Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.
pregnancy and afterwards(9 Posts)
i this is the first time i've posted on here and not really sure how to get my feelings across but hope someone may have some advice.
i was with my partner of over a year when we found out i was pregnant. I was completely over joyed and although my partner thought it was too soon we were already living together and said we loved each other and talked about everything so I thought although it's soon it's not like it would have happened eventually. He said he would be there and we'd move forward together as a family ect. However he had a hard time coming to terms with it and whilst i was pregnant every time something exciting happened - i got heartburn, he kicked for the first time or we went for a 3D scan i felt like i just couldn't share that as he (my partner) was still on a downer. so all these excited and wonderful emoutions i had i quickly learned to shut down and turn them off quickly. Fast forward to after the birth and i now feel the same even though my partner is a fantastic dad i feel quick to stop the emoution and feel unable to plan ahead e.g. christening and family holidays because he never wanted it. which he's said many times throughout pregnancy. Another thing which came up is marriage - whilst i'm from a traditional family and have always loved the romantic idea of meeting someone falling in love and getting married - he sees all the negatives:
the money and societal pressures ect. we don't need a to get married to show we're committed ect. But i now feel a little bit lost like i'm in a relationship with a child but it's not going anywhere and why because of money? i don't think money is a good enough excuse for me. and all this relationship worry it's getting on my nerves when i should just be focusing on our gorgeous baby not getting upset but i feel a bit like we have this family built on absououtely no foundation, i should mention here i live in his house and although i do have a well paid job i'm currently on maternity so i'm feeling very beholdednt to him and his wishes for the future. I just can't seem to accept the fact that i'm never going to have an engagement story to tell or wear a ring or even a wedding ring i'll never be able to run home to my mum and tell her all the amazing details of the proposal. it just feels a bit like i've settled and given up on a dream. i do love him and shouldn't that be enough? but then if he loved me he'd do anything to keep me? it's so confusing - i've been lied to in relationships in the past and i just don't want to hang around for something that's never gunna happen. I am independent and can drive and everything else and whilst i realise you don't need a man to be complete it's more about common goals for me like i thought we would be moving forwards towards someday getting married anyway but we just happened to get pregnant first. after a lot of arguing he said "well i've conceded to you if you wanna do it and the time is right and we're still together i'll do it." But again i don't want someone to do something just because i want it, i want to work towards a future that we both want together. i didn't exactly have a straight forward birth and this is my first so i know my emoutions will be all over the place now but any advice would be appreciated. many thanks
This man is telling you very clearly who he is and what he wants.
While there is much more to a marriage than an engagement story, a white dress and a nice ring, I can understand completely why you want the security of a marriage and shared life together.
I think you need to have a very honest conversation with him when you feel up to it and make sure you have a full understanding of how he feels about you and your relationship.
Go and have some relationship counselling? You sound like you want completely different things.
Just make sure you go back to work as soon as the paid part of your maternity leave is up. Because you do not want to be come financially dependent on this man.
hi guys thanks. I did try bringing it up to have an open conversation but it pretty much turned in to a screaming match at which point he said he would "concede" if it's what i want he'll do it. He says he loves me very much and loves our son and has never loved anyone like he loves me but which should i listen to as this would suggest he does want a future together however like you say sounds like we want different futures? i just don't know whether i'm making a big deal out of nothing or whether my points are valid..
You can't make him want to get married. He either does or he doesn't.
When he says he concedes, is that because he doesn't believe in marriage but would get married to you if it means that much to you?
Do you want to marry him if is means a quick and quiet ceremony at a registry office or do you want the whole big day?
yes pretty much he dosnt think marriage is a big deal so he'll do it if it's what i want. But again that's hardly romantic when it's screamed at you and i don't want him to do anything he isn't want to.
i don't really want a big day just something special and meaningful i'd rather get married on a field than at a registry office because that feels a bit formal i want a bit of romance i guess i'm after a more romantic feel so a beach with just us two or a couple of friends is fine. and money wise when i'm not on maternity i make more than him and i'm willing to spend it on "a wedding" so it shouldn't be an issue. ideally i'd want a longish engagement so again it's not like we have to get married tomorrow i just kinda want to feel a bit more secure in that i know where it is going - or not!
I should say maybe i'm feeling a bit of pressure too because in our group of friends we're the only ones not married and the only ones who wernt planning on kids until later. they are all currently pregnant and it hurts a bit that seeing them now and their partners are in it every step of the way with them getting excited and planning the nursery ect, but i was alone the whole time (emotionally i mean) and i bought the nursery furniture and cleared the room and bought everything baby needs- my partner reluctantly painted the nursery but i bought the paint. I wasn't expecting to get pregnant either but he hasn't once asked how i was coping with all the changes as i love him i've made the best of the situation and i realise it's not the end of the world but then the fact that we may now never get married just feels a lot to deal with right now. I just don't wanna be taken for a ride i guess and whilst i trust him and he says he loves me i want a clear future if not just for me but for our son
Reading your posts it sounds like you may actually want similar futures but just have different timescales. It also sounds like you want to pin things down as definitely happening more than he does. Like you've said, you've just been through a huge life change which will have impacted understandably on your feelings and I can understand you wanting to feel secure. I'd wonder about having an open conversation with him about your feeling vulnerable and needing to feel more secure and discussing how he can help you feel secure other than by proposing? Like you say you want him to want to propose, which for most people is most likely when they can choose freely without pressure. If it's hard to have that kind of conversation, like someone else said relationship counselling might help. Or just giving it time and taking one day at a time for now, enjoying each other and the baby. Sometimes in relationships when you really want something that's not fully in your control you can push so hard for it that all that happens is it goes further out of reach, and in a funny way doing the opposite of what you want by relaxing your efforts can actually work out. Good luck
oh thanks so much that's great advice. and it's exactly how i feel i'm pushing it because things feel uncertain. and a lot had happened that we need to get used too. i'll try not to over think and take each day as i can. thanks again
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.