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Does your DH/DS have favourite grandparents?(28 Posts)
I'm 10 weeks pregnant and we have told both sets of parents they are going to become Grandparents.
When I told my parents I went home feeling really happy and excited.
When I told DP's parents (his mum in particular) I went home with about 100 worries and a feeling of dread.
All she went on about is all the money she is going to spend on her grandchild. My parents are really strapped for cash.l and won't be able to match that.
I'm just worried my child will like DH's parents more and it will break my heart.
My question is does your DD/DS like seeing one set of grandparents but not the other?
The thing about children is that they are very accepting. So for example my DC know that Granny worries about being late (hence arrives everywhere far too early) and Nanny is v strict about table manners and they just accept that as part of who they are. I'm not saying that children never have favourite grandparents, but I think it's more likely to be based on who is engaged lovingly with them, not on who buys expensive gifts.
Children like to be played with. I am the oldest in large family so lots of little ones after me and really without fail all of them preferred playing outside/a board game etc to a really expensive toy. Of course kids like getting 'stuff' but in my experience they really do like people spending time with them and playing, which I am sure your parents will do. Good luck!
My worry is my DH's mother will prefer her other grandchild to this one as my SIL is favoured massively over my DH. Still, thats for another thread!
Children prefer the people who spend time with them. In my experience that tends to be maternal grandparents as Mum tends to hang out at their parents when on maternity leave.
Financially, my DPs and PILs are world's apart. The dc of course understand that Nanny lives in a much smaller home than Grandad. That's about it really as far as they are concerned.
We liked both sides equally. Grandad on one side used to buy us lovely gifts & cake & chocolate when we went to his house. We were his only grandchildren.
Granny & Grandad on the other side had a very busy house, loads of kids / grandkids & no money. We loved being in their house & Grandad's massive bag of pick'n'mix was never off limits!
I just don't think that were aware of money at that age. We loved them as people.
Oh and to answer your question, the dc prefer to spend time with the GP who makes more of an effort with them. Just so happens, she lives in the much smaller home.
I would say my older DS probably prefers DH parents. They are more involved when he visits - playing with him, baking, gardening, colouring etc. Where as my parents tend to sit back and observe. That's not to say he doesn't enjoy time with my parents. It had nothing to do with material possessions and how much they may or may not give him.
I was much closer to my mum's parents than my dad's as I spent more time with them.
DD is close to both sets of grandparents but it more relaxed with some than others (one from each side): these are the ones that play with her and are happy to be a bit silly/take an interest in her imaginary games, etc.
My kids prefer my parents becuase they spend quality time with them ie drawing pictures, bike rides, watching films, baking etc.
I don't think what they are bought bothers the kids that much as they don't understand money (assume everything is free)
So I wouldn't worry.
Let them buy loads- saved you money
Ds1 has a favourite grandparent his papa he adores him because he plays with him talks to him and does things like cooking with him. He loves them all but his papa is the favourite hands down. Papa is very careful with money and it is rare for him to spend much the things they do are free but ds loves it. The funny thing is its actually dh's mums partner so he's not technically a grandparent but ds couldn't care less.
Oh I should add he is least close to my dad who takes him out for meals and buys him toys regularly. My dad probably doesn't know the first thing about ds1 despite him spending time around him.
Should say, DD is really too young to be aware of material difference between her grandparents (one set are significantly better off than the other). By the time she's old enough to be aware of it, relationships have been formed so I don't think she'd be swayed by material things (although, conversely, it's the less well off set of grandparents that tend to go over the top with presents at Christmas/birthdays).
I had a favourite grandma growing up. And it wasn't the one who spoiled us with gifts and cash three times a year when we went to stay. It was the one who lived in the next village and saw us every week. She gave us small gifts and bags of penny sweets and lots of hugs.
DS (8) adores my mum. She is his favourite person in the world. Although she lives 6 hrs drive away, we spent a lot of time with her on mat leave and they have a really lovely bond. She is a very kind, nurturing person, loves children and babies and is very warm and living. She hasn't got 2 pennies to rub together, and has never showered the dc in gifts, just love, affection
DH's parents are much better off, although still 3 hrs away. They don't really "do" children. They are not really that affectionate. Very stoic and practical, but not warm and cuddly. The dc do like them, but the deeper love is with DM.
My DC prefer my parents. DH parents were not particularly interested in our children, so the feeling became mutual.
I honestly don't think money enters into it at all. It will be how the grand parents interact with their grandchildren that counts.
DD loves both sets of grandparents equally. MIL is much more likely to buy her little things when they're out and make cakes with her and let her eat more of them than I would. My parents get her to help with little jobs and rarely buy her anything outside of Christmas and birthdays. They pay for her ballet lessons but that wouldn't mean anything to a 3yo. Both sets of GPs give her their total attention when they're with her, and she adores them for it. Buying presents doesn't change anything for her, they do things differently but both love her just as much and she gets that.
By the time your dc are old enough for the money/lack of money to sway them (if it ever does), their relationship with their grandparents will be long established. They will love any grandparents who are kind, spend time with them and are good at talking to or playing with young children.
My dc have always loved both sets of gp. I wondered if MIL would come out on top because she's been a Brownie leader all her adult life and is massively energetic and brilliant at entertaining kids. But actually, my dc have always been just as happy to sit and draw with my DM or be read to etc.
It won't be about who spends the most money on them, I promise.
My daughter (3) is lucky enough to have four very doting grandparents, and while she loves them all, she's certainly more comfortable with my parents. MIL is mad about her and showers her with gifts constantly; she's the only grandchild on that side of the family. But, maybe because of this, the time she spends with her is always very intense; MIL is constantly 'at' DD, trying to show her different things, speaking to her in a very loud, excited voice all the time... it's exhausting
for me, and sometimes it's just too much for DD. My parents, who have several other GCs (and don't spend the same amount of money on her as MIL), are just more relaxed around her - they love to play with her and read to her, but they will leave her alone if she's doing her own thing. And she responds really well to this.
My DP's mum is a housewife so she will probably look after our child the most when I go back to work.
When we go round to see DP's cousin aged 10, I'm the one who sits down and plays with her and I love it and she tells me how I'm her favourite everyone else (DP's parents included) sit around drinking and chatting.
I enjoy playing with her and being able to switch off listening to DP's mum talking absolute crap
MY DS adores my dp it's the time they give him and the little token sweets and biscuits. My ex's mother buys him mags but makes zero effort to make the most of seeing DS. It's not about what someone can give but the time and effort they spend.
My dd1 is very lucky to have two sets of very involved grandparents. I don't think she favours either but is very close to my mum. She loves spending time with her other grandma though. Agree with pp it's about the time spent. Mil spent a lot of time during my pregnancy with dd1 that she 'has to be the favourite grandma'. It's frustrating because it's so petty. But once the lo arrives you will see that kids can't be manipulated by stuff.
Don't be silly. Unless you raise your child as a spoiled brat, they're not going to have a preference based on which grandparents spend more money on them!
Mine do - it's my mum without a doubt but that's because she spent lots of time playing with them when younger( board games, playing 'shop', reading, rhymes etc etc) & nothing at all to do with money.
Now they're getting older, she still plays but it's darts & table football & table tennis & watching them ride their bikes / timing them when doing running races etc (as she can't join in with that stuff!).
Whereas when the other grandparents visit, they don't really interact but just drink tea (& treat our house as somewhere to hang out with adults rather than spend time with the DCs).
Therefore I agree with the others - it's nothing to do with money or even how often you see someone but everything to do with the quality time spent together.
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