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Prenatal Depression?

(5 Posts)
BeaRulez Sun 26-Feb-17 15:09:25

I'm 21 weeks pregnant & feel completely lost. I would really like it if I had other mums to talk to. Please don't judge me for this post, or think I'm a bad parent. I'm really suffering and not sure where else to go.

It's easy to punish yourself for the mistakes you make. No matter how many times you tell yourself you're a bad person for making those mistakes, you just kind of wish someone was there to put their arm around you to tell you that they understand why you did it, everyone makes mistakes and everything will be ok. But most of the time that isn't what happens.

My head feels clouded about the future. Like no matter where I try to escape to, I'll always have the feeling of just not being good enough in my head. What if I always make these mistakes? I haven't felt this way in a while, and it's hard to come to terms with the fact I'm relapsing back into manic depression and anxiety. It wasn't something I saw coming, especially with a baby on the way.

Everyone tells you how you should be happy, because you have them. Don't get me wrong, I am, I am so delighted that she's living inside of me, that I can be her portal into a world that is mostly filled with such beauty. Books, music, nature, poetry, I want her to love everything good in the world. I know she will. I know she'll see the beauty in everything. But part of me feels like I don't deserve to be a part of her life. What if one day I make mistakes with her that I just can't take back? I feel scared. Part of me feels like when I bring her into the world, I should give her to her dad, and then go away, kill myself, she'd be better of without me. Thats a huge thought that is playing on my mind right now. An overwhelming feeling that she and everyone would be better off without me and my mistakes. That if I disappeared, if I died, everyone would have that peace that they want.

Part of me wants to stay right here, watch her grow up, write her poetry, teach her songs, show her unconditional love, show her art, take her to places that are so beautiful that it's almost impossible to be unhappy there. But I'm just so scared of the future. I feel so terrified. Where do I go from here? What happens? Every time I feel her kick I feel so lucky, like she's telling me she loves me and to stay here, with her, forever. But part of me is telling me that that isn't true, to not be so selfish to think that she's showing you she loves you, that she's simply just moving around. The love I have for her is so strong, it's something unexplainable. No words seem good enough to explain the love I have for my baby.

During my last relapse into depression, I sacked off everything, university, jobs, absolutely everything & I tried to kill myself. I ended up on a drip, in a psychiatric ward, and everything was so scary, I promised myself I wouldn't end up back there, or dead. I went back to university, I worked hard for it, even though it's so hard some days to even get out of bed. I can feel myself slipping back into that horrible, scary place. I haven't gone to work today, I haven't even let them know. I haven't done assignments I'm meant to be doing, I feel like whats the point in carrying on with everything if I'm going to be dead in 19 weeks? I'm so scared of my own mind. I don't want to die, but the depression makes me feel like I HAVE to. Like I have no option. I didn't want to end back up in this scary place, this scary mind set where I feel like I have no options.

Will this depression stick around? Will I always feel lost? Will my mind always be clouded? I feel like a failure for feeling this way, for making the mistakes I've made, it's my own fault that I'm completely alone and alienated from everyone I love and care about. I don't want her to ever feel this way.

For the next 19 weeks of being her life source, I'm going to try and take care of myself for her, and try to find reasons to live, beautiful things, go to museums, write poetry, make art, stay to myself and let the people I love have some space to breathe, away from me. I want to do that so bad, I want to just keep on, I want to be healthy and happy, but most of the time it doesn't seem like an option, especially being so alone.

Where do I go from here? I don't know. All I know is I love her & I need to fix myself. I hope that when she's born the universe will just click, everything will make sense, and I'll see why everything happened, and I can watch her grow into this powerful little bundle of joy, I can show her everything beautiful in the world worth being on the world for.

vfoster Sun 26-Feb-17 16:28:56

Hi, please don't feel bad about this post. Reaching out is the first step to feeling better.
I had PND after my first and that developed into GAD. After coming off the pill last August my anxiety really improved. Then I fell pregnant in October and it's coming back with a vengeance. I'm guessing mine is mostly related to hormones.
What you're feeling is valid and ok. Please don't just let yourself feel like this.
Can you speak to your midwife? Maybe print this off and show it to her? I told mine at my last appointment and she told me to go to the GP (not very useful) so be assertive and make sure they get you the support you need!
I'm 20 weeks today so due around the same time. If a chat on here is helpful there are so many people in a similar position.
Good luck xx

basicdetailss Sun 26-Feb-17 20:30:20

I will bump this up for you as lots of lovely ladies can give you better advice than me. I am so sorry you are going through this dark ordeal. I hope you can reach out to your gp/midwife/parents/friends/partner etc. Wishing you all the best flowers

HN42 Sun 26-Feb-17 21:53:17

This makes me sad to read, and I know how hard it can be feeling how you are, and it is so hard to pick yourself up when you're feeling so low, but its good that you can write down how you're feeling.

Maybe you could request some cognitive behaviour therapy? In some areas you can self refer but otherwise a GP or midwife should be able to help arrange a referral. I did a course of CBT last year to deal with something I was struggling with and it really helped me rationalise my negative thoughts and I guess sort of neutralise them if that makes sense, it's hard to describe.

Go easy on yourself. Your ideas to do those beautiful things to remind you why life is worth living sounds lovely, you should definitely make time to do those things if it you think it will help you to push those clouds away to help you find your inner sunshine again.

INeedNewShoes Sun 26-Feb-17 21:58:18

I'd have a chat with your midwife and GP. I've been struggling a little mentally too (I'm 29 weeks) - I think it's the hormones!

Do you know that 20% of women are thought to experience prenatal depression? It's a shame so many women have to experience it but it means that you are not alone in this. Your midwife and GP are used to helping people with this so please do talk to them. You don't have to battle through alone flowers

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