Advanced search

Pregnant? See how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy with the Mumsnet Pregnancy Calendar.

Insensitive husband

(28 Posts)
Dixiechick1991 Tue 11-Apr-17 18:12:14

I can't deal anymore.
I'm fed up of the guilt tripping "you should be exercising - it's not just about you anymore - you can't be selfish"

I'm a f*ing size 10. I haven't even gained any weight. I'm 19 weeks pregnant. I'm exhausted.

But in his head everyone suddenly gets their energy back at 12 weeks and I'm a massive liar.

Tonight's another night where I was clearly working and he's stormed out to the gym leaving me sobbing into a pillow because he's guilt tripped me and told me I'm lazy.

I can't stand it.

Sorry for the vent. I just wondered if anyone else had a partner who just didn't stop even when it was clear you were upset.

kittybiscuits Tue 11-Apr-17 18:15:24

That sounds really tough. Howlong have you been together? Is he usually a selfish, insensitive pig?

Dixiechick1991 Tue 11-Apr-17 18:18:26

We've been together 10 years and nope not usually this bad or maybe I just laugh it off and now my hormones make me react differently.
He's on a massive health kick so I'm getting it in the neck. He weighs himself every night then goes to the gym in a huff when I say I'm not.
I don't just sit on my bum cramming chocolate bars in my mouth all day but I may as well do

Sunshinegirl82 Tue 11-Apr-17 18:23:51

Would he listen to your midwife? Can you speak to her about this? Perhaps she could explain for you and it would take it on board from a professional?

He doesn't sound supportive and to be honest his views on food and exercise sound like they are bordering on the obsessive. Does he have some sort of food or body issues?

I think you are going to have to tell him to back off and leave you alone. He's said his piece, you disagree, it's still your body and he's not to mention it again.

This must be really hard. Do you have any real life support?

CherriesInTheSnow Tue 11-Apr-17 18:27:12

That's a disgusting way to treat your partner, pregnant or not - and especially bad if you are pregnant shock

I am 10 weeks and am lying in bed waiting for dinner, because OH wants to look after me as much as possible. That is the normal attitude to your partner being pregnant, not trying to force them to go out and exercise angry

It's not your hormones making you overly sensitive. He is being an almighty prick. Show him this thread!

Dixiechick1991 Tue 11-Apr-17 18:27:59

He's always telling me he feels fat and he's got a belly. Then ten minutes after a meal he'll be snacking on a bag of crisps or a pack of biscuits. So I've started saying "are you actually hungry" of course he gets annoyed at that - so just subtly trying to let him know how I feel when he's trying to guilt trip me.

I can't really speak to midwife because he doesn't come to midwife appointments anyway it's too hard to get it off work

CherriesInTheSnow Tue 11-Apr-17 18:28:47

And also if you are a size 10, i.e. not overweight, you should have gained some weight by 19 weeks sad is he pressuring you to make sure you don't gain?

Hollyhop17 Tue 11-Apr-17 18:29:00

Jesus, I dont even know how to respond to this. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You definitely should not put up with him putting this pressure on you. Pregnancy is different for everyone so it doesnt magically get better at 12 weeks. I have HG so at 26 weeks am still pretty housebound. You need to let him know this behaviour is not ok and you need support not a bloody lecture on your fitness regime. Good luck.

kittybiscuits Tue 11-Apr-17 18:29:57

I agree he sounds very obsessive and blinkered. I think it's a good suggestion to talk to your midwife. She may put him straight on a few matters but also maybe the GP needs to know that his behaviour is a concern.

Sunshinegirl82 Tue 11-Apr-17 18:31:04

Do you think you can tell him just to drop it? Tell him he's making you feel like shit and you want him to stop? Scoffing crisps and biscuits on the sofa whilst telling your pregnant wife to get to the gym is pretty shitty. I'd be having some pretty strong words.

DPotter Tue 11-Apr-17 18:32:27

Oh no he's read the book ...
I can just about remember the complete exhaustion from the first trimester which for me extended t about 20 weeks- I was so drained. It was almost worse than the sleep deprivation once my DD was born! You have my sympathy. To this day I don't know how I would have coped with a small child plus another pregnancy, as I could barely put one foot in front of the other.
Would he come along to your next ante natal appointment and get the talk from the Midwife about being supportive, every Mum to be is different etc? Personally I'd tell him to shut the fuck up, especially as your post hints that he has form for being an arse. Can you recruit MIL, your Mum, sisters etc to tell him to shut up and back off?

Hellmouth Tue 11-Apr-17 18:34:16

I personally would just tell him to fuck off. No explanations or anything needed. He doesn't have the right to speak to you like that, even if you were not pregnant or just being lazy!

Dixiechick1991 Tue 11-Apr-17 18:34:47

I might have to. I'll mention it to my midwife next time that I'm still very tired and see if there anything going on there.
It's just so up and down.
Last night he was crying at one born every minute on catch up and saying he's so excited. Today he's slamming doors and shouting because I'm not going to the gym.
I don't know whether he's stressed about the baby but I've not known him be like this.

He was on antidepressants and now he's pretty much stopped taking them so I've no idea if that's anything to do with mood swings (all aimed st me!)

peaceloveandbiscuits Tue 11-Apr-17 18:39:32

What a dick. Pregnancy isn't an illness, but it sure can make you feel ill.

Chillyegg Tue 11-Apr-17 18:40:32

He sounds like a prize cock. What does he want for you to be bench pressing weights and all that palaver. If your tired your tirex. If you dont feel well you dont feel well. Tell him to grow a human in his body and be fucking going to the gym. Also say he goes to the gp or you leave he clearly needs his ad

dinobum Tue 11-Apr-17 18:59:20

I got my husband this which helped with expectations

The Expectant Dad's Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know

Seems like he's projecting his own failures on to you though.

leanandgreen Tue 11-Apr-17 19:27:57

Ahhhh I have a similar one OP but mine is about food. I feel so exhausted all of the time and I'm still coming to terms with being pregnant and I feel like I can't eat anything that isn't a fruit or a vegetable. And this goes for when I'm feeling like c***.
I was so tired the other day, I asked him to make me tomato soup and you would assume that he would happily do this but no, he kicked up a major fuss. I can't win and like you, with being pregnant, I am just loosing it and I put him in his place so there have been manyarguments.

I don't understand him sometimes. It's scary to think that they're like this now, what will they be like when baby arrives?

kittybiscuits Tue 11-Apr-17 19:31:04

You have to think long and hard about how much time you will give them to shape up. You do not want to be dealing with this shit with a newborn. I would think in terms of reading the riot act and setting a time frame for moving out if there isn't a huge shift.

haveacupoftea Tue 11-Apr-17 19:58:30

Tell him in no uncertain terms it is YOUR body YOU decide what to put into it and trying to control what you eat and when you exercise is domestic abuse and you will not be putting up with it anymore.

Obsidian77 Tue 11-Apr-17 20:04:39

Pregnancy can be a trigger for abuse in a relationship. Please speak to your GP and/or midwife and let them know the situation.
I would be very concerned that you haven't put on weight and also that he's speaking to you in such a way. He should be listening to you and helping you. Calling you a liar is completely unacceptable.
It's absolutely normal to feel exhausted.

Bluntness100 Tue 11-Apr-17 20:13:11

Honestly, I'm daily shocked the things some women put up with, then cry into their pillows, I'm very genuine when I say my husband would have pulled that shit once and been left in no doubt if he didn't get hisself and his attitude sorted it would be over.

When he gets back tell him whichever issues he is going through in regards to his body image he can fuck right off with his taking it out on you, and if he pulls that again he can get out and live on his own. You don't have it impacting you and you won't have him bringing those issues to your child as they grow up.

Why do you cry and not get angry? I don't understand. My default is not to sit and cry, it's to lose my shit and stop any of that crap in its tracks. And to be fair, my approach works, because I'm not the one getting repeated abuse and I've been with him 27 years.

Sparklyuggs Tue 11-Apr-17 20:15:55

Just a thought, but do you think he's projecting his issues around food/weight onto you? My DH made a few 'should you be eating that' comments to me, and when we actually discussed it, he was worried about his own diet and being a healthy Dad. His behaviour does sound unreasonable, and within a history of depression he needs to see a doctor soon to discuss this.

confusedat23 Tue 11-Apr-17 21:15:23

My DH sounds like yours Sparky tbh i'm not eating that great at the moment but i'm pregnant and thats just the way it is..

When he did it the 3rd time i told him how bloody lucky he was i've not been like others who can't eat at all or some women on here who say they live off chocolate and crisps for the first 3-4 months!

Its funny he hasn't mentioned food since lol

MrsBobDylan Tue 11-Apr-17 22:58:07

The mood swings are very worrying op. He needs to be on anti depressants as his behaviour is emotionally abusive and irrational. I would worry about bringing a baby into a home where one person was displaying unpredictable and bullying behaviour.

Just a thought, if this behaviour is out of character, could he be taking steroids?

Either way, is there anywhere else you could go to have a break for a bit and think through what you want to do about it?

FABpMummy Wed 12-Apr-17 00:00:27

He sounds like an arsehole.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: