Negative thoughts

[WorriedAndCrazy]

Having a bit of bad day hoping someone will come along and be able to give me a kick up the backside :(

I had a miscarriage around 5 weeks almost exactly 1 year ago which wasn't picked up until my scan when I was almost 14 weeks. I had a bad feeling about this pregnancy from day 1 and the scan confirmed I was right. I then fell pregnant again in September and am now 27 weeks.

In the beginning I was a paranoid wreck I had reassurance scans at 7 weeks, 11 weeks, routine scan at 13 weeks and 16 weeks. I was also seen for reduced movements at 18 weeks (!) and again a few days after my 20 week scan. My anxiety was through the roof, I'd been referred to a maternity psychiatrist at 16 weeks but by the time my referral was processed and I received my initial telephone consultation I was 25 weeks and feeling better. I spoke to him on the phone and explained I was now at a stage where I was feeling a lot more relaxed and positive and didn't feel the need for the referral to go any further.

I had a private scan on Friday and was feeling great all weekend, finally bought some clothes etc, ordered my pram, generally felt really positive and excited. Until today. I can't shake the horrible feeling of doom. I feel like I can't be excited and something is going to go wrong. The fact I had this feeling when I had my MMC is making me worse and that maybe I can pick up on this stuff :(.

I just want to go back to feeling relaxed and excited. Is this normal? Do most pregnant women feel this way? Or does my bad feeling mean something. This is my 2nd baby and I was completely naive during that pregnancy and didn't worry at all.

[MajesticWhine]

It's not abnormal. But it's not normal either. Some people get really anxious around the perinatal period and not surprising after your experience. But you don't have to put up with it and you can get some help. It might be a good idea to ask for a referral again.

[Desperatedaisy]

I felt the same when I was pregnant, although I've had no losses I posted to mn because I was convinced it was mothers instincts. I was depressed and anxious through the whole pregnancy didnt help that I had an anterior placenta and ds was a lazy sod. I was referred to the mental health team when I was 23 weeks. I got my appointment through for a week before my dd but by that point ds was 3 weeks old as he was a month early.
I think most pregnant women feel anxious, some women can push their fears to the side but I know I certainly couldn't.
Is baby still moving regularly? If you are genuinely concerned then defiantly ring delivery suite/ maternity day unit. I was going twice weekly towards the end as my ds kicked once a week if that. They don't mind.
Ds is 6mo now and thriving, I have never felt better mentally however I'm still quite anxious and check hes breathing multiple times when he sleeps.

[JessieMillz25]

I am sorry to hear about your loss. A very traumatic one at that. You could be suffering ptsd? I too have struggled daily and wish I could be excited and happy. Every baby related activity I'm plagued with thoughts about what a bad memory it would become if the worse happens. I hate anyone talking about her 😭 Because I feel like a fraud or that the baby is made up and I'm imaging her! I love my baby so much and she is so wanted but I wish I could go an hour or two without thinking about her movements and just relax and be "me" again.

[WorriedAndCrazy]

MajesticWhine

Thank you, he did say to me on the phone that if anything changed then I could give them a call so hopefully I'm still on their system. I have midwife appointment next week so will speak to her about getting back in contact.

Desperatedaisy

Sorry to hear you felt like that it really is horrible :(. I have an anterior placenta too but I have felt movement since around 16 weeks and I have a very active baby but I can only feel her when I'm lying down. If I'm sitting up or on my feet then I'm not always certain whether I'm feeling definite movements and as soon as I get the chance I lie down to make sure she's still moving. It's mentally draining tbh. I felt like a I was feeling less movement this morning so called the hospital and by the time the midwife called me back 10 minutes later baby was kicking away so I didn't bother going in. I can't fault my hospital at all they are very reassuring and always give you the option of going in I feel very lucky as you read about people being made to feel like they're wasting time so I'm glad that I can call them at any time (which I'm sure I will most definitely will do at some point over the next 3 months!!).

I think this feeling may have came over me today as I had been reading up on how to count kicks/track movement with an anterior placenta and came across a sad story which I won't go into but sure you can imagine. Hopefully I'm just having an off day but if I'm still feeling this way by my appointment next week I'm definitely going to get back in contact with the mental health team.

[WorriedAndCrazy]

Jessie

Thanks, I don't think I'm suffering from PTSD but my experience has definitely had an impact on my mental health and I probably made a mistake by telling them I was feeling better. I know what you mean, it's only recently I've found myself actually being able to talk about the baby. I'm the same with movements I can feel her then half an hour later be panicking. It's hard work and takes away the joy of being pregnant.

Also Daisy I forgot to say my daughter is 5 and I still check she's breathing during the night. I don't think that's something that ever stops. Dread to think what I'll be like with a newborn baby.

[Helbelle75]

I've just started a very similar thread. I'm 34 weeks and have managed to mostly push aside my anxiety, but it's horrid when it appears. Had a very bad day today.

[WorriedAndCrazy]

Helbelle

I recognise your name, I'm pretty sure you gave me some advice at the beginning of my pregnancy when I started a thread about my anxiety. If you don't mind me asking is there a cause to your anxiety in pregnancy and has something triggered it today?

[Helbelle75]

I have general health anxiety anyway, due to a serious illness in my teens. The miscarriage last year is the big one though really.
And work triggered it today. A long and stressful day, had barely felt baby move and hormones came into play I think. Plus lack of sleep. Lots of factors that all got on top of me and I kind of imploded. Fortunately, our antenatal unit is fab and they were lovely.

[WorriedAndCrazy]

Oh I see. I've never suffered anxiety before so I can only imagine how much worse it must be for you. I think when you have a previous loss it's always going to affect your pregnancy .

I just read your thread, I see your a teacher. I can't even begin to imagine how stressful that job must be and then when you're not feeling baby it's no wonder you're feeling awful today. Sounds like you need a rest and some time out. Can you get signed off until your maternity leave starts?

[Patienceisvirtuous]

Hey OP.

I'm in a similar boat. Suffered health anxiety for years. Then had three miscarriages over three years - similar circs to you, missed - detected at dating scans. Am now 29 weeks and struggling awfully with anxiety. Am probably depressed too. Can't escape the dark/negative thoughts...

Sounds like, at least in your case, there is some support you can take up. I would maybe call the psychiatrist again?

Here's to brighter days x

[WorriedAndCrazy]

So sorry to read this I can't even begin to imagine how that must have felt 3 times over. Glad to hear you're now having a successful pregnancy it's no wonder you're feeling the way you are. I'm definitely going to get back in touch with the psychiatrist if I'm still feeling like this by the time I've had my midwife appointment next week. Has no support like this been offered to you?

[Helbelle75]

I have a MW appointment this afternoon worried, so I will see what they say.
I have had a meeting this morning about further adjustments so hoping that will see me through the next 2 weeks.

Have you spoken to your midwife patience, or the antenatal unit? I can't imagine going through it 3 times. I hope you;re ok.

[gigi556]

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Don't feel like you have to wait until your appointment next week. If you are having an off day call the psychiatrist, your midwife or your GP today. You haven't mentioned work, but if you're working, get signed off if you need to or feel it will help. The important thing is getting you through this in whatever way that works and delivering the baby safely to your arms and care. The antenatal appointment schedule with your midwife is the minimum you should be seen during your pregnancy. Hope you feel better soon. MH stuff can really suck but you will come out the other side!

[WorriedAndCrazy]

Helbelle hope your feeling a bit better today and your MW appointment goes well.

Gigi Thanks for your reply. I'm actually feeling better today so hoping yesterday was just an off day. I'm not working at the moment which unfortunately I think has added to the stress because I have too much time on my hands to think about stuff and worry and google. As soon as I got back from town today the first thing I did was have a lie down to feel her moving around but the feeling of dread I had yesterday has lifted so just going to take each day as it comes.

[Patienceisvirtuous]

Google is the devil. Many a time like every week I've ended up down a black pit of despair because of Google!

I have mentioned to my GP, antenatal unit and mw I'm really struggling with anxiety, they've all been pretty dismissive 'it's understandable with your history and it's an anxious time anyway' and that's about that. Haven't really had it in me to push. Anyway, am on the home stretch now and I have good support from DH and mum.

Glad you're feeling a bit better today OP :)

Hope the appointment went well Hel x

[flowerpower22]

I think it's perfectly normal to worry but having someone to help you control it would be beneficial mental health midwife could plug the gap a phone call or even on Mumsnet don't be alone in your worry
It's understandable given what you have already endured
Have you considered CBT from first step

[WorriedAndCrazy]

Hi flower thanks for your kind words. I really don't think I need anything look CBT. Think I was just having a down day yesterday and was worrying that the anxiety I had in the beginning was creeping back in. I do think I should have looked into it at the start though as looking back and thinking how I spent about 4/5 months worrying myself sick and I could have done something about it. If I feel myself becoming like that again then I'm definitely going to seek help I don't want the remainder of my pregnancy being spent as miserable as the rest has.

[WorriedAndCrazy]

Patience that's not so good you would think considering your history your MW/antenatal team would be more helpful. I actually feel like the midwives pushed me (not in a bad way) to realising I could be doing with some extra support. I feel very lucky with the antenatal team in my area they are very helpful. That's good you have the support of your mum and husband it helps having someone to talk to. You're almost there now it will all be worth it in the end.

[SillySausage1]

I could have written your post when I was pregnant, I felt exactly the same and had also experienced a missed miscarriage before my pregnancy (wasn't detected until my scan). Even now, 2 years later, my memory of that scan makes me want to cry. When i got pregnant again I was anxious all the time. I felt like I had an 'instict' that it was all going to go wrong again! Clearly that was nonsense because I gave birth to a totally healthy boy who is absolutely thriving. I often has very bad, anxious days, usually because I had read something online or had been alone for too long with my thoughts. I managed it by often going for private scans (I appreciate that I was lucky to afford this) as I found a place nearby that did them fairly cheaply. I found them incredibly reassuring (although was always terrified beforehand) and the sonographers were great about allaying my fears. In truth, it never really went away but it got less as pregnancy went on. I'm so sorry you are also having such an anxious time and don't ever feel guilty for asking for extra help or going to have a scan if you need it to help you relax.

[WorriedAndCrazy]

Sillysausage Sorry to read you had a MMC as well. I know what you mean I still find myself welling up when I think back to that day. I can remember it all so vividly what I was wearing, the words used, I can see the room clearly, remember the gut wrenching feeling. In a couple of weeks time it will be the 1 year anniversary of my scan and I don't know how I'm going to feel on that date. I can't believe it's been a year already it feels like a couple of months everything is still so fresh in my memory. But I have my baby girl to think about now it's all so bittersweet. I've had 6 scans already, 1 of these being private just last week. I'm going to now try and focus on the next time I see my baby being when she's born. It must be such a relief to have your son here I can't wait for that feeling.

I can't believe how many women have these feelings, it makes me feel better to know that I'm not going crazy (despite the username).

[Helbelle75]

Appointment was great thanks, baby and I are both perfectly healthy. I
The trigger is work, so I think i'my going to have to stop work next week at 35 weeks.