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Help! Unexpectedly pregnant while on BC - 7 months along!(43 Posts)
Hello all, I'm new and very nervous!
I am a 25 year old law student from the USA; my partner is British and I've moved here to be with him and to attend post-graduate university (again, my 2nd MA, what was I thinking?!).
About 8 months ago I was fitted with arm implanted birth control, and assumed all would be well. My partner and I have had regular intercourse since then and I never had a period I was told many times this was normal and that some women don't have a regular cycle on Implanon. Colour me surprised when out of nowhere I began having extreme discomfort in my back/pelvis, trouble breathing when walking up hill, horrific heartburn, and what I described as "a rolling feeling" in my abdomen.
I was convinced I was very ill with some terrible malady. I finally got up the courage to make GP appointments, etc., but before going in I decided to take an at home pregnancy test because my symptoms seemed to maybe be associated with that but I thought, surely this will reassure me that this isn't the case. I ordered a test online, as I've never even had a PG scars and the thought of going to Boots to buy one was too much to bear at this juncture. So I got it in the mail yesterday, laughing as I filled a small tumbler glass to test, and stuck it in as instructed. Well. 30 seconds later I had a positive. A definite one. I swore loudly enough that my dear partner heard, and I told him immediately. I had read if I was indeed pregnant and had an arm implant I needed to go to A&E, so we took an uber right away. Of course the ride was tense.
My partner is much older than I, and does not want additional children beyond the one he has with his ex wife. I have never wanted children either and hadn't planned for this. He started discussing "our options", which I couldn't really think about yet, not knowing what was going on or whether the pregnancy would be viable.
Hours after we arrived at A&E, a nurse called me back and asked me about symptoms. I provided more wee to test, and grimly awaited the news. A different nurse brought me back to the minor injuries area and asked me for another sample, and told me that so far, it had been positive. I saw her write HGC POSITIVE on my form. I almost collapsed. It suddenly became very real that I was exprecting. She helped me calm down and the next step was to get a basic scan. My head was spinning as a doctor asked me some basic questions and had me lie down for examination. The scan revealed the pregnant to be about 6-7 months along, but she did not know exactly because it was not her specialty and the scanner was a basic one. So she contacted midwives(?) who will be contacting me today to make an appointment for a more detailed scan and blood testing.
My partner is still upset and wants some time to think about all of this, which I understand. But I feel so alone in a foreign country without my family for support.
I'm writing this at 5am and feeling so many things! I am scared and nervous and hopeful all at once. This is no unexpected and shocking. Has anyone experienced: 1) pregnancy on Implanon or other birth control? 2) finding out they are due so late in the pregnancy? I feel like one of those silly girls who "didn't know they were pregnant" but I honestly had NO IDEA until yesterday. Suddenly all of the symptoms I've been having make perfect sense, which is a relief in a way.
I hope this post wasn't too rambling! Any advice regarding this situation would be so helpful. Thank you!!
I'd also like to say that this is my first ever pregnancy and I've never even had a scare before! So I'm even more nervous and have no idea what to expect or what things I should be doing/not doing?!
Oh! Also I should mention that I have gained maybe only a stone or so, and I'm not a thin woman to begin with so this has likely made it harder to tell that I was so pregnant - right?
You will be alright. You are bright, with good qualifications. So a baby isn't on your life plan just yet, but there's one on the way. You will be fine. Let's hope your partner gives himself a kick.up the arse and supports you before you lose all respect for him. You will.be fine.
Hah! Yes, you did mention it. Thank you for the positive words. I really do hope he gets on board in some capacity, because as of now it seems like my only choice is to go back to the States and raise this babe on my own! The prospect of which doesn't thrill me entirely. I mean, he is still in shock too, but as of last night he said he doesn't think he wants any part in this and he wants me to give up for adoption which isn't something I'm willing to consider. But you're right, I'm qualified and capable.
Congratulations, i echo what fusspot said. It'll be ok. He may come around (after the shock wears off), he may not, but you do still have options, be they staying here or going back to the states. How much longer is your university course?
No experience of your situation but didn't want to read and run
Finding out you're pregnant can be scary enough when you think you're ready and it's planned - there's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling the way you do right now. There are other posters on these boards who have been where you are now and hopefully they'll be able to give you good support soon.
I imagine the midwives will book in your pregnancy at your appointment. This is quite a long process (about 90 minutes around here) which usually takes place during the first trimester. You'll be asked lots of questions about family history, health and so forth. There are normally only two scans in pregnancy, one at 12 and one at 20 weeks. Pregnancy is usually dated at the 12 week scan so the midwife will talk you through what can be done/seen/checked in a later scan.
The NHS choices website is a good starting point for pregnancy information: www.nhs.uk/Conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/pages/pregnancy-and-baby-care.aspx
Whilst I can understand your DP wanting to go through options as soon as possible, it sounds as though you both need a little time to get past the initial shock, talk to the midwives and get some clarity on how you/your pregnancy are at the moment. It probably feels very rushed having 3 months to get used to what the rest of us have 7 or 8 months to prepare for, so all the more reason to take a deep breath now. Do you have any friends you could talk to about this? Are any of your family due a visit soon?
Good luck at your upcoming scans and appointments - I hope all goes well for you
Something very similar happened to my lovely SIL- she was away from home, in a new relationship.
She started feeling similar to what you described and only did a pregnancy test after my MIL suggested it could be a possibility. She later found out she was 7 months gone.
Obviously- it was a massive shock. Her life was turned completely upside down. She's dealt with it amazingly- her partner has been supportive and their baby is now 18 months.
It wasn't the ideal way to start a family with the stress and uncertainty, but now two years down the line they are honestly extremely happy- not just getting by or managing- they actually feel lucky for have their family just the way it is.
savagehk: I was due to go back to the states this summer anyway, as I have 3 months off between uni terms. I was due to graduate in January 2019; my visa is valid until then. I obviously need to get some advice from immigration and regarding baby's citizenship as well!!!
Duggee: thank you so much for the thoughtful reply. I am very much in shock that I only have a few months to prepare! I'm making lists of things I need to do and trying to relax myself. I don't want to add to the stress of the situation or stress out the baby. I very luckily have a super supportive mother and auntie who I have already told, and while they are in the states, I'll hopefully be going back soon at least for the birth? But I don't know if my partner will want to be there. So much to think about.....
Dinosaurkisses: It's nice to know I'm not alone in having this happen! I hope your sister in law and her family continue in happiness, and hopefully I will find that level of zen myself....!
Just saw the bit about your partner talking about not wanting to be involved etc.
I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's (naturally) freaking out. Don't be making any decisions based on him right now- you sound sensible and capable and you're channeling your shock in a more "OK, let's sort this." way.
Congratulations! He's probably in shock, just like you. Don't make any rash decisions to go back to the states. He may well come round to being a dad again. How is your relationship in general?
Dinosaur: I think I'll give him space and time; I'm busy this weekend and he has his 9 y.o. every other weekend, and this is one of them. So I'll just assume that he's as shocked as I am and he'll step up and contribute something to the conversation as he's able. I'm trying to remain clear headed as possible, because that's the only way I know how to deal with crisis!!!! And at the end of the day - it's a blessing, right? I'm not a destitute teen with no support. I'm so thankful that the baby seemed healthy and had a heartbeat...
I'm not an expert but baby will probably get your citizenship. If you name your partner on birth certificate (I believe there are pros and cons to this which you may want to consider) baby may be able to inherit his British citizenship as well. I'm not sure of the USA's view of dual citizenship though.
Once you've had your midwife appointment it's probably worth checking with your university what support they offer to women who are pregnant or who have had babies, you may be well supported, and they could possibly give advice re extending visa if you move to either a more spread out course or take a year off.
Mawmimar: Generally our relationship is struggling a bit. I've never lived with anyone before, and on top my my full time studies and working part time, I've been the primary house cleaner/laundry do-er, cook, etc. As recently as yesterday we discussed me moving out, before I took that first test. I have been feeling like I need space and I wanted to get student housing for next year so I cooked focus on school and not being a housewife on top of everything else. His child is also extremely difficult and has no rules or guidelines or structure from my partner or his ex, so when he is here on weekends, it is total mayhem.
Long story short: he's a good guy, but the relationship has some problems.
If the baby is born here might he be able to prevent you going back to the States? I would take some legal advice.
Heebiejeebie: I know you're probably trying to help but that's scared me....why would he want to prevent me from going home?! He's not an abusive person....
He probably wouldn't but you do need to have all the facts. The poster probably doesn't want to scare you, just make sure that you have all the information you need
Don't flame me because the blog is about australia, the convention is agreed upon by many countries (see map).
Fwiw I would concentrate on your own situation for a week or two. You should try to give yourself a small timeframe to get used to the idea of going to have a baby and your medical checks. After that you can talk to your DP and figure out where your relationship is heading. I know of a couple who went to counseling and it helped them a lot to understand each other better.
I think this thread is scaring me more than anything. I understand that there will be legal issues to consider but surely if he doesn't want to be involved he can't force me to stay in the UK for no reason?! I know he still may change his mind about wanting to be involved but if he doesn't am I just supposed to stay here alone without family until he decides he wants to be involved??
Think I'll delete these thread and stay away from online advice if this is the tone of how it will be. I'm already terrified and living in a foreign country. I don't need to think about being in trouble for leaving and going home.
Please don't stick your head in the sand. This is important information that you need to have NOW. He can't force you to stay but he can force the child to stay. He peobably wouldn't but just ignoring facts because you are scared can be very damaging in the years to come. The chance is small of course, but it exists.
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