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I am scaring myself here

(11 Posts)
Raffles1981 Thu 19-Jan-17 08:16:36

Okay, I am here again, to annoy and bother. So for the first four days after I found out I was pregnant, I went into shock. I shut down and it was tough. I planned this, I want this baby. But right now I am freaking out. And thinking if I miscarry, it won't be a bad thing, if I go through with this, can I actually do it...please don't judge me. I this normal? I keep thinking about every possible outcome. And constantly doubt myself. I have never done this before, we talked about it a lot. I feel so emotionally vulnerable. Tell me I am not going mad and that this will get better.

Wonderflonium Thu 19-Jan-17 08:24:01

Ambivalence is very much part of the territory especially in the first trimester, or at least it was for me.

Feistype Thu 19-Jan-17 08:33:58

I had this feeling with my first pregnancy. We planned it, we had been trying for a long time but I just didn't feel the joy other expectant mothers felt.

I remember a pregnant friend of mine saying "Don't you just love your baby already?" And I said yes but I actually sat there thinking "No, actually. I don't even think of it as a baby".

However... feelings did change. As I got bigger, felt movement, accidentally found out the gender... these things helped me feel closer to her. I started to relax more with my body changing and embraced the pregnant life!

Your midwife will be there to talk to you about any feelings you may have. My midwife was the only person who I felt as though wouldn't judge me!

Hope you're alright, you're not a terrible person. It's a big thing to go through and can take you a while to get used to changes that are coming. X

Raffles1981 Thu 19-Jan-17 10:13:49

Thank you. This is the most surreal thing I have ever done. I have overcome some heavy stuff in my life, but is testing me. I am literally okay now - feel fine. But in a few hours, who knows right? Seeing my midwife on Monday so will speak to her as well. Feistype - I appreciate your words. Makes me feel a little better about myself x

Feistype Thu 19-Jan-17 10:24:29

Sending you lots of love and congratulations!! I hope speaking to the midwife helps smile x

Lunalovepud Thu 19-Jan-17 10:38:16

Raffles I wrote a post almost exactly the same as yours when I found out I was pregnant with DC1. He was planned - or as planned as it gets in my house - and I felt like a fake as I should have been over the moon but I wasn't!

Your life changes in a second when you find out you are expecting. Changes to what you can eat, drink (sigh - expecting DC2 and missing the wine again!) what you can physically do etc... The whole thing stretched out ahead of me as this terrifying unknown thing that I wasn't sure I was going to like at all. I felt like my life was over.

Then I also felt awful for feeling awful - there are women who are desperate to be pregnant and aren't and I felt so ungrateful. Then I felt awful because I thought the same things as you about miscarrying... I think that is more of a self-protection thing though... If you consider it and tell yourself that there are pros and cons to every eventuality, it won't be as painful if something does go wrong.

You don't say how far along you are but if you are in the first trimester, I think it is the hardest time. You have no bump, you can't tell anyone you are pregnant, you feel like shit and there are loads of unknowns. Things get loads better after about 16 - 20 weeks when you start to feel the baby moving around, start to get a proper bump (which you will stroke all of the time), people start smiling at you in the street and you can eat as much cake as you like without judgement. wink

I was getting really excited by about 20 weeks and although I had an 'interesting' birth experience, seeing my gorgeous boy for the first time (I am welling up thinking about it!) and hearing his first little cry is the single most amazing, joyful and utterly surreal, experience of my life.

I thought I would be bored being a mum - I'm not. I thought life would be dull - it isn't. I thought my social life was over - it isn't, I still go out and have a great time with my friends, just less. And not less because I am trapped, stuck at home, tied to my family, but because I want to be at home a lot of the time. I'm more tired than I was before DS arrived, I brush my hair less, wear less make up and wear more clothes with elasticated waistbands but I have not one single regret. Besides - it can't be that bad, I'm having another one!

Please do discuss your feelings with your midwife - you don't have to feel like this and all the hormones whizzing around don't help. Good luck with

Raffles1981 Thu 19-Jan-17 11:22:10

Luna, thank you so much. I am in my first trimester. And I also am in an age gap relationship, my man is 19 years older than me. He has two grown children from his marriage. And I worry about other peoples reactions, even though I know I shouldn't. We have made a good life together, we have not rushed into this , but people will judge. I just need to relax right? And be aware that I am not Rachel from Friends - this is real life and pregnancy is seemingly a lot harder than I could ever have imagined! x

user1484825327 Thu 19-Jan-17 11:37:09

Can anybody see a line I'm going mad here? Thank u in advance xx

Lunalovepud Thu 19-Jan-17 11:59:01

The first trimester sucks, I'm in week 10 and have had my head in the toilet for ages. I also randomly burst into tears at my midwife appointment the other day for no reason at all. wink The hormones really kick your butt.

It's normal to worry about other people's reactions to things that are life changing for us. People might judge you but they are not worth worrying about - easier said than done I know but it's better for you, your baby and your relationship to sack their opinions off and get on with planning your future for your family.

I'm sure people judged choices I made in my first pregnancy - I know there were some bitchy people gossiping about whether or not I had given up my party animal ways (I had) or was still drinking etc. I acknowledged to myself that it was happening and that it was upsetting. Then I filed it under things that I don't give a toss about and moved on with my life. Motherhood will make you more ruthless like that - no time to spare for anyone else's bullshit. wink

Just give yourself some time. Pregnancy is huge, particularly at the beginning when it's a secret and you feel terrible. Speak to your partner, GP and midwife about how your age feeling and get some RL support and reassurance. Things will get better!

Lunalovepud Thu 19-Jan-17 12:01:32

Incidentally, I find a medicinal Magnum to be very handy for times like this if you can stomach it - original or chocolate are the best if you can get one but mint will also help at a push. wink

Raffles1981 Thu 19-Jan-17 13:27:05

Noted! Think I will pick up a Magnum on the way home :-)

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