Prenatal Depression

[feelingblue123]

Looking for some advice. I'm 13 weeks into a unplanned pregnancy, first baby for me, third for my partner. I have had a scan and baby is happy and healthy, however throughout my pregnancy I have been depressed, tired and generally blue. I can't get excited or even happy about the baby despite trying to put on a front for family and friends. I have considered a termination many times.

Background is that I'm 33, was married and wanted to have children before the marriage, then after the marriage my husband decided it wasn't what he wanted. This was very hurtful as he said we needed to be married to have children, so I married him on this basis as I wasn't too bothered about being married or not, a committed relationship with babies was enough for me.

We divorced and then I met my current partner who truthfully said he didn't want more children (he has two) and he joined the year long waiting list for the snip. I can't have any hormonal contraception and tried and failed at the copper coil so we used the rhythm method really reliably for 16 months until January when I accidentally got my dates wrong. Morning after pill failed.

I think I'm too late for an abortion now, so can anyone that has suffered PreND give me any hints, tips or practical advice for combating this and learning to bond with my baby and trying to be able to smile about the pregnancy. I don't know any other pregnant people or people with babies and I have no idea what to expect. DP has told me all of the negative things so I need to balance this with some positives. I have been a mental mess for 3 months now and its really dragging me down. Its harder now as lots of people are congratulating us on the pregnancy and I struggle to know what to say to them. DP says he will support me if I choose to keep the baby or abort.

I have also been made homeless during this pregnancy (we have somewhere to go but its been very stressful) and have managed a major contract in the business that I run jointly with my partner, both have taken their toll on us.

Any advice would be great as PreND seems to be a bit of a taboo subject, I can't find much online.

[Blueroses99]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Pre-natal depression isn't uncommon but as you have found, not really talked about.

First of all, it is not too late to have an abortion if that is what you want. I would advise speaking to your GP or one of the relevant charities- they may talk you through the options and speaking to them may help you decide what's best for you.

Secondly most maternity units can refer you a mental health team to discuss this further. Mine have backed off as I already have regular counselling but I know that they are there.

Once you've acknowledged that there is an issue, it is much easier to reach out and get help.

[LurkyMcLurcker]

I have suffered from this in both my pregnancy, first was accidental pregnancy, second was much much longed for - made no difference to how ill I became.

Second pregnancy I was more prepared and asked to be put on fluoxitine after 14weeks which helped. I also had a number of additional consultant appointments to monitor my mood and how I was coping.

With both babies, the depression vanished about 1 minute after delivery. I actually felt it lift and vanish, it was extremely peculiar. I bonded more quickly with my second as I was more prepared and knew what was happening, but I bonded well with both DCs.

I told my GP how I felt with my second, explained I was praying every day for a miscarriage even though I knew I had longed and longed for this baby... she was understanding and they got me sorted with some medication,

It happens to up to 10% of women, it is NORMAL and you shouldn't feel bad. sending you some unmunnetty hugs, xx

[LostInMess]

Speak to your midwife or, if you haven't met her yet, your GP. I have only just realised how badly I suffered with pre-ND and anxiety in at least two of my four pregnancies and am really annoyed that I and no one else realised. You have done brilliantly to spot it and think about what you can do to get assistance - I know others near to me who have managed to do so and it has made a massive difference.

I think some wobbles are perfectly normal in a first pregnancy, I often think those people who don't have them don't always have a realistic view - I was very aware of the downsides with my first and then pleasantly surprised at all the upsides once DC1 turned up, despite it not being plain sailing. But I would get to your GP asap or MW if you can - they might also be able to help you come to a decision re your pg.

All good luck to you - you sound very strong for seeking help.

[Obsidian77]

Hi op you might find you feel a bit better when you enter the second trimester. Pregnancy hormones are very powerful and if you're unsure about the pregnancy they just seem to magnify your feelings.
If you do decide to continue the pregnancy, please contact your GP and tell them you are depressed and struggling, hopefully they can arrange for you to have some support from a community midwife.
I found myself very depressed during pregnancy but I have 3 DCs (don't ask ) and in each case found that the depression seemed to lift a bit after the birth then progressively as the baby got older and the pregnancy hormones left my body.
I agree that people don't really talk about ante-natal depression, if you say you're depressed people will pile in to tell you how lucky you are to be pregnant, which I can respect to an extent but it doesn't help you feel any better.
Best wishes. Keep reaching out for support on MN, there are always people here who will understand how you feel.

[phondents]

Sorry to hear you are finding things difficult.
I am in my second trimester and have also experienced low mood and negative thoughts since the beginning.
Do you have anyone in your life you can confide in? I kept everything to myself until things became unbearable for me a few weeks back. Since then I've been more open with friends and family about how I am feeling and I really think it's helped, the hardest for me was admitting I need some help.
I would recommend speaking to your doctor as soon as you can, there can be a quite a wait for access to counselling and still 7 weeks on i am still waiting for mine to start.
I have also found pregnancy yoga has helped me to connect with the baby and what's going on with my body.

[feelingblue123]

Thank you all, i really appreciate ypur comments.

Strangely I'm quite looking forward to the birth and would love a waterbirth. Taking a baby home afterwards is the bit I'm struggling with.

Midwife says everything is great with my PG so far so I'm thinking midwife led unit.

If i speak about my issues will that make me higher risk and destroy my chances? I dont think i want to abort, not sure i could handle it mentally.

[Hollyhop17]

Really sorry to hear this. I suffer from a mh condition which has been exacerbated by having HG and in general a very difficult pregnancy so far. If you decide to keep it, and I dont think you are too far for a termination, you might want to find out the sex. I was convinced I was having a girl and was actually, surprisingly, upset when I found out it was a boy. However, we have named him, I talk to him all the time and have got him some clothes, toys. I have found it has helped with the bonding. This wont be for everyone, but has really helped me.

I agree you should speak to your midwife asap. She should be able to refer you to some services. I really hope you feel better soon and make a decision that is right for you X

[Rya2710]

Sorry to jump on your thread but I'm so glad to see other people who just get it. I'm 38 weeks and feel completely hopeless. I moved as my partner got a new job and we've decided that for now I'll stay at home with the baby. I have no friends anymore, my car had to be scrapped so I have no way of going out anywhere, I don't leave the house and he works 12 hour shifts so I'm on my own all day everyday as he works a lot and I'm feeling really down. The baby wasn't planned (failed morning after pill) and I've struggled all the way through to feel connected to her. Some days I'm so excited to meet her I could burst and then other days I spend the whole day crying in bed or just staring into space. I'm scared to talk to my midwife incase she thinks that im going to be a terrible mum, I love the baby so much and I honestly can't wait to meet her but I can't shift this feeling of being miserable. Sorry to rant on but could really do with some comforting words or just someone to talk to:-( xxxx

[Blueroses99]

Feelingblue as your issues don't relate specifically to childbirth, its unlikely to impact you attending the midwife led unit. It's a really brave thing to seek help and it won't be held against you.

Rya you've gone through so much in a short space of time, no wonder you are feeling low. Please do speak to the midwives, you may find it helps just to let it out and they will not judge you but can offer types of support that you can access locally. On a practical level, would you be able to get out and about with the baby? Feeling isolated could contribute to PND so anything that you can do (walking, new car, baby groups) to reduce isolation may be s good idea? Also, does your partner know how you are feeling? Sometimes it helps just to share. I am in bedrest due to pregnancy complications so I get a lot of what you are saying xx

[elsiemarleysellsthebarley]

I'd echo comments above about getting onto the GP as soon as possible. Also would be worth speaking to midwife. I had some general talking therapy, you may be able to self refer, Google the mental health team in your area. Although to be honest it didn't help me much, other than giving me something to focus on, but the women's health psychologist the midwife referred me to the first time was better. I really wish I'd pushed for medication.

Also found knowing the sex helped in a way - made the baby a human and not an alien!

I sort of knew throughout the preganancies that I wouldn't bond immediately with the babies but had a sense that that was ok. Don't know where it came from! With #1 it was about a month before I'd have kept him if you'd offered To swap him for our recently dead dog (!) and about 6 months before I was pleased to have him! It was a lot quicker with DC2 as I knew what to expect. It doesn't matter if you don't get that 'love Rush' you read about.

Positives - it great seeing them learn things, lovely when they interact. I'm not really a baby person but playing the long game - up now as DC2 (18 months) has a cold and listening to her over the monitor 'read' books to herself is very cute. I've made friends through all the baby groups I forced myself to in the early days. I found NCT helpful too.

Good luck, it's a horrendous illness and not talked about enough. Oh, one more thing, I was also very sick and had support from a hyperemesis charity - regular texts from a volunteer which kept me going.

[FairyDogMother11]

Someone close to me suffered really badly in her pregnancies with her two boys. She was in a horrible place and her partner gave her no support. She had a horrible time during the pregnancy but was absolutely fine after the babies were born and she is a fantastic mum so all I can say is if you want to carry on with the pregnancy make sure you are well supported and definitely speak to your GP. You're doing fantastic!

[feelingblue123]

Hey rya if you want to chat I'd love to. Maybe we can help each other.

Thank you all for your support and advice. I called my midwife this morning, left a message so hopefully she will call back later.

Feeling a little brighter today.

[Verbena37]

Hi OP,
I had prenatal depression with my first dd and then went on to have PND after having her. At no point did I ever regret being pregnant and she was planned so not the same as your circumstances.

However, I put the trigger for the prenatal depression down to leaving work and feeling as though I had nothing left for me.
I'm pretty sure it was the hormones and I did start eating Brazil nuts and apricots to help things naturally but they weren't enough.

I really think that had I got help before the birth, I wouldn't have had PND afterwards.

Your partner is being supportive, even though he was going to have a vasectomy, which is good. When things happen that aren't planned, those of us who like to plan our lives can find things hard to cope with but it doesn't mean it will stay like that forever.

Some mums don't have those natural maternal feelings you assume you should be having until after they're baby is born. But if you decide you'd rather have an abortion, don't let the feelings of others, who already know your pregnancy news, sway your decision. It's for you alone to make and your partner will support you whatever you choose.

[Rya2710]

Thank you for being so kind Blueroses99, I've struggled the whole time, when we first found out about the baby my partner kind of freaked out and didn't want to keep it, I told him I was keeping it with or without him and he soon apologised and is now ridiculously excited. But from then I felt kind of wrong for wanting to keep her because he was so against it, I also have always been very sporty and probably a bit obsessive over keeping my body in shape so have found it very difficult watching my body change and feel quite anxious leaving the house because I'm scared people think I look horrible. I then was in hospital non stop for most of the first and second trimester for HG. The HG really made me really lose myself as I dreaded waking up because I knew I had a day of being sick non stop. I just feel like I never get a break from feeling crappy. I spoke to my partner this morning and he's insured me on his car so that I can get out and about which I'm hoping will help. He tries to be supportive but keeps asking "what have I done wrong" and I can't seem to explain that it's not him. He also made a comment and said "I'd love to sit at home all day" but I don't think he realises how isolating it is, I've always worked and really can't adjust to being out of work:-( I'd love that feelingblue123, I'll send you a message:-)

[feelingblue123]

So i plucked up all the courage I have and called the midwife. She was amazing. I have a Drs appointment this afternoon and sges calling me again tomorrow to make sure I'm ok. She told me I am far from useless and that its really good that I called.

I feel brighter already. No where near normal, but I don't feel alone anymore. Thank you all for saying I should do this.

rya xx

[Blueroses99]

Feelingblue the first step can be the hardest so well done for reaching out. It does get easier.

Rya great that you've spoken to your partner and got the car sorted, all these things can help. Please consider reaching out for some counselling or support too. Staying home all day is SO hard! People just don't get it though. As I'm on bedrest, I have family around me effectively babysitting me!

[Angelreid14]

Hi Rya I am 31 weeks with my baby, also unplanned due to failed pill. It's really hard when you feel this way with everyone else's expectations on how you should be feeling. All you can do is tale one day at a time and keep an eye on your moods for after the baby arrives. Seek help as and when you need it and don't forget you won't feel like this forever.

[dede124]

Hi @feelingblue123 I can 100% relate to how your feeling. Today is literally the first day where I have actually felt a bit normal and I am nearly 14 weeks! It's a horrible emotional ride and it's something that I definitely wasn't prepared for. Some days I feel like iv made the worst mistake of my life and can't stop crying don't feel guilty or alone it is completely normal. I think if your Poorly as well it makes it a lot worse! Sometimes it's just comforting to know your not alone and your feelings are normal, I went to the doctors the other day because I thought I had depressions and he was a bit useless . I hope it passes soon and I can enjoy it I'm still waiting for this glowing blooming part that supposed to happen 😒 xx

[feelingblue123]

My doctor was good. She said she hated her pregnancies too. She has prescribed a course of counselling and says I can come back in 2/3 weeks for meds if I want them. I suppose that's a good outcome, but I still feel so dreadfully low. I can't work or get off the sofa. I slept on the couch last night as I didn't have the brain power to get off it and go to bed.

My dogs are saving my life right now, all I am capable of is sitting on the sofa stroking them. I can't be bothered to feed myself or have a shower, I haven't eaten for two days and don't care. I feel numb. This is so unlike me as I usually run around like a mad thing doing all sorts of crazy work hours, personal projects and days out and outdoor activities and all sorts. I used to be a triathlon runner. My usually immaculate house has 10 weeks of mess in it, you can't see carpet .

Dr says an abortion at this point would be very difficult as all of my tests/scans/blood tests are super healthy. No low iron or anything. She said I'd have to make a 650 mile round trip to Bournemouth to get it done.

Thank you for everyones comments, help and support. Without them I wouldn't have gone to the Drs.

[dede124]

I know it's so hard but try and look after yourself.. you need to eat for yourself and the baby. It's so horrible not feeling like yourself and you feel like nothing can make you feel better. Try and get some rest and have something to eat