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Miscarriage and friends

(21 Posts)
rookie80 Thu 29-Dec-16 18:29:57

Hi all,

I wondered if anyone has had similar experience to this as I am really struggling with it. I had a miscarriage just before Christmas at 12 weeks and one of the hardest things to deal with has been how rubbish my long term friends have been. My best friend has been great and a few of my other friends but those who have known me the longest have been shocking - just a quick text saying "sorry thinking of you" and then nothing! Am I expecting too much? It's so much to deal with losing a baby but feeling like you have lost friends too is awful. It has made me so angry! Even just a few more texts or a card or something would have been encouraging.

haveacupoftea Thu 29-Dec-16 18:32:43

They dont know what to say, and they know there's nothing they can do to take your pain away. I'm sorry for your loss, but don't shift the anger onto your friends flowers

UnicornPee Thu 29-Dec-16 18:36:12

It will be because they don't know the right thing to say or they will think they don't want to bother you as you might be getting lots of messages.
I had a MC in May but only told my OH & mum. I didn't want anyone messaging me I just wanted to get on with throngs.

BendingSpoons Thu 29-Dec-16 18:36:28

I'm sorry for your loss but I imagine they are giving you some space and don't know what to say.

Shainamarpia Thu 29-Dec-16 18:46:13

Aw God thats so horrible I'm so sorry for your loss. I wrote about my own experiences with miscarriage on here, I feel it helped me heal a little. I had one earlier in on in the year.
I have an understanding of how you feel, I wrote this on in my post
"It takes time not to be angry at the world for going on with their lives while your devastated and in so much emotional pain that it feels physical. 'Can't they see how much this hurts me im dying right now and no one cares i feel like my heart is broken and no one seems bothered how can they just go on like nothing has happened!!!'"

Sometimes friend a just don't know what to say or do. Sometimes they are so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't see how much things are getting you down and that's not their fault, their life goes on while yours feels like it's at a stand still.
You could meet up and explain to them or talk on the phone and vent if you are close with them I'm sure they will want to know I know I would if one of my close friends was going through this and felt I was brig insensitive.
Also I feel like there is a sort of nonchalant attitude towards miscarriage unless you've been through it yourself or are currently pregnant. I feel like people just think well it's nature's way and obviously wasn't meant to be but don't think about the huge impact it has on a person.

Sorry for the incredibly long post I just know what you're going through.
Long story short you're going to be angry for a while and you should talk about how you feel and not bottle it up that's not healthy. But also it's not your friends faults of what happened. Be steaming mad, scream, shout, cry because what happened is not fair but it wasn't anyones fault and you need to communicate people aren't mind readers. You may find they just don't understand or didn't realise how distant they have been.

I hope none of this is harsh reading I don't mean it to be, just trying to help smile

I'm so sorry for your loss, I wish you well for the future. I hope you find some peace smileflowers

knorrig Thu 29-Dec-16 18:46:22

This will be mainly because people don't know what to say - I think it's difficult if you haven't experienced it. Also, this will feel like a massive deal to you right now but whilst they sympathise, it's not a big thing to them.
I'm saying this as somebody who's had 2 mc's, luckily I did get support as my best friend had been through it herself and knew what to say - others gave sympathy treats straight after but that was all. To be honest I only really wanted to talk to my OH and best friend about it anyway.

Good luck to you, it does get easier 🌺

knorrig Thu 29-Dec-16 18:48:18

Cross posted with Shaina but we've pretty much said the same thing!

rookie80 Thu 29-Dec-16 18:55:35

Thank you for your responses. Of course I don't blame anyone else for what has happened and I don't want to be angry - I just thought that friends would say something and not just ignore it. I have jus found the so hurtful as they know I am very extrovert. Sorry to all who have gone through this - heartbroken for you too.

HomeIsWhereTheGinisNow Thu 29-Dec-16 18:58:39

I'm sorry to hear that OP. I've had a stillbirth and a miscarriage and most people had no idea what to say so hid. I think (and I do mean this gently because I've been through how devastating a loss can be), it's because miscarriage happens so often. They don't mean to be cruel and I bet if you asked for help they'd give it?

McBaby Thu 29-Dec-16 19:10:20

Tell them you need support. People le don't know what to say or if you want to talk about it. I wash open after my mmc at 10 weeks in the summer as talking about it helped me but my friends were not the ones to start the conversation. It is also v common so the more people you talk to the more people you find who have gone through it.

RockStonePebble Thu 29-Dec-16 19:16:14

I'm sorry for your loss. flowers

I think partly it's because people don't know what to say. I think people also fear saying the wrong thing and making you feel worse or being intrusive in some way.

Helspopje Thu 29-Dec-16 19:21:27

Christ alive 'people don't know what to say so they say nothing' is the biggest crock ever.

I've had a few losses and they really told me who my friends were. My sister who has never mentioned them has irrevocably damaged outer relationship. Her Dh told mine it was because she was pregnant and 'didn't want to think that such things could happen'.

It is a life altering experience and if friends can't bother their arse enough to get over themselves then they aren't worth a lot imho.

Sorry if this sounds ranty but people excusing shit reactions to pregnancy liss really boils my piss.

rookie80 Thu 29-Dec-16 19:29:49

Thank you all for your responses - this has helped a lot! At least I know others have experienced this.

Helspopje I cannot imagine going through that a number of times - I am so so sorry and you must be very strong. Thank you anyway for your honest and straightforward response - it may be ranty but that's also how I feel at the moment and honestly, I don't know if you intended to, but it made me laugh out loud for the first time since it happened! Yes, boiling piss just about sums it up!!!! But I am gonna get over my anger because I know it is destructive.

Thank you!

jpeg28 Thu 29-Dec-16 19:32:49

rookie I'm so so sorry for your loss.
The exact same thing happened to me. My closest friends were pretty useless and I was really upset at how they didn't check to see how I was, come round or anything. But now I realise that no one can understand unless they have been through it. I honestly think my friends thought I was over reacting or something! I truly hope it never happens to them, but if it unfortunately does I'll know how to be there for them.
I did have one friend who sent flowers from Australia!! That was incredible but that made me think my close friends were even more rubbish!
I'm now pregnant again and they aren't much better! I thought I had lost this pregnancy again early on and was in and out of hospital and again... nothing!! I think like I say, they have no idea and I try to think like that rather than thinking they are just selfish (maybe they are!)
I hope you're doing ok, I found mumsnet a lifeline after mine. flowers

Helspopje Thu 29-Dec-16 19:33:24


Autumnsunshinebaby Thu 29-Dec-16 19:33:31

I am upset on your behalf. First of all, I am so sorry you experienced a miscarriage. What a terrible blow. I also had one and found that people didn't know what to say. However I felt hurt that friends seemed to be lacking in the support department. I didn't need a brass band, but some texts or cards to see how I was doing or just to keep in contact would have been good. I felt that I would have got more sympathy and support if I had broken my leg.

Shainamarpia Thu 29-Dec-16 19:33:39

There's no time limit on when you need to stop being angry sad ECT. You're going through a death essentially therefor going through the grieving process. There's no timelimit on that. I felt better letting myself feel and not thinking I need to start getting over this (which I did in the begining) I sometimes still feel angry and that happened 8 months ago.

Fallonjamie Thu 29-Dec-16 19:40:12

I think some people don't know what to say but I accept that seems a lame excuse.

I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks and although it was upsetting, I didn't see it as a baby and I didn't grieve for a baby. I think it's something lots of women go through and it doesn't affect everyone in the same way.

I have always offered support to friends that have gone through it though because I know everyone is different.

Swearwolf Thu 29-Dec-16 19:41:03

I'm sorry for your loss, and that you're finding your friends aren't as supportive as you need. I agree that you need to tell them you need their support.

I'm going to offer a slightly different theory, that your friends don't realise how you're feeling because everyone feels and copes differently.

I had a mmc picked up at 13 weeks in March 2015, and my friends were similar - let me know they were there and asked how I was when we met, but generally didn't bring it up. And that was just what I needed. While I found the initial period of waiting for surgery, waiting for my body to get back to normal, and waiting to try again quite hard emotionally, it wasn't something I wanted to talk about with my friends. And I was pretty OK, actually. Because everyone deals differently, and your friends probably don't know that you do want to talk about it and that you're not OK.

Snowflakes1122 Thu 29-Dec-16 19:42:55

I'm so sorry you have been through this flowers

I miscarried at 13 weeks in July. I don't think anyone truly understands the emotions unless they have been through it.

I think some people don't know what to say to you. Talking about miscarriage is almost taboo, which makes it harder.

My friends were the same, they sort of just gave me space as they thought it's what I needed. No one really knew how to help.

How's your partner in all this? Are you getting support from him? It's important to talk through it all as much as you need with him. This helped me, as we were both going through it together.

It gets easier, it really does flowers

1980sChick Thu 29-Dec-16 19:47:36

So sorry you've had to go through this op, and I mean this with good intentions that you admit you're an extrovert so i this possibly why you're feeling they should be making more of an effort with you, in that you are expecting flowers and cards and visits off them all.

And I say that as someone who has gone through that 5 times and not once expected a card, I'm a completely private person so the thought of telling all my friends i've had a MC fills me with dread to be honest, the thought of them turning up with flowers and sympathy visits... i think id have to pretend I was out smile

What im trying to say in a not so great way is that because they may see you as the outgoing person Im sure you are, they feel a quick message to say thinking of you is enough and you'll bounce back, or perhaps they've gone through it themselves and just not told every single person so its bringing back horrible memories for them.

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