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First Pregnancy & Terrified...considering abortion?

(9 Posts)
user1491914349 Tue 11-Apr-17 13:45:10

Good morning - first time poster here. I am just looking for some advice. My husband and I have just found out we are expecting. This was completely unplanned. We had made the decision we didnt want kids. My husband has a son, who we get regular access to, whom I adore. We are newly married, and really content in our life. This has totally floored us and we just dont know what to do. We are both scared, confused, and basically unhappy. I dont want this being a negative experience and it is making me look into not having the baby but I dont know if morally I could do such a thing. My husband said he will support me whatever I decide, I think he would be happier if I chose this option, but I am also sure he would be happy once the baby is here as he is a fantastic dad to his son. Can anyone advise if they have had similar experiences and does it pass?

shakeyospeare Tue 11-Apr-17 13:57:13

What do you want? Forget about your husband and what will make him happier, it's your body, your life, your choice.

Unplanned pregnancies can be a huge shock and it's really easy to view it as the end of the world - but you'll get through this, whatever you decide.

FunkyChunkyCherub Tue 11-Apr-17 14:04:36

I considered abortion when I found out I was pregnant in November - still at uni, early twenties, only been with my partner a year. But I couldn't go through with it. I was terrified and not in a great position to have a baby with being in my final year of uni.
I'm now six months pregnant and couldn't be happier about it.

Your body, your choice. Just take your time making the decision smile do what's best for you and your happiness. X

user1491914349 Tue 11-Apr-17 14:41:15

Thank you . I guess I just wanted to know its normal not to be jumping about for joy waving the postivie pregnancy stick!! I just think we are being really selfish, I am in my late 30s, and hubby 40, so we are not exactly spring chickens which is another issue. We are just so stuck in our ways. I am hoping it is just initial shock and we will get more excited as pregnancy progresses. In all honesty I dont think I could go through with abortion. I think in my head I have made the decision, to keep going, and hoping for the best I just wanted some reassurance I am not alone in the initial feeling x

Lemondrop09 Tue 11-Apr-17 15:55:58

To be honest, even when someone is actively trying to get pregnancy, it can comes as a real shock. Maybe it happens on the first cycle they try, and they think "woah, didn't think it would happen so fast, it's too soon!". Maybe they've been trying for ages and when it happens, they are too scared to believe it's really.

You've got the double whammy of total shock as you weren't trying and the previous decision not to have children. I'm not surprised you're reeling.

But not to be bouncing around with joy it TOTALLY normal and you are 100% allowed to feel like that. Don't guilt trip yourself for reacting this way.

I would say, try not to rush the decision. You have some time to think this through. You need to think about the pros and cons of having this child in your life, how you might cope with an abortion (even if it's the right decision, it will affect you and will always be something you'll remember) etc. Also consider that this may be your only chance to have a child together, and even if you decide to abort now, this experience may change your feeling on the matter going forward. Could you live with it if you abort, then realise you want a child and then can't get pregnant? I'm just bringing up things to think about, I'm not trying to sway you either way.

While your husband's views do matter (it's his child too), it's helpful he's being supportive - although it may feel the pressure of the decision is being lumped on you? To be fair, you are the person who will need to carry this baby and give birth to it, so it needs to be something you want to do.

It's a tough choice, but I'd really suggest just letting the shock sink in and not rushing a decision. There may even be charities with support workers you can discuss your options with?

Good luck, whatever you decide.

LokisSister Tue 11-Apr-17 16:07:01

I was in a similar situation. I'm late 30's, DP is 40, both have 2 teens each from previous marriages. Was only together a short time before contraceptive failure. I'm now 33 weeks, I knew I wouldn't have coped with a termination mentally but I still have days/weeks where I'm wondering if I've made the right decision and i guess I'll never know if I have, but I'm making the best of it. DP is supportive, even though deep down I have a niggly feeling he would have gone the other way if it was his body.

Happy to chat if you want to send a pm.

user1491914349 Tue 11-Apr-17 16:36:28

Thank you to you both for your kind responses, so reassuring to know I am not alone. I just feel so guilty for not being happy. I have the midwife tomorrow so will have a chat through options and get some advice.
Thank you once again.

shakeyospeare Tue 11-Apr-17 17:47:58

OP, having a baby is a huge life changing event - it's no surprise that it's left you feeling the way you have, especially when it's an unplanned 'surprise!' pregnancy.

What I meant earlier was not to ignore your husband, but to think about what you want - don't let the initial shock make you think this is the end of the world. If he's supportive of whatever your decision is, you have that space to get your head around your news.

FWIW, when I found out I was pregnant, not that long ago, the first thing I did after seeing that positive test was to call BPAS. I will never admit that out loud, but the pure panic of my situation took over. Once I'd downed half a bottle of Rescue Remedy and had countless cups of tea and rushed to the GP to confirm it definitely was a pregnancy and not some strange side effect from a kidney infection (a kidney infection that I didn't actually have), I came home and told DP and burst into tears. Timing, finances, space, more lifestyle changes, they can all be managed.

I'm about 8 weeks now and whilst I'm still not as giddy with joy as I was with my previous babies, I'm a lot more chilled and as each week passes I feel better and more positive. It takes time. Be kind to yourself, take each day as it comes, and don't feel guilty.

Definitely speak to your midwife about your worries/concerns flowers

user1491914349 Tue 11-Apr-17 19:28:09

Thank you everyone for being honest. I never realised shock made you feel so negative. My husband is probably moreso than me i would love have a crystal ball to see us few month from now see if we were happy and excited. Reassuring to know this is normal x

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