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Thinking of starting a family and terrified

(13 Posts)
user1494260878 Mon 08-May-17 17:44:55

Thank you for taking the time to click.

I'm 32 and have been married a year. There isn't any reason to not start a family (aside from a slightly too small house but that's not really a reason). We are both employed and have been together for 7 years. I've always wanted kids, but for some reason now that I'm at the right point in my life, I find myself terrified. I was crying for 10 minutes thinking about it before finally writing this post.

I do like kids and have good experience, but I'm just really scared. I live abroad (my husband is English I grew up in North America) and I just feel overwhelmed by this. He's supportive but doesn't really understand (frankly I don't know what's wrong with me either). I feel like something is wrong with me... like I should want this more.

I don't have a history of depression or anxiety. I did, however, make an appointment with a counsellor to talk through this and try and understand my emotions more.

Did anyone else experience feeling like this before starting a family or am I just broken?

heateallthebuns Mon 08-May-17 17:47:07

It's a scary thing! Maybe you've just got yourself all worked up thinking about it. What is it that you feel like you want?

user1494260878 Mon 08-May-17 17:55:57

I do want a family. There are so many thing I want to share and show my hypothetical child...and I think I could be a great mum. I think it's the pregnancy and the early years that frighten me. I worry about my body and I worry a lot about giving birth. My husband figures it's not worth the worry "women have done it for years" but it still frightens me.

I also worry about my career stalling.

lifesjoys Mon 08-May-17 18:07:44

Pregnancy & labour are a piece of piss, it's the newborn stage that got me! However, I've no patience at all, so when my DS fusses, I'm ready to leave!

heateallthebuns Mon 08-May-17 19:29:14

It sounds like you'd like to have a child but you're worried about pregnancy and birth and your life changing.

This is my experience, I've got three children:

You most likely won't be as worried about your career once you have children. Your priorities will change.

Don't worry at all about pregnancy and giving birth. It's only short term. Pregnancy is mostly fine unless you're really unlucky, Most people say afterwards that they wish they hadn't worried about the birth, it just happens by itself and usually any pain is managed. Obviously people have bad experiences. But most people would do it again!!

Having children is a rewarding and fantastic experience, better than anything else in life.

user1494260878 Mon 08-May-17 20:03:20

Thank you for your reply. I know I over think things a bit. It's so wonderful to hear from women who have experience. It's a positive reality check.

I'm really grateful. Thank you so much.

TeaTeaTea Tue 09-May-17 10:37:43

Have you spoken or watched anything that has given you doubts about life with a baby/children? Try and seek out the positives - as with everything there's going to be tough times (a teething toddler, oh my days!) but positives FAR outweigh the tough times. And as mentioned above the tough times are short term - pregnancy, birth, baby years (if that's what worries you, not the easiest but definately ones appreciate experiencing).
Yes, your life changes but this is not a bad thing. Having my DS changed me completely - I'm a better wife, better at my job (I went back to work and am better, more focused, organised and confident) and to have a little person there that is growing up healthy & well because of YOU is the most magically thing.
It's ok to be fearful, shows you care. Good luck for the future x

floraeasy Tue 09-May-17 10:41:02

Write down all the reasons you want kids. Real reasons - make sure it's not just "the next thing to do" iyswim.

If you get enough good reasons down, just refer to these every time you feel a bit nervous.

I think certain fears are only natural and just show that you are thinking things through. That's no bad thing, you know!

PonderLand Tue 09-May-17 11:02:44

Birth really frightened me before my son was born, I did a lot of research and read a lot of horror stories of birth experiences etc. I got so worked up about it all and we eventually decided to go to an ante-natal group that focused on the stages of labour and the newborn stage. This really helped my anxiety and made me feel at ease, it also helped my partner understand why I was so worried of the unknown and what he could do to help me and the baby in the birth and newborn stage.

If you do get pregnant then I would really recommend going to an ante-natal group. Hospitals in the U.K. Also do a tour of the labour wards and birthing rooms, I wonder if that would also help you if they're available where you live.

My son is 11 months old now, before 5 months I really didn't enjoy motherhood but now he's starting to interact with us and his toys, he belly laughs at silly stuff, eats the cat, bum shuffles at about 20 mph, and just generally makes me smile and laugh for 90% of the day. I would re-do those 5 months for what we have now with out a second thought! I work p/t and found I enjoy my work more and I appreciate my friendships and family much more. I've no idea why but he's just made me want to make the most of each day and each person in my life.

That's a really soppy post but the good times have far out-weighed the difficulties of birth and a new baby.

Helbelle75 Tue 09-May-17 11:20:23

I'm always wanted children but was really worried about how my body would change. I've always been vain and a bit obsessed with fitness and looking the best I can. Also worried about the career I'd built up and was very proud of. I was also worried about the birth.
I loved being pregnant - loved my bump and feeling my baby kick. The birth didn't go as planned, it was a long drawnnout induction ending in a c section.
BUT none of it matters when you have your baby in your arms. None of it. Being a mum is all consuming and you will never feel love like it. I feel this is what I was born to do and feel totally fulfilled.

user1494260878 Thu 11-May-17 16:52:22

Oh thank you do much. That is really great advice about some support I didn't even know existed. Not too soppy at all! Seriously thank you.

2DaysOffSchool Thu 11-May-17 19:21:38

If you're worried about not getting your body back, you totally can, it might just take a bit more work!

My sister has completely whilst having 2 small children. I have not, but I'm lazy grin.

But don't feel obliged to have children, it's not for everyone. Think of the holidays you can have instead!

You've got time to work through your feelings.....

Pigface1 Fri 12-May-17 13:51:02

user I was so glad to read your post because i'm exactly the same. I'm going on 31. Have a lovely husband. Both have decent jobs. I like children and always thought I would have them but now it's coming to that time... I'm absolutely terrified.

I'm terrified of childbirth. I'm terrified of the baby dying or being injured. I'm terrified of being ripped and cut and stitched back together again. I'm terrified of the NHS.

I'm terrified of losing my career. I've worked so hard for it and I love it. I'm terrified of how I'll afford childcare fees and balance work with home.

I'm very introverted so I'm scared of not having my own time and space to recover. And I'm very anxious so I'n terrified of being a super anxious parent who projects that into their child.

I didn't have a very happy childhood and had awful teenage years. I'm so scared that I'll be a bad parent and my child will be the same.

Sorry for listing all this (I know it doesn't help you to hear my fears!!) but I'm so terrified I'm constantly questioning myself about whether I really can cope.

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