Feeling stressed about impending arrival(16 Posts)
I'm 33 weeks pregnant & we're still majorly decorating our house ready for baby coming (1st DC). DH has worked really hard so far, but there's still so much to do & I just don't think we're going to be ready in time.
We've had offers of help from family & they've been great, but DH sometimes finds them a bit interfering & says he'd rather get on with it himself.
But it's getting to the point now where I just need it completing - the house is a complete mess, there's stuff everywhere, I feel like I can't get organised or get anything ready for the baby because everything's just been shoved out of the way so we can decorate...I'm getting really stressed.
Just said to DH I don't think we're going to be ready in time are we, & he just shrugged & said if we're not then we're not! Not the answer I was hoping for!
I'm sure he feels the pressure, & he's probably annoyed at me nagging, but he sounds like he's getting fed up & cant be bothered now. He's not exactly been on it the past few weekends - for example today he only got started at 2pm, & he's told me there's some sport on telly tomorrow afternoon that he'll be watching, so that will probably be a write-off too!
Am I being unfair, or would I be well within my rights to kick off & say actually, this needs to take priority & has to be finished before baby gets here?!
That sounds stressful. Can you prioritise one or two rooms, like your bedroom or the nursery so at least you'll have one space you can nest in that is ready?
Thanks for your reply We've finished our bedroom now so we've moved on to the nursery today. To be fair we're getting there & I'm not sure where my sudden stress/anxiety has come from today, as we're in a much better situation now than we were a few weeks ago. I think it's just because it's hit me that we only have about 7 weeks left til baby's here & it seems like so much to do in so little time.
Also we've had a few visitors round today who all looked horrified at how much work we still have to do, that's probably set me off too!
I feel an argument brewing with DH & although I do think I need to stress to him the importance of getting the work done as fast as possible, I also hate falling out & don't want to throw all his hard work back in his face IYSWIM?
I've not been feeling great because of the heat so not been so motivated to do much myself today, it's probably not helped him watch me laze around all day! We probably both just need to get a grip & crack on!!
To be honest, many many people have babies when their home isn't complete (I know ours won't be) but you can only make use of the time you have. What doesn't get done, doesn't get done.
I guess so Kool. I was just hoping that it would all be perfect for when baby comes, I think I'm scared that what doesn't get done will never get done once he/she is here. But you're right, we can only do what we can do in the time we've got. Thanks for giving me some perspective
Believe me when I say it can be done! We got the keys to our house 9 days before Xmas, in those 9 days we completely gutted the house including all flooring being pulled up, kitchen and bathroom replaced etc.
We accepted any help offered - it was hectic but in a way quite fun!! Could you accept what help is offered but organise what those people do yourself so you oH doesn't get stressed about it?
Could your DH take a solid week off work just to work on the house to help him focus on the task??
Another thing I like to do is start doing the work myself - my OH usually takes over so I don't mess it up!!
Also, last resort, but could you suggest to your OH you get someone in to finish it off? Usually works on my DH - think it's something to do with male pride
Wow CatRash, that's really good going! I definitely agree that we should be accepting any help offered, & I think it's dawning on DH that he doesn't have much of a choice now. I'm sure he'll really appreciate the help once he's got it!
He doesn't want to take any time off beforehand as he wants it off for when the baby is here, but if it comes down to it it's definitely something he could consider!
I've said a few times about getting in 'professional help' - drives him insane, but I always notice a sudden influx of work getting done once I've said it!
Great tips thanks! Tomorrow I might try saying "I'll just crack on with a bit of painting whilst you watch sport" & see if that spurs him on!
I think the others have given you really good advice, I just came to sympathise as the baby's room is half office, half pile of baby related stuff, needs to be turned into a spare bedroom for the in laws to stay and then into the nursery. Koolkoala got it spot on, if it's not done, then it's not done and DH will simply have to do it after the baby comes and use his paternity leave to finish it. Once I pointed that out to him he agreed a deadline for it. Could you agree a deadline with him and accept help after that?
He might see it as providing for his child IYSWIM? Which is why he's refusing help? At 31 weeks I'm taking help from anyone who offers!
I see what you mean Sparkly, maybe he feels it's his sole responsibility & that's partly why he's not keen for others to help? I can't help thinking though that it's a bit to do with the fact that if others were helping it would mean he has to be up early & doing actual hard graft, people wouldn't tolerate him nipping off to watch TV for a couple of hours here & there - whereas he feels he can do that if it's just him!
E.g. last night I went to bed at a reasonable time & asked if he was doing the same, owing to what I assumed would be an early start this morning (seeing as there's loads to do & I thought he'd want to make the most of the whole day). No, he stayed downstairs to watch films til the early hours, & now guess who's up bright eyed, bushy tailed & ready for the day ahead? & who's still in bed asleep with no intention of getting up & making a start any time soon?! Winds me up!!
I don't think he gets the concept of deadlines & timescales. I can't understand why he doesn't want to just get on with it?! I know I sound like a complete slave driver, & yes he needs his downtime, but he did probably a maximum of about 3 hours work yesterday & today will likely be the same!
Sorry for the rant!
Feel free to rant, I would be livid too but then I'm a huge fan of spreadsheets and timetables
Have you explained to him how stressed it makes you feel? Maybe drag him for a walk/coffee once he's up and explain how stressed you feel, you want the house to be sorted before the baby comes, which could be at 37 weeks? It might help him understand where you are coming from rather than be seen as a nag.
I think it could be a male pride/ his version of nesting, but equally I think it's so important to learn to accept help as a parent, perhaps remind him that the offers of help are not because people don't think he's capable but because they're excited and want to help? I said similar to my DH when he said we didn't need our Mum's to help out once the baby comes, he took it to mean they thought he was incapable of looking after me and the baby, and of course they're just excited and want to help!
Failing that, hide the remote and change the WiFi password
I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday & said I was feeling stressed about the amount of work we still have to do - he just laughed & said how do you think I feel, I'm the one that has to do it?! So I'm sure he really is feeling the pressure & is likely worrying quietly about it. But then he just downs tools & has a few-hour breaktime, like he really doesn't care?!
Maybe he's feeling overwhelmed, I don't know. It's all jobs that he can do, nothing that he's never done before. I'm sure his parents will be round today to check on the 'progress', which he hates (they can be slightly interfering but really do want to help) but they're the sort who will get stuck in & just not leave no matter what he says, which will actually be great in our current situation!
I just know that once the baby's here it will be a massive excuse to not get any more decorating done - he'll be too tired, he'll want to spend time with the baby, it'll be too messy to do around a baby etc etc.
I jus really wanted it all done, ideally finished a few weeks before baby's arrival so that we could have had a bit of time to just focus/mentally prepare for becoming parents (as that part hasn't even entered our heads, our thoughts have been all about the house!). I feel it's just going to be chaos instead.
He's still in bed, not even asleep just playing on his phone!!
OP id just crack on with it today. Channel that fury into your painting arm.
Sounds like the in laws will be a big help then! I hope they kick him into progress for you.
I think he needs to realise how much extra stress he's putting on you and pull his finger out. It's not okay to feck about for the next 7 weeks when you will have a new baby in the house. I wouldn't want my house stinking of paint and stuff everywhere with a new born. He sounds exactly like my ex. Sit him down and tell him it's not on, you have enough on your plate, I'm sure you are already tired enough without having to do diy. Also if he doesn't start bucking up call in help and over ride his wishes.
I have to admit, I was a bit when I read your OP. We've been living in a virtual building site for 2.5 years and have an 18 month old. DH has had to do a huge amount of restoration work, plumbing and electrical tasks - all the jobs that don't show any real progress and we only have a finished living room, bathroom and bedroom. The rest is awful, half the house needs demolishing, a new extension build and I'm 22 weeks pregnant with our second (hollow laugh - I know we've taken on a ridiculous commitment).
Having said that, I've now read your subsequent post and I have lots of sympathy! Your DH's relaxed attitude must be so frustrating - the sport watching, phone checking and write-off days would drive me mad, as would the lack of willingness to accept help.
I can't offer much advice apart from pushing him to take annual leave and tell him you've had professionals around to quote for the work (small white lie - I've done this and it's effective ). You'll definitely get there and having a newborn will be ok as you can plonk them down in one place and they won't move! Good luck!
Thanks so much for all your help & advice everyone. Crumbelina I bet that's pretty stressful, your DH sounds like he's working really hard & it'll be amazing when it's done! Good luck!
He's been guilted out of bed by the sounds of me (noisily) picking up wallpaper off the floor in the nursery that he had half-heartedly stripped off yesterday & just left everywhere! And I've had another word & said if he's not willing to pull his finger out & get it done then I'll be finding someone who can/will - be it volunteers or paid professionals!
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