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Grandparent or OH

(22 Posts)
Marie11111 Sun 19-Mar-17 12:42:18

I am due first baby soon. My mum is really excited about the baby and first grandchild and I know she really wants to be involved. However my husband is more of the opinion that we are the parents and will deliver most of the care and whilst my mum will of course see her grandchild and it'll be more a grandparent- child relationship than a second caregiver. My cousin is due the same month as me and my cousin spends a lot of time with her mum and her mum will probably move in with her and her husband when she has her baby which I know will make my mum feel left out and make me feel guilty. She will probably drop her baby off all of the time as well. My mum is always talking about how my other cousins who have babies practically live at their grans house and I know it won't be the same for her when we have our baby. Any advice? I know it will annoy my OH if my mum is over all of the time and I equally don't want to upset my mum. Any advice?

Jessiecat27 Sun 19-Mar-17 12:44:49

I couldn't think of anything worse than my mum moving in with us! She has said she will be around when we need her for anything but she won't interfere (first grandchild) its your child not hers so don't feel guilty!

Chinnygirl Sun 19-Mar-17 12:47:20

I agree with your OH that it is your baby and not the grandparents baby. You both are the parents and most important people. I think you should let OH bond with the baby and maybe give your mother a task or something. Like take the baby for a walk while OH is at work a couple of times a week. She shouldn't come to stay with you or be there the whole time if your OH would rather be a family with just the three of you.

JessieMillz25 Sun 19-Mar-17 12:49:09

My mum is taking two weeks off to help after OH goes back to work after paternity. Could you come to a similiar arrangement?

BaronessBomburst Sun 19-Mar-17 12:53:11

I'm sorry, but your husband is right. You are both the baby's parents. Your mum can help and assist you but your husband's wishes come first.
What your cousin may or may not be doing is irrelevant and if your mum complains she's being unfair and unreasonable.

Elkalv Sun 19-Mar-17 13:03:12

Wait for baby to arrive and say yes to both of them meanwhile, maybe just tell kindly your mother that oh wants to bond with a baby first few weeks. Then see what your oh says after few nights of not sleeping and changing diapers and cleaning poo of all of the bed))) maybe he will ask your mom to move in with you?))) just joking I think it's a bit pointless to argue now but babies want attention 100% and even more so you will have enough time to spend with baby as well as your mom!

drinkyourmilk Sun 19-Mar-17 13:15:03

My mum is also staying for 2 weeks after my husband goes back to work.
She is ridiculously excited, and I'm excited for her!
Then I can't wait to be a family of 3.
My mum has had her children, it's time to just play grandparent and spoil them rotten when she sees them.
I'm with your OH I'm afraid.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sun 19-Mar-17 13:17:42

Your dm has had her time to be a dm. Now it's your turn and she will have to understand the gm role isn't the same - you need to support dh in this like you would expect his support over his family issues.

Emma2803 Sun 19-Mar-17 13:22:21

Op you haven't said what you want. Your husband doesn't want your mum being over all the time etc but sometimes you just need your mum no matter what age you are and that's ok too.
My husband went back to work the day after we came home from hospital and I found it very tough emotionally the first few weeks and was so glad of the support my mum gave me. She didn't stay ad she doesn't live that far away but mums just understand what you are going through as they have done it before.
Agree with pp who said wait til baby arrives and see how you feel.

GirlElephant Sun 19-Mar-17 13:25:49

You and your DH are having a child and should be the primary care-givers. I think your DM is over-stepping if she views having a DGC the same as her becoming a parent again.

My DPs and PIL are lovely and it's really important to me that they build a great relationship with DD. Both myself and DH were close to our DGPs growing up. However realistically small babies only recognise their parents as their world is very small. We see our respective parents anything from weekly to fortnightly depending what we all have on. When DH went back to work after 2 weeks paternity I was equally nervous and excited but got into a routine. Both sets of GPs live within a 30 minute commute so there was no need for them to stay and visit and frankly they and we wouldn't have wanted that. If you're taking mat leave and your DH isn't it's important that your free time allows him to bond with your child and for the three of you to spend time together.

Congratulations and good luck but my advice would be don't guarantee anyone anything. The first few weeks we had so many visitors and it was lovely to catch-up and introduce our baby to everyone. But it's also tiring having visitors (even close ones!) when sleep deprived. Breast feeding didn't work out for us but if it had I would have spent even longer trying to maintain a supply which limits what you can do. You will cherish days where it's just you and your baby cuddling on the sofa or going for walks while DH is at work. You will also both cherish when he's at home

Astro55 Sun 19-Mar-17 13:26:51

What do you want?

Some parents need their mum for support others are just capable of getting in with it

Neither a wrong just different!

NerrSnerr Sun 19-Mar-17 13:30:28

Of course you and your husband should be the two main care givers, it must feel awful if he feels he is going to feel pushed out of caring for his own child.

It's great she wants to be involved and I'm sure she'll be a great support but it shouldn't be to the detriment of one of the parents.

Moussemoose Sun 19-Mar-17 13:35:22

Your DH wants to be involved with his own child he doesn't want to be pushed out by your DM. Of course he is right!

How many threads do you read about dads who are not involved or engaged with their DC? If he is pushed out early on don't complain if he isn't fully involved later on.

AudreyBradshaw Sun 19-Mar-17 14:46:26

My Dh was back at work the day after I had an EMCS and was doing 13 hour shifts. I lived between my parents house, or my DM came to our house. My mum looked after me and baby. My dad cooked meals for all of us! Couldn't have done it otherwise.

You need to do what's right for you. Take it one day at a time, you don't know how you'll feel/what you'll want after you've given birth. You may need both, they may need each other to work as a team! (But I'm basing that on my experience.)

Soozikinzii Sun 19-Mar-17 14:52:19

Your husband is right and great that he wants to be fully involved.but could your mum come and stay when he's gone back to work as a compromise ?you will be glad of the help then I am sure xx

Marie11111 Sun 19-Mar-17 14:58:27

Thank you for all of your responses smile

MinnieNoush Sun 19-Mar-17 19:53:22

Your husband is definitely right, this is your child, not your mum's child, her role will be a very loving grand parent but that's it. It would be completely weird for her to move in and you can't do something like that to keep her happy. She has had her chance to be a parent, it's not yours and your husbands turn.
Good luck

RedCrab Sun 19-Mar-17 20:01:20

Babies need to bond with their primary caregivers. This bonding that's done early is extremely important and basically sets the relationship up for life - just as much for the father as it does for the mother. Secondary relationships (grandparents) are also very important but just not on the same scale as the parents. Naturally your mum is excited but she needs to be told gently but firmly what expectations are.

RedCrab Sun 19-Mar-17 20:02:46

So just thinking about your title - it's not GP or DH. It's You and DH...and then grandparents. No or smile

DirtyDancing Sun 19-Mar-17 22:40:13

I literally couldn't do without the help of Grandparents from both sides.

I would say take help with open arms!!!!

Astro55 Sun 19-Mar-17 23:05:50

I literally couldn't do without the help of Grandparents from both sides

Can you explain why?

NerrSnerr Sun 19-Mar-17 23:18:07

It's lovely if grandparents want to be involved so I have heard but it really shouldn't be grandparents or husband. Your husband is the other parent. We definitely didn't need or want anyone to move in with us and if any grandparents did offer to do this both my husband and I would need to be on board, especially considering it's equally our house and our baby!

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