Talk

Advanced search

Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.

Struggling after miscarriage

(15 Posts)
Cocoabean25 Mon 13-Feb-17 22:32:58

Don't want to scare any mums to be but I didn't know where else to write.

I had a miscarriage 5 and a bit weeks ago now when I was nearly 2 months pregnant. I had symptoms before I officially found out so kind of knew what was going on and then had time to build a bond. I am absolutely devastated to have lost my baby and feel so useless and alone. I feel like I should have done more to try and save the baby, like rest when I started to bleed, but I didn't and I can't help think that if I had rested I might still be pregnant.

I miss my baby everyday and would do anything to have them back. I'm so heartbroken because they have been taken away and I know there's nothing I can do to get them back.

The dad is being supportive but we weren't officially together so I feel like he should just get on with his life and leave me to it, which I'm scared he will actually do. He says he's proud of how well I'm doing, that I'm a wonderful person and this situation has brought us closer than he ever could have imagined but I think I'm pushing him away by being so upset all time and needy.

I am having some better days but I thought I would be feeling better by now and I'm sure everything thinks I should be over this. I'm definitely an overthinker which doesn't help the situation!

It feels like the world has been turned upside down and although I'm at work and doing normal things inside I feel absolutely ripped apart.

Blossomdeary Mon 13-Feb-17 22:39:37

Your world has been turned upside down and it is a painful time for you just now. Miscarriages are very common indeed and there will be many posters in here who will truly understand how you are feeling. Give it time, your hormones are still all over the place. I know that soon you will be feeling better - not that you will forget - but you will feel less emotional and be ready to truly pick up the threads of your life.

SunnyDayDreaming101 Tue 14-Feb-17 10:05:26

How you are feeling is normal and it takes time, a lot of time. I am coming up on 10 months and I still think about it but the tears have stopped, I'm 6 months pregnant now and still mourn my first.

I was off work for 4weeks and needed some private counselling to help me through. Please go and speak to Someone, your family, friends and DP are all too close, having a trusted impartial professional to help you work through it is worth its weight in gold.

flowers

Cocoabean25 Tue 14-Feb-17 21:10:49

Thanks for your replies. It is a really horrendous time and I've never felt so heartbroken. I have thought about counselling and think that is a route I'll go down as I can see no other way through this. I have started to have days where I don't cry but finding this week especially difficult as I would have had 3 month scan this week 😞 Feels like one thing after another is hitting me at the moment xxx

Helbelle75 Tue 14-Feb-17 22:52:59

You're not on your own. Please keep talking on here - there is a miscarriage and pregnancy loss board as well which is really supportive.
I had a mmc last year at 10.5 weeks. I was 40 and it was a much wanted pregnancy. I was beyond devastated. I don't think anyone can truly understand unless they've been through it. I had to have a month off work, became very insular and my world seemed to have come to an end.
I went to cruse bereavement counselling which was very helpful and we have a memorial rose to our baby bean in the garden, which I talk to all the time.
I'm now 7 months pregnant, lucky enough to conceive again fairly quickly, but it has been difficult emotionally, particularly around baby bean's due date.
The dad sounds lovely, take the support if he's offering it.

mnpeasantry Wed 15-Feb-17 04:15:32

I'm so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is indeed very common but doesn't mean it's not devastating and lonely.
Please know that you couldn't have done anything. It wasn't your fault and there are a number of reasons why it could have happened but very unlikely to be down to stress, activity, etc.

I suffered two mc a few years ago now and now have 2 gorgeous DC. I still think about my little babies that weren't to be. For me the pain has subsided and I comfort myself knowing that I wouldn't have my lovely DC if I hadn't had my losses and to not have my DC is unthinkable.

The dad sounds wonderful. It is often hard for the fathers to understand or support.

Good luck op

Chinnygirl Wed 15-Feb-17 04:55:22

I'm so sorry you lost it.

Once you started bleeding having a rest wouldnT have helped. At this stage of pregnancy it wasn't alive anymore which is why it started bleeding. There is nothing you could have done to keep it. Do not blame yourself.

Give yourself time to grieve.

Cocoabean25 Wed 15-Feb-17 18:51:42

Thanks for all your replies. Just feeling really sensitive at the moment and if anyone says something which could be taken the wrong way then I'm overreacting. Need to be careful so I don't push anyone away but I'm definitely emotional so not thinking straight xxx

jld128 Wed 15-Feb-17 22:06:45

i'm so so sorry for your loss i had a mmc in june last year and excuse the language but i can honestly say it was the sh1ttest time of my life and i am still not recovered from it although coping better it's never far from my mind so what you are feeling is completely normal and expected so don't let anyone tell you otherwise? you will never get over it but it does get easier to cope with lots and lots of love just please go easy on yourself xxx

Cocoabean25 Thu 16-Feb-17 22:13:00

I don't think the feeling of loneliness is going to pass easily. I remember watching Bridget Jones's Baby (when I was still pregnant - couldn't watch that now) and she said something about no longer feeling alone as she has miniature miracle growing inside her and I can completely relate to that! Even though the baby was so tiny they were like my little sidekick and were always there keeping me company. Now they've gone I feel so alone. It doesn't matter who I talk to because I still feel alone. Will this feeling ever pass? It doesn't help that I would do anything to have the baby back in my tummy because I miss them so much.

queenofshihtzus Thu 16-Feb-17 22:32:20

I had two MMCs, 2006 and 2007. First one was a twin pregnancy. I had a dc through ivf previously so as these were naturally conceptions I thought I'd struck gold. I was absolutely devastated. I thought I'd never have another and I wanted a baby badly. DD was born a year later, again, naturally conceived.

Miscarriage is very common but a very painful time. I too felt terrible guilt that I was to blame for the loss of my babies. I now know that nothing I did had any bearing on the outcome. I accepted this eventually but it is a grieving process. I haven't forgotten though, I still remember on their respective 'due dates', I remember the day they would have started school etc always in my heart.

Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up, it was nothing you did. flowers

nurseblonde Fri 17-Feb-17 02:31:12

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. We are all here for you!

I've had two miscarriages, both at 6 weeks. One in January 2015 (literally just got married!) and I didn't know I was pregnant. Horrendous period, felt very poorly. Weirdly I coped fine, and we put it down to because we weren't trying to have a baby, we didn't have our hopes up. I was upset, but we coped.

Second was March 2016. Once again heavy bleeding, feeling dizzy. Took myself to A&E as I was in the middle of shopping in Nottingham and told it was an unviable pregnancy and had to have a D&C. It broke me. We had been trying since Nov 2015.

I can not explain how I felt. I felt disgusting and unclean. So so so so angry. My husband was amazing; he had a few slip ups like pointing at a cute toddler or asking to see Zootopia at half term, but otherwise he was supportive as he could be. Others... not so much.

One manager at work told me that I shouldn't be so upset as "it's not a real baby anyways". I was badgered daily on when I was returning to work by upper management. (I'm a nurse). I kept it private (only a few people knew) & one manager did ask for people not to contact me. That didn't happen.

I couldn't sleep at all, cried endlessly. Always was bleeding which didn't help. In about 6 weeks, 4 friends announced they or their wives were pregnant which was so hard. I explained politely that I will have not talk to them for a while and distance myself. Weirdly the male friends were amazing and supportive while the female friends weren't so much. One of them would send me scan pictures or baby clothes pics; yes I knew she was excited but a little compassion would have been nice.

In May, My lovely parents took me back to their home in Norfolk for a few days which really helped; got me out of the house, got me to talk about it and helped me make some decisions.

First decision was to be open and honest. I texted/made an FB post and told people to their faces "we lost a baby". I'm such an exceptionally private person but the support I got was amazing. Saying it loud helped me and a lot of my friends told me it had happened to them too, and how they coped. Husband told his work team and took a week or so off.

Second decision was to not return to my place of work. I had been signed off work for 6 weeks, but they lost the sick note, would ring me endlessly, email, text... I hated the place anyways so I applied for a new role in a new town, and handed in my notice.

Third decision was constant communication with my husband, our family and our friends. If I felt shit, I said. If the sound of a baby crying upset me, I'd walk away. I couldn't watch TV shows with pregnancy in (I think Big Bang theory had a pregnant lady in so husband would never watch while I was at home) so I'd do something else. I also "communicated with myself" and kept a diary, even if it was just a grade out of 10 how I was feeling.

Fourth decision was that when we felt right, we would try again.

We are pregnant now with our little boy and it's nearly a year on. I was offered very little to no support from my GP and the hospital following my miscarriage, and some days I felt like I was inside out and a failure as a wife, woman, and daughter. Surround yourself in positive things, do what makes you feel right and good and be open and honest. Good luck.

Cocoabean25 Sun 19-Feb-17 12:49:45

I've also had more support from men I've told compared to females which I'm quite surprised about. I'm usually such a strong person so thought I would be getting through this sooner but it's completely broken me. I feel like curling into a ball and crying all the time which I know won't do any good 😥

nursebickypegs Sun 19-Feb-17 13:12:16

(I've had a name change, I was nurse blonde!)

I am so sorry cocoabean. If you want to crawl up into a ball and have a sob, then do so. Do what you think is right, but carry on communicating and talking with everyone.

My two guy friends who were having babies were amazing, and still continue to be. The women I don't speak to anymore and they don't speak to me. When I was on holiday in July, one sent me a bump photograph. I was a bit tipsy, bit angry, and asked her "PLEASE don't send me stuff like this" and she told me to get over myself. I can't be dealing with negative energy.

Cocoabean25 Sun 19-Feb-17 13:34:26

Negative energy also feels worse because of already feeling weak and vulnerable. Things have also become extremely complicated between me and my partner so can't look to him for support anymore. I phoned samaritans last night because I got to the point where I couldn't cope anymore.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now