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Can't accept the baby is coming...

(22 Posts)
JessieMillz25 Tue 07-Mar-17 15:51:25

Sorry I seem to be using MN as my own personal sound board lately. I have done lots of baby things that I have been putting off this week such as getting a pram, changing bag ect. I am also starting the path to parenthood classes tonight but I still can't shake the feeling that it is all pointless because the baby isn't going to be born alive. I am so very lucky because people have been so generous to me and brought me things and thrown me parties and I just feel it will all be for nothing. People keep asking if I'm worried about the birth but all I can imagine is giving birth to a dead baby. I can't imagine her being here at all 😭😭😭

EssentialHummus Tue 07-Mar-17 15:59:06

Hey OP. I'm no expert, but I would guess that psychologically you fear that something will go wrong between now and birth, and that fear is stopping you from enjoying the pregnancy/gifts etc.

How far along are you? Have you seen the baby move/be OK at scans, or felt it kick yet?

JessieMillz25 Tue 07-Mar-17 16:05:32

I'm 33 weeks. I have lots of issues with movement. Lots of anxiety and lots of tears. Everything has been fine which makes me feel selfish for feeling this way. Baby was measuring small but has caught up now

BusterGonad Tue 07-Mar-17 16:11:02

Jessie, don't answer this if you don't want to, but have you lost a baby in the past? Could this be why you won't allow yourself to relax and enjoy your pregnancy? I nearly lost my son and if I was pregnant again I think I also would feel this way!

MissJC Tue 07-Mar-17 16:11:32

Maybe book an appointment with GP, Im the opposite, had a dream pregnancy but now DD is 15 days old and the fear of something happening to her has set in. Worrying to a degree is normal but I think you should seek some help as you don't want to end up with PND if you already seem to be on the anxious side. Nothing wrong with being checked out. Big hugs xx

pinkiepie1 Tue 07-Mar-17 16:16:49

I'm with you, im nearly 30wk and haven't bought a thing, won't let people buy anything because im paranoid that something is going to happen. Now in my case I know why im like this, (dd1 born 23+6 died 2 days old. Dd2 born 32wk was fine but could accept she was going to be ok. Even now she's 4 I still worry something will happen to her.) have you experienced any loss in previous.pregnancies because that could be a trigger? Talk to your midwife or Gp they can prescribe something or if you have a children centre near you register and ask to see a councillor they really helped me.

JessieMillz25 Tue 07-Mar-17 16:19:22

No very fortunate not to have lost a baby before. This baby was a bit of a happy accident so I can't shake the feeling that I don't deserve my baby. This is gonna sound like I'm a total self centred flake but I was very confident in my pregnancy till I stumbled on some Instagram and this poor, poor lady had lost her baby and wrote "I was so niave to assume my baby would be born alive" and I haven't been able to get that out of my head! And that was 12 weeks ago!

peaceloveandbiscuits Tue 07-Mar-17 16:22:46

Have you told your midwife how you're feeling? Antenatal depression and anxiety is a legit thing, and it needs addressing.

JessieMillz25 Tue 07-Mar-17 16:26:17

Yes my midwife knows. I have been referred to services and chased them up but never seem to get anywhere with them. I was even registered for urgent care which was meant to happen in three days but that was over a month ago. I was attending Pilates/Yoga to help me but that's the same day as the prenatal pathway thing so I've had to quit that now.

NoChocolateThanks Tue 07-Mar-17 16:40:52

Jessie just want to send virtual hug and say you are not alone.I experienced those feelings very strongly during my 3rd pregnancy.Rught from beginning,after initial joy of discovering I'm pregnant it was constant anxiety and it was different every trimester (1st I was petrified that I will miscarry,then premature birth).3rd trimester was absolutely awful,I couldn't think about anything else,it was constant STILLBIRTH whisper in my mind.I was so stressed about it that I have developed high BP,was hospitalised and when the medical team mentioned induction I was so relived.My baby was not helping at all as he was rather relaxed in there and not kicking much( which also resulted in 2 unnecessary hospital visits).
What helped me quite a lot was hypnobirthing cd(downloaded on the phone) and breathing techniques.

user1488971576 Wed 08-Mar-17 11:29:03

I'm 39 weeks tomorrow and cant shake the feeling that I'm not ready at all, I have everything for the baby and I had a mad nesting frenzy last week but I still don't feel ready at all, I'm 2cm at the moment and the baby is measuring a little under so I'm worried about that to I just don't know how to relax at all confused

JacquelineChan Wed 08-Mar-17 11:34:40

i understand how you feel . I don't know if you are a very anxious person in general like me ( I'm the type to worry all day that i have left the cooker on ), but I worried terribly all the way through my pregnancy with all the same things as you are saying.
The thing is , you have to get a handle on it because these feelings never leave you ! My DS is 3 now and i still worry about him ALL THE TIME, i think it is part of being a mum.
Please relax as much as you can because it is such a magical time x

Lelly0503 Wed 08-Mar-17 12:04:09

Hello, I am only 15 weeks so not as far along as you but I can relate to how you feel. When I was TTC I read up on all sorts and would offen stumble across forums around losses during pregnancy, and I'd read them and now I'm almost too aware of the things that could go wrong. I was terrible waiting for my 12 week scan, but as that was a few weeks ago I'm starting to worry again as I've not felt any movements (know this is normal) and I don't feel ill anymore. I even google things like 'no heartbeat at 20 week scan' I have no idea why I do it. I can't talk about it to people in real life as when I've mentioned it they look at me like I'm mental. Which I probably am

user1488971576 Wed 08-Mar-17 13:00:09

I was exactly the same around that point to I used to google everything then my midwife told me of for it as she said google isn't my friend😞 so I use the nhs website for a lot of things, but I'm just really nervous and keep thinking something is going to happen or go wrong, I know its highly unlikely but I still get the feeling everyday, my mw suggested I drink clipper raspberry leaf tea once a day for the next 3 days then twice a day till my dd, I've been using my labour ball eating spicy things and walking a lot but all that's happened is I lost my plug and I'm 2cm nothing else is happening except Braxton hicks, but they hurt more then they ever did, I'm just scared and want to get it over and done with I'm 17 and this is my first baby have no idea what to do confused

mistermagpie Wed 08-Mar-17 13:33:25

I could have written your post in my first pregnancy (I'm marginally better in this one). I'm not exaggerating when I say I used to think about what my baby's funeral would be like and how we would cope. I wouldn't buy anything, any gifts went straight to MILs, didn't get a pram until I was about 35 weeks and refused to even pack a hospital bag (which was nonsensical because I would still need a hospital bag if the worst happened, plus when I did go into labour DH had to try and pack it for me which was a shambles).

The trigger for me was that a close friend had a full-term stillbirth a few years ago. She has told me how naive she was and how she never even considered not bringing her baby home alive and healthy. The whole thing made me go too far the other way in that i couldn't even contemplate that I would get to bring a baby home. I was obsessed with googling statistics about stillbirth and other things that could go wrong. I was a nightmare to live with so much that DH threatened to cut off the wifi!

I think for me, it is just part of my personality. I'm not a negative person (to be around) but I do tend to consider all the possible worst-case scenarios in a situtaion and almost make myself plan how I will feel about them and cope with them if those situations arise. Google 'defensive' or 'protective' pessimism if you think you might do this too - it made me realise that this is an 'actual' thing, rather than me just being crazy.

My baby was fine. He was and is absolutely perfect and I am so grateful. I am now 36 weeks pregnant with DC#2 and have handled this pregnancy better overall, but the old fears are coming back now I am near the finish line. My friend was 12 days overdue when her baby died and I am petrified of going over with this one (DS was two weeks early, thank god). I spend ages looking up stats of whether one early baby means the next one will be etc...

I have no advice really as you can tell, but you are not alone. Pregnancy can be a very long and lonely 40 weeks and if you are prone to anxiety or it gets triggered by something then it can be very hard to shift. My one consolation is that my anxiety disappeared as soon as my baby was born - I'm not an anxious mother and lots of people tell me I'm really laid back and easygoing as a parent. I hope the same happens for you.

mistermagpie Wed 08-Mar-17 13:33:37

Sorry for the ramble there!

Helbelle75 Wed 08-Mar-17 13:43:09

You're not on your own with this. I'very had similar thoughts, 35 weeks and will be our first baby, but had a mmc last year.
Like mistermagpie, I think it's a protective mechanism, not to get hopes up.
I've started mat leave early so I can keep a proper track of baby's movements and ,make sure I'm as healthy and relaxed as possible.

mistermagpie Wed 08-Mar-17 15:18:26

I'm the opposite hel, I'm starting mat leave as late as possible because I'm in denial!

JessieMillz25 Wed 08-Mar-17 15:58:20

Thank you ladies. I find this board hugely comforting and try to stick to this and the NHS website. It is wonderful to have support, OH and mum/sister are very patient with me but I think they are finding it hard to deal with now.
Like Mister I have imagined the baby's funeral! It was helped by the fact I had to attend my nanny's funeral last week! I also keep imaging telling people that the baby has died. OH was talking to people we used to work with about the baby the other day and afterwards I felt so silly that I had actually said to him "don't talk about her incase she dies"
I try and take it hour by hour but that makes time drag. I wish to God there was a safe point. The fact you can go over and still lose them is terrifying!
At the moment in the morning the first time I feel the baby I think "I am 33+however many days and i am still pregnant" it seems to help a little. Sorry for the ramble.

ProfessorPickles Wed 08-Mar-17 16:05:44

I'm sorry that you're having these thoughts OP, it's natural to some extent because it matters so much but it does sound like things have gone to the extreme for you.
I hope you get some support soon because it can't be nice for you to be so concerned that you're saying not to talk about her incase she dies.
I imagine it's a kind of defence mechanism to protect yourself on the off chance something did go wrong.

I wish you all the best flowers

mistermagpie Wed 08-Mar-17 20:09:18

I know what you mean about a 'safe point', it's so hard to accept that there isn't one, although you are through the most dangerous times so take comfort in that.

I wish there was a window in my stomach so I could see that the baby was ok, why hasn't Mother Nature come up with that yet?!

Toobloodytired Fri 10-Mar-17 08:47:07

Was about to make a new thread about this exact same worry.

I have worried non stop throughout, went to hospital twice in the same week for reduced movements.

Was in hospital with a chest infection and because my anxiety got worse, I practically demanded an induction at 37 weeks.

I'm now 35 & the fear is still there constantly, I've now been offered daily monitoring. I haven't been to hospital in a week as he's been moving absolutely loads!

But I understand, the fear is renewed each & every day sad

Maybe break your weeks down??

To make them not feel so slow.

My new week is a Friday, then as soon as Saturday comes I count it as 1 less week again, then when Monday comes I countdown to Wednesday & then start again on Friday.

It sounds excessive but it keeps my mind positive and pre occupied.

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