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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Telling People

34 replies

emvy · 19/02/2017 16:26

My OH is adamant that he doesn't want anyone to know until 12 weeks minimum, which I get, but my mum is a midwife. As things stand at the moment, I've no idea how pregnant I am because of irregular cycles and I know my mum could get me a scan straight away. In a moment of weakness, I told my mum and she indeed is arranging me a scan and it's definitely put my mind at ease a little. However, my OH is fuming. I feel so guilty for letting it slip and feel terrible that I've disappointed him, but he can't see it from my side at all, that it's important I have someone to speak to and my mum was the natural place I turned to. I guess I'm just looking for some thoughts on this. How were your OH's with telling others? How should I tackle the now very frosty relationship I've created with my DP?!

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MissClarke86 · 19/02/2017 16:28

I think he's being unreasonable.

What's his reasoning for not telling until 12 weeks? If something were to go wrong, you would likely want support from your midwife mum anyway. It doesn't mean the rest of the world needs to know, it's one person, an expert in pregnancy and your mum. It's entirely up to you if you tell her!

MissClarke86 · 19/02/2017 16:29

I wouldn't humour his frosty demeanour, but I would be honest about your reasons and then tell him to like it or lump it. It's not all about him.

Nishky · 19/02/2017 16:33

Is your mum able to just arrange scans for friends and family?

You shouldn't have gone behind his back. We decided not to tell anyone until 12 weeks after a number of m/c. I wouldn't have gone back on the agreement without telling him.

user84637252772 · 19/02/2017 16:34

Your body your rules!

It's your Mum FGS not a public announcement on Facebook!

emvy · 19/02/2017 16:41

He doesn't really have a reason, just that it's early. I'm regretting not making it clearer to him before I told her that I needed to talk to her.

Nishky, it's not that, she's just able to pick up my form once it goes through and is also in a position to pay for us to have a private scan as well which we can't afford to do.

I'm feeling anxious about the possibility I could be 14 weeks pregnant and time is ticking. My OH doesn't seem to see the rush and thinks things will happen when they happen.

Thanks for your thoughts. It's good to know you're mostly in agreement that telling my mum is okay and those that are saying I should've respected his wishes - definitely feeling like I should've done that hindsight is a wonderful thing. Especially with these hormones flying all over the place!

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Blossomdeary · 19/02/2017 16:42

I know this situation the other way around. My DD and her OH had agreed not to tell anyone at the start and to do it together. She came to my place and her OH was not due to arrive for a couple of hours. Mother's instinct took over and I asked her if she was OK - I knew that something was up - she burst into tears and told me - it was unplanned, both telling me and the pregnancy! Her OH took it well that she had spilled the beans and realised that it was not her fault.

I think your OH will calm down - soon enough he will realise how important family are in this situation. Do not let this tiff spoil things for you. Congratulations!

Nishky · 19/02/2017 16:47

I just thought there might be a professional ethics issue in fasttracking your family..

In my experience pregnancy hormones do make you feel a bit vulnerable- tell him it was a moment of weakness

emvy · 19/02/2017 16:47

Thank you Blossomdeary, I do hope so!

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emvy · 19/02/2017 16:51

Oh no, I certainly won't be fasttracked, unfortunately, that would be nice if it was possible, ha! It just means she'll be able to keep an eye on my name popping up, whereas before, it felt like it was off into the system my mum was dealing with and she had no idea. I actually felt guilty that she didn't know!

I will do, thank you!

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mummabubs · 19/02/2017 16:55

I'm only 7+5 but both our families know. DH originally wanted to wait until 12 weeks too, but my little sister was flying out to Australia (with no return ticket!) when I was 5+6 and I felt really strongly that I didn't want to tell her by text or Skype call. After I told my family DH decided he wanted his family to know too as he didn't feel right with one side knowing and the other not. So even though we originally had different timelines in our head we tried to respect that we'd each be in control of when each side knew

emvy · 19/02/2017 16:59

That's a nice way of thinking about it mummabubs. I certainly don't plan on telling the whole world! I'm a talker so keeping it quiet from everyone has been really hard. He doesn't seem to understand that one person was necessary. Hopefully he will soon!

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mummabubs · 19/02/2017 16:59

And as others have said- it's your mum, not exactly like you told the world! I think as long as you don't mind the people you tell knowing if things don't work out then that's fine. Personally if I miscarried I'd want my family to know in order to offer support. It's your choice lovely x

emvy · 19/02/2017 17:03

The thing is, he said that if I miscarried, he wouldn't mind me telling those I felt I needed support from. He just doesn't seem to realise that with a first pregnancy, you also need support! I think maybe he just had a romantic vision of how we would give the news and I spoilt it

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Neverknowing · 19/02/2017 17:15

Tell him to shut it! You're the pregnant one and you wanted reassuring, pregnancy is scary and it's up to you when you tell your mum! He can wait to tell everyone else, I needed the extra support from my mum, you're growing an actual human being inside of you. Explain to him it's a stressful time and you need your mum (and him to stop being a grump!) congratulations on the baby

mummabubs · 19/02/2017 17:15

It's hard work first pregnancies isn't it.. (this is my first too!) With my family we always play a game when we're all together at dinner where we go round the table and say one bad thing and then one good thing about our day- so I deliberately went last and then just said "I'm pregnant"- cue mass shock! So for me that was my way that meant something to my family and felt lovely. My DH on the other hand with his family just waited til everyone was in the room and then just randomly said "we've got an announcement, she's pregnant". So I guess everyone has their own view of the best way to tell people! Your way with your mum was right for you at the time, don't let your husband convince you otherwise. He can decide how to let his family know 😊 xx

Neverknowing · 19/02/2017 17:19

Especially if it's your first pregnancy! It's a scary time and your body is changing. I really needed my mum and my partner I think it's selfish of him to add the extra pressure on you!! Also, when I was pregnant I thought I was way further along than I was, turned out I wasnt so don't worry too much

emvy · 19/02/2017 17:20

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling much better. I'm so over the moon about the pregnancy, I think he's still struggling to get his head around it a bit (we were ttc but I don't think he expected it to happen quite so quickly!) I'll let him wallow in his grump for the evening and hope that he wakes up tomorrow remembering how lucky we are!!

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SummerHouse · 19/02/2017 17:49

My OH left it to me when we should tell people. We waited till 12 weeks as that's what I wanted. But if he had told someone I would not have minded. I would have thought he was excited or wanted to talk it through with someone. Could there be something your DP is objecting to that you haven't thought of. Why is he mad? I think he is being mean.

emvy · 19/02/2017 17:57

He's still very cross with me. It seems he's not going to get past this anytime soon. He can't see that he's being unfair, all he's focused on is that I went behind his back. I'm not sure if there's anything more to it than that but it certainly seems quite an overreaction. I guess time will tell. Maybe there's more we need to discuss once he's calmed down!

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SummerHouse · 19/02/2017 18:00

He is lucky to have you and that your response is calm and measured and understanding. He could learn a thing or two from your generous reaction to him. I would have been crying by now I think.

emvy · 19/02/2017 18:07

Ah thank you SummerHouse, very kind words! I'm shutting myself away in the bedroom so I can finish my work away from his negative vibes!

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MrsG30 · 19/02/2017 18:36

I hope he comes around soon Emvy! I think he's being unreasonable myself and you need to do the right thing for you. It sounds like he's just focusing on the worst thing - "going behind his back", not why you told your mum. He might also be upset that your mum found out before his. We want to tell both sides at the same time so it's fair, and I'd be peeved if my DH told his mum before mine.

I'm only 3+3 so very early days (found out this morning!) and apart from telling a whole website of strangers , I've told one close cousin, who is a midwife. DH and I have talked and agreed to tell certain people prior to docs confirmation even (me with my cousin, him with his closest friend). If our pregnancy turns out to be a chem or I have an early miscarriage, we'd both need external support, as well as each other.

I'm going to test again at the weekend, then visit the doctor next week. We're then planning to invite our parents and siblings over on the Friday (day before DHs 30th!) and tell them altogether.

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emvy · 19/02/2017 18:44

Thanks MrsG30. That sounds like a lovely way to do things! Good luck with your pregnancy! I honestly wouldn't have survived without mumsnet over the past week, I think I'd have ended up telling a whole bunch of people otherwise!

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haveacupoftea · 19/02/2017 18:54

Tell him to fuck off, if he was literally growing a human he would want support from his mum and a scan if possible. Is he usually this controlling and huffy?!

Babyblues14 · 19/02/2017 19:16

I started to get really depressed because i hadn't told anyone. My DH knew but he works a lot so I felt like I was on my own. Told my mum and sister pretty early but no one else will know until my first scan in two weeks. He needs to meet you in the middle. I agree everyone shouldnt know but surely the people closest to you should so you have someone to go for comfort when things get rough. My first trimester has been a nightmare. Can't wait for the second to come.
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