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sister conflict getting me stressed :((29 Posts)
Ever since my sister has come back from travelling for a year she seems to be really distant with me. She's 20 and still lives at home with the parents.
I understand that perhaps its been a shock for her as when she came back our other sister was about to give birth (now has the baby), I've moved out and am expecting a baby and our other sister is getting on with her life too.
Anyway the sister with the issue just seems really blunt with me. I didn't think too much about it because she can often have major mood swings and often people find her rude in general. But our other sister said that she had been bitching about me calling me "malicious and manipulative". I'm not sure how this has been warranted. I asked the sister who told me this if she said why and if she agrees, she said "nope she never gave a reason just said it was hard to explain but she thinks you should be blocked out of the family. I don't get where she is coming from at all, not sure what you could have done...".
So her birthday is coming up, her 21st so a big one. And she is my sister, we grew up reasonably close and I've always thought we got on well so despite recently being told she thinks I'm "malicious and manipulative" I was expecting to be invited and want to buy her a nice present. But Dad has informed me I'm not invited! He said he doesn't know what I've done to piss her off but I'm not invited...
So now I'm stuck as to how to approach this issue. I'm 24 wks pregnant and not having an easy ride through pregnancy with sickness still affecting me (although who does have an easy pregnant anyway?!). I don't want there to be a rift between my family when my baby arrives but same time I don't want this drama to escalate by my prodding at it trying to fix it. I suffer with anxiety and depression so I'm rubbish with confrontation.
Perhaps her issue is that I'm pregnant? And maybe she doesn't know how to deal with pregnant women? I know our other sister said she was finding issues with her whilst she was pregnant...
I'm sorry to rant and i know its not really pregnancy related but rather more family drama issues but its really stressing me out to the point I've been crying over it (probably because I'm extra hormonal due to pregnancy granted).
Just any advice would be great. I would ask her directly but I cant drag my other sister into it by saying she told me you said I'm "malicious and manipulative" and I feel mean confronting her this close to her birthday too.
Oh idk, just feels good to at least share my issue on here. Sorry! Xx
Oh, what a horrid situation.
Have you spoken to said sister? Perhaps she's struggling being back under the parents roof after her freedom, and with all the changes? Her sisters have all moved on... Maybe she feels left out? Not an excuse but maybe the reason she's "off"
Maybe when she was away she found herself pregnant and now isn't. . . . ?
Personally, as pathetic as I would think it is, I would respect her wishes. Being the petty person I am, I would simply get her a card and nothing else. Take it to her the day before or even after her birthday and be honest... But, I am petty.
I do reckon it needs addressing though, I don't understand what would cause her to call you such awful things but sometimes when people go away for a while, when they return and get a shock, they tend to react in a way that you wouldn't of expected from them previously.
I would surprise her one day when I know she is in(ask parents) and corner her in to a conversation . Things like this have a tendency to cause arguments between a family and really, in the grand scheme of things, there really is nothing more important than family.
You don't have to involve your other sister. It's enough for you to ask what the issue is as you haven't been invited to her 21st.
Thing is we have never been one for texting each other so would be really odd of I text her put of the blue to see if she is okay. I could go over there when she's there (currently she's away on a course though and next time she's back is her birthday and I've been told not to come over...).
Yeah perhaps she was expecting but I've asked her before about kids, since she's been back, and she threw up a face of disgust at the idea. Tbf she is still a very young 21. Xx
I suppose I could ask her about her 21st.
Just to make it clear here, my parents are split so she's a sister on my Dads side. I've spoken to my mum about it and she said not to ask her because she wants to drama and attention to blow up so she can use it. Not sure of anyone would really do that though? Why would anyone actively want confrontation? I'm terrified of it. Xx
Text - Hi dad rang and said I'm not welcome on your birthday - have I upset you in some way?
I should just ask her about it I know... But I have such bad anxiety that even thinking about this potentially being a confrontation is starting my heart palpitations xx
Well you won't feel any worse then! Not knowing is harder to deal with than knowing!
It doesn't have to be a confrontation - you just stick with trying to put things right
Have I upset you?
Yes - you told X about Y
No I didn't! Or yes sorry I was tying to explain Z .....
Bit worried that I will be seen to be just causing drama for her about her birthday... I mean ultimately its her birthday and if she doesn't want me there...
I sound pathetic don't I? I know I'm just trying to look for anyway possible not to ask her about it. I just know how harsh she can be with words and worried at them cutting me down (despite being pretty certain I've done nothing wrong :/ ) xx
You don't sound pathetic. Not at all. I have been in a very similar situation and I beat myself up about not asking my sister why she suddenly seemed to loathe me. Our other sister would pass on hurtful snippets then tell me she didn't want to get involved.
It took two years to find out the truth! Our Dad died and vengeful sister spat out what she believed the day after. Turned out it was nothing I'd done but something to do with a belief that I had received money from my Dad.
Like you, I was pregnant when my sister first revealed her hatred for me and it really messed with my emotions.
My advice is to ignore your sister - she is behaving like a shit, you are not responsible for sorting out her crappy behaviour. She is the one with the issue, so she should be the one to talk to you. I would mentally 'walk away' and concentrate on you and your baby. I regret the hours I spent trying work out what I'd done and whether I should say something. I still see my sisters and I think they think it's in the past but I would never trust either of them again.
Thank you MrsBobDylan, sorry you've had to go through something similar especially during your grieving period of losing your dad.
Your advice makes sense, I should concentrate on baby and the other side of the family that hasn't got any drama. I've got loads of other great family members, we don't need her. Thank you xx
I would text her well before her birthday and say I am a little bit upset that I am nor invited to your birthday. Obviously I must have upset you in some way. Please tell me what I have done so I can ty and put right. I will respect your wishes but I have no idea of what the issue is. Can we find a way to repair this.
Upfront to the point but also respect to how she is feeling. If that don't work go to plan b about not giving a shit and focus on your baby.
We just have never been the sort to text. I could pop round tomorrow morning with her present and card. Her birthday party isnt till the evening so I wouldn't be disrupting that and then I can gage how she is in person maybe... Xx
Take a present and card round. Don't mention the party just be polite and pleasant. Don't give her attention
I think your mum's perspective is interesting. Does your sister have form for enjoying being centre of attention? Perhaps your pregnancy means that she feels in the shadows, hence creating the drama with you.
Don't give her attention would ensure I don't play into the drama and yet still being nice s at end of the day she is my sister.
My mums view is interesting and potential likely reason for her behaviour. She has always liked the lime light and is very confident. When she came back from travelling she did have a more of an arrogant persona about her in regards to how she's seen the world and we should all be vegans (not got an issue with veganism, tbf it actually would be better for environment if we all were so she has a point...). She did have a go at my sister with the baby for making everything focused on babies when she came back. Maybe she feels she is being pushed aside by babies? If so, how can I resolve this? Xx
You cant resolve it she sounds extremely childish and selfish, this is an important time in your life (and your sisters when they were pregnant) so you deserve the limelight for a while and she needs to be a grown up and deal with it. She sounds awful to be honest I wouldn't even be making an effort.
If she's making up horrible things about you and actively trying to get the rest of the family to cut you out, that's pretty extreme, especially given you're pregnant. (Personally, I always want to protect pregnant women, it's just built into me.) Send her a birthday card if you like but I wouldn't want to play her game and would instead focus on looking after myself & baby and nurturing my other relationships.
Where is your dad in all this? Why is he just washing his hands of it and relaying nasty messages?
I think I will just step back from this side of family for a while, at least until our sisters Hen Party in 2 weeks time (luckily there's enough people going I don't need to be near the problem sister).
I'll drop her card and present round but leave it like that.
My dad is awfully laid back and has never understood the whole conflict thing between people. I sometimes wonder if he has trouble understanding social dynamics. He didn't really say I'm not invited to be nasty or cause issue, he was just letting me know. He is kinda odd haha xx
My twin sister was a nightmare when she came back from travelling. She couldn't deal that we hadn't just sat around waiting for her to come home again.
Even now she lives in a different part of the country when she comes home everything has to evolve around her.
I think your dad is actually making it harder ..If she didn't want you to come she should have told you......Is he her lackey? It does sound like spoilt attention seeking but I'm not sure why your other sister felt the need to stir either...
I think you have few options...1/ take her present/gift and ask directly what the problem is....
2/just drop them off then drop her for a bit put her out of your mind and just assume she's being an arse and will grow up at some stage...
3/ can the lot of them all sounds far to much like hard work and focus on your new family..
I would recommend no 1 as knowing where you stand means you can deal with it...And misunderstanding can be divisive in the long run...
Either way don't gossip about it with your other sister you all sound quite young and may have got stuck in a childish groove....
Time to be an adult even if your the only one
Well there was a FB invite (which I obviously didn't know about). I asked Dad what we were doing for her birthday and he told me but said I'm not invited.
I agree we do all need to grow up. I cant do confrontation though so I guess I will do 2 and 3. Its only the problem sister that is really being the major issue. She's going travelling again in the summer so she will be no longer a problem then I hope!
I'll try to ignore it all and focus on what good I do have. Just hard when it hurts xx
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