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Could this be PND?(3 Posts)
Although I'm no longer pregnant, I'm posting here for a bit more traffic.
I was looking for some opinions on whether this is totally normal, or whether it sounds like the beginnings of PND.
A bit of background - my baby was born 4 weeks ago, at 33 weeks gestation due to preeclampsia. She was in the NICU for two weeks, home for three days before being readmitted again for another week. We have now been home for almost a week.
I adore her, but I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness that I don't want her to grow up - she's still tiny, so I do want her to get healthier/stronger etc, but I can't bear how fast time is going. I feel like I've set myself up for a lifetime of pain as I have brought something into the world I desperately want to protect, but I know I won't be able to forever. I am already dreading the day she will move from her first 'early baby' sleepsuits into 'tiny baby' (I know, ridiculous!).
I also feel like I'm getting further and further away from her birth, and although the reality of it was horrible as were the ensuing weeks in NICU, for some reason I want to go back and do it all over again. I don't know whether it's because the pregnancy ended so abruptly and it was very much out of my control, so I feel a bit robbed, or perhaps a bit traumatised?
I feel so guilty that I couldn't keep my daughter inside for longer, and I felt sick each and every time she screamed when they cannulated her, or did some other procedure.
I hate feeling like this, and just want to enjoy every stage and let go a little. I find myself wanting to cry a few times a day about either her vulnerability and the enormity of what I feel for her, or the fact that time is going to take it all away.
Any insights (normal hormones/PND/perhaps PTSD from the birth...?) would be appreciated.
Firstly, Congratulations on your LO
Secondly, whatever your feelings are, they are not wrong. You have been through a really traumatic awful experience; your body has certain coping mechanisms which it will use to get through.
It does sound like you would benefit from seeing your GP and some counselling. The hospital I gave birth at had a birth reflections service where a midwife comes out to your house with your notes and goes through everything that happened. This may be useful for you too.
My emotions shut down after the birth of my son; I had been in so much pain my brain shut down as a way of protecting myself. I then had to basically teach it to feel again.
I experienced PND and PTSD which I am glad to say I have fully recovered from; there is hope for you.
OP please don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like a case of the baby blues, if you're ability to take care of her is unaffected.
Of course you're going to want to protect your tiny little daughter, this is maternal instinct. I got a bit scared myself thinking of the myriad of risks out there in the big and world, but it does get better as your baby gets bigger and more robust. It may not seem logical, but it is natural and time does take it away.
If you want to cry, go ahead but try and avoid doing this in front of the LO. Baby's can pick up on emotions very easily and your DD has been through enough trauma already. The sooner you stop berating yourself for it, the sooner you can enjoy your time with her - it's precious and you never get it back.
If your symptoms become more severe, please seek medical advice.
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