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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Heartbroken over having to abort my baby

36 replies

Elliechar · 13/01/2017 16:21

I'm 18 and would not be able to financially support the child easily, nor would I be able to finish my decree, so have decided to have an abortion. But I am so attached to it already, I tried not to get attached but I am and am now heartbroken that I have to go through with this.i will be about 3 months when I have the abortion, and I am scared that the baby will feel pain and I feel cruel, I just don't know if I can go though with killing it, I feel like I will be crying all the up until they put me to sleep. I can't really talk about it without getting upset and crying and I keep having nightmares about getting rid of it, I think if I do go through with this which I'm sure I have to, it will really emotionally scar me.

Some help/advice or support would be appreciated, or some reassurance

Thank you
Ellie

OP posts:

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arbrighton · 13/01/2017 16:24

Plenty of people have got pregnant at uni and finished degrees, eventually after a deferral or going part time. Plenty of people don't but a degree isn't the be all and end all of life

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Efferlunt · 13/01/2017 16:29

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. From what you are saying you are still not sure this decision is right. I think you need to speak to counsellor urgently to sort through this.

Plenty of people go on to have successful lives without degrees it won't be the end of the world but it will of course mean different opportunities / life for you which will need to be carefully considered

Best of luck

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rhuhbarb4 · 13/01/2017 16:30

I think right now you need to think what means more to you- bringing the baby into the world or finishing your degree at the pace you first intended to. As pp said lots of people still finish their degree with a baby sometimes in the same time frame others it will take them longer. Is there abyone irl that you can talk to about this the babies father? Mum? It is a hard decision to make but you need to do whats right for you and tou sound like an abortiom would break you at the moment. to you.

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talisman101 · 13/01/2017 16:34

If I was you I would keep the baby you said your heartbroken that you have to go through with it ..but you don't ...there is income support social housing and various other benefits you can even get milk and fruit vouchers if need be not ideal but ...

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PamBagnallsGotACollage · 13/01/2017 16:39

It does sound like you're not certain you've made the right decision and that's ok, you still have some time to think through this. You could take some time out of your degree and finish it later. I have a friend who did this; she went back to uni when the child was still a baby.

It would be a really good idea to speak to a counsellor. Is there someone based at your uni who could offer some pastoral care and help you come up with a plan for continuing your education as well as having the baby if that's what you decide to do.

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PurpleDaisies · 13/01/2017 16:44

If you don't want an abortion, don't have one. Yes, there will be sacrifices in terms if your career and financial situation but fundamentally if you're heartbroken at the thought maybe it isn't for you.

The best person to talk to would be an impartial counsellor. Have you spoken to anyone yet?

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pinkcandyflossy · 13/01/2017 16:57

If you want the baby then have it. Even the best jobs aren't as good as a lot of things life has to offer. You have ages to finish your degree if that's what you want, and these days a degree doesn't make all that difference to career ladder climbing. Experience is where it's at. Are you worried about letting down your parents etc by dropping out to have a baby because I understand that is a real worry for you. But it's your life and you can't make this decision to please others.

I think you need more time to think and seek proper advice. You have your whole life ahead of you and that doesn't change with a baby in tow.

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SuperUnicorn · 13/01/2017 18:03

I know three people who have been in the same position as you are now and they each decided on a different option.

One chose to keep her baby, she gave up uni and got a part time job. She was intending to go back and finish her course but she hasn't done so far.

One chose to have the baby but have them adopted right after birth. She carried on with her course as much as she could and then caught up afterwards and graduated with the rest of her class.

One chose to have a termination.

All three of them are happy with their decisions and have all said (recently) they have no regrets. This is now a good 10 years ago for all three. You have lots of options, take your time to think about all that are open to you.

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FeelTheNoise · 13/01/2017 18:15

OP I'm very pro choice but it sounds as if every part of you has chosen one option, but you're about to do another.
Speaking from experience, being a young parent is hard, being a parent and student is hard, terminating if the decision is wrong can be devastating.
If you want to explore the practicalities of continuing the pregnancy and your degree, then I can offer lots of advice, but I'm not going to push that on you x

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GarrulousGrimoire · 13/01/2017 18:19

I'll be straight up, if you are distressed and crying up to the appointment I don't think they'll do it. I had an appointment for a termination and was in tears and visibly distressed, I opted on that day not to go ahead and the nurse was very clear they wouldn't have done it anyway.

I did in fact 1 week later choose to terminate and I was clear on that decision, I have the odd pang but it was the RIGHT decision at that time.

You have to be sure, I don't think in your current mindset you should abort. Your life may look different than you planned but I'm sure it would still be a good life with a child.

Go see a counsellor and see if that helps before going ahead.

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Ilovecaindingle · 13/01/2017 18:25

Many young mothers do return to education in the future.
If you have an abortion to continue your studies will you be in the right frame of mind to return afterwards if you are having such doubts? You may end up leaving your course anyway.

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iloveeverykindofcat · 13/01/2017 18:40

Speaking as a lecturer, please talk to your university. Do you have a personal tutor? If you don't feel comfortable with him or her, go to the head of school. This won't be the first time they've had a pregnant student, and will be able to discuss your options whether or not you decide to go ahead. This may mean a suspension of studies, perhaps returning on a part time basis at some point. Having the baby doesn't necessarily mean the end of your studies.

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Obsessedalready · 13/01/2017 18:47

Honestly you really don't sound like you want an abortion. If you don't feel that you would be mostly relieved after then don't go through with it (it's ok to be a little sad, but not heartbroken).

Life sometimes throws us unexpected curve balls. Don't make this decision based on money/career opportunities as you are still so young and most people haven't figured out what they are doing work wise at your age. You have plenty of time to sort that stuff out. If you have a safe place to live babies don't have to cost too much (especially with gifts from doting grandparents).

It will be hard but you will get through it!

It may be helpful to see in impartial counsellor who can work through your feelings.

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LadyMonicaBaddingham · 13/01/2017 19:01

Go and see your student's union. they will have all the information you need about being a student parent (and there are lots of them), otherwise they can help you access the support and assistance you could really do with right now. Un-Mumsnetty hugs from a former NUS officer. They can help, they really can...

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WantingBaby1 · 14/01/2017 10:03

Please talk to someone impartial. As well-meaning and supportive as many of the posters here are, and they really are, you may feel under pressure to keep an unexpected and unplanned for baby having posted on a site such as this. No one wants to have an abortion but unfortunately sometimes it is the best way out of an unplanned pregnancy. Financial support is something to consider. As is whether you can emotionally support this baby. You don't mention a partner, do you have a support network? Are you ready to raise a baby? It sounds like you are making a very brave decision to consider that perhaps this is not the best time for you to have a baby. Of course you are becoming attached and if you do abort it's only natural that you'll want and need to morn the loss. Be kind to yourself. It's a horrible place to be but it sounds like you're making a very brave and sensible choice.

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AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 14/01/2017 10:06

What about adoption? At least then the baby will go to someone who will love and treasure it, rather than never getting a chance at life.

for you, it must be a terribly difficult situation.

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Gooseberryfools · 14/01/2017 10:12

I couldn't have aborted either and it would have effected me long term.

What degree are you doing? Can it be switched to open university? Or have a year or twos break before returning?

You don't have to do a degree right now. You can always delay.

Go see student services and tell them everything. See what solutions are available

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Gooseberryfools · 14/01/2017 10:16

This really is the sort of thing student services deal with. People delay mid degree for many reasons. Bereavement, needing to be a carer for a family member, babies, stress, mental health issues.

Can you email them, out line the issue and ask for an appointment to discuss all the options.

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Gooseberryfools · 14/01/2017 10:17

Email student services.

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Branleuse · 14/01/2017 10:23

im pro choice and have had an abortion, but i didnt feel anything like as conflicted as you do. I dont think you should go through with it or youll be risking your mental health

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AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2017 10:49

💐. What a difficult decision Lovely.

Please go and speak to a couple of impartial people trained to help you make the best decision. I'd try a couple of clinics. Either way it's a decision that will be with you your whole life, don't worry about taking your time to make the best decision you can. Don't feel you HAVE to go through with an abortion to 'get a degree & get on in life' it's perfectly possible to do it with a baby, as many here will tell you.

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feelingAncient · 14/01/2017 10:56

How's your mum could she help a little with childcare

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UnbornMortificado · 14/01/2017 10:56

Ellie

I had DD1 at 17. Difference circumstances as I was already working but it did put my life on hold.

I'm pro-choice but you sound very conflicted. I think some real life impartial support would be beneficial.

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feelingAncient · 14/01/2017 11:02

Your body might be telling you something I'm choice but if you can't go through with it don't. Just remember that the baby will be with you for the next 18 years and after that will still need you. There are struggles talk to someone at uni they get this all the time some teachers let you bring your kids to class a girl in my degree class had a baby in our second year she missed 3 weeks and came in to about 80% of the lectures with the baby. Maybe ask your mum if she could take it for a day a week just until you get a job and can sort everything out. Does the dad know? Do you know who the dad is? Maybe there family would help out even if your not together you'd be surprised.

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OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 14/01/2017 11:13

you sound like you really don't know what to do. I've been there lovely, it feels like an impossible situation and no-one could blame you for any choice you make right now.

I was 19 when I got pregnant, and just starting my second year of uni. I went and spoke to my lecturers, and they were incredibly supportive, they really couldn't have done more to help. I decided to carry on with the pregnancy and uni, and just take it one day at a time. If you decide to continue the pregnancy, I can't recommend this enough - it gives you time and space to clear your head, with the option of suspending your studies for a year later on.

As it was I was lucky and DD was born on the last day of the academic year - obviously I missed a few lessons at the end, but I was going into class right up until I went into hospital to give birth. It was difficult, I'm not going to sugar coat it, but the support of the lecturers and my classmates got me through. I passed 2nd year, had the summer with DD, and went back in the September for 3rd year.

As a student parent you can get extra student finance and help with childcare costs, this was a godsend because she went to the campus nursery so she wasn't too far away. Balancing studying and parenting is really, really difficult, but it's doable and so rewarding. After thinking I'd need to drop out when I found out I was pregnant, I finished my degree on time and with a First and the best grades in my class.

Does your uni have a student parent society? The majority will be mature students but there will be other young parents who can give you words of wisdom and support. I started a blog about it when I was going through it and I've now finished so my blog is on a bit of a different tangent, but I know of a couple of young parent bloggers who are currently students, if you're interested in reading their experiences.

You've made the right choice in asking for support on Mumsnet; they helped me when I was pregnant and had no idea what to do. I was considering adoption, but they explained to me that it wasn't as easy as just handing the baby over and there isn't much support for birth parents relinquishing a baby in the UK, which is why I'm always sceptical when that is touted as a good idea on these threads.

I think you need to see someone impartial in real life to talk it through with you. Your uni should have a counselling service where you can talk about it in confidence, and if you have supportive lecturers they make the absolute world of difference. Whatever decision you come to, you have to be comfortable with it - it's clear that right now, you're not comfortable with abortion, so please don't rush into anything.

If you want any advice or even just to vent, just PM me I've been there x