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My Dad has died and I'm lost

(21 Posts)
0EatSleepTeachRepeat Thu 16-Feb-17 21:38:31

I'm 18 weeks and on Monday my Dad died. He was diagnosed with leukaemia last year (9 days before my wedding) and was doing well but suddenly developed complications and died early Monday morning.

I am distraught. So concerned what all this stress is doing to the baby and feel so alone. My husband has been amazing but my mother has been horrendous. They'd been divorced decades but it's like it's all about her. She hasn't even spoken to me properly.

I need to be calm and positive for baby and just cannot.

Sorry for the long rant but I feel as though I've no one to talk to other than my husband who is grieving too as they were very close.

sad

Singingforsanity Thu 16-Feb-17 21:46:29

I'm so sorry, that must be so tough. No real advice but here's a hand to hold. You can talk to us about your Dad and how you feel. Were you close to him?

DesignedForLife Thu 16-Feb-17 21:49:24

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

First of all don't worry about the baby, it will be fine. Many women experience major stress in pregnancy (I know I did) and the babies are fine.

I know it's cliche but take one day at a time, focus on looking after yourself and your precious bundle, and really try and do what you can to relax and nurture yourself. Are you working at the moment? If so are you able to take compassionate leave to give yourself a bit of time?

Maybe try to cool things off with your mother for a bit, keep contact low and give yourself some time.

Mungobungo Thu 16-Feb-17 21:56:33

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad last June suddenly and it's just awful.

Please try not to worry about the effect of stress on the baby. Stress can't be avoided in this situation and worrying about it and any unknown potential effect on baby will only make you feel worse.

Unfortunately death brings out the worst in people and my advice for you would be to avoid your mum if you can for a while or to try and just let her drama go over your head. The way that she chooses to behave and show her grief has no bearing on how you feel.

All I can say to you is that the hurt will fade in time, but it will flare up when you're least expecting it at times too. When it's there, feel it, cry, scream, hibernate if you need to, but don't forget that life will also hold moments of joy too and when it does, feel it and don't feel guilty for it.

Grief is so isolating. My DH was amazing when my dad died, having been through it with his mum, but I just felt like he didn't hurt in the same way as I did right then, and that is really lonely, but talking can and does help when you're ready to do it.

Talk about your dad to us. He's important. Tell us about him.

0EatSleepTeachRepeat Thu 16-Feb-17 22:09:56

Thank you all.

Dad was my best friend. Same stupid sense of humour (DDDH he named it... Daddy daughter dipshit humour)

He was a very intelligent man who I could ask anything and also the biggest joker. He was a highly decorated army officer until he retired about 15 years ago and champion chicken breeder most recently.

I feel like he's the only person other than my husband who truly understands me. So I am lost.

twinnymummy16 Thu 16-Feb-17 22:18:22

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wondered if you know the sex of your baby and maybe you could name or middle name the baby after him? Or if a girl a girly version. When my father in law died we wanted him to be a part of our new family that he sadly also didn't get to meet which makes us sad all the time but we still wanted to make sure he was a part of it anyway.... also leukaemia! We also make sure the kids know who he is by keeping photos of him and getting them to recognise him. My daughter always says 'that's my grandad' it's sweet and makes us happy that she knows who he is. I hope it helps xx

Singingforsanity Thu 16-Feb-17 22:52:38

He sounds like a great man, DDDH made me smile. Re: you feeling lost... I fear I will feel the same when my Gran dies. However just as she really understands me, I really understand her, so I can reliably guess her reaction to basically anything. I think knowing what her reaction would have been to things will help, sort of like having her there talking to me in my mind. Sorry if this is not much help, I've not lost anyone close before, but worry about losing my poorly DGM.

nurseblonde Fri 17-Feb-17 02:08:28

May angels lead him in OP. Thinking about you, and your family. I wish I could help more. X

Imavinoops Fri 17-Feb-17 02:31:27

Hello OP

I just wanted to throw in my support also.
My Dad passed after in October just before I was 20 weeks pregnant (now 37 weeks)
It was very very upsetting, he was so excited to meet his first granddaughter (not that he knew she was a girl at the time!) but sadly it wasn't meant to be. Obviously our experiences are similar what with timings and everything. I was worried about stress on baby too but she is doing fine despite all the chaos a few months ago. They are very resilient little things.

I would just try to take each day as it comes, every day is a new one and I'm sure your Dad is keeping a watchful eye on you and baby in these difficult days.

Something my Mum and I have found useful is not to rush things too much. We sorted out a few of his things but haven't really done the bulk of it yet (he was a avid collector of anything and everything!), choosing to rather leave it until our baby is born. We see it as no big rush really and it seems to be helping.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Fri 17-Feb-17 02:49:13

Oh OP flowers

I am so sorry for your loss.

My DDad died 18 months ago now and I miss him every day. He was my biggest fan and I could do no wrong in his eyes. I miss the person he saw in me, no one else (not even DH) looks at me like that.

There is a long running thread in Bereavement - support for anyone who has lost a parent. I haven't been there for a while but it was so helpful to me. Check it out when you are ready. The posters on it are wonderful.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

0EatSleepTeachRepeat Fri 17-Feb-17 22:14:13

Thanks all. Keeping me going xx We find out sex two weeks today so that little ray of sunshine is keeping me going.

Tonight's problem- eaten something that's made me so ill! (Evil aunt's cooking I think... chicken looked suspicious) Diarrhoea twice (sorry tmi!) So feeling rough as! sad

Lunalovepud Sat 18-Feb-17 10:52:19

So sorry for your loss OP. flowers

I lost my dad 10 years ago this year and it is devastating... The family drama afterwards is sadly inevitable, grief brings out the worst as well as the best in people.

If you want to cry, cry. If you want to talk about him for hours then do it - don't hold anything in or try to be brave.

Just make sure you look after yourself and put you and your baby first. It might put other people's noses out of joint but they'll get over it in time.

I named my son after my dad - he was born 8 years after he died. He looks like him and they have some of the same expressions and mannerisms. My dad's friends are always commenting on how similar they look. I always felt that he was never really far away and having my son has made me feel like my dad never truly went anywhere!

Good luck with your pregnancy and take special care of yourself.

Singingforsanity Sun 19-Feb-17 00:28:43

Checking in to see how you are OP? x

0EatSleepTeachRepeat Sun 19-Feb-17 03:17:34

Ummm... sad, numb, angry. Big horrible mixture of them all. DH is back here Monday and I can't wait (we live 400 miles away). Off work next week regardless as it's half term but don't know what to do about going back. Going back to "normal" seems impossible. sad xx

Singingforsanity Tue 21-Feb-17 23:38:53

Hope you've had a better day with your DH OP. That all sounds pretty normal. Shit, but normal. sad

That's good you've got half term off, but maybe getting back to a routine afterwards might help? Everyone and every situation is different but I know this helped me after my miscarriage. If not can you get time off easily enough?

0EatSleepTeachRepeat Wed 22-Feb-17 19:44:48

DH drove up a day early and arrived Sunday night to support me. 8 hour drive so feel quite loved!

Dad's funeral was today. Sis and I managed to read his eulogy, fairly proud I didn't fall apart. Think I will once I'm in my own home and away from the stressful family dynamic.

Again thanks for all the lovely comments. Nice to be able to vent without worrying who I'm going to upset!

Singingforsanity Wed 22-Feb-17 21:47:14

Wow, well done for being able to read the eulogy! I think I'd end up falling apart, I'm rubbish at funerals, even if I'm not close to the person who died. At least when you get home you'll be better able to deal with things in your own way, even if that includes falling apart a bit. Glad your DH is being so supportive smile

Charlieislovely Thu 23-Feb-17 13:12:46

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and reading your words about your dad brought tears to my eyes.

Can't possibly imagine what you're going through right now, but it will get better x

0EatSleepTeachRepeat Fri 24-Feb-17 12:08:25

Have to say hubby is being amazing . Soooo nice to be home! Took 8 and half hours to drive home but god I was happy to get through my own front door! Spent the morning cleaning and pottering about which has been nice (I'm weird I know!) some friends are calling in to see me later and it'll be nice to be around people who don't seem to hate me like the evil aunt was acting! Again big thanks for all the kind words. Hope you are all well x

FrannySalinger Fri 24-Feb-17 12:18:22

I'm so very sorry for your loss. My own darling dad died when I was pregnant and i remember what a truly hideous time it was. It really does get easier, I promise you. I also delivered the eulogy at my dad's funeral - it felt like the last thing I could do to make him proud of me. I'm sure your dad would have been very proud of you. Do take care of yourself x

PerpetualStudent Fri 24-Feb-17 12:24:32

I'm so so sorry for your loss.
I lost my dad totally out of the blue when my DS was 4 months old and it was devestating. He had also split from my mum a while ago and she was hard to handle around the funeral. So I really feel for you
I'm glad you're home and getting lots of support. Just take it day by day, there will be a time when you can think of him with smiles instead of tears, I promise x

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