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Ok I am panicked someone who has a girl and boy help

(77 Posts)
ashleighbean Sat 08-Apr-17 07:43:11

So my dd has just turned 4 she is my everything and we have such a close relationship down to she has never been away from me for 1 night since she was born...yeah Ive had stick from people for not letting her stay somewhere away from me but I just couldn't bare not being near her when she woke up and I dont mind admitting that.

When we told her I was pregnant she was so excited but keeps talking about a sister found out its a boy yesterday and she is devastated. Its so difficult for her to understand we just dont choose the gender.

I am now worried sick so much that I barely slept last night feeling physically sick that I may have ruined a bond with her sibling and is she going to resent him. She will just be weeks into starting reception when I am due and dont want to disrupt everything even more now.

I was so shocked when they said boy but in a very happy way was in a bit of a daze not helping when my husband said oh dd will NOT be happy....que huge guilt from me and then for him to say I dont know any people with an older girl little boy who get along.

Someone please tell me this is possible with the 4.5yr gap. My neice and nephew dont get along there is only 16 months between them but the more I thought od it I couldnt think of anyone I knew where the big sister had a close bond with a little brother soooooo worried....really taken the shine off finding out

catscurledupbythefire Sat 08-Apr-17 07:45:30

Sibling bonds have little to do with age and gender and everything to do with love.

Mooey89 Sat 08-Apr-17 07:46:37

DSD was 7 when DS was born so older BUT she adores him! He looks up to his big sister, they absolutely love each other!

I got her to help with things when he was born so she felt involved - passing me nappies, choosing his clothes, etc.

Please don't worry, and congratulations!

Flushedwithsomething Sat 08-Apr-17 07:47:02

There's another active thread "are you thr sister of a brother". Take a look. My brother is wonderful and we are really close. What matters now is how you handle her reaction.

SaltyMyDear Sat 08-Apr-17 07:47:08

Why would a 4 year old stay away from you for a night? Most 4 year old's haven't.

When the baby arrives it will be the best thing ever. She'll think it's like the most amazing doll. She won't care if it's a boy or a girl!

If it was a girl it would still be a baby and not fun to play with for years. At the baby stage (as you know!) boys and girls are identical. Most 5 year old girls would think of a baby like a doll and love helping you with them.

If they don't - it's not because it's a boy!

They may or may not be friends later. 4.5 year age gap is a lot when they're under 18..... But again whether or not they're friends has nothing to do with his sex.

fusspot66 Sat 08-Apr-17 07:47:14

She will adore him
Mine does and similar age gap.

PovertyJetset Sat 08-Apr-17 07:47:38

I have a boy and a girl and they are they best of friends and have an incredible bond.

With kindness, your relationship with your Dd sounds very intense. Maybe you should look at how you can make her a little more independent from you.

AuntieStella Sat 08-Apr-17 07:48:24

I'm going to be a bit bracing here, but you haven't ruined any bond as one just doesn't exist.

Tell your DH to shut up, he!s being an utter arse with comments like that.

The other thread is attracting lots of stories if people with DD then younger DS - it's a normal, common family arrangement and his siblings get on is determined more by character then sex.

But if you catastrophise, then there's the risk of self-fulfilling prophecy.

Does your baby look healthy?

And just keep correcting DD to 'brother' whenever she says 'sister', and tell her off for negative comments about boys based on only their sezn(actually, do that anyhow) She'll get the hang of it by the time he's here.

BendingSpoons Sat 08-Apr-17 07:48:31

She is at that age where children really start to focus on being boys or girls but she will be fine! Talk to her about all the things she can do with her baby brother (i.e. no different to a sister!) and help her with this. I now someone who desperately wanted a baby crocodile. They coped with a brother!

Afreshstartplease Sat 08-Apr-17 07:49:27

I have a 4 year old dd and an almost 6 month old ds

Dd wanted a sister and was annoyed not to get one

She still wants a sister

She does love ds though

SayNoToCarrots Sat 08-Apr-17 07:52:06

I was absolutely furious when my new sibling turned out to be a boy, but it didn't take long for me to get over that.

catscurledupbythefire Sat 08-Apr-17 07:54:03

In the nicest way possible OP it does sound as if things revolve around your DD a bit.

It will do her no harm at all to have a sibling wink

Autumn0909 Sat 08-Apr-17 07:54:25

Don't worry OP! I'm the older sister to a brother 4 years younger and can honestly say he's one of my best friends now we're both in our twenties. Growing up, of course we had a lot of differences, but like Cats said, the bond has little to do with age and gender and everything to do with love.

I also wanted him to be a girl, and was definitely upset that I couldn't call 'the new baby' Wendy after the girl on Peter Pan, but I got over it. smile

Sewingbeatshousework Sat 08-Apr-17 07:54:43

There's 3.5 years between me (I'm older) & my dbro's, we weren't the closest while growing up but certainly didn't dislike each other. However since teenagers have become very close which I love 😊

The same with my dsis though (I'm 2.5 years older than her), much closer now grab in the earlier years.

Congratulations! Once he's born, or before, she won't be upset at all.

insancerre Sat 08-Apr-17 07:56:29

When I had dd her brother was mad at me because he had wanted a big brother not a little sister

AbbeyRoadCrossing Sat 08-Apr-17 07:59:57

She's got a lot of time to get used to the idea of a brother.
Kids will take the lead from their parents so be positive about it and get your DH to do so too.
I have a boy and a girl and they get on great most of the time. Apart from when they don't, like most siblings they have their moments!

Startoftheyear2017 Sat 08-Apr-17 08:02:39

5 year gap between my DD and her youngest brother. It's been great for him to have a bossy big sister and they get on really well. She would have loved a sister, but also loves being the only girl. Enjoy your pregnancy!

SleepFreeZone Sat 08-Apr-17 08:04:38

I do admit that if you've made your daughter feel like the most important thing in your world then another sibling whatever sex, might just knock her nose out of joint. Lots and lots of positive reinforcement needed.

Wolfiefan Sat 08-Apr-17 08:11:18

I agree with sleep free. Mine don't spend the night away from me when they are little and I love my kids completely BUT the world doesn't revolve around them.
Focus on all the good things about having a sibling. Places they can go and things they can do when he's older.
My eldest was 6 when youngest was born. They get on great.

Megatherium Sat 08-Apr-17 08:12:14

I assume when she talked about having a sister you told her the baby could easily be a boy? It's a good thing she knows now rather than when the baby is born, it gives her time to get used to the idea and, most importantly, it gives you time to build up all the positives.

I am 4 years older than my brother. I remember being thrilled to have a baby around, to the point that I drove my mother mad fussing about the baby crying. I was close to him as a child, and I've always got on really well with him.

lljkk Sat 08-Apr-17 08:15:34

My kids got over it, too (wanted DC4 to be a girl). Babies R all the same, anyway.

ElspethFlashman Sat 08-Apr-17 08:15:45

You're massively catastrophising.

You're also projecting a lot onto her. Babies are basically genderless for the first couple of years - at least they should be. There is literally no difference to a 4 year old.

MamaTT Sat 08-Apr-17 08:15:48

There's 14 months between my DD(7) and DS (6) and yes they can fight like cat and dog, but they're totally besotted with each other and are best friends. They hate being without one another. I'm 26 weeks pregnant with DD2 and was worried that DS would resent that baby is a girl but he's just so excited to be a big brother. Once your baby is here, the novelty of having a baby in the house will be so wonderful for your DD, that she'll soon forget she wanted a girl. I wouldn't worry.

Fooshufflewickbannanapants Sat 08-Apr-17 08:16:41

My 4th actually cried when my 6th turned out to be a boy (she was 8!) Little one is now 4 and my goodness they all adore him. He is particularly cute though 😂

Ohyesiam Sat 08-Apr-17 08:17:10

Things that ruin children's life are neglect, cruelty and unkindness.
Disappointment is such a big part of everyday life that it's really good to learn early that it might not feel good, but it's benign. Being able to cope with the "what is" is a really valuable life skill that makes for happiness.
Your dd will love him.
Last night my ds was sad because his beloved big sister is away for the weekend. They wind each other up, but the love is strong.

Oh and my dd never spent a night away from me at that age, ( she is very confident and independent) that's quite normal.

Try and get some perspective op, and calmly manage her expectations, as she will take her lead from you. No need for guilt or apologies. If she sees you knowing she will cope, it will be easier for her.
And of all else fails, think of what the kids in Syria are putting up with. Any loving bond is a good one.

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