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12wk scan was surreal and fatherhood is starting to scare me

(10 Posts)
Gregwar Fri 10-Feb-17 11:08:59

We had our 12 week scan the other day and I was totally taken back by it. It's a bit shit going through the notions. TMOMC (I have to write that since you all hate me writing BM) has been through this all before and obviously doesn't react to things the same way I do since it's my first child.

Obviously at the 8 week scan, the baby was just a little blob, but to go to the 12 week scan and see the baby with all it's fingers and it's feet and little arms and legs, and to see it stretching around and moving was so surreal. I had a little moment to myself where my relaxedness towards having a child was beginning to disappear. I managed to get control of it but with the situation between me and TMOMC somewhat getting worse, I began to panic and wondered if I've actually got what it takes to be a dad. I suppose I should take what everyone tells me more to heart when they say I'm gonna be a good dad. I think the side of parenting that people don't talk about when it comes to being a dad, is what scares me. The provision and the time management....I suppose just finance really. And since me and TMOMC are looking to coparent (you wouldn't believe how much it hurts to say that word), I worry that I'm going to miss out on a lot, I worry that I'm not going to be there when I'm needed the most.

I'm only 12 weeks in and already starting to feel a bit of anxiety.

Ohyesiam Fri 10-Feb-17 11:32:55

When you day co patent, do you mean live separately?
It's good that you have written here, because you need to air these feelings, or they Just sit inside you and grow. Is there anyone you can talk to IRL?
You are right, it's really tough being a patent, as well as beautiful, life affirming, and a joy.
Nobody gets it 100% right ( although you wouldn't know it from looking at facebook....) And it's a balance of working with your weak points, and cutting yourself some slack. You've for some months, so start now, of you don't think you earn enough, look for ways to boost that, and id be surprise if there's not a dozen self help books on time management.
Keep talking, though maybe not yet to your bm, if it will be antagonistic. But it's good you realise what a huge thing patenting is, let your anxiety lead you towards the things you need to look at in yourself, and you will make a good dad.
Best of luck

Gregwar Fri 10-Feb-17 11:46:09

Cheers man. Yeh that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to let my fears fuel my focus. I have a lot of other things I'm trying to do at the same time before the baby comes so I'm burdening myself really. Living in London can really add to that too.
And yeh, by coparenting, I mean that me and TMOMC aren't together.

Foggymist Fri 10-Feb-17 12:21:53

What are the abbreviations you're using? Are we supposed to be familiar with another thread?

EpoxyResin Fri 10-Feb-17 12:43:24

Foggy it's "the mother of my child" as opposed to "birth mother".

OP, what I will say is you can only parent the actual child you have in the circumstances you have them. There's no point losing sleep thinking about how parenting in your very real situation may compare with fantasy parenting the imaginary child you may have had in another life. All you can do is take each event, opportunity and set-back as it comes and try and be the best parent you can in that moment; and that won't be any worse for you co-parenting as it will be for many other parents out there, so don't worry too much.

Some people get lucky and parenting in reality somehow matches up seamlessly to the vision they unknowingly had for themselves, and some people have to do a lot of adjusting, not just to being a parent, but to the reality of their own children, the impact on their lives, their relationship with the other parent.... You're not alone smile That's not to say don't do all the sensible, practical things you're planning re: finances etc. You'll fall flat on your face quickly as a parent if you fail to prepare! But you're learning that already. Good luck!

confusedat23 Fri 10-Feb-17 12:53:16

You sound really sad OP... i'm going to assume you did not decide to end your relationship.

What is important is that there is love all around... you will stop loving your BM as your ex-partner but you still need to love and respect her as your BM. You cannot let bitterness and resentment from your relationship come into your co-parenting. This will help yoir child to no end!

If you are planning on co-parenting by living together or by living separately both are perfectly ok. Do you have someone you can talk to in real life? Maybe your father would understand your fears?

haveacupoftea Fri 10-Feb-17 18:16:36

Well the baby is coming so I suggest you strap on a pair and stop being so self absorbed.

Creatureofthenight Fri 10-Feb-17 18:24:21

Oh nice tea, what a constructive comment.
OP noone really knows what we'll be like as a parent until it actually happens! Being worried is totally normal.

EpoxyResin Fri 10-Feb-17 18:24:59

I don't think exploring one's emotional responses to life's challenges is self-absorbed, in fact I think it's quite healthy when not excessive. Particularly when men have been discouraged for doing so in past generations (and this one?), I think it's to be applauded!

But yes, the baby's coming, so at some point you'll have to get on with it smile

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder Fri 10-Feb-17 18:41:16

tea that's not at all helpful. And it won't be helpful for the baby to have a dad who hasn't got his head in the right space so it's good that OP trying to get help.

I think Epoxy puts it well here: you can only parent the actual child you have in the circumstances you have them. Like a lot of people, I was the leading expert on parenthood until I actually became a mother. Then I realised that babies are all unique and there isn't a one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. So whilst you can and should prepare by doing your research on what the baby will need, feeding, sleeping, safety etc, you cannot anticipate what the experience will really be like until you're living it. And it's incredible. It's hard, yes. And it will be more complicated for you because of your personal situation. But this little person will turn your world upside down in every way and you will love them more than you ever thought it was possible to love another person.

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