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Abortion but still want more children

(33 Posts)
LuLu123456 Tue 16-May-17 14:53:45

I am currently 5/6 weeks pregnant and I am booked in for a termination tomorrow. I feel like the timing for me to have a baby isn't right and I wasn't wanting to get pregnant ( condom split then took morning after pill which didn't work)
When taking the pregnancy test I was hoping I wasn't pregnant and was upset when I found out I was. My partner doesn't want another child (we have twins already) but has said he didn't want the twins originally but 'came round to the idea' and now couldn't imagine life with out them and that he doesn't want me to go through with it if it's not what I want.
I feel as if I don't want this baby but I do want another in the future even possibly next year. Am I being selfish? I keep questioning myself how can I want another baby next year but not now and I'm so confused as to weather I do actually want a termination or not?

Branleuse Tue 16-May-17 15:00:10

I think its perfectly fine to choose a termination for really bad timing, even if you want another one later x

KittysMyName Tue 16-May-17 15:00:49

I think it's something only you and your partner can answer. Why don't you want a baby now, but maybe next year? What will change in a year?

KittysMyName Tue 16-May-17 15:02:17

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound cross on my post, sometimes messages come across badly, didn't mean it to! X

NellieFiveBellies Tue 16-May-17 15:02:52

only you can answer that.
if you feel strongly that the timing isnt right then that is absolutely your choice.

LuLu123456 Tue 16-May-17 15:16:09

Kittysmyname I didn't take it offensivelysmile
It's my last year with the girls before they go off to school so would like to just focus on them. It's a bad time work wise and I just feel like I don't want one yet.
Ideally ive always thought we would both of decided together when the time was right for us both to want one.
we're lucky to have the choice as to have a termination or not I just don't want to abuse that choice by having one just because the timings bad.

SummerMummy88 Tue 16-May-17 15:23:50

If you are planning on maybe having a baby next year, you will probably regret terminating this pregnancy, I would let the news soak in, it's always a big shock to find out your pregnant planned or not. It's such a hard decision and is something you will have to live with forever. Only you know deep down what you want. We are so lucky to live in a society that lets us have a choice. X

angstybaby Tue 16-May-17 15:25:05

I worried about timing too: the baby arrived in the July before the older one started school and I was worried that it would make him feel insecure just before starting school and scar him emotionally forever. He barely seemed to notice the baby and took to school like a duck to water. i spent months worrying over something that never happened. Kids change so quickly: 9 months is a life-time and your girls will be different by the time the baby arrives. when I conceived, DS was clingy and having a hard time at nursery. by the time the baby was born, he had nursery sussed and swanned off to school without a backward glance.

ElspethFlashman Tue 16-May-17 15:26:14

I don't think I would for the sake of one year if there were no other major factors, tbh.

Lemondrop99 Tue 16-May-17 15:27:34

Just to throw a thought out there - your reaction could be shock. You've only very recently found out and the pregnancy was unplanned. Do you have to go through with the abortion tomorrow? I appreciate that you may want it "over with" but if you're not 100%, I'm worried regrets may creep in later. Perhaps if you had a little more time to think, you would be able to know whether the reasons you want to abort still stand (I.e. Wrong timing), or whether after the shock sinks in, you might decide to work with the situation - particularly as you may want another child in the not too distant future.

This is, of course, your choice and I have no opinion either was. I just think that by allowing yourself a little more time, if you go ahead with the abortion, that time might help you be more confident in your decision.

Lemondrop99 Tue 16-May-17 15:28:38

Was typing when SummerMummy said basically the same thing!

hibbledobble Tue 16-May-17 15:33:58

I echo lemondrop. Think carefully about this, do you really want a termination?

Also remember there are no certainties. You could have a termination now, then next year you could try for a child and not be able to conceive. How would you feel then?

ElspethFlashman Tue 16-May-17 15:38:06

Also it's not like you have a newborn now - you would still have almost 8 months of nothing changing.

Dodie66 Tue 16-May-17 15:43:12

I agree with the other posts. Maybe take some time to get over the shock and think about it. Hobbledobble has a point. How would you feel if you couldn't conceive next year?

ArcheryAnnie Tue 16-May-17 17:31:51

Having a termination now has nothing to do with you perhaps wanting more children later. If it's not the right time now, then it's not the right time now (and only you can know that). It shouldn't have any bearing on whether you can conceive later, either.

I understand about wanting to focus on the kids you have now before having another. The time goes so fast when they are small, and if you add a newborn into the mix, with all the attendant sleepless nights and all the rest of it, inevitably that focus you now want will be somewhat taken away.

But it's something only you can decide for yourself, OP. Listen to what's right for yourself, whatever we all say here.

NorthernLurker Tue 16-May-17 17:35:50

If you partner doesn't want another child is he agreeable to the plan to conceive next year?

I would worry if you end this pregnancy and then he doesn't want to ttc that it will be a huge stress on your relationship?

giraffe88 Tue 16-May-17 20:31:50

Hi just my experience here...
I had a termination in 2015 and have now had multiple miscarriages I feel like I was being punished.
Not to put you off at all it is of course your decision what's best for you and your family but I assumed I could have more and unfortunately it actually hasn't been that easy.
All the best flowers

Chintaria Tue 16-May-17 22:08:35

A friend of mine had a termination a few years ago. She's now trying to have a baby, and had a miscarriage earlier this year... As a previous poster asked, how would you feel if that happened to you? My friend is devastated, and feels like she's being punished. You obviously have to do what is right for you, but if you have a termination now, what's going to change in the next year that would prevent you wanting another termination? Good luck, whatever you decide.

ArcheryAnnie Tue 16-May-17 22:25:21

I'm really sorry about the terrible experiences of giraffe and of Chintaria's friend, but there's no corrolation between someone having a termination and then a miscarriage. Women aren't being "punished" for having a termination, however it may feel - it's just that miscarriages sometimes happen to women, whether they have previously had a termination or not. It's really important not to spread really damaging myths that there's some kind of link there when there isn't.

user1494812234 Wed 17-May-17 03:47:20

I had a termination due to the fact that I just wasn't ready for a baby! I don't regret my decision at all and at the end of the day it's 100% YOUR decision!!
I'm now 34 weeks pregnant and as soon as I found out I was pregnant with my little man I just knew it was right!
You do what you feel is right for you don't let ANYONE influence your decision! smile x

TheDropBear Wed 17-May-17 05:25:06

Nothing wrong with having a termination but have you discussed your want to conceive again in the next few years with your partner?
Just it sounds like he doesn't want a child, he's obviously being supportive of the accidental pregnancy but he might not want to actively try to conceive. If you terminated this pregnancy and then he said no to conceiving again would it cause regrets?

DoubleCarrick Wed 17-May-17 05:34:12

annie you make a really good point. One does have to be wary making links because the miscarriage guilt I so immense but I imagine if you'd previously had an abortion you might feel like the mc were your fault because of it. I tried to blame my mc on so many things when I lost my baby at 12 weeks

Bordersarethebest Wed 17-May-17 06:33:22

.An abortion shouldn't affect future fertility.

However, fertility isn't something you can just switch on and off at your convenience. I have two friends who got pregnant easily first time but didn't manage a second time.

Not a dig, but genuinely, how would you feel if you can't conceive again when it feels right?

ticklycough Wed 17-May-17 07:29:09

My heart really goes out to you. I was in a similar situation myself a few years ago, it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Eventually, I went with my gut instinct and had a termination at 12 weeks. I still feel guilty about it to this day, time lessens this to some extant through. However, I believe I did the right thing at the time and it was for the best. Good luck and sending hugs x

ethelfleda Wed 17-May-17 08:00:51

Just to throw my experience in here for balance... I had a termination just over 2 years ago because the timing wasn't right. I knew from mine and my partner's reactions that it wasn't what we wanted. I had a termination and we have never regretted it. We started trying for a baby a few months ago and I am now just over 14 weeks pregnant. We had no issues conceiving this time around and we are both very happy and excited this time... it just feels right.
I'm sure you will make the right decision for you... whatever you decide to do, do not regret your decision and be kind to yourself x

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