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BFP but now so scared!

(49 Posts)
user1492515675 Tue 18-Apr-17 12:51:03


First time posting. Been TTC for three months and got a positive result yesterday. But instead of feeling happy I feel completely panicked and scared! I'm 39 so thought it would take ages to conceive and had begun to convince myself it wouldn't happen for me. So I should feel ecstatic! But I'm tearful and am thinking I have made an awful mistake. I feel so overwhelmed. I'm too old to do this. Please help x

october17baby Tue 18-Apr-17 13:03:12

Hey huni xxx
Don't worry that is perfectly normal
To feel like that! I had it a bit different I'm only 25 so had the oh shit I'm ruining the rest of my life thing xx however I am now 4 months pregnant and couldn't be happier about it. It wouldn't make sense not to feel like that, it's such a big change and experience your going to feel a bit like shit what have I done xx have you got a good support network ? Also the first pregnancy hormones actually make you feel "weird" and have a weird sense of somthing isn't right. This is actually how I knew I was pregnant before doing he test! You can do this woman we are so strong don't under estimate yourself! How far gone are you do you know ? Xxxx and a huge congrats xxxx

TeaTeaTea Tue 18-Apr-17 13:04:25

Aww, you've been TTC so it's obviously something you wanted. Forgive me if I'm wrong but sounds as if you'd maybe convinced yourself (due to age - not that old - and time) that it wasn't going to happen. So now that it has it's a bit of a shock.
My first positive with my DS I sat on side of the bath and got the shakes! 2nd DC I shamelessly admit to thinking 'good, I can get on with my week now' (very much wanted 2nd child but the not knowing/waiting was taking over me!) so reactions are all different.

I'd give it time to sink it, talk about it with your OH and see how you feel in a few days. But if this is the positive news you've truely been wanting then many congratulations and happy health to you x

arbrighton Tue 18-Apr-17 13:07:51

I'm now 29 weeks with first and still a bit 'oh shit, this isn't really happening'

And terrified. Of birth. Of being a crap mother. Of PND. Of effect on marriage

INeedNewShoes Tue 18-Apr-17 13:08:13

Don't panic. Your hormones will be all over the place dealing with the changes in hormones balance brought on by the BFP. Also, I think most women do have wobbles at various different points in pregnancy and worries about coping, not wanting to give up current lifestyle of freedom etc.

My guess would be that as you have time to get used to the idea you'll start feeling more positive!

Congratulations smile

snowfee Tue 18-Apr-17 13:23:09

I'm so glad I've seen this post as it reassures me that my feelings are not just me being weird. I haven't had my BFP yet and have been TTC for 3mths, I've already convinced myself I won't be able to conceive due to a number of reasons (all very silly and unreasonable reasons but that's how my head works). Every month when I'm getting to AF I start to get really anxious, what if it did work this month? I'm going to have a holy shit, things are actually working out for us moment! But then when AF comes I get really down and feel inadequate that I can't do what bodies are designed to do.
It's a vicious circle that I'm spiraling around so it's good to see others have some similar thoughts to me about some things.
Huge congrats on your result and hope the joyful news settles in soon for you xxx

user1492515675 Tue 18-Apr-17 13:27:39

Thank you all SO MUCH! All your lovely replies have made me cry even more!

October17baby - think I'm only about 4 weeks. And I was hoping it might be hormones but didn't know if I could really blame them. I do have a close family but agreed with my OH not to tell anyone yet which I'm finding so hard.

I think part of me thinks so people will think I am too old for a baby (including my mum?). That worries me a bit.

Also my OH already has a son so he is so much more chilled out about it. He even said he's support me if we decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy. I just wish I felt happier. I am worried about stupid things like the hoilday we have already booked, and the fact the spare room is too small and even that it will upset the cat!!

Does anyone know of anyone I can talk to? I've made a doctors appointment but not until next week. Or did anyone tell their friends early on? I'd really like to talk to one of my friends but promised OH I wouldn't.

INeedNewShoes Tue 18-Apr-17 13:32:22

I told one or two close friends before my 12-week scan but very much so that I could chat things through with them rather than it being a big 'announcement'. I think if there's a particular friend whose support would be useful at the moment then just say to your OH that you understand him not wanting to make announcements at this stage but that you intend to confide in this one friend. Then ensure she keeps it to herself!

Crapuccino Tue 18-Apr-17 13:34:30

Oh goodness OP - flowers. That first reaction can be such a shock. Deep breaths. When I first showed my DH the positive test after he'd spent nearly fifteen years badgering to have babies, he sat down on the bed, went pasty white, and I thought I was going to have to make him a very strong cup of tea to keep him conscious. He had at least a week or so of deep horror. I believe his first words were something like, "Oh god what have we done..."

You are absolutely not compelled to feel ecstatic or elated or delighted in those first days (nor in fact at any point during your pregnancy) and the fact that you are now seeing the enormity of the decision is actually a blessing. Some people don't hit that "wall" until a newborn baby is plopped into their arms. So, take your time. Adjust to the feelings. You have a good nine months to figure out each challenge and question as it presents itself If you're one of those people for whom planning is soothing, then set yourself a nice long list of things to plan and deadlines to achieve them by. If this will totally flap you, then sit back for a bit and let your brain have its panic. Most of all, don't be afraid to confide in people that this has come as more of a shock than a surprise (if that makes sense). You might be amazed at how many people out there can relate.

Take your time, OP. And you are NOT too old. I'm very close to your age and having twins, so if you're too old, I'm absolutely buggered.

OuchBollocks Tue 18-Apr-17 13:39:11

It took me 18 months to get pregnant with DC2 and I still went "oh shit, what have I done?" It's normal, and now he's here it's like he was always here.

Do talk to your friends, I know you said you wouldn't but this is your pregnancy, it is happening to you in a way your OH won't be able to understand and ultimately any decisions pertaining to it are yours. Also if the anxiety begins to get on top of you, do please let your midwife or GP know.

user1492515675 Tue 18-Apr-17 13:52:41

Thank you so much again! Just knowing there are other people out there who have experienced a similiar thing is helping loads!

I think I will talk to one of my friends as I think it'll help me. I would always tell my mum or sister everything and it feels wrong keeping it fro them but I think it is the right thing to do for now.

Did anyone else feel that life with a baby would mean all the good things in their current life would be no more? I think I a scared that I won't be happy, which I know sounds so selfish!

Any calming down tips as I can't cope with much more crying and shaking!! xx

Crapuccino Tue 18-Apr-17 13:58:35

Did anyone else feel that life with a baby would mean all the good things in their current life would be no more?

Honestly, I think if anyone didn't think this at least once in their pregnancy then I'd wonder what illusion they were labouring under. My first thoughts, after the general astonishment, were "Awwwww fuck... my lie-ins." And then "Awwwww fuck... our fancy dinners." And then "Awwwww fuck... holidays."

And then you start to think of what will replace those things. Tiny baby cuddles. A little hand holding yours. The first time your baby says "I love you mummy". Yes, things are going to change, but for what you lose, you also gain, and that change isn't forever anyway. There does come a time when you can sleep in again, and go on holiday again, and go to nice restaurants again. Your family solar system just gradually reshapes itself so that at the centre is a little irreplaceable person that lights everything up with a different complexion. Adjusting to that is slow and clumsy, but you'll get there.

ButteredCrumpetNow Tue 18-Apr-17 14:00:49

Its very common to feel like this, I was 40 when I had my last if that helps smile

Funnyonion17 Tue 18-Apr-17 14:03:51

It's pretty normal to have that reaction. It feels so final and scary when it happens. You have plenty of time to get your head around it. I would say it's pretty normal even towards the end to be scared. I'm 35 weeks and having bouts of what have i done ha. Don't beat yourself up for bring up and down, just go with the flow it will be much easier that way.

october17baby Tue 18-Apr-17 14:09:30

Hey Hun me again

Honestly try not to best yourself up! I cried my fking eyes out when I saw pregnant on that test! I didn't even give it a chance to register how many weeks I was! (Clear blue digital) before running to my boyfriend and ramming it into his face screaming what the hell have we done my life is over! Luckily
He was much more calm relaxed! And simply said women have been doing this for thousands of years and will continue too for the rest of time. However that still didn't stop me from crying contemplating having a termination and crying some more I worried about everything you have too but you know what as long as a baby is clean fed and loved that is all that matters and that is how you become the best parent you can be xx don't listen to anyone who says your too old my friend has just gone into labour aged 45! And she's a wicked mum! This is your moment and your opportunity to be a mummy and you won't regret it xxx tell people to keep their opinions too themselves if you have to Hun it's your body if you wanted to get a tattoo across your forehead you could! And in all honesty any woman who says they didn't feel some sort of worry/regret about seeing those two lines is a big fat liar and your better off without that in your life xxx p.s if you get s clear blue digital it will give you a rough idea on how far gone you are xx

user1492515675 Tue 18-Apr-17 14:13:18

Thanks all.

ButteredCrumpetNow - did you feel 'judged' at all because of your age? Or did you ever feel too old?

OrlandoTheCat Tue 18-Apr-17 14:19:26

I know exactly how you feel.

When I first got pregnant with DH (then fiance), I cried hysterically and panicked so much (I think I actually hyperventilated) that I had an abortion! This is despite having always wanted children for as long as I could remember.

2 weeks after the abortion, I regretted what I'd done and wanted to be pregnant again straight away.

OrlandoTheCat Tue 18-Apr-17 14:22:46

I did get pregnant very soon after, and again contemplated an abortion. Go figure. hmm
I think the only thing that stopped me having an abortion the second time was the realisation that it was no way to carry on and if I did have an abortion again, I could NEVER EVER allow myself to get pregnant ever again and I would definitively never have children.

bingandabong Tue 18-Apr-17 14:26:22

Two and half years tryin to conceive DS and when I got the BFP I remember crying,shaking and thinking oh shit, and was constantly brewer scared and excited. I still look at him now and think Holy crap his mine followed by a rush of love like my heart will burst! smile

bingandabong Tue 18-Apr-17 14:26:55

Between not brewer grin

ButteredCrumpetNow Tue 18-Apr-17 14:28:28

At first, but as my pregnancy progressed I didn't care what others thought smile

ButteredCrumpetNow Tue 18-Apr-17 14:29:29

I never felt too old, there were women older than me at my anti natal appointments.

user1492515675 Tue 18-Apr-17 14:40:13

Thank you all. Beginning to feel a bit calmer. Did you all keep it secret until first scan was done?

waterjungle Tue 18-Apr-17 14:40:39

I tried for nearly 3.5 years. When I got BFP at 37 I had a full on meltdown. I remember saying to my sister - "I just want it to stop until I get my head around it".

I had the awful feeling of - what if it ruins everything, my marriage, my job, my body, my mental health, my future? What if I'm such a terrible mother I ruin some soon-to-be new persons life too?

I made an emergency Dr's appointment. I had seen him 2 days before all smiles announcing I was pregnant and by the time I got saw him the second time I was gripping the table in terror hardly able to stand. All he could say was - what the hell has happened to you?

After a rocky few weeks where I was so ill I ended up in hospital with HG, then I had a full on panic attack in the hospital ward. The first time I had a scan at 7 weeks (early as they expected an ectopic pregnancy) I kept thinking - make sure you act like a normal person, whatever you do don't have a panic attack.........cue full on panic attack and vomiting.

At the 12 week scan I though whatever you do don't act like you did last time....another panic attack.

I am now sitting here with an gorgeous 10 month old boy snoring next to me. I have never been happier.

It is a MASSIVE thing to get your head around. I think half of it is knowing there is no going back. This person exists now and however the pregnancy progresses it is going to irrevocably change you.

People are very quick to joke about how hard it is, I found there were far fewer who tell you how wonderful it is.....and it really is.

Be kind to yourself, don't underestimate how much your hormones are screwing with you. This panic is normal as someone said up the thread earlier it's a good thing, you are already grasping the reality a lot earlier than some. I'm sure this is the start of a whole new exciting chapter of your life xxx

ButteredCrumpetNow Tue 18-Apr-17 14:48:51

I think you'll find there are plenty of mother's on here who had children older than you are, 39 really isn't that old today smile

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