Advanced search

Telling your family pre-12 weeks

(69 Posts)
mummabubs Tue 31-Jan-17 21:02:29

Hi everyone, new member and first topic I've posted but couldn't find another thread asking about this...

This is my first pregnancy and I'm 5 weeks today. My husband and I live 150 miles away from either of our families, so only see them about every 4-6 weeks. My youngest sister is flying out to Australia next week (no return flight booked as she might be out there a while) and we're very close. Husband and I are going home to visit our families weekend (would be 5+6 by the time I see them). As time goes by I'm feeling more strongly that I want to tell them this weekend. Although I'm naturally scared of miscarriage in this early stage, I feel that if I did miscarry it would be easier for me to talk about it if my family had already known I was pregnant. (My first visit to the GP today asking for reassurance resulted in him responding that more than one in three miscarry, which I'm not convinced is correct as NHS website says one in six, but it sufficiently terrified me). I also feel strongly that as much as it would be nice to wait and have a scan pic and the security of waiting 12 weeks I'd find it really hard to tell my sister by text or Skype and not be able to be with her when we share the news. Husband is supportive in me wanting to tell people early, as long as his family are told at the same time too he's ok with it.

So I was wondering: for those who did decide to share their news earlier than the traditional 12 weeks, how many weeks were you, what was that experience like and would you choose to do that again? Pros/ cons etc. Thanks all smile xx

LuxuryWoman2017 Tue 31-Jan-17 21:11:01

My first pregnancy did in in miscarriage unfortunately and I had told close family and was glad I had, I had also told my my boss and closest colleague which did help a lot when it all went wrong, I got a lot of support I felt i wouldn't have got had it been kept quiet.
I'm sure things will go great for you. But I do think the 12 Week thing is part of what makes miscarriage so hard to talk about openly.

Sundaygal Tue 31-Jan-17 21:15:35

We told family really early (6 weeks) with DC1... Well my DH did. He was so excited he couldn't keep his mouth shut! It was good and thankfully everything went smoothly with the pregnancy. There were a few responses of 'well we'll wait and see as many end in miscarriage' but most were thrilled with us and happy to hear regardless.

With my next most people knew by 7 weeks as I get ridiculously sick and hate coffee (which is normally my joy in life smile).

I did have an early miscarriage for one but hadn't been sick yet so hadn't told anyone.

Gingerbreadmam Tue 31-Jan-17 21:22:30

First pregnancy told close family and friends, ended in mmc.

Second pregnancy told close family then after first scan close friends.

Currently 7+6 had scan sunday due to ongoing bleeding. Told parents straight away then siblings. Told work as i took time off with bleeding so line manager and manager know. Then told close colleague cos suspsected she knew. Told best friend as she is pregnant and i thought she'd be pleased and another colleague who is an ex mw as i could really do with the support. Everyone else im hoping to leave until after 16wks.

Tbh if you.miscarry you will want support. I was jus worried about ppl thinking longest pregnancy EVER!

My stillbirth happened at 27weeks which makes me think theres no such thing as a safe point really.

Gingerbreadmam Tue 31-Jan-17 21:22:59

Oh and congratulations grin

ClaireFraser Tue 31-Jan-17 21:27:16

My first pregnancy we didn't tell family until I was 13wks because we were travelling in New Zealand from when I was 8wks pg until 13wks and I didn't want them worrying about me. Had we not been away for five weeks then we would have told them when we first found out, which was about six weeks.

With my second pregnancy we told both sets of parents, my sister and my best friend when we found out, again at about 6 weeks. Sadly last month that pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage at just before 12wks. I'm so glad we had told them because it would have been even sadder if I'd had to tell my parents that I'd been pregnant and had lost the baby in the sentence. We hadn't had a chance to tell DH's sister as hadn't seen her, so the first she knew was DH telling her I'd had a miscarriage.

I'm now in the 2ww hoping for pregnancy number 3 and will be telling parents and siblings and my best friend as soon as we know.

There's some things that it's just so lovely to be able to tell family in person rather than over the phone. And if the worst should happen, it makes things that tiny bit easier.

Your GP was wrong and the NHS is correct btw, one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage. I know it's easier said than done, but there's no point worrying about it because there's nothing you can do. Put it to the back of your mind and enjoy your pregnancy! Congratulations!

fezzik1 Tue 31-Jan-17 21:27:47

So I live in the states and travelled home to see family when I was 7/8 weeks! I had planned to keep it quiet but couldn't help it when my brother and wife told me about their pregnancy and blurted it out smile I had 1 evening of enjoying my pregnancy with them and loved it! Unfortunately on returning to the states @ my 12 week scan I found I had had a mmc around 8 weeks.... I was devastated, it was my first pregnancy and I didn't even know that could happen... I found it very traumatic telling my mum (who didn't know) on the phone.... And worse still she wanted to disscus it every time we spoke. Talking was great, It was the lack of closeness and the loneliness when I'd hang up that was the worst... your close enough to most family that you won't be stuck just with the phone, and I'm sure your sister will have more sense than my mum ;)
I waited and told everyone else 6 months later when I went back for a visit. I don't regret telling my brother and his wife tho!! I had the best exciting night with them smile and maybe if I'd told everyone else it would have made it easier for me down the line...

drinkyourmilk Tue 31-Jan-17 21:31:15

I conceived through ivf and all my family knew we were trying. So they knew when we got a bfp!

NovaArt3mis Tue 31-Jan-17 21:37:12

Congratulations smile

We told parents and siblings on Christmas Day just passed at 5 weeks.

I found out on Sunday I'm having a mmc at 10 weeks but I'm very glad to have a few people who knew and can grieve with us. This would be a lot harder if I either had no support or had to tell people about the mc when they didn't know about the pregnancy to begin with.

user1485706893 Tue 31-Jan-17 21:37:36

My family and OH family all knew at 6 weeks but that's because I've had hyperemesis so people noticed lol. There's a chance it's not going well but actually I prefer them all knowing what's going on even though I'm usually dead against all that as a personal issue.

My FIL has been taking me to hospital (admissions and apps) because my car has been off the road so he was the first to know.

I dunno. You have to do what's right for you. If you want to tell your family then do, there is no right or wrong. If...IF you miscarry, which you probably won't fiy, you might find it easier for people that you're close to, to know. If you're a particularly private person that doesn't want to talk about any detail to any one (me 1st pregnancy and beyond lol) then don't. Good luck with everything smile

m33r Tue 31-Jan-17 21:42:41

I told my parents and a couple of friends right away with all my pregnancies. I believe in repeating the mantra 'today I am pregnant' and enjoying every minute. I've had one LB and three early MCs and I'm currently 13 weeks. I have - crippling anxiety aside - enjoyed sharing the highs of all my pregnancies and appreciated the support through the lows. Today you are pregnant; odds on you'll be great. Enjoy and celebrate every minute I say! flowers

Helbelle75 Tue 31-Jan-17 21:47:05

We told family and very close friends almost straight away. I also told my manager at work. I'miss pleased we did as I had a mmc at 10.5 weeks and needed the support.
We did the same with this pregnancy and all is well at 30 weeks. We had tons of support from people and I'm hopeless at keeping secrets!

Flingmoo Tue 31-Jan-17 21:47:10

There's nothing wrong with telling people early on - if you want to, go for it.

When deciding who to tell, and when, I asked myself how painful it would be if I had to tell that person I've had a miscarriage, and would I be telling them about it anyway even if they didn't know about the pregnancy yet. I decided that if I did miscarry, I would want to tell my closest friends, my mum, and my boss anyway, so there was no harm in telling them!

Meanwhile I didn't want to tell my dad or my grandmother because based on their personalities I had a worry that they would make insensitive remarks if I did miscarry (You know, stuff like "well perhaps it was for the best, it wasn't meant to be, etc" - Well meaning but insensitive.) Either that, or they'd go so over the top with emotional reactions it would make it so much harder for me.

However, I think you can get overly paranoid about miscarriage if you dwell on it a lot. I guess the trouble is that people don't talk about it very much in real life, meanwhile if you ask about miscarriage here on MN you will get a lot of people sharing their experiences more openly, which, when you read a thread like this, perhaps makes the risk seem disproportionately high. As a pregnant woman it can be really difficult to know exactly how much you should be worried about it.

Hollyhop17 Tue 31-Jan-17 21:47:43

I told my parents and PIL when I was 5.5 and don't regret it. It is my parents first and PIL second and they have been really supportive. At 10 weeks I had a threatened miscarriage while I was abroad and I was so glad my parents knew. It would have been worse in my opinion had something gone wrong and I hadnt experienced the joy of telling them I was pregnant. Luckily, touch wood I am 16 weeks now and everything is ok with the baby. I also told my best friend and work as I have HG but waited for the 12 week scan for everyone else. Congrats!

mummabubs Tue 31-Jan-17 21:53:23

Thanks so much everyone for your replies, it's reaffirmed to me that I'd rather just tell them. I'm a psychologist during the day so I feel I'm as comfortable as you can be in having difficult conversations (if that makes sense?!) and although sharing a miscarriage would be really hard I agree in that it would feel easier for me if my family already knew there was a pregnancy to potentially lose. (Or hopefully to keep as the positive-thinking goes!) smile wink

mummabubs Tue 31-Jan-17 22:01:17

and thanks Mamushka - I confess I did spend this morning scanning google for people who have had a 'successful' first pregnancy. You're right, it can be really hard to suss what the likelihood is, especially with different medical sources and studies giving vastly different results. (And even then you only want to read the studies that showed a lower risk).

I guess all you can really do it try to relax and take each day as it comes, as my GP 'helpfully' said: if it's going to happen then it will happen, nothing I can do about it. (Although good ol' cautious me has cut out caffeine entirely and taken up mediation/relaxation just in case!) x

DappledThings Tue 31-Jan-17 22:11:36

Told both sets of parents almost as soon as we knew and other friends as and when it came up. Took the attitude of not announcing it but not lying so if someone asked why I wasn't drinking I didn't make up some nonsense about antibiotics that nobody believes anyway.

I did have a miscarriage the first time and a few weeks later had no worries about taking the same attitude and telling parents then letting it leak out to anyone else who asked directly. I can't imagine keeping miscarriage a secret so for us there was no incentive at all to keep pregnancy secret.

GreedyDuck Wed 01-Feb-17 08:32:36

I told my parents at 7/8 weeks the first time around and they were absolutely overjoyed. I then had to tell them that an early scan had shown no heartbeat a few days later. They were devastated and, tbh, I would have rather not have got their hopes up only to have to tell them shit news later.

Second time around we waited until we'd seen a heartbeat, and that resulted in their much adored granddaughter.

Third time, we had an unfavourable scan at 8 weeks, so I told them then. I was still technically pregnant for another couple of weeks and it was good to be able to talk to my mum about it all whilst I was having scans, starting to miscarry, and eventually surgery.

If we conceive again, we'll wait until we've seen a hb at 8/9 weeks and probably tell them then.

As far as telling your sister in person now, how would you feel about telling her you've miscarried via Skype? Hopefully you'll be absolutely fine, but that would be far harder news to hear when you're thousands of miles away. I found out that my brother and sil had finally conceived (using their last donor egg after lots of mcs and ivf) with a scanned sonogram pic of a teeny tiny yolk sac in an cyber cafe in the South Pacific. (long time ago, pre smart phone/skype days) It was the best email I've ever received! The distance between us was immaterial.

Emberblu Wed 01-Feb-17 09:50:23

mummabubs we are in the same boat! Just found out yesterday I'm ~4-5 weeks pg with my first (I'm 26) and have got a doc appointment next week. I'm the cautious one and usually dislike people knowing about my business until it's going well but even so I would love you tell someone... but my DH is bursting to tell everyone! I feel bad cos I know he prpbably wants to talk through it but I just want to wait until the first scan as I am a bit of a pessimist...
That being said though I think once I've been to the docs on Tuesday I'll probably let him tell his sister and I might tell my 2 sisters and mother (since it may affect me flying out to see her).
I think the advice from these ladies is great- if it's someone you'd be ok talking to about problems with the pregnancy then you should tell them whenever you want to.
Also sounds like you are like me- worrying about things going wrong instead of enjoying the fact you're doing a bit of a miracle right now! I'm going to try and almost 'forget' that I'm pg until march, just go on as usual (apart from diet stuff and no extreme sports grin) cos I am so impatient I don't think I can wait 3 months otherwise! Good luck though and enjoy telling people if that's what you want smile

Catherinebee85 Wed 01-Feb-17 10:49:10

I'm an OT working in acute mental health so I had to tell my employers at just under 6 weeks so I could be protected. Also had to tell colleagues for the same reason they knew if there was a hint of violence or aggression I'd be running in the opposite direction not dealing with it like I normally would!

We told DPs mum on Christmas eve and my parents on Christmas day. I just thought that if the worst happened we'd want their support so what's the point in keeping secrets.

Now more people than I'd like to know already know. There's friends I haven't told yet colleagues I barely know are congratulating me. It's very strange!

xStefx Wed 01-Feb-17 10:51:50

I also had Hyperemesis so people were wondering why I was being sick 50 times a day (that's genuinely no exaggeration). It helped that people knew as I needed help badly.

oliversmummy26 Wed 01-Feb-17 11:31:28

With my first I was completely oblivious to the risks of mc, had an early scan at 7 weeks and saw a heartbeat (ex mil was a mw so managed to get me in early) and told all our immediate family then.

With my 2nd pregnancy last year (5 years later a little older and wiser) we didn't tell anyone and it ended in a mmc at 10 weeks. I was so pleased we hadn't told anyone, as I really didn't want to have to untell people immediately. I was so emotional and the last thing I needed was tea and sympathy from everyone which would have just made me cry. So this way I was able to tell people about the mc in my own time when I was ready and felt strong enough to.

Am pregnant again now and am just 8+4 days, had an early scan on Monday and saw a heartbeat, so feeling more positive, but still going to wait until after our 12 week scan to tell anyone, even parents.

It is honestly entirely up to you. If you want to tell your family because you're going to see them and (fingers crossed it won't) but if the worst should happen you'll be okay telling them about a mc then go for it!

Having had an mc has definitely made me more wary, there is so much that can go wrong in those early weeks and it's a scary time..good luck and congratulations on your bfp!

DeepFriedCamembert Wed 01-Feb-17 12:11:06

I told my parents and sister as soon as I knew. If i'd miscarried I would want their support anyway. I had to tell my in-laws soon after as the not drinking would have given me away!! For everyone else there was no "announcement", but from 12 weeks onwards I didn't mind people finding out. Sadly, the worst can happen at any point in pregnancy, so for me until baby arrives the fewer people who know the better. I'm now in my third trimester and only good friends and family know who I see enough to notice the big bump (and work colleagues of course). Once baby arrives I'll allow myself an announcement!
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Littlejayx Wed 01-Feb-17 12:19:23

I had no choice in the matter, silly taxi man crashed into a bollard while texting and had to have a scan at 5 weeks to make sure all was well!

I would say if you want/need additional support it is alot easier when family/friends know when when you are ready to tell them. They helped a lot after the crash and when I was feeling poorly at 8/9 weeks.

I'd say as soon as you are comfortable

harleysmammy Wed 01-Feb-17 13:59:47

I was 6 weeks when i told my cousin (best friend) and then my dad two days later. I did want only them to know but my cousin has a big mouth and told the whole familyhmm i was at my nans at 8 weeks and had bleeding, everything was and is fine, but at the time i panicked like mad and was glad i had my dad and nan. We didnt tell like great aunties and things until my 12 week scan though x

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: