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Feeling unsupported

(10 Posts)
Shadow1988 Mon 03-Jul-17 16:28:23

I have always believed that we should take responsibilities for our own actions, that when I fell pregnant it would be something that me and my husband would go through together and I would feel completely supported and reassured by my husband throughout, that was until I fell pregnant with OUR baby.
I spent the last ten years believing that we lived in a time where things was beginning to be equal, an equal society between men and woman, I thought that sexism was a thing of the past in my life, how wrong was I ?
30 weeks pregnant, four hours sleep following a row with my husband after I had gone out of my way to drop him at stag doo, feeling uncomfortable sitting on a bench in a beer garden watching my friend carry a different chair over to me to try and get comfy, whilst my husband sits drinking with his friends for the third day in a row, planning his next piss up, I realised that it was not only my life that had changed dramatically, but also my husbands. But one had changed in the wrong direction.
Left confused by the fact that someone who had wanted this pregnancy so much had little consideration on the toll it had on their wife made me realise the following things:

1.If a pregnant person is feeling a certain way or concerned about something, blaming these thoughts or feelings on hormones does not make the feelings or thoughts go away.
2.No pregnant person cares how “Freds Wife” was when she was pregnant.
3.Just because someone is pregnant does not make them a taxi driver.
4.Being pregnant means that I don’t want my weekends rammed with things to do, I can’t stay out until 1am waiting for you to be ready to finish with your friends and I cannot be in a stressful environment.
5.Bring pregnant means that I have to put myself and the baby first even if that means making other sacrifices and missing out on things.

If only I could make him realise the effect that his behaviour had on me without him blaming my hormones. If only I could make him realise that I lie awake every night worrying that it is only my life that will be changing. Finding it hard to understand why he was not willing to make any sacrifices or support me when I had made this huge sacrifice to my life, my body, my career. I need support mentally, emotionally and physically. Just because you buy babies bits and read a couple of parents books does is not support. I chose emotional support over financial support any day.

The moment you see that blue line on the pregnancy test, you both have a responsibility, to ensure that the baby is growing in a healthy, stable, non-stressful environment. You are both already parents.

Sasmac2017 Tue 04-Jul-17 03:32:15

Hey shadow, I'm so sorry you feel so unsupported throughout your pregnancy. If it's any consolation, I genuinely believe that men just don't get it!! My husband is great etc but it's the small things that are big to us. I had been having terrible back pain and not once did he offer to rub it or anything. Seems small, but pissed me off no end. Have you voiced your concerns to hubby? Sometimes they're just not even thinking even when they should be.
I hope you'll be ok and have some friends to support you nearby xx

user1480264544 Tue 04-Jul-17 07:32:36

Hey I'm in excatly the same boat, this is my second pregnancy my daughter is 2.. definitely terrible! I'm 37 weeks pregnant baby is breech so in horrific pain and really struggling!! Yesterday he came in from work and had a huge go at me because I didn't buy snacks and there was no tea and buiscuits?! This was the final straw his attitude has been like this and worse from day one. I have no words to make it easier it's the worst when you feel so unsupported! I think men just don't get the emotional and physical difficulties a pregnancy brings I would say talk to him but if he's any thing like my partner he won't listen!! Good luck xx

newbian Tue 04-Jul-17 08:08:47

You're completely right. I had the "feminism is a lie" moment when I got pregnant. DH helps but honestly there is something that has emerged where he feels more comfortable outsourcing childcare to me or other female relatives, and then when I leave him in charge he frankly doesn't engage with toddler DD in a way that I find acceptable. I'm 18 weeks pregnant and yet manage to play more with her than he does. Not that he doesn't love her or want to contribute, he just accepts that I'm "better" at it.

Mind you we both work full time so I'm not a SAHM, there's no logical reason that I should be doing so much more than he does. Other than that I'm a woman.

I've had that exact conversation about how "Fred's wife" let him go on a lad's vacation when she was 36 weeks pregnant or let's him play 5 hours of sports over the weekend. I tell him "OK then marry her." Not my relationship, not my problem.

Sasmac2017 Tue 04-Jul-17 09:11:31

Omg....men ay. They really don't understand pregnancy at all. I know how you guys feel....I've been running around all day and evening doing everything at 33 weeks pregnant, I'm so tired and there hasn't been any offer to help with anything! They're dumb sometimes. Oh well!

user1480264544 Tue 04-Jul-17 09:17:06

I just needed to add this .. I was up most of the night in pain got up at 7:30 with dd to find my partner had told his work we had an appointment so he could have the morning off.. to have a lay in and go to the gym!!! Are you kidding me?! Then to top it off complains the house is a mess ?! He couldn't even answer when I asked the last time he offered it even helped with housework! Ugh I actually hate him right now!!

confusedat23 Tue 04-Jul-17 09:32:13

^ Totally agree Men Eh!!!

OP can you find a way to make him understand... My problem atm is doing ALOT of the housework even though I am suffering quite badly with aches and pains etc.

I get really pissed off when I realise I have done all the housework for the evening with no help, but then when I thought about it I hadn't really vocalised to him just how annoyed I was with the situation...Maybe venting might help him understand?

stepmum88 Thu 06-Jul-17 10:26:55

Felling every bodies pain - have a SS of 7. On Tuesday Husband got a phone call to say that he had bumped his head at school, but was fine. School kept him there & SS was dropped off that eve. Had a midwife appointment that morning which husband couldn't go to because of work, got in from work (10 hour day as normal) to him talking about SS. No questions about midwife appt at all. Felt like total crap. Last night went to our leavers ball & got in early at 9.30 to a strop from him
Because I didn't tell him that I was eating there. Feeling like I can't win at the moment at all 😞😞

Meowstro Thu 06-Jul-17 10:49:28

Sorry to hear that OP, sounds like your husband is being a bit of a dick. That being said, since I started maternity leave my husband hasn't done much without me asking (nagging, even). He's very apologetic and says it's stress, I think there's also a form if selfishness that may kick in with the realisation that things will change very soon and trying to hang on to it as soon as possible which we don't have the opportunity to indulge in.

Have you tried listing things he could do as opposed to telling him what he can't do? Me and DH found that helped. If it doesn't, some stern words about how it'll play out need to happen.

Chickpearocker Thu 06-Jul-17 10:54:36

The third day drinking in a row seems a bit more than brushing it off as typical man behaviour. You sound like you are married to a bunch of childish dicks, please don't think all men are like this and excuse shitty behaviour just because 'they don't know'. If you don't know how to support someone then learn. If I was treated like this by my husband there would be hell to pay.

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