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pregnant by accident at 42, I don't know what to do

(17 Posts)
sarahmar Fri 23-Feb-07 13:04:18

I'm 42 and I'm 7 weeks pregnant (one accident in 5 years was all it took - so stupid, I know). We have 3 girls, one aged 6 and twins who are 5 and have just started school. Family life is so lovely and finally we seemed to me moving on to this easier, more financially secure stage in our lives. I feel such a mess now. I can't believe I'm pregnant. I feel so depressed, I had an abortion 20 years ago and seemed to get over it fine until I had my children and then I felt so guilty and bad about it. I really can't believe I'm considering one again. I don't want another baby ( my partner doesn't either - because of our age and because we will struggle financially again - but I know he would be there and supportive whatever my decision) but I don't want a termination. I'm so scared that if I have a termination, I'll become depressed and a crap mother to my children and if I have the baby, it could mess up what we've got. And what if it's twins again ( they're maternal twins so there is a chance )I feel that I've had my children - too old to have more - and that this shouldn't be happening. I've been to counselling but , to be honest, didn't find it much help. Is there anyone who's been the same situation?

northerner Fri 23-Feb-07 13:11:54

Hi sarahmer, have no advice, only you can make this decision. It sounds like a very tough one.

Just could not ignore your post.

Although I do remember someone saying to me that you never regret having a child, only not having one.

Best of luck.

snowleopard Fri 23-Feb-07 13:18:50

I totally haven't been in this situation so do feel free to ignore me! - but - it sounds to me as if you should have the baby.

I'm saying that partly because if you see that sentence and think "Nooooooooooooo!!!" then that might help you to know your truest feelings - likewise if you think "yes, that's what part of me wanted to hear." But also because if you feel that way about a termination, I think that might affect you more badly than having the baby.

Remember you'd be an old hand this time round and your older ones would probably want to help, which might make it easier.

plummymummy Fri 23-Feb-07 13:19:13

Poor you. You need to do what is right for you and your husband. The problem is that even if you both agree on a decision, one of you might regret it later. That happened to my friend when she aborted, her and her partner split up after as she blamed him (thankfully they are back together now and very happy with two children)

frogs Fri 23-Feb-07 13:26:07

I had an unplanned pregnancy with dd2 at 37, when my older two were 8 and 4. It was hard work: pregnancy was tough, I was exhausted and nauseous for 9 months, but the first year with an unexpected little baby was blissful, and I was floating on a little pink cloud of happy hormones for the first 12 months. Years 2-3 have been quite uphill as well, since she has been a much more demanding toddler than I was used to with the other two. And our income has undeniably taken a hit (I'm self-employed).

But she has been a great joy for us -- there was something lovely about doing all the baby things very consciously for the last time, and the older two adore her. We wouldn't be without her. But there will be absolutely no more -- dh is booked in for a vasectomy.

dueat44 Fri 23-Feb-07 13:30:47

I am accidentally pregnant at 44; we were horrified at first (life had got so EASY with just a six year old) but we are rather smug and excited now, at 34 weeks.

Spidermama Fri 23-Feb-07 13:37:01

I have four and not entirely by design. I think snowleopard's right and you should have the baby. Your other kids will be helpful. I love having four. I know it's really, really, really tough with a new baby - especially those first two years, but you know it gets easier.

My older kids LOVE having a baby brother and it teaches them so much about nurturing and babies and all sorts of lovely precious things.Someone once said to me the most precious thing you can give your children is siblings. Mine are all in hand me downs, we don't take foreign holidays but rather go camping and my three boys share one bedroom with clever use of Stompa loft beds bought on ebay. It can work.

I want to say congratulations but I know that you're still feeling a bit like I should commiserate you.

Congrautlations anyway and all the very best of luck.

RedLorryYellowLorry Fri 23-Feb-07 13:50:53

I'm 41 and since 39 have been thinking on and off I'd like another but I'm not willing to actually "go for it" for all the reasons you have mentioned. If I found myself pregnant I'd be shocked but go ahead with it. It may upset plans but I don't think I'd regret it.

uptomyeyes Fri 23-Feb-07 13:56:08

Sarahmar I know exactly how you feel. My story is very similar to frogs. DS1 and 2 are 9.5 and 5 yrs. DS3 is 9 months. I'm 39, DH is 48 this years. The pregnancy was a complete shock, I was 6 months into a new job that I loved and I was gutted and couldn't reconcile my feelingsto it, especially as we had struggled to have the first 2 after 5 miscarriages. Pregnancy was a horror as was emergency c-sect at 35 weeks. DS was a screamer and quite frankly I would have cheerfully thrown him out the window a few times. BUT he is the absolute light of all of our lives now and even though I still do have the odd - life would be easier and we would be £800 per month richer if it wasn't for....- moment, we wouldn't be without him. DH had a vasectomy when DS3 was 6 months old so it definitely can't happen again!

Kelly1978 Fri 23-Feb-07 13:56:41

If you don't want a baby, and you don't want an abortion, would you consider adoption as an option?

I'm a mum of four, including twins, and I know I couldn't cope with any more, and I know the fear that it could be multiples. And since the risk increases with age, it is considerable.

I don't think you would regret it if you did keep the baby, but can see that you would be giving up a lot by doing so.

Good luck with whatever you choose. x

Notquitegrownup Fri 23-Feb-07 14:00:45

Haven't been in your situation, but have 3 good friends who have all had later 'accidents'. One very close friend sobbed and railed throughout the entire pregnancy (maybe that's why pregnancy is soooo long. It can take sooooo long to get your head around things, if you do decide to go ahead.)

Needless to say, having decided, albeit reluctantly, the moment they held their baby in their arms, all doubts disappeared.

(My dh was an accident, and his mum recently sent him a birthday card "to the best mistake I ever made!" Makes me feel quite shocked to think that neither of my dss would be here if she had made a different decision.)

It is your decision, of course, but it is early days yet. One day you will be able to smile at what you can't even begin to imagine now.

bambi06 Fri 23-Feb-07 14:18:36

i`m 16 weeks pregnant with ou rlittle accident at 40!!this is our third and for the first 6 weeks it was OMG!! what have we done etc and dh was in a mood to say the least but although i cried my eyes out for about two weeks and half hoped i`d miscarry naturally ,i came round to the idea although i`ve only just finally got my head rund the idea that yes we are having a BABY.... and like i said i`m 16 weeks now but now we are happy about the decision to keep it as i felt this WAS our last chance and i wanted to savout babyhood for on elas time..yes i know i`m not rbeing realistic but actually i am in tha ti`m not going to bother buying hardly anyhting[just wait till the sales are on though!] .we`d given EVERYTHING away so will have to borrow from everybody and i`m not going to go down the route of buying lots of baby toys .that what big brother and sister are for as they absolutely go gaga over babies and are brilliant with them!! so long story but wait and i`m sure you`ll suddenly realise the joys ahead and thoroughly immerse yourself in motherhood again..good luck and if you ever want to talk you can cat me as i really know what youre going through ..its horrible at the tim and you just cant see your way out of it[ i could nt have a termination as the guilt would destroy me..i had one about 20 yrs ago and still think about it]

sarahmar Fri 23-Feb-07 18:15:43

Thanks so much for all your messages. They've been a big help. I haven't told many people that I'm pregnant, obviously so it's been good to talk about it and share my feelings and get feedback. Bambi06 it sounds as if you know exactly how I am feeling. I've been hoping for a miscarriage so that the matter is taken out of my hands. I feel more that I am going to go ahead with the pregnancy despite so many doubts. I'm still worried that this baby would feel like an only child with older parents but I'm fairly sure my girls would be great big sisters.

nogoes Fri 23-Feb-07 18:23:35

I do not think that anyone can answer this for you as it is such a personal decision. I think you should seek counselling before making a decision. Good luck.

noddyholder Fri 23-Feb-07 18:25:09

I know you will find it hard and maybe struggle at firat but I think you would regret a termination from how you sound.Spider is right your other children can help and some things are just meant to be.You are lucky really you just don't know it yet xxx

bambi06 Fri 23-Feb-07 20:43:12

hope youre feeling a little more positive..its true what they say about time and healing /helping etc..thats probably what you need ho wlong have you known?..although there are days like right now for example..fri night and i`m shattered..and i keep thinking OMG its going to get worse before it gets better but funnily enough once i`d started to actually tell people it all kinda made sense and i came to the realisation i was having a baby..i wouldnt tell anyone for fear of making it real..sounds wierd i know

rosylonginglily Fri 23-Feb-07 21:14:31

I'll be 40 next week, surprise fourth baby due the week after. It took me the whole first trimester to get my head round it but now I can't wait.

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