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Pregnant, scared and the father is leaving the country

(7 Posts)
SquiggleDot123 Thu 09-Mar-17 12:40:32

I hope I'm posting this in the right section, im sorry if not. I'm new to the site and am desperately seeking some advice after I've recently found out I'm pregnant.

I'm going to be 23 next week and I have just found out I am around 4 weeks pregnant. I have been seeing the father for around 6 months and we were, I thought, getting serious.

He is of Albanian descent and came to the UK on a student visa (or so he told me) but I have since found out he's illegal here. When I told him about the baby he admitted this. I had no reason to believe he was illegal before as he is working, I now know this is because he is using fake papers. I'm furious at him for lying to me and furious at myself for being duped by this man.

The day I told him about the baby he made it clear he isn't ready, wants nothing to do with the baby and nothing to do with me as a result. He won't be paying maintenance and has now announced that he's going back to his own country. He can't live like this anymore he said, and the baby is the final nail in the coffin. I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact everything has changed so quickly and he isn't who I believed him to be.

I am absolutely floored and heartbroken and feel so alone. I feel stupid for allowing myself to trust somebody who in reality I never knew at all. I'm terrified of going through the pregnancy alone and am hurting from the rejection he's shown the little life growing inside of me.

Abortion is not an option, I desperately want this child but the circumstances are making it extremely painful emotionally.

He's stopped returning my texts only to reply and say he has said his piece and he is leaving, it's done now he says. I can't grasp how somebody who seemed so loving and decent could turn out to be so cold.

I feel as though I need his support but it's non existent, and the kind warm person who'd ask how I am several times a day has vanished off the face of the earth, out of my inbox and out of my life. He says he will be leaving very soon and refuses to see me before he does.

Out of upset I have told him I'm glad he's going and I don't need him, but the truth is I feel that I do. His circumstances mean it would be impossible to raise the baby together even if he did want to be involved, which he categorically doesn't, but it's still a massive slap in the face to know he's just going to up and leave- leaving me to deal with the hurt and anguish alone.

I feel so low right now :-(

LizzieMacQueen Thu 09-Mar-17 12:45:29

What's your relationship like with your parents?

If I was you that would be my place for support.

SquiggleDot123 Thu 09-Mar-17 12:49:39

Ironically I don't know my father, im close to my mother but she has learning difficulties so she can only provide support on a superficial level

SuziePink Thu 09-Mar-17 14:38:56

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm going through a similar thing at the moment and completely empathise with you. I found out I was pregnant just after New Year. My boyfriend of 2 years wanted me to have an abortion but I'm absolutely terrified of having one (perhaps partly due to the fact a friend of my parents had one when she was younger and was unable to have children afterwards). His mother then got involved and tried to emotionally blackmail me into having an abortion. After I refused she then turned him against me and he broke up with me, saying that I was bullying him and manipulative. Whenever I've seen him since he's been very cold and is not replying to my messages, not even to say I should leave him alone. I still have lots of stuff at his house but feel unable to go round there unannounced to pick it up. I feel utterly betrayed by these people who I thought cared about me.

I feel I'm not only grieving the loss of my kind, caring (until 6 weeks ago) boyfriend but trying to function and failing. The doctor has signed me off for 6 weeks and I've started having counselling to deal with everything. I would certainly recommend you speak to your doctor as not having to worry about work has helped plus they can organise counselling for you. Men unfortunately seem to think abortion is just another emergency contraceptive and don't understand they trauma it can cause if it's not what you want. Ultimately, like my boyfriend, you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, particularly if he isn't even supposed to be living here.

You need to focus on yourself now, as difficult as that may be, and make sure you get some support for yourself whether that's counselling, single parent support groups, or friends and family.

Elkalv Fri 10-Mar-17 00:16:12

Hi girls, I am a single mother to be , don't really want to talk about ex, it is very similar situation to yours, i.e. Ex doesn't want to know anything about child etc but I think I am a bit further along , I am ~ 20 weeks, and just want to say I think it's easier to stop thinking and hoping for help from partner and get rejection every time. Best thing to do now is to take care of yourself, turn to your friends and family and you will likely get lots of support from them and start to enjoy the magical time. It will be difficult but we can do it, I am scared and sad sometimes as I want support and family but I try to think about practical problems and care of myself and meet with friends. Good luck to all of us!

Toobloodytired Fri 10-Mar-17 08:20:25

Hey all, another single mum to be here.
I'm 35 weeks with first baby.
Another one with an ex who didn't/doesn't want to know. The prospect of doing this alone petrifies me, even after 4 months since he left I still wonder how someone who told me he loved me and would always be there can be so heartless about a baby he so very much wanted.

However, as much as I'm scared to do this alone....I've sought support from everyone I physically can who will help even if it's just advice.

As a PP said, counselling is a good one, I started soon after he left ready to kill myself. About to finish my last 2 sessions & haven't thought about suicide in months!

Take care of yourself op, DONT BE HARD ON YOURSELF, I made that mistake & have flamed myself every time I've even remotely felt down even though it's perfectly normal!


Coreynkayden Fri 10-Mar-17 08:34:00

Its going to be hard for you but im sure you will be fine iv got 2 boys and 11 weeks pregnant with my 3rd baby my second born dad was similar except he made out he wanted to be there for baby but he did nothing envy its easyier than you think bringing a baby up on your own have you got plenty off friends ?x

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