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Pregnancy Shock and Confusion

(23 Posts)
Lambembert Thu 11-May-17 08:08:48

I’m 38 years old. I stopped taking the contraceptive pill last Winter for reasons advised by my GP (nothing serious). My periods have been regular/light and all has been fine.

I’ve been with my partner for around 8 years. I’ve long felt that I very very much wanted a family, and in recent years have started to be quite panicky about the prospect of not having children (although less so recently)but my Partner has been less keen, although not ruled it out or directly said he doesn’t want children. We have talked about vague plans of when we start a family, but it has always felt like ‘a bit further in the future’. Given that we are late thirties and late forties in age, we’re both well aware that there isn’t endless time for it to be ‘a bit further in the future’.

When I came off the pill, we had had a bit of a rocky time in our relationship, but had sorted out some big issues and had just got back on track and have been happy/solid ever since. We decided not to use other contraception, but to track and avoid fertile times. (We have a lot going on at the moment - in the process of buying a house that needs renovation work, wider family stuff, slight uncertainty with Partners job). I suppose I saw this as semi trying not to get pregnant (i.e thinking that if it did happen then it would be OK and I/we would be happy with it). However, we had a slip up in December and realised immediately we had forgotten the dates. I was surprised by my Partners reaction that he would be happier if I took the morning after pill given that we had just got things going well again, and were enjoying our new found happiness so much (no pressure to do this though, he said would fully support if I chose not to, and see what happened). After giving it thought, I decided to take the pill, was fine with it, and haven’t given it another thought.

I have now found out this week that I’m pregnant. My last period was unusually light even for me, and I know that we haven’t had sex since then (too much going on!), so can only assume that it wasn’t a real period and the accident happened the previous month, meaning that I think I’m around 7 weeks now – have Dr appointment today to discuss.

I thought we had been so careful with dates this year, and am shocked. My Partner is being supportive but like me, is shocked. The problem though is that since I found out, I feel only terror, doubts and have been tearful, upset, sleepless. Given that I have spent years making no secret of the fact that I want a family; I don’t understand why I feel nothing resembling happiness, joy or excitement. In the last two days since I found out, I have thought only of everything that scares me, how the timing is all wrong given that we need to try and renovate a house this year too, and have felt generally pretty miserable.

Is this normal? Could my reaction simply be the shock of the unexpected? Can anyone else relate to these feelings and give me some wise words please? Thank you.

MissBax Thu 11-May-17 09:07:10

We see these posts alot on here, so be assured that it IS a normal reaction ❤
I think you just need to have a think through everything, and communicate openly with your partner. You really should try and both be on the same page - the last thing you'd want is resentment from either side.
Try writing down any concerns / worries you have as this can help you look at them from a more rational place if you can see them on a piece of paper, and then think about how you would / could overcome each one.
I personally feel that there is never a "right" time to have a baby - we could all be more comfortable in our job or with money, or have something in the house sorted, or tick abc off a list HOWEVER as long as you and your OH are strong and want the same thing I think it's doable. But this means different things for everyone. Is there anyone else you could speak to? A friend, or family? Someone that knows you well and can help talk you through all your thoughts?

rachy22 Thu 11-May-17 13:14:47

Hi @Lambembert I'm basically in the same situation - came off the pill, and we were tracking fertile times, but it seems I wasn't ovulating in a consistent manner, and long story short I got a bfp last week.
This is by no means the 'right' time for us, my OH is studying in Birmingham and I live in London! But as @MissBax says, we've decided there probably never would be a 'right' time, and will just have to make sure we get our act together to be able to live together from September. (We both did ultimately want to have a family, and with time the shock has worn off and become excitement)
It's definitely normal to be scared and worried, try to talk with someone your close to, it really will help. And there's still time to make up your mind about what you want to do smile
(Also, congrats)

Presh1234 Thu 11-May-17 14:45:58

I'm sort of in the same boat! We only got married six weeks ago and I had my last period 10 days later. I found out last weekend which means on Saturday I'm 5 weeks. I too am 38 and can only think of negative things at the moment and what could go wrong instead of the final outcome and what could go right!!
Like you, I have never made any secret about wanting children and have wanted them for years. Now it's happened I feel totally overwhelmed. I also live abroad where things are all done very differently compared to at home in UK.
I am reasoning with myself that this is wonderful, look at all the people who can't have children, who it takes ages to conceive, look at the fact that I'm not actually sick or dying with people out there facing diseases every minute of every day. I'm having a baby!!! A positive.
When the tiredness hits me and the nausea and then I think about not going out, socializing, drinking, travelling on a whim, then I get scared.

DarkestBeforeDawn Thu 11-May-17 15:56:49

These feelings are honestly and truly normal. Even if a baby was the most planned and wanted in the world, women all over feel fear and trepidation. I know I did! Don't read too much into your feelings and take some time to let how you feel settle down. If you still feel the same in a week then re-assess but in the meantime let the shock set in and go easy on yourself.

haveacupoftea Thu 11-May-17 18:52:30

Yeah it's normal to have those feelings and think what the hell have I done! But you've been with your partner 8 years and if you were waiting for the circumstances to be perfect to be brutally honest you mind never have ended up with a child. The circumstances will never be just so.

When you go for your 12 week scan and you see those little legs kicking and arms waving at you and realise you're a mum - I really think you'll feel a lot more positive about the whole thing.

Lambembert Fri 12-May-17 07:36:36

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me. I really appreciate all the thoughts, suggestions and re-assurances. Good to know I'm not alone with these feelings.

24 hours on and I'm not feeling any more positive or clearer. My Partner was home last night for the first time since we found out (he was away for work), and I just didn't want to talk about it at all; I must say he doesn't exactly seem pleased but maybe he's simply reacting to my reaction (if that makes sense). I jst feel like I want to be alone to absorb things but sadly work and normal life beckons!

I'm thinking of booking a private dating scan just so I have all the facts asap - I may have to wait three weeks via NHS.

Lambembert Fri 12-May-17 09:39:52

I laid in bed last night trying to remember/feel why I've always wanted a family, and can't for the life of me.....

baconsandwiches Fri 12-May-17 12:37:24

My husband and I decided to start trying late last year and in my head it was still very abstract (lots of thinking it will take ages and will only happen when I'm finally 'ready' etc), but it happened straight away and even though it was 'planned' as such, I wasn't prepared at all for how emotional and stressful it was to find out. I cried at how overwhelming it was and was really terrified and I think all of that is normal, it's a huge thing to be faced with! I'm now only a month away from my due date and although I'm apprehensive I'm really excited, it just took time to gradually get there from a place of terror! Hope everything goes well for you smile

Lambembert Fri 12-May-17 17:35:56

Update - I came home from work today, and my Partner is being very cold, distant, unfriendly.

I asked his opinion of whether we should go for a private dating scan ( we have opportunity of appointment tomorrow morning), and he basically told me in a nutshell that he's never said he wanted children, what happens next is up to me now, and that it's my fault I'm pregnant because it was my responsibility. He actually said the words "why would it have been my responsibility?".

I wanted to discuss whether if we decided that the time wasn't right now and considered a termination (and that's a huge IF) would we ever both be on the same page and decide to start trying, and he just shrugged and started reading again.

I tried again to have a reasonable discussion, and told him that while now might not be the ideal time for various reasons, I'm not prepared to say for definite that I accept I'm never going to have children, and he just essentially ignored me.

I'm devastated. I feel so hurt, confused, and scared. I knew he could be cold/cruel but it's beyond me how anyone could be this cruel to someone they purport to love. I've been sat on the bathroom floor crying for half an hour now.

aheffalump Fri 12-May-17 17:47:50

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can only judge from what you've said, but I don't think this man will ever be ready to have children with you. So don't make a decision based on keeping him happy or him changing his mind in the future. Think about what you want xx

rachy22 Fri 12-May-17 19:46:25

Oh no! So sorry to hear this. Agree with pp that it sounds like he will never be ready to have children, and so you need to make a decision that's best for you, hard as that will be.
On the other hand it could be that he's just reacting out of shock, and doesn't really know what he wants or how to react at the moment. But to be so cold, and frankly childish, is rather cruel. Sending hugs your way

Laura2507 Sat 13-May-17 04:40:12

Hi OP

Sorry to hear your latest update, I'd like to say what an arsehole he is to blame you and say it was all your responsibility. If he was that concerned about not getting pregnant why didn't he wrap up! It is definitely not just your responsibility, you both consented to having sex without contraception and there is always a risk even if you are tracking fertile days.

He's also an arsehole for not being clearer before now about not wanting children. He's essentially strung you along in that respect, probably for his own selfish reasons of not wanting to lose you.

Now is the time for you to be selfish and think about what you want. Think about a life with a child without your partner, or a life with your partner but without a child. There is no right or wrong answer, just what is right for you. What would you regret more - not having children or losing your partner?

Please don't let being scared about the pregnancy put you off either. It really is a very natural emotion in early pregnancy even when planned. I spent years planning my pregnancy - I'm single and went down the IVF with donor sperm route. Had one failed transfer and became pregnant on my second transfer. This baby couldn't be more wanted yet I still had moments of 'oh shit what have I done' and being scared about the big changes coming up. It does subside as you start getting used to the idea but anxieties still exist about being a good mummy etc and about being able to give the child the best life I dream of. I think it's all part and parcel of being a mummy, I'm 35 and my mum still has anxieties about me and my siblings!

perfectpanda Sat 13-May-17 08:19:33

Hi. I wanted to share my experience with you in case it helps to hear a positive story .

I had an unplanned pregnancy 10 years ago. It was at a bad point with DP, we'd had a temporary split and weren't even living together.

I didn't feel any initial happiness about being pregnant ( despite desperately wanting kids) and he was an arse and told me he felt I'd trapped him.

Anyway long story short, we stuck it out and I'm now expecing our 3rd kid (also unplanned , well into my 40s, I didn't learn... ).

Anyway being pregnant again reminds me how much feelings change during the pregnancy. I cried most of the 1st trimester during my current pregnancy and am now happy and excited as the due date approaches. And I guess the bloke also experiences a huge range of feelings (but not the hormone surge..).

It took me a long time to forgive him being such an arse at the start. And I've had to change my expectations to cope with how he deals with things. Not ideal but it's worked for us.

I really hope things work for the best for you.

Lambembert Sat 13-May-17 18:40:20

We had a terrible evening of frosty silence, until I went to bed fairly early as completely shattered.

I had my private viability / dating scan this morning. My partner insisted on coming with me, despite me making it crystal clear that I was fine going alone (true). The consultant has dated as only 5 weeks, nothing to see only the sac. We honestly can't remember having sex since my last period in April so are both confused by the dates, but I guess we must have done!

The very early dating is a relief as I now feel I have a little breathing space to work out how I feel and what I eant. I still have a very strong feeling that I wish I wasn't pregnant, but will give myself a little time.

The atmosphere between us is thawing a little but we haven't had any further discussions.

Lambembert Sat 13-May-17 18:41:31

Also meant to say, thank you all for such positive, re-assuring messages over the last few days. I'm so glad I found this forum.

heateallthebuns Sat 13-May-17 18:57:26

Like others have said, there's never a good time, he's never going to be ready. You have to decide what's right for you.

Funnyonion17 Sat 13-May-17 19:02:42

Totally normal reaction. Eventually it turned into joy and excitement for me. Due now and back to panicking! Most of us get scared about big changes

Lambembert Sun 14-May-17 13:04:53

I can't believe how tired I feel, just in the last couple of days. Feel like I could sleep for a week......

AragornsManlyStubble Sun 14-May-17 22:13:13

How are you doing OP?

heateallthebuns Mon 15-May-17 15:45:38

How are you op?

Lambembert Mon 15-May-17 16:18:23

Thanks for asking. I'm OK. Life goes on doesn't it?!

I'm still very confused about what I want, but I think the shock is wearing off a little, and I'm able to think a little more clearly.

Fruitcorner123 Mon 15-May-17 21:17:42

Sorry to hear its been so hard op. its physically a hard time without being emotionally hard too. The tiredness is normal unfortunately!
I do want to say that your partner is out of order for blaming you and I hope he isn't putting pressure on you to end the pregnancy. He sounds like he's in shock so hopefully will apologise and have a meaningful discussion with you in a few days.

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