Pregnant and Boyfriend's parents clearly think i'm not good enough. LONG POST!!(28 Posts)
I'm just looking for advice really, sorry beforehand for a long post, I'm putting all the details in.
I got pregnant really soon into a new relationship, by soon I mean, it was the very first time we had sex and only a week into the relationship. I'll be giving birth or at least my due date is our 9-month anniversary. So yes, Very soon into the relationship.
Everything started off great with his family, but then after a few months, I began noticing things. Small things at first like even though his sister and her girlfriend got together around the same time as us, They liked her more, They would buy her gifts or no reason, or super expensive Christmas presents, they constantly would talk about how great she was etc etc which i don't care about presents, I'm just trying to paint a picture here.
The particular job I had when I got pregnant definitely wasn't one I could do in my later stages, and around the five months mark I had to quit, My boss was unprofessional and paid me less than minimum wage, made me use bleach without gloves, carrying heavy boxes and crates things like that. I had my parents and boyfriends support.
My boyfriend works full time, Monday to Friday 3am-2pm every day as a butcher. He likes treating me, Taking me to dinner every so often or buys me a gift or something like that. I've never been comfortable about people ''paying for me'' but he insists. He also likes to go out a lot on weekends and I go with him, But I normally only have a few Pepsi's all night.
Then his parents started making comments about money. And now he spends too much and needs to be careful, That eventually turned into outright claiming I use his money or make him spend it all on me, Saying I make him go out every weekend.. even though its to hang out with his friends in clubs.. and I cant even drink. Just before Christmas, His dad sends him a text saying something along the lines of ''Don't let Her spend all your money'' and it took a lot of offence to that.
I'd be invited to stay but then be made to feel uncomfortable by his families lack of boundaries, like going in the room when were not there to tidy up.. but his mum would do things like move my clothes.. touch my underwear that was in my bag, she walks in the room without knocking even when I'm changing and naked, Say I treat the house like a brothel.. even though me and my boyfriend don't have sex all that often etc etc.
I lay in bed at night, abe to hear them talking about me.
I've never been very social, I have never been, Mainly because I've spent most of my life alone, no friends, parents work all day every day so im home alone, things like that, So when my boyfriends not home, im comfortable just watching tv or writing or something to pass time till he is home. They see this as rude. I have been putting myself out my comfort zone and been trying to be more social but even that doesn't seem good enough. Yesterday they were cooking steak for dinner and know full well the smell of cooking meat atm just makes me feel beyond sick, So I ate upstairs, they were fine with this... until his mum came home and kicked off about it.
We went out last night, because they house just constantly smelled like cooking meat, and my boyfriends friend was in town and invited us for a drink, when we got home, HIs mum had done her usual trick of coming into snoop and tidy and even left a very nasty and vile note, Basically just saying I need to respect their house or go home, It's their house and if they don't like it, go home. At least three times said to go home.
I just feel so uncomfortable here.
I told my boyfriend today that I don't want to hime here anymore and he will have to come and spend afew days with me in my hometown every week instend. My boyfriend already has one child and his ex-refuses to let his parents see her I'm starting to understand why to be honest but I'd never do that. Our baby will be living with me 24/7 so My boyfriend can take the baby home for afew days or his parents can come down and take him out or something. I'd in no way stop his family from seeing their grandson.
I think It boils down to... They are rich and posh, Have a nice expensive house and I'm pretty much the opposite, I feel theydont think it good enough for their son and they has made it pretty obvious from other insidents that haven't been listed here. My boyfriend doesn't defend me when they upset me or blatantly disrespect me in front of him or otherwise. I understand partly, They're his parents, but I feel we have passed the point of ''letting it slide''. I don't want them driving a wedge between us.. but they kinda already are.
What they don't know if I was working six days a week before I quit my job and was only bringing home a very limited amount of money, but every single penny I earned, I spend on train tickets to travel and see my boyfriend. I lent a large chunk of money off my parents this Christmas just to buy him the things I know he wanted, I do everything I can for him. I even again lent money off my parents just to treat him to lunch and a nice date for Valentines day. But they clearly don't know that.
He had a girlfriend before me, and his mum keeps ''accidently'' calling me by her name, and then laughing as if its a joke.
I don't know what to do. Maybe its because I'm younger than him, i'm 21 and he is 31, maybe its money, that always seems to be brought up, maybe its something else. Maybe noone if good enough for their son, None of his ex's seems to be.
Again, Im sorry for a long post. Any advice?
They sound like my in laws! You have my sympathy...
My advice to you is to remove yourself from this situation completely. You don't have an inlaws problem, you have a boyfriend problem. He should be resolving this stuff upfront with his parents - it shouldn't even be reaching you.
My husband heads all of this type of bullshit off before it gets to me for the most part and if not, he is always automatically on my side and we have a good laugh about it afterwards. Unfortunately I can't say the same for my BIL and SIL and their marriage has been made difficult and strained because of all of the interference and bad behaviour of my ILs.
I might sound harsh here but I am tempted to ask what a 31 year old man with a good job is doing still living at home with his parents in the first place? Maybe it is time for him to think about getting his own place ready for when the baby arrives?
Does he still live with his parents?
Are you actually living there?
Can you not just go home?
In your situation, I'd just stay away
I would stay away from them. There seems to be a reason his ex wont let them see his daughter. If your not there then they cant upset you and they certainly cant have any sort of control.
If he is 31 can he not find his own place?
He's 31, lives with Mummy and already has a child with someone else.
He's not going to change now.
He needs to cut the apron strings and find you both a place to live for when you are a family. .
And he needs to start putting your feelings first.
Yes, he does still live with his parents, and even though he has a decent job, His parents do kinda control the fact that if he moves out they want him BUYING a house not renting as they see it as a waste of money so obviously atm, He can't afford to move out. But I would say, He fully supports his daughter though and has a decent relationship with her mum as do I.
We have talked about moving in together at some point in the future, But we are both fully aware that we are still very new. Yes, I got pregnant early and no it wasn't planned but I would appreciate no judgement on that fact as that isn't relevant to my post I just mean, even though big things are happening, We're still too new to move in together.
No, I don't live with him atm, But we see each other every single weekend and sometimes a week here-and-there. He either stays at my house or I stay here.
And Yes, I can go home, I'm going home tomorrow and won't be returning. It's for the best.
Thanks for the replies so far :D
I find it slightly odd you say you are too new to move in together, but not to have a baby together?
I'm not judging (DS1 was born on our 9 month anniversary - 4 weeks early) but we moved in together when pregnant and now 9 years later are married, have bought a house and have a second child.
What's going to happen when the baby is born then with regards to living arrangements?
He's at work atm and I'm home alone at his house. I had plans with his sister, but her and his mum went out early this morning and haven't gotten back yet. I messaged him on his break explaining my feelings and he said we can sit down when he gets home and talk about everything, Its a start, hopefully, He won't turn it into an argument. I don't mean to say anything that sounds disrespectful to his parents, I fully respect them. They're my elders, So hopefully, he won't take offence.
I don't believe in abortion. And he would never force me into. We decided to keep the baby and im happy we did. Obviously he isn't here yet, but knowing I have a son growing inside me is amazing.
I know it might come across as strange, but is it right to rush our relationship just because of pregnancy? I'd love to live with him, it would be amazing!! But I just don't think were ready thats all. :D x
Oh and the baby will be living with me, but like I said, I see my boyfriend every single weekend and most of the time in the week. We will be fine in regards of living arrangements :D
He is in his 30s and has his second child on the way. He needs to grow up and decided whether he rents or buys a house. I agree that it's early in the relationship and there's no hurry to rush things. I would concentrate on sorting yourself out, possibly getting your own place and then if the relationship develops further it will be a bonus. As you won't be living together I would make sure he offers proper financial support once the baby is here.
Try and see it from their point of view. Their 31 year old son already has one child they don't see. He meets you and in the first week you get pregnant, very shortly afterwards you quit your job and now your living in their home at times. They are probably very anxious and disappointed that their son is expecting a child with a second woman. They may even wonder if he's the father. It's not pleasant but it is understandable.
His parents have too much control over his life. I'm sure my parents wanted me to buy a house before I left home... What they mean is that they are don't want him to leave AT ALL.
I think you are doing the right thing leaving that home and not going back. I hope your boyfriend steps up for you.
I understand your post, and I appreciate the time you took to read and reply, but They don't have any doubts over the baby and if he is the father. My midwife and GP have confirmed the date of contraception was the weekend I was with him. They are excited about the fact they're going to have a grandson, which is why I wouldn't keep them out of his life.
As for quitting my job, It got to the point where I didn't have a choice. Apart from the things I had already mentioned there were more incidents, He refused to pay me more than five pounds an hour, but then hired a second employee which he didn't need because she then took all the hours and I was lucky to get an hour a day after that, His wife recently had a baby so he was shutting the shop early which cut into my shifts but refused to change my hours, He would get mad if I had plans in the morning, because I work in the afternoon, because he would need me with no notice. I had to be free pretty much all the time in case he needed me for work, again with no notice. He would refuse to let me have time off or change hours for doctors appointments and many more things. I do still work with my father and he pays me so it's not like I'm not working at all.
And I stay with them as much as my boyfriend stays with me. He only gets to see his daughter on Saturdays so sometimes it's easier for me to stay with him on weekends to get more time together.
Thanks again everyone who has replied so far x
I actually think if my in laws were hell bent on making me miserable in the way yours are, they would be going nowhere near my child. I would view them as a toxic influence and cut all contact. They have no rights over seeing a grandchild and tbh it doesn't sound as though it would be in the best interest of your child to facilitate contact. I feel that the ex may have realised that.
You really do have a boyfriend problem though. No self respecting man would allow his parents to treat his partner like this, especially when they are pregnant. At the end of the day, they can do what they like, they don't owe you anything. Your bf, however, should be doing so much more to stand up for you.
They said you treat their house like a brothel ?!
Bloody hell. That should be enough for you to walk out of their door and never ever step through it again. What are you doing there?
Honestly, I'm not going to lie, I have considered not letting them see him but it isn't fair. I know what its like for grandparents to not be aloud to see their grandchildren and its heartbreaking. If they ever spoke to him the way they speak to me, then I wouldn't think twice about cutting contact, but until then, its only fair to be open minded about it. I feel I'd be branded unfair for letting my own problems with them result in almost using the child as a weapon.. if that makes sense.
Yes, His mum said that to me. Just before Christmas only afew days after His dad sent the text when we were out with his friends, It was the final straw for me at the time, and for over a month I refused to come back, but my boyfriends ex girlfriend told him he would be aloud to take his daughter out for the day, but only if I was there with him. Otherwise he has to stay at her house to see his daughter. She's.. strange like that, But thats not for me to talk about so I won't say anymore on the matter. So I come here so he can have alone time with his daughter. Thats the only reason I agreed to come back. But things haven't changed with his parents so..
I'm just trying to do whats right.
OP, I think you need to man up (in the nicest way) ! After all - your going to be a mum.
They are rude, really really rude so theres no love lost gthere if you are rude back to them. They obv can see your a quiet, polite girl and are taking advantage.
I would guess that your DP's ex girlfriend basically had the attitude of " if you cant show me any respect then your not having access to my daughter" - I would say fair enough to the girl.
Why don't you nip it in the bud now and say the following, either through letter, to their face or through your DP: " If you continue to be rude to me and disrespect me then your not entitles to see my son. If you change your attitude then we will all get on great" and leave the decision to them.
Your DP sounds like a right coward (sorry) I imagine if pushed he would actually stick up for you (as your pregnant with his child)
Don't worry about appearing rudem your past that now OP- You hold all the cards not them. Tell them straight
Yes, woman up! Focus on your and the baby's housing and financial situation.
Your bf is tied to the apron strings. Pathetic.
Good decision to reduce contact with his parents.
You have no personal income, are unemployed, and are not married. Your bf could easily fail to financially support your DC, so you need a plan B.
The issues around his access to his DC1 are not your problem, and for him and his ex to resolve.
Not enough reason for you to spend time with his parents given their opinions about you and treatment of you.
I don't think that sounds weird of the ex at all. Sounds like she wants her daughter to see her father, but realises he, and especially his parents, are pretty toxic. Maybe she sees you as a witness / calming influence. Or maybe just a new target for the in laws so she and her daughter aren't targets. Either way, sounds like she is facilitating contact which makes me think he is a bigger problem than you are willing to admit.
He needs to move out from mummy and daddy's house. 31, two kids with two different women and living at home with parents. Doesn't sound like a catch to me at all. He needs to grow up!
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