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Early miscarriage. Any wise words?

(20 Posts)
Candycoatedwaterdrops30 Thu 29-Dec-16 19:59:06


I don't really know how to start this but I've been feeling very emotionally and physically drained and was after some support so I hope someone may be able to help. Apologies in advance if this is a bit of a ramble!

I found out I was pregnant (my first time) last week and was a bag of nerves about it but excited too as we desperately want a baby. We hadn't told anyone our news but while at my parents for Christmas, I had a lot of heavy bleeding and cramps and have been told that I have miscarried. I was 5 weeks +3 days which I know is early but it was a baby to us already and I'm heartbroken. I have ocd and depression and part of me feels like it's my own fault that it happened because i was worrying so much.

At the same time I feel like I'm desperately hanging onto false hope as I've not had a scan and I want so badly for the baby to be ok. People are saying that I need to look forward and try to move on but I am finding it so hard to do. Especially as both of my sisters are pregnant so I feel like a horrible person for feeling jealous of them.

How do you know when its all over? When can I try again? Is it normal to have nightmares?

Any thoughts or just knowing that I am not alone (although I wish no-one else has to go through this I know that sadly many will have) would be helpful. Thanks x

Kelsey28 Thu 29-Dec-16 20:03:21

I am so sorry you are going through this Candy. Please please please don't think that this is your fault. There is nothing you can do to prevent a miscarriage. As for feeling jealous of your sisters, I think that is entirely natural.

DoodleCat Thu 29-Dec-16 20:03:59

You're not alone, many of us have been through it, it doesn't help but I wanted to give you a hug. You'll never forget but it will get easier, I promise. Hard to do, and hard to say, but do look forward. I have 2 children now (but always remember my other). Give yourself lots of time to grieve, that's okay. X

UnicornPee Thu 29-Dec-16 20:09:11

I had a MC in May and got pregnant in June. I'm now 29 weeks x

StorminaBcup Thu 29-Dec-16 20:11:58

Sorry for your loss flowers

Firstly, it's not your fault. Anything at this stage is genetic / biological so it's nothing you could've done. I had a miscarriage at 6 wks but it took until around wk 9 until it was complete. Have you had any scans to confirm this?

You are advised to wait until you've had your next cycle, but this is so they can date your next pregnancy from your lmp. You can try again whenever you feel ready. It's a huge emotional rollercoaster, getting your head around being pregnant and then finding out you've lost it. Especially when everyone else and their dog seems to be pregnant. Be kind to yourself.

I'd probably ask for this to be moved to the miscarriage board; there are lots of lovely people on there who will be able to offer advice and support.

ScarletSienna Thu 29-Dec-16 20:18:45

I had a miscarriage at around 6 weeks and bled until 14 weeks ish. The doctors said to me there was nothing I had or hadn't done but it was hard to accept that. Feeling jealous is totally normal I think.
I still look at my son and wonder what his twin would have been like and I still have pangs of sadness which I allow myself-it's important to be kind to yourself flowers

rainbowstardrops Thu 29-Dec-16 20:29:57

I miscarried at a similar stage and just before Christmas nineteen years ago. I still think of my little one that wasn't to be.
I can only advise you to take each day as it comes and to try to go easy on yourself because it definitely won't have been your fault.
I remember thinking that everyone around me seemed to be pregnant - it's only natural to wish it was you.
So sorry for your loss flowers

Nishky Thu 29-Dec-16 20:32:15

Just wanted to say sorry for your loss xx

RumAppleGinger Thu 29-Dec-16 20:44:51

This was not your fault and your grief is absolutely legitimate. I am sorry for your loss. Sadly it will be hard to be around pregnant people for a while and not feel utterly jealous, this doesn't make you a bad person, simply someone coming to terms with the sadness of losing a pregnancy and all the hope that encompasses.

I miscarried at 8 weeks and was overwhelmed at the grief I felt. I never expected to feel that emotional about it. Please be kind to yourself, this wasn't your fault. This wasn't your fault. flowers

Pointlesscrap Thu 29-Dec-16 21:17:26

So sorry for your loss flowers

I had a miscarriage at 6weeks and then a stillborn at 34weeks. I've had 2 beautiful and healthy babies after all that trauma and I'm now 31weeks pregnant with a happy accident. Never lose hope. I always remember my two babies that I've lost there's absolutely nothing that you can do about it. Just allow yourself to grieve Hun without guilt. I wish you all the best 💞

Whatsername17 Thu 29-Dec-16 21:19:44

Give yourself some time and grieve for your loss. There is no right or wrong. I miscarried at 13 weeks in January. My baby had died a couple of weeks before. I wrapped my scan photo around my pregnancy tests and put them inside a 'stuff your own' bear that I bought from amazon. I'm 37 weeks pregnant now but I'll never forget my lost baby. The bear gives me something to hug when I sob my heart out. Do what feels right for you x

Candycoatedwaterdrops30 Thu 29-Dec-16 22:38:50

Thank you all for your responses. Although it saddens me that so many people have lost babies, it reassures me that there is hope and that it's ok for me to grieve. I find it very hard to be kind to myself sometimes so having a fresh perspective helps. Thank you.

I didn't realise there was a board specifically for miscarriages (I evidently didn't look very hard...) I hope people don't think I'm being insensitive by posting on here. I don't want to make expectant mums worry! X

PassTheCake82 Thu 29-Dec-16 23:06:09

I had a miscarriage earlier this year and was distraught. I too suffer from OCD and so my immediate thoughts turned to "what did I do wrong?". Fortunately, the midwife and staff were amazing with me and really encouraged me to focus on the positives - like the fact that I had been able to conceive in the first place and that my body would be ready again as soon as I was.

I was inconsolable at the time and there's not a day goes by that I don't think about it but keep looking forward - I am 39 weeks pregnant today. xx

divadee Fri 30-Dec-16 08:30:55

I had a miscarriage in March, 3 days after I got my positive. I'm now 35+4 so please don't give up hope.

Take time for yourself and your partner and talk about what you are feeling and thinking. It really does help. Xxxx

elpinguino Fri 30-Dec-16 08:46:59

Hi Candy, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Firstly, as others have said - this is not your fault. Nothing you did or didn't do would have made any difference. I lost my first pregnancy, my little tiny tiny baby at 5 +2 weeks in November. I too blamed myself and thought about every little thing I'd done and tried to link it - stress at work, a medium rare steak before I knew I was pregnant, there's a long list. But I'm now accepting that none of that made any difference at all.

Secondly, you are completely normal to feel jealous about your sisters' pregnancies, this should have been you too, it's natural to feel angry, sad and a whole range of emotions about it, while still being happy for them too. Time will heal, I can promise that. I have quite a few friends with tiny babies, and although they were really sensitive to my loss and asked if I'd rather not see them for a while, I actually found baby snuggles and talking to friends who have carried a tiny human in their belly and understand some of the feelings I was going through (about how attached you become, even at an early stage) really really comforting.

Miscarriage is still one of those taboo subjects. People don't like to talk about it often, perhaps because pregnancy is seen as such a happy time and the loss is so devastating. But I've found that talking about it really helps. So many of my family and friends have told me their own stories of loss, and then hope again. It will be very personal to you how much you want to talk about it and who you want to tell, just don't feel that you HAVE to keep quiet if you don't want to.

Finally, I wanted to offer you a tiny bit of hope. I miscarried at the end of November. On Christmas Day I found out I'm pregnant again. I'm really nervous, but feeling positive. As other ladies have said, the EPU or your GP will most likely tell you that waiting until after your next period to try again makes things easier for dating. But medically, once you've recovered physically from this loss, and to a certain extent emotionally too, enough to want to try again, there's no reason not to. So when the bleeding stops, and when you're ready, be that a few days later or a few months later, try again. Sending so much love and a big hug too. flowers

Candycoatedwaterdrops30 Sat 31-Dec-16 09:34:22

Thank you for the lovely messages.

I'm booked in for a scan (after asking gp repeatedly!) on Tues. In my heart I know I have miscarried but a part of me is desperately hoping that baby is still there... after heavy bleeding and cramps for 2 days followed by spotting (all bright red) I'm guessing it's all over. No more preg symptoms either n my breasts were rly achey before. I feel so stupid for even holding onto any hope but I just want to know for sure. I feel like I'm going to be devastated all over again come Tuesday sad

StorminaBcup Sat 31-Dec-16 14:12:02

It doesn't make it any better or any easier but the scan will hopefully provide an answer for you either way. It's exhausting reading online about other people's experiences and trying to second guess what's happening with your own body. There's millions of platitudes but it's a shitty thing to have to go through.

Waterfeature Sat 31-Dec-16 18:43:23

Echoing what everyone else said. Also, it's important to have a scan to check that the MC is complete. I know it's upsetting but sometimes tissue gets left behind, which can cause infection.

Candycoatedwaterdrops30 Tue 03-Jan-17 22:27:41

Just an update. Scan confirmed that it was a miscarriage and blood hcg down to 2. It was a complete miscarriage which I guess was the best news I could have had under the circumstances. Fingers crossed my cycle will b back to normal soon and I can conceive and have a healthy pregnancy when we're ready. Thanks again for all your support. x

sickofTeletubbies Tue 03-Jan-17 23:35:58

My story is very similar to yours. Found out I was pregnant one weekend and started bleeding the next weekend. I didn't seek medical help as I was scared that they would down play it. It was very real and I couldn't have someone take that away from me. Luckily (maybe luckily is the wrong word) I have PCOS so had prepared myself for a loss. You have to deal with it in your own way. I talked to friends and my DH, which was enough for me. I still think about that baby even though I am now pregnant again. Although it's perfectly safe to try straight away, we waited a month because I wanted my body to have a break.

As others have said this isn't the end of the road. In fact your more fertile in the months following a miscarriage. I got my BFP just 2 months later. But please take your time and don't feel you have to rush.

Another thing that helped me was knowing that a baby is 50% you and 50% your partner. It can never be 100% your fault. And it rarely is the fault of the parent. Babies are born to drug abusers and alcoholics. Surely there can't be anything more damaging to your body than alcohol or substance abuse.

Good luck for the future and be kind to yourself

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