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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Actively TTC but now I'm pregnant I'm considering an abortion

33 replies

pregnantandscared1234 · 07/05/2017 08:16

Hi,
Have name changed for this. DH and I are in our 30's and have been TTC for a little while. I got my BFP yssterday and both of us are shocked and scared, not happy at all. I've spent the last 12 hours crying, and barely slept.

We are financially secure but rent a 1 bed flat. We are trying to buy a house, but live in London so it's tough. Not much comes up, and we have been outbid on everything we have offered on.

Given mine and DH's reactions, I feel like an abortion is the only option? We didn't expect this to be so fast...I have PCOS and there is family history of infertility.

What do I do? Half of me thinks it will be ok, the other half just wants it out of me.

OP posts:

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GotToGetMyFingerOut · 07/05/2017 08:18

Eh well I guess it's your choice. Follow your gut instinct.

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Fairylea · 07/05/2017 08:20

Are you sure you're not just in shock?

I think everyone has those feelings of "oh god this is really happening" when you first find out. At the end of the day it is your choice but given that you've been actively trying I do wonder if some of this is shock talking.

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RememberToSmile1980 · 07/05/2017 08:20

Why have you been actively ttc if you have all of these issues and concerns? If it is an abortion that you want then that it totally your choice. However do no ttc in the meantime as it seems neither of you are ready.

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Oliversmumsarmy · 07/05/2017 08:21

Common reaction from what I have read on here.

A bit like Holy Crap we are actually having a baby.

Dare I say a perfectly natural reaction

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Dozer · 07/05/2017 08:22

It sounds like fertility is an issue, so a factor in making the decision is that it could be difficult to have a DC in future.

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Lolabee · 07/05/2017 08:23

I would recommend a little time for the news to sink in. I doubt you would have been actively trying if you weren't sure of what you as a couple wanted. Give it a few days and see how you feel. BUT it needs to be yours and your partners decision and not based on what other people say.

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GotToGetMyFingerOut · 07/05/2017 08:23

Yeah i think it's likely shock. Maybe you should give yourself a few days to just chill out and get use to the idea and see how you feel. Don't worry about abortions etc yet or making a decision. Try remember the reasons why you started ttc. The house doesn't matter right now. The baby will be in with you for at least six months (mine were all at least one before they moved out into a room of their own).

First I lived in a one bed and she stayed in with us till we moved house after she was one.

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Lules · 07/05/2017 08:25

I think most people have that 'oh fuck it's actually happening' panic. Given what a major impact it will have on your life it will have that's not surprising. Only you know if it's more than that. You don't have any decisions immediately.

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JW13 · 07/05/2017 08:26

I agree with fairylea. Give yourself a few days to come to terms with it before you make a decision. I found out I was pregnant a week ago and for the first couple of days I felt very panicked! We were also actively TTC but it happened the first time properly trying so was a bit of a shock. I'm 34 and know the time is right, but I'm nervous about how my life will change (selfish I know!). As the week has passed, the panic is subsiding and I'm getting more excited, so it could just be the shock.

Be kind to yourself.

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SorrelSoup · 07/05/2017 08:27

It does sound like shock, and a lot of people want things to be perfect for having a baby, i.e. the big house with a nursery, full bank account etc. but that's not most people's reality and is completely unnecessary.

Obviously if you decide that you don't want to continue then that's your choice, but let it sink in a bit first. Also 9 months is a decent amount of time to get things in order.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

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SorrelSoup · 07/05/2017 08:33

Have you 2 threads on this?

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beekeeper17 · 07/05/2017 08:44

I'd say it's shock, you saw this happening further into the future, and it's a shock to have it happen now. Take some time to think about it. You'll be absolutely fine in your flat for now if that's your major concern.

I'm pregnant with number 2 and although we both made the decision not to actively prevent a pregnancy because I'm heading towards 40 and we knew we'd like 2 children, it happened much quicker than expected and there will only be a 13 month age gap between number 1 and 2! I was in shock when I found out, spent a couple of weeks crying and wishing I wasn't pregnant. But I know that you can't completely plan these things and if we'd left it 6 months or a year, I may have had difficulties getting pregnant.

Think about the reasons you were TTC in the first place and what your major concerns are now that you are pregnant, are they things that can be overcome? If you didn't have this baby, when would you ideally want to get pregnant? In 6 months or a year? If so, then 6 months or a year is no time at all and not much different to going ahead with things now. Would you regret it if you didn't have this baby and then had difficulties getting pregnant in the future.

I know that feeling of shock well (I always imagined I'd be ecstatic when I saw that BFP but it was the complete opposite), but I have got more excited about it as time has gone on. Good luck, you'll make the decision that's right for you.

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BeeMyBaby · 07/05/2017 08:46

I agree with others that it's possibly shock. I've had the same reaction when pregnant with all three of my DCs. But there is never a 'perfect' time.

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MakingBaconPancakes · 07/05/2017 08:49

Wow. Brings back memories.

Pretty much eveeyone feels like this when they have been ttc. And it's a shock that you feel like this. I think you may regret having an abortion as this is a longed for baby.

Also on the house thing, we were in a one bed. But can't you get a council house as you will be over crowded? Then buy that after a couple years then sell and then move?

We didn't do that, but i have heard of people doing it.

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Hotpinkangel19 · 07/05/2017 08:50

Isn't this in pregnancy choices? I think it may be better staying there. Unfair for women who are worried about miscarrying to read this op. Maybe move it there, sure there was a similar one in there x

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Lofari · 07/05/2017 08:50

Perfectly normal reaction of 'Oh fuckballs what have we done!'
I had this reaction with my first. He's 10 now and rather lovely if I do say so myself. Once the shock wears off you'll be grand OP.

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Thingymaboob · 07/05/2017 08:59

If you're in your 30s and in a healthy relationship I would go for it (keep baby, I mean). It sounds like you got really lucky getting a BFP so quickly and you might really really regret your decision in a few years time. It just sounds like you're overwhelmed. I feel the same.
Two very close friends of mine were not planning on having children and they both got pregnant accidentally. They were both in serious relationships. Neither of them were maternal at all and both considered abortions. Neither of them were ready but because they were in their 30s they both decided to stick with it and now they both love being parents and both want more children. They don't know each other. One lived in a very small one bed flat and they lived in that one bedroom flat for first 9 months of their DSs life before they found somewhere else. You don't need bags of room initially as baby will be with you.
Don't rush into anything.
Take a couple of weeks to let it sink in.
Also, it's very early days and nature might have different plans anyway.
Talk to your close friends about how you feel.

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whattheactualfudge · 07/05/2017 09:51

Thanks for deleting my comment MNHQ???? Was nothing but helpful??

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theclick · 07/05/2017 22:21

Hi OP, I feel and have felt exactly the same as you. I go from going along with it and believing I'll fall in love with the idea to telling DH I want an abortion. I had a similar thread in pregnancy choices that you may want to look at for people's advice (you'll need to ignore some posters though - I did). Wishing you all the best of luck xx

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Xanadu44 · 07/05/2017 22:31

I was in absolute shock when I found out I was pregnant (our first and I'm due next month) and we were trying. I properly freaked out, had a huge argument with my husband and wondered if we had done the right thing! I am mid-thirties. I was freaked out for a good few days and really had the wobbles but that wears off and you do become more excited (don't get me wrong I'm still terrified!) but everything that seems such a big deal at first gets easier to deal with such as houses and finances etc. The baby is with you the first 6 months anyway so no need for another bedroom for at least a year. I hope this helps x

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Oopsypoopsy · 07/05/2017 23:33

This is a really normal way to feel. I was 26 when we decided to try for a baby and it happened the second month of trying. By day 3 of finding out I felt like my DH was being really quiet with me and I was really scared he was unhappy about it and that made me question if we had done the right thing and I ended up in floods of tears. But that helped get it all out in the open, turned out he was a bit freaked out at how fast it had happened and he was also having stress at work.

I'm now on to pregnancy no3 and have never looked back, it's life changing but brilliant and honestly there is never a good time, there's always something else you want to do before kids but now we just do all the travelling etc with them and it's amazing.

I hope you do the best thing for you but really take your time to get your heads straight and don't do anything you'll regret. I mean either way just take your time and weigh it up properly. x

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SnapJack68 · 08/05/2017 00:59

I felt like that too. With both. If you were actively ttc this is probably just shock.

I have pco and was told my fertility may be low as not ovulating. With first I got pregnant straight away. Freaked right out for about 5 weeks thinking I had made a terrible mistake .

Then tried for over a year for the 2nd. Happy when found out but then freaked out for a couple of weeks.

You'll be ok. One bedroom flat means less running about and stairs to worry about. You obviously thought you could make things work with a baby when making decision to ttc and nothing about thay has changed? Just the reality sinking in and the fact that it's a big leap into the unknown .

Its great fun. Wouldnt change things for the world now and really probably wasn't ready when I got pregnant. . Was like you and started trying early due to fertility worries.

Give yourself some time.. talk to people about it if you can.

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owltrousers · 08/05/2017 10:11

I'd say let in sink in for a few days...

I was V shocked when I got my BFP and freaked out a little, we were trying but didn't expect to conceive so quickly. Now we've started planning everything I feel much better. Just give yourself a bit of time.

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adlertippa · 08/05/2017 17:55

Me and my DP were actively TTC, still when I tested positive I felt completely nauseous and overwhelmed for about 4 days. Be kind to yourself, talk it out with your DP, let things settle. There's no big rush to make a decision.

If it helps, once the news sunk in I felt deliriously happy, now 33 weeks and so impatient to meet the nipper x

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Pop24 · 08/05/2017 18:26

I felt the same with first pregnancy despite it being planned. Happened quickly, was in shock, just wanted not to be pg anymore. Abortion flashed through my mind. Couldn't believe I could feel this way but it's clearly quite common. I miscarried at 12 weeks and was then devastated in a typical 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone' kinda way. Made me realise how much I wanted a child despite pregnancy being freaky. Then took another 18 months of messed up cycle and (sort of) tic but happily I now have a 2yo who I adore and I adore being a mum even though our housing situation is a lot less than ideal. Still hated the pregnancy part though!! I think if you know you want children you should go for it. I'm not trying to freak anyone out by mentioning miscarriage but it's easy to be blazee about your fertility (I was) when you fall quick your first time trying and haven't experienced any problems or losses. There really is never a right time And I definitely would let things sink in for a good while before you make any major decisions. Good luck I hope things work out for the best for you.