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When to tell DS he'll be a brother

(26 Posts)
QwertyScrewdriver Fri 03-Mar-17 12:07:48

Sorry for the very long post.
Woohooo I got my BFP!!! We're only on our second month of trying and I'd already got a few negative tests this cycle after messing dates up but it's definitely a yes!
We already have a DS who's nearly 5, we've always said to ourselves we'd tell him first. Previous pregnancy I had an obvious bump at 6/7 weeks, enough for people to congratulate me, so if it follows suit this time round it would be hard to hide from family. We briefly discussed telling him on his birthday as we'll be seeing both sets of grandparents after and he can share the news with them (make him feel involved) but we've realised he wouldn't then be able to keep it to himself afterwards, the whole playground, neighbours and friends will all know as 5 year olds and secrets don't mix. The date we had in mind would make me 7 weeks (which is super early).
DSis is also pregnant (about 6 weeks ahead of me) and has already been trying to join the dots when I've accidentally mentioned tiredness/feeling sick. They all know/suspect we've been trying and every time I speak to them I feel like I'm going to blurt it out.
Should I tell DSis/parents/in-laws when I planned to and wait until 12 week scan (when we'd be ready to tell the world) to tell DS?
Pregnancy with DS was a surprise and just before we were ready, so announcing was a scary time as we didn't know what reactions we'd be met with. This time around we're really looking forward to doing it without worrying about what anyone says!

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Fri 03-Mar-17 12:10:16

I didn't tell dc until 12 weeks. Simply because if anything had gone wrong in the early weeks you can't untell a child. And being honest is too much for them to have to cope with imo. And 40 weeks is long for an adult to wait but a lifetime for a dc!!

KatnissMellark Fri 03-Mar-17 12:12:47

I don't want to piss on your bonfire but I think it's nuts to tell a five year old so soon. It is so so early and anything could go wrong - I wouldn't want a five year old to have to deal with that. I totally understand wanting him to know first but I think it's just not practical I'm this case. Maybe book a private scan when you're further along (perhaps a gender one at 16 weeks) and take him so he can be the first to know if it's a brother or sister instead?

Obviously it's absolutely personal choice but having suffered a loss myself and resisted pressure to tell younger relatives early I'm really glad I did.

Good luck with everything flowers

Backhometothenorth Fri 03-Mar-17 12:26:42

We waited until 20 weeks before telling DD the good news as I wanted to be as confident as possible that everything was going well AND because that seemed like a reasonably short time for her to be insanely excited about it 24 hours a day!!
Congratulations flowers

ThermoScan Fri 03-Mar-17 12:33:19

I told my 2 at the 20 week scan(they had to come ,eldest was 3). Unless your 5 year old has a habit of kicking your stomach or jumping on you (in which case you might need to say something) I would wait until they ask why you are fat or wait until 20 weeks !

QwertyScrewdriver Fri 03-Mar-17 12:38:28

Katniss thank you that is exactly what I needed to hear. When I had all these thoughts of how we would do things I was completely forgetting how bloody long everything seems when it's happening. I'm on day 2 of knowing and as I'm already getting nausea and tiredness (is it too early for this to mean a girl? shock) and I feel like my first scan and anything of excitement is ages and ages away. I am horrendous at keeping secrets and feel like I'm going to give the game away. I'll tell the grandparents when I planned to and tell DS after the scan.

WorriedAndCrazy Fri 03-Mar-17 13:11:05

I was pregnant last year and told my daughter (4 at the time) when I was about 10 weeks. I had a horrible feeling from the beginning that something was wrong and I still don't understand what made me tell her. She was so excited and told her nursery teachers. Found out at my scan no progress beyond 5 weeks sad. Telling her was very difficult and she couldn't understand. This time around I was going to wait until I was 24 weeks to tell her but ended up telling her at 16 weeks after my gender scan. Quite honestly I regretted telling her even then as I thought what if something is wrong at 20 week scan/premature labour before 24 weeks and I have to break her heart all over again. Sorry my story is so doom and gloom I just think it's better to wait as I feel I inflicted unnecessary upset on her and she still occasionally brings it up one year later. I'm 27 weeks now and she has a countdown plaque that she updates every day for days until she becomes a sister. About 2 or 3 times a day I'm asked when will the baby be here. Yeah definitely best to wait as long as possible for your own sanitygrin. Congratulations flowers

Fluffywallow Fri 03-Mar-17 14:07:13


I wanted to wait to tell our DD (2.4yrs) but had to tell family early due to sickness. I sort of naively thought people wouldn't mention it to her, but they have! So she knew much earlier than hoped. But she is very young and forgets easily. Not sure about a 5yr old.

I would say, you know him best so do what you feel is right. But my heart says, if you can wait until you've had the security of the 12 weeks scan first then that'll be the most enjoyable way for you all.

mycatloveslego Fri 03-Mar-17 14:14:17

Congratulations on your bfp! I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant with my second. DS1 has recently turned 5. I have had 2 missed mc's so we decided not to tell DS until after the 12 week scan, firstly so we wouldn't have to tell him if we lost another baby and secondly because he'd tell everyone!
I can't imagine how awful it would be to have to tell a child that age their baby sibling had died.

jimijack Fri 03-Mar-17 14:14:32

Pissing on your bonfire here too im afraid, it's traumatic explaining to a young child loss. Having had multiple miscarriages, my young son knew of none until I was 14 weeks with his brother.
It would have made things so very much harder and sadder than it already was knowing I had caused him to experience loss and grief when he didn't need to.

SweepTheHalls Fri 03-Mar-17 14:17:16

We told our boys after the 12 week scan. We got out pictures of their scans to reminiss with them, then showed them the one we had done that day. It was magical to watch the penny drop on my 6 and 4 yer olds faces grin

TheTartOfAsgard Fri 03-Mar-17 14:22:08

I told my two after I had a scan at 8 weeks. They're older though (12 and 13)

Snowflakes1122 Fri 03-Mar-17 14:39:41


We told our DC (5 and 11 year old) at 18 weeks. This was because I had a mmc and a D&C at 13 weeks. They were devastated, so the later the better I thought.

It's completely up to you when you share your lovely news smile

Winemamma Sat 04-Mar-17 07:38:39

Congratulations! Our DD was 3.5 when I had the dating scan at 14 wks with DS so we told her then and she then told her grandparents the news which was nice for her as she felt part of it. I agree with others that it is risky telling a little one too early just in case things don't go to plan.

MrsNuckyThompson Sat 04-Mar-17 07:46:54

We also waited until 12 weeks. DS was 3.5 so quite 'with it' in terms of understanding what was going on and I knew he'd tell other people so wanted to be sure I was out of the woods and ready to tell others.

He was basically the first to know other than DH, my mum and best friend. He was then free to tell anyone who'd listen!

Frazzled2207 Sat 04-Mar-17 08:03:34

I would be waiting until at least 12 weeks, sorry. But congratulations. My dc1 had only just turned 1 when we found out we were expecting dc2, so was too young to understand. All turned ok though.

McBaby Sat 04-Mar-17 08:03:59

Told 4 and 2 years old after 12 week scan (which was at 14 weeks). I had a bump and they were not the first to know.

I also had a miscarriage at 10 weeks last year as well and so glad I hadn't told them not sure it's something they needed to deal with. As they are now so excited waiting for there baby brother or sister.

vfoster Sat 04-Mar-17 09:09:36

I told my 3 1/2 year old on Christmas Eve. I was about 11 weeks and had my 12 week scan just after new year.
We told family and close friends over Christmas as I couldn't be bothered lying (we'd done it with our first and everyone had already guessed as I didn't have a drink over Christmas).
Luckily she didn't go back to nursery until after the first scan as on the first day back she told EVERYONE in her nursery. When I picked her up all the staff were congratulating me! I did think that I was glad I knew everything was OK since I'd have to tell a lot of people if we'd had bad news.

balence49 Sat 04-Mar-17 09:26:44

I can't hide being pregnant as I turn green before I get a positive test 🤢 so when my dd was 5 I got pregnant and she knew from 6 weeks as couldn't hide it.
I had a miscarriage at 15 weeks and it was awful, more so because she knew. And talked about it for ages. Telling folk in the supermarket, on the bus etc. Also when I later got pregnant with ds she kept asking if that was gonna die too. It was awful.for her, and us.

I never want to burst my newly pregnant friends bubble by saying anything when they announce a pregnancy early, but I do think a lot of folk just don't realise how often theose things happen as it's not talked about.

Loulou2kent Sat 04-Mar-17 09:35:46

Waited till 20 weeks but only so he didn't have too long to think about it. We also knew what we were having then & it was nice to tell him he was going to have a little brother. Plus I don't think I could have listened to "when is the baby ready?" Longer than I needed too!

There's no right or wrong but like pp's have said, just know what you will say if things don't go to plan.

Congratulations! flowers

n0ne Sat 04-Mar-17 09:41:31

We told our DD yesterday, at 13w. I'd just got the combined test results back which were favourable, so we told her and then the rest of the immediate family/close friends.

AGinForEachMakesThree Sat 04-Mar-17 09:55:50

Both times I've told DS1 as soon as We found out so 5/6 weeks.

Videog1rl Sat 04-Mar-17 09:58:59

I told my first as soon as we found out about number 2, at 6 weeks but he was only 2 and not able to pass the news on to others. It was a healthy pregnancy. Told my two about baby number 3 early on as well but had a missed miscarriage. My youngest is too young to understand but my 4 year old we have explained everything that has been happening along the way, as we like to involve him and didn't want to not be able to talk about it in front of other family and friends. I don't regret sharing the news early. I think it's good to not patronise children. It's surely a better way to introduce loss to children than buying a pet to die! People say we should talk about miscarriage more, but how will that happen if we continue to keep early pregnancy a secret. It's a personal choice whether to share or not and who with, you know the emotional intelligence of your child and whether if this pregnancy were to not be successful how that might affect them.

Ikeameatballs Sat 04-Mar-17 10:03:43

We told dd, who was 3.5 at the time, after 20 week scan, though I think she'd actually already worked it out.

sailorcherries Sat 04-Mar-17 15:16:32

I told my DS who was 6 when I was about 7 weeks. He tends to lie on my stomach a lot and can push his head in when trying to get comfy, so I had been stopping this and then had to explain why.

Thankfully he understood and didn't tell a soul until after the 12w scan, plus he also knew about some babies not making it because a friend of his had mentioned a miscarriage before and I told him about it.

Had we mc'd I'm not sure how he would have reacted, but I'd rather he knew because he would have picked up on our emotions regardless.

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