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Synographer very pushy - advice needed

(53 Posts)
MumBeth Wed 25-Jan-17 14:40:11

Hello,

Recently had my dating scan. At it the Synographer was very opinionated about me wanting to find out the sex at the 20 week scan. He told me I would not be doing myself or the baby any good in finding out and I'm only going to be a selfish mother by wanting to find out. His reasons for having this opinion were that back in university (probably about 35 years ago judging his age) his research piece was about which mothers bonded better with their new borns; those who found out the sex prior or after birth? He told me that I wouldn't bond with my baby anywhere near as well as someone who waited.

Now I have a few concerns here.
1) isn't this completely unprofessional? He turned a magical moment of the dating scan into a scary lecture.
2) other research I have been reading states the opposite of his claims, does anyone else agree with this in their experience?
3) Now I'm worried the Synographer at my 20 week scan might just lie about not being able to tell the sex.

Things get a little further complicated when I point out the Synographer's assistant is my mother in law. I love her to pieces, she is a wonderful woman but I'm wondering if this is where she gets the viewpoint of how bad I am for wanting to know the gender. Her and the Synographer are really good friends too 😕

Any advice or reassurance please?

(FYI just want to know the sex as it feels odd calling the baby it or other non personifying terms, not bothered about gender either way really.)

MumBeth Wed 25-Jan-17 14:41:43

Obviously meaning "Sonographer" not "synographer" 😂

TheMasterNotMargarita Wed 25-Jan-17 14:43:34

I would make an official complaint and ask to be seen by someone else.
Totally unprofessional and unacceptable.

strawberrypenguin Wed 25-Jan-17 14:44:31

That's a very weird opinion to have. Anyway its not their baby and they should respect your choices. It isn't always possible to tell at the 20 week scan but if you want to know I don't see you you shouldn't be told. For what it's worth we found out with both DC for a start it means you only have to argue over one set of names!
If you really felt uncomfortable you could put in a PALS complaint.

MumBeth Wed 25-Jan-17 14:45:22

Just awkward to do that as it's my mother in law'school friend and work colleague. I'm worried about causing family issues there.

Is it possible for me to swap hospitals? Although next closest one is about an hour away?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Wed 25-Jan-17 14:47:34

That's nuts. Yanbu.

pombal Wed 25-Jan-17 14:48:11

He's a nut - ignore.
Fwiw where I live everyone knows the sex of their baby before birth and not wanting to know is considered odd.

The hospital also ask the baby's name when you arrive to give birth.

MumBeth Wed 25-Jan-17 14:50:40

Wish I was in your local area! So traditional here. None of my family or friends find out their baby's sex. Me and partner just want to be organised and be able to say "he" or "she"

AmeliaJack Wed 25-Jan-17 14:51:36

That is an appalling thing to say to anyone!

You are not selfish for wanting to know. It's personal preference.

I would complain, inspite if the connection with your MIL because this person is upsetting and distressing emotionally vulnerable women.

MumBeth Wed 25-Jan-17 14:55:37

Is it possible to complain anonymously?

BiddyPop Wed 25-Jan-17 14:58:50

It's absolutely something that YOU get to decide (assuming Baby cooperates and shows the right area to the sonographer!).

In our case, we decided not to - but also didn't want to keep referring to "the baby" so we referred to "Chuckles" until he/she/it arrived, which we felt was nicely neutral but also gave an indication of how happy we felt about their imminent arrival.

MumBeth Wed 25-Jan-17 15:02:39

I'm just worried that the sonographer will lie and tell us baby isn't cooperating just because he doesn't want to tell me.

I really want to swap hospitals 😕

Chuckles is cute, we started using Speckle a while back.

raviolidreaming Wed 25-Jan-17 15:15:09

back in university (probably about 35 years ago judging his age) his research piece was about which mothers bonded better with their new borns; those who found out the sex prior or after birth?

It can't have been a very thorough research piece seeing as 35 years ago scans weren't routine.

arbrighton Wed 25-Jan-17 15:16:22

We're not intending to find out but given I'll be having extra growth scans, chances are, it'll show itself anyway, like our soon to arrive new nephew has done !

he/she is called 'Bean' just now.

gamerchick Wed 25-Jan-17 15:20:29

Why don't you if you don't want to rock the boat just book a private scan later on. They're not that pricey and aren't really focusing on anomalies? Saves headaches.

You can let your mil know that as well so it does her head in wink

Cakescakescakes Wed 25-Jan-17 15:23:11

I'd imagine very few mothers were able to access a scan or know the sex 35 yrs ago. I'm around that age and have friends who are twins whose mum didn't even know she was expecting more than one baby.

raviolidreaming Wed 25-Jan-17 15:24:25

Meant to say, we did find out and - for us - it has helped us bond and feel prepared. My dad didn't want to know but I told him by mistake - he's now changed his opinion and says it's made it feel more real and he's glad he knows. It's a very personal decision but if you want to find out then do!

Rootle Wed 25-Jan-17 15:36:41

Non of his business and completely unprofessional. Please complain to the PALS at the hospital or to the professional body that regulate sonographers the HCPC.

xStefx Wed 25-Jan-17 15:39:23

Go to your dating scan at the hospital and book for a private scan somewhere else just to be sure. I would also complain that's awful

LondonRoo Wed 25-Jan-17 15:44:31

You should complain! How rude! It is your choice and your's alone to find out the sex of your baby. It's not for some sonographer to push their opinions on to you. Really not nice to have your saying scan ruined by a lecture.

IMHO you could request to see a different sonographer other than the one your MIL works with on the grounds of confidentiality.

If you complain you can highlight the relationship with your MIL and request that your complaint is looked at with the utmost of confidentiality and that MIL should never know that you complained. Tbh, a complaint, request for a different sonographer and to respect your wishes re finding out the sex is more than reasonable and I suspect you would be given that.

Also - we know the sex of our baby and I'm glad we do as it has meant we really see her as our little daughter rather than "it" so no regrets here.

Roo

LondonRoo Wed 25-Jan-17 15:44:50

Should be dating scan, not saying - stupid autocorrect!

MotherofA Wed 25-Jan-17 15:52:50

Hahaha wow what a prat ! My sister warned me that they hate you finding out the sex so I paid for a private gender reveal scan and didn't tell them I knew haha . I didn't find out with my firstborn but wanted to be more organised this time . I knew it was another DD anyway regardless of scan . Everyone I know has found the sex out and has amazing bonds with their children . He was bang out of order saying this to you .

thecatsarecrazy Wed 25-Jan-17 15:59:15

I've had 5 scans and never seen the same person twice. Maybe you will be lucky

MumBeth Wed 25-Jan-17 16:01:08

Thank you for all your advice.

I did also question the validity of his research he claimed he done at university considering his age but also how it was only one study! Anyone who has done a piece of research at university knows how limiting those studies are!!

I didn't even consider a private scan, that is a good idea if he does fail to tell me at the 20 week scan.

10Betty10 Wed 25-Jan-17 16:04:17

If you download groupon there are loads of deals on scans with private companies. I've got one next week with a company called Hey Baby which I bought through groupon for £39, which I think is pretty reasonable price. Then you do t have to worry! (Although he does sounds very unprofessional by being so pushy with his views to a patient!)

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