He also has a flat here in his sole name which he bought before we were together. So think if worst ever happened court would find we both intended to keep own flats as he's never paid towards mine and I've never paid towards his (same with repairs etc).

But lack of pension proper does worry me - didn't get one with previous jobs and so only had one since started this job.

Just think: arghhhh, the little chickpea is going to grow up fast and want to make sure I don't miss it!!!

A lottery win would be good! Sigh!

[TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries]

Just think: arghhhh, the little chickpea is going to grow up fast and want to make sure I don't miss it!!!

You won't though. I work 4 days/week, my son is nearly 3 and I don't feel I'm "missing it". We have a lovely time together, and he also has a wonderful time with his nannyshare buddies and his nanny who adores him. Meantime, I am able to grow my career and not lose my fucking mind.

If you find you really want to be at home, you can absolutely make it work - just take it one step at a time. Also, honestly, I don't find there is a huge overlap between "women who pursue demanding intellectual careers like law" and "women who love being SAHMs". But you never know.

[C0untDucku1a]

What i meant op is you need to keep paying into your pension if you stop work.