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My Rainbow Baby

(38 Posts)
user1490256960 Thu 23-Mar-17 08:35:35

I had a miscarriage before Xmas and have just found out that I am pregnant with my Rainbow baby. It it very early days but I am delighted!

A good friend of mine had a miscarriage about 3 weeks after I had mine. It was the first pregnancy for both of us and every now and then she texts me asking how the 'trying again' is going. She has been someone who can relate to the exact feelings of "everywhere I turn people are pregnant and I had a miscarriage" I have been having and I think we have both sought comfort in the fact that we kind of went through it together.

I know she is as keen to catch again as I was so I am itching to share my joy with her but I am also afraid that she will be devastated if she hasn't caught yet herself. And I also don't want her to then feel stressed and pressured if she hasn't caught yet because she needs to be relaxed and calm so she has the best chance of catching.

She took the miscarriage much harder than I did and was much more emotionally effected by it so I really don't want to upset her. Is it selfish of me to want to tell her? I want to share it with her for all the right reasons but haven't because I am worried it will hurt her.

I am only 2/3 weeks along so I know it's too early for me to officially start telling people but I'm not really the type of person to wait for the 12 week mark to tell my close friends.

Whatsername17 Thu 23-Mar-17 09:46:24

It will upset her but if she is a good friend she will be pleased for you. Just be as sensitive with her as you'd hope she'd be with you if it were the other way around.

countingdown2gin Thu 23-Mar-17 09:49:14

Kind of similar that me and a friend both trying for our second for over a year. I was terrified to tell her but she was great. I try not to talk about my pregnancy with her unless prompted now just to try and be sensitive.

user1490256960 Thu 23-Mar-17 13:19:33

Thanks ladies.
I'm so torn because I think she would want to know and I know if it were reversed I would want to know. And I know I would be happy for her, totally! But I also know how frustrating it is when you just want to catch and you are doing everything and your attempts are fruitless, and knowing that I have caught will amplify all those feelings.
😔 Its hard being so powerless when all you want is a baby

jinglebellmel Thu 23-Mar-17 14:39:44

I'd tell her, and over a text or email maybe so that she has time to process it and be upset before she has to smile and congratulate you face to face. It's going to be difficult for her, you probably know yourself how it feels to hear a friend is pregnant when your are desperate for your bfp, but I'm sure she will be happy for you.

I was in a similar situation, friend announced her pregnancy just as I'd had a miscarriage. I was happy for her and didn't mind talking about her pregnancy, but the one thing that did upset me was that the miscarriage was never talked about after she got pregnant. She was probably trying to be sensetive, but it felt as though we talked about her baby and pregnancy while mine was forgotten - something to consider with your friend.

jinglebellmel Thu 23-Mar-17 14:40:11

And congratulations!

lynseyc83 Thu 23-Mar-17 17:27:32

Having my rainbow baby too- I'm currently 18 weeks
My daughter was still born last year so I understand how anxious you will be I am too xx

JulyLady7 Thu 23-Mar-17 22:41:49

Congratulations on your rainbow! I'm currently pregnant with my rainbow too after 2mcs last year.
When I got pregnant with my 2nd one, my best friend was 2 months gone, so our banned babies would have been close in age, we couldn't believe our luck. We would text and it was just nice to support each other.
When I lost my baby, out of care and concern for me, she stopped sharing so much about her pregnancy. I couldn't have been more hurt. I get why she did it, but it hurt that something as special as this in her life, she felt she had to keep from me.
Everyone is different and you know your friend best, but I would have appreciated if she treated me as normal.

JulyLady7 Thu 23-Mar-17 22:42:22

*babies, dunno where banned came from!

Tillums Fri 24-Mar-17 08:38:02

Jinglebellmel and julylady sorry for your losses! Xxx
you both make very good points. I think that's what is niggling me, the fact that she might be more upset that I have kept it from her. I'm still so early, I might leave it a week and then speak to her. I didn't find out this early last time. I'm still very early on. And I'm still completely symptomless.

Lyndseyc I am so sorry for your previous loss.xx How are you feeling this time round?

Julylady how far along are you now Hun? X

JulyLady7 Fri 24-Mar-17 10:17:19

Hi Tillums,

Yeah, you need to do what's best for you, so wait before you tell her if it feels right to you. I completely get that. We're not telling anyone apart from my mum this time as we got some shocking comments after it had happened the second time and people started treating me differently. I had one friend say how she pitied me whenever she saw me round a baby. She's also had a mc and found it hard to see babies, but we're not all the same! It didn't bother me at all seeing babies!
I'm 8 weeks now (so still early) and having fortnightly scans which are great for anxiety.
I saw a private consultant for mc testing and he's now supervising me on NHS for this pregnancy. I'm also on 75mg aspirin though all my tests came back normal. But when having blood tests, my blood is thick and slow, so it might be a problem they can't detect.
It's all going well at the moment, I'm so thankful. Hopefully, it continues! xx

Tillums Fri 24-Mar-17 13:45:39

JulyLady some people don't realise the impact that one little comment can make do they.
Glad you are having close monitoring this time around.
I might opt to not have an early scan this time around. It didn't change anything last time so I'm just going to aim to be calm and try not to think about it.
But then, I could always change my mind next week 😂

Oneofftime Fri 24-Mar-17 13:48:22

Seriously though you won't stop her being stressed by not telling her this. And many people get pg over and over despite high levels of stress. If you are being open about your ttc journey with each other I think she's more likely to be upset that you didn't tell her.

lynseyc83 Fri 24-Mar-17 18:50:03

I am so anxious unfortunately, very tearful
I was 30 weeks when my little girl passed away in July- I was heart broken
This time Round I've not wanted to tell many people, no face book announcements, don't want to buy any clothes, think names
I'm in my own little world it think.
Just wishing time away
I hope everything goes well for you this time

Tillums Fri 24-Mar-17 19:13:50

Oh lynseyc that sounds heartbreaking. Are the doctors able to monitor you in a way to make sure that it doesn't happen again?

lynseyc83 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:17:18

Getting monthly scans but it was a clot in the cord that happened she was a perfect little girl, her cord got tangled causing cots, which passed through to her.
Doctor have said it was an accident something that couldn't be predicted.
On aspirin this time round and just. Hoping

Tillums Fri 24-Mar-17 19:37:37

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry my lovely. 😔
I'm glad they are keeping a close eye on you and doing everything they can.
It isn't something that had ever crossed my mind, it's drilled into you that everything will be fine after the initial 12 week hurdle but unfortunately life isn't like that sometimes, it's awful 😔

Congratulations on your rainbow baby. He or she will be extra special. I do hope it all goes well for you xxxx

Newmother8668 Sat 25-Mar-17 08:52:43

Congratulations on your rainbow babies. I'm on fertility friends and still in touch with the women I did my one and only IVF round with and the support we have given each other is amazing. You might want to pop over there and join the BFP board. It is so supportive. I have my rainbow baby at almost six months, napping next to me. During that IVF round, some were positive and mine failed. However, I still loved them and supported them. I did tell them I wouldn't be as in touch as I was trying to move forward, but I always supported them. I had suffered two miscarriages, one even during my IVF and a failed IVF. Then NHS said no more rounds because I was a poor responder. We gave up having children and then it happened five months later. Four doctors said less than 1% chance or natural conception. When we did an announcement on Facebook, it was after three and a half months and we did it with a picture of the letter showing my infertility rates and the scan picture. My husband explained how hard we had had it and that none of it was easy. Even being pregnant, I couldn't enjoy it. I was happy and frightened. I didn't buy anything until I was 30 weeks pregnant. I couldn't bond with my bump a lot because it didn't seem real. I just wanted to share as it is a hard journey when it's difficult. The funny thing is the failed IVF hurt me more than the two early miscarriages because the hope was there. I still cannot think of the night when it failed without crying.

Tillums Tue 28-Mar-17 09:10:33

Hi Newmother!
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so happy for you that you now have your beautiful rainbow baby!

It seems that my dilemma about telling my friend won't bother me much longer. I have woken up to find I am bleeding. 😭

JulyLady7 Tue 28-Mar-17 09:38:37

Hi Tillums,

Sorry to hear that. Is it lots of bright red bleeding? I had a bleed toys pregnancy at 5 weeks and it turned out to be a subchorionic hematoma, separate from the pregnancy.
Is there any way you can get to EPU?

Chlo22 Tue 28-Mar-17 11:07:44

Hi july, I'm just having tests done now so read your post with interest. Our consultant said even if tests come back ok she'd probably treat the results as positive to be on safe side and prescribed me heparin and clexane in mean time. Did it take you long to conceive? So good to hear everything is going ok for you

JulyLady7 Tue 28-Mar-17 12:29:52

Hi Chlo22,
Sorry to hear of your loss. It's early days for me still, I'm so nervous!
Thankfully, it's never taken long to conceive and I've fallen pregnant first try all 3x.
I think there are blood disorders they can't detect and with all the stats saying that once you see a hb at 8 wks, your risk of mc is only 2%, that's why my consultant insisted we try something this time. I'm really hoping it works out!
I'm so pleased for you that you have a pro active consultant. Seems like you're in good hands!
When do you hear back about your tests?

Newmother8668 Tue 28-Mar-17 12:39:56

Tillums, hang in there. I bled through my first 13 weeks of pregnancy. By 12 1/2 weeks, I had huge clots coming out that soaked my bedsheets and I thought that was it. Baby was waving at me from the ultrasound. Let us know how it goes and big hugs to you!

Chlo22 Tue 28-Mar-17 12:53:05

Yes she does seem very good. I was worried we might not get tests as I had 2 mcs and one ectopic years and years ago and nhs said that doesn't count but she said of course it counts which was a relief. We should get results next Friday and are also thinking about asking her about going private for ivf as it took 14 months to conceive between each one. It seemed quite complicated but she said things don't always show up but the medication has no adverse effects so take it anyway. What stages did you get to with each one? Have you got any children? Fingers crossed for you, it's so bloody horrible. X

JulyLady7 Tue 28-Mar-17 17:25:35

Oh, she's lovely! Most people I know wont' count the ectopic. I had to do a combination of private and NHS to do tests, I'm thankful my GP felt so sorry for me that he signed off on all the tests.

I have no children yet. I got to 7 weeks with my first, but the HCG had not been rising properly, so we knew it wasn't going to go well despite the heartbeat. With the second, at 8 weeks, it was measuring right on track, great heartbeat, but it stopped at 8 + 5 and I found out at 11 + 4. I was heartbroken. It is horrible, makes me feel mad for doing it all again, but the good news is, each time is a new chance.
I hope everything is ok with your tests, so that you can get on with trying again. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. x

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