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Teenage pregnancy

(27 Posts)
user1486156070 Fri 03-Feb-17 21:24:08

Im 17 and found out a while ago that my girlfriend is pregnant and due in June. I have no idea what to do. Im in year 13 at sixth form and im pretty screwed. I dont even live with her (I live with friends).
What I need to know is what the hell to do. theres loads of articles and stuff online about teenage motherhood but literally noting about teenage fatherhood. Like im not surprised teenage dads dont stick around with how little help they get.
How do I raise a kid?
Am I supposed to go to uni like I've been planning?
Do I need a full time job instead?
My parents have said arent going to be involved as we've never really had a good relationship. I don't want to leave her but I also want to get on with my life.
I suggested abortion when I first found out but she started screaming at me that it was murder. She also screamed when I said adoption so thats not a route. So now Ill have to look after a baby and I don't have a clue how to.
Any advice?
Jace

isthistoonosy Fri 03-Feb-17 21:30:58

What's her family situation? Have you discussed the pregnancy and her plans at all?

PacificDogwod Fri 03-Feb-17 21:36:03

What age is she?
What support is she getting?
Is your relationship a good/strong one?
How far on is the pregnancy?

I think whatever happens you have to get your head around that you are going to be a father. To a baby in a few months, but then a child, a teenager, an adult - that bond with your girlfriend will stay all your life.
I agree there is less help and advice around for young fathers and that is a shame.
For a start I think you have to get your head around the fact that what happens next is entirely her choice - her body, her choice.
All you can do is be there for her - don't make 'suggestions', don't get upset with her: it takes two to tango. This child is both your doing although she will have to carry ALL the physical risks.

Yes, you should continue your studies as best you can IMO.
I think you sound v frightened and may need a bit of time to calm down and have a think about the future.

Plenty of young people make good parents and it is nice to hear that you want to stick around.

Doublechocolatecake Fri 03-Feb-17 21:36:25

Just take it one day at a time you sound like a very brave and intelligent young man who has found himself in a tough and challenging situation.

Go to uni as planned try and get a part time job too... even £20 a week child support until you graduate and get a full time job will go a long way.

Support your girlfriend/mother of your child..attend the local classes to care for a new born and just provide plenty of support and assistance for your new family. Love, dedication and relentless patience are priceless attributes to parenting.

It'll be hard and tough but it'll be so worth it, you'll have a wealth of experience and maturity in your early twenties and hindsight that most of your friends can dream of.

No it's not ideal having a baby and being a parent so young but in a few years you may see it as the best thing that's ever happened to you.

millyhopemum Fri 03-Feb-17 21:40:34

Is there a councillor at your 6th form? or maybe a teacher you can trust? Usually they will be able to point you in the right direction for advice.
Its a scary thing expecting a child whatever your age, but from the sounds of it you have your head on right and can see that leaving isnt the answer.
Best talk with your girlfriend and see if her family can support. And both go to an advice centre to see your options on getting any funding, accomodation and career and education advice.
You will do fine. Good luck x

reallyanotherone Fri 03-Feb-17 21:41:08

If you can go to uni, go. Long term it'll be better for you and the child.

Do you want to stay together? Has she somewhere to live? What are her options?

Your decision will likely be whether to go to a uni in your home town so you can be nearby, especially is you aren't staying together. If you are, would she consider going to a different uni town with you? You could choose a cheap area, get a flat, and you'd manage between grants, loans, benefits, and any part time jobs you can manage.

I think you need to sort out your relationship first. One thing at a time.

user1486156070 Fri 03-Feb-17 21:50:11

Answers to questions:

My gf is almost 18
Shes getting some help financial help from her parents I'm pretty sure but they don't want look after it fully.
We have a good relationship but I don't think it's that much stronger than most relationships around my age.
21 weeks

We're definitely staying together.
She is currently living with her parents and I'm living with friends, but I'm trying to find a place where we can live together.
Her parents said they'd help with renting a place until I get a proper job (I work minimum wage part time)

PacificDogwod Fri 03-Feb-17 21:55:44

Ok, thanks for answering my nosey questions smile

It sounds like your situation is difficult but not impossible; hard, but better than some.

It is good that her parents are on board - it is entirely their right not to want to raise their grandchild of course, but no doubt they will be of help (grandchildren have a way of putting a hex on their grandparents...).

You do sound like you have your head screwed on.
Go to antenatal classes with your GF.
Contact local SS regarding what parenting classes are available.
Help is out there, but you have to go find it IME.

Fwiw, I had my first child aged 37 but was terrified and had no idea what to do - a baby will have you trained in no time! wink

RoadrunnerMeepMeep Fri 03-Feb-17 21:56:03

Most people, whatever their age, feel pretty clueless when they first have a baby. You'll learn as you go. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and what to do right by your girlfriend and baby. My dp first became a dad at 17 too and new nothing about babies until he had his own. He's a brilliant dad to all the dcs (including his now 17 year old).

leighdinglady Fri 03-Feb-17 22:17:17

My mum was 17 when she had my sister and 19 when she had me. It was hard but she worked for minimum wage as a temp in offices, before going to uni in her 20's. She's now the CEO of a massive company, earning a fortune and travelling the world.

It's hard, but there's no reason your life won't get back on course. It's just a delay. I'm not best friends with my mum and it's partly because we're closer in age than is usual.

leighdinglady Fri 03-Feb-17 22:18:05

NOW best friends, rather than 'not'!

user1486156070 Mon 06-Feb-17 00:17:16

I kinda forgot I started this thread thing until right now but I have to ask how I'm supposed to have time for the parenting classes you said to go to.

I go to school every week day. I work after school Monday-Thursday and most of Sunday and When I'm not working I'm doing a fuck-ton of coursework and homework.
So if you have any advice that won't take up the very small amount of time I have, I would very much appreciate it!
Thanks!
Jace

tabulahrasa Mon 06-Feb-17 00:35:41

Well you either read the stuff aimed at mothers or make the time to go...

There isn't going to be a magical solution, I've been a 17 yr old with a baby, your free time isn't really a priority tbh.

user1486156070 Mon 06-Feb-17 00:38:23

Also, quick few questions
When I become a dad can I still:
Drink?
Smoke cigarettes and pot?
Go to parties?

Obviously my gf doesn't do the first to whilst pregnant but can we after the baby is born? Or is that like a no-no?
Jace

anametouse Mon 06-Feb-17 00:44:15

No, sorry.
(This from a 37 year old new mum. A baby is a LOT of responsibility, they need your fiull care and attention just to survive, I would love a could of large glasses of wine right now. Got a newborn so can't happen)

You can go to parties if you get a good baby sitter and she isn't breastfeeding. It's likely she won't though, I'm sorry to sound harsh but you're going to be a father - parties drinking and pot aren't your priority anyone

BertieBotts Mon 06-Feb-17 00:48:13

It's not a good idea to get really drunk or smoke drugs with a baby around. If you want to go to parties you'll have to get a babysitter. Don't take the baby to parties or have wild parties at home with the baby there, it's not responsible. A drink or two wouldn't be a problem, but you need to be okay to look after the baby. A good rule of thumb is to try and stay under the drink drive limit unless the baby is being looked after somewhere else.

Many parents smoke and it's not illegal to smoke cigarettes around children but it's very unhealthy for them (even if you don't smoke in the house) and can increase the risk of cot death even if it's only the Dad who smokes, so it's really a good idea to give up if you can. It will save you money as well.

You might have to adjust your priorities quite a lot if you're asking these questions though...

As for uni it might be worth going or it might be worth putting it off for a year or two. It will still be there if you choose to wait. Does your girlfriend want to go to uni? It might be worth you both looking at unis which are closer to home or unis that you're both interested in. Many universities have special housing for couples who have a child so it's not necessarily impossible that you could go but you'll have to look at your priorities again, and it will be a very different experience to the normal student experience.

Sorry but I have to smile a bit at you worrying you don't have time for parenting classes! How much time are you expecting to spend looking after your baby, an hour a week? grin They take quite a bit more of your time than that...

OneWithTheForce Mon 06-Feb-17 00:54:47

I don't want to leave her but I also want to get on with my life.

You'll still be a father if you leave her. Your child will still need to be fed, clothed, housed, nurtured and loved. Those are still your responsibilities whether you are with the mother or not. For 18 years those are your responsibilities. Leaving the mother doesn't change that.

user1486156070 Mon 06-Feb-17 01:05:03

First off, obviously I won't smoke around the baby- I'm not retarded.
Also why the hell would I take a baby to a party?
How am I supposed to know what my priorities are? -I'm just trying my hardest not to fuck up the kid's life...
And also, I know babies take a lot of time but ATM I'm working constantly to have some sort of financial stability before it comes. Also my girlfriend will look after it most of the time anyway.

Esya Mon 06-Feb-17 01:15:59

Hi I just want to know... I am miscarriage and now I feel pain at lower abdomen and if I do scan does the dr know that I have pregnant before?

UnbornMortificado Mon 06-Feb-17 01:18:22

Esya you will be better starting a new thread. Have you had your pregnancy confirmed?

MelinaMercury Mon 06-Feb-17 01:20:52

I was a teenage parent.

Priorities are:-
Baby
Stability (your education, financial support, emotional support and a stable home whether it's together or separately.
Girlfriend

Then way WAY down the list is smoking pot, partying and your social life. Yes, it's shit but that's how parenting works. It's bloody hard work and none of us have got a clue what we're doing really!

Ante-natal classes tend to be an hour or two long and only take place 2 or 3 times in the latter stages of pregnancy so in sure you can free up 6 hours of your time. Until then just read what you can, my husband read the same book I did (free from midwife - ready, steady, baby) and found it helped him understand stuff even though most of it was about pregnancy etc.

We drink alcohol, just don't get hammered if you don't have a babysitter and my husband smokes but he does it outside away from the kids.

UnbornMortificado Mon 06-Feb-17 01:23:13

User the R word is horrible. There is a lot of parents on this site with disabled children. My 11 year old knows that word isn't acceptable.

No drugs are not acceptable around young children, cannabis is more dangerous then people realise my ex-p has just lost access to our daughter because of it.

I was a parent at 17 yes it is tough, you are putting someone's needs ahead of your own for pretty much the rest of your life.

user1486156070 Mon 06-Feb-17 01:31:36

Jesus Christ I dont wanna be a dad. Fuck. I'm gonna ruin this kid's life just by fucking creating it...

Also pot isn't actually bad for you, its calming and useful for like anxiety and shit which I have been having a lot recently.
And obviously I just meant retard as in idiot and no one's gonna get offended by it

MelinaMercury Mon 06-Feb-17 01:35:59

Oh man the fuck up. You had balls enough to create him/her and now you have to prove that you are infact a responsible grown up!

UnbornMortificado Mon 06-Feb-17 01:56:56

hmm

Of course they're not.

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