newly pregnant for first time - help re: MIL(35 Posts)
I'm new to this! I have recently found out I am pregnant after ttc for 6 months! Hubby and I are so overjoyed and excited. I haven't had my first scan or anything yet I think I am around 6 weeks pregnant judging by last period etc. I found out 4 days ago and hubby has broke the news to his mum.
Hubbys mum has now bought a load of items for the baby such as bottles, a cot, ordered a pram and clothes. I am absolutely furious and so is my hubby - she didn't ask us if we wanted this stuff or run past us what it looked like but told us I got you this, and this, you don't need to buy x and y but you need to do a and b as if its her baby? don't get me wrong - I am so appreciative she wanted to spend money on our baby etc however I AM ONLY 6 WEEKS GONE (IF EVEN) and I haven't had a scan yet, and her buying everything is really stressing me out. My hubby told her we'd prefer to wait at least until 12 weeks before we buy anything but she just doesn't seem to get it. It is really stressing me out. is she going to attempt to take control over my baby when it gets here? How can we get through to her? Like she just doesn't get that we want to be the parents and make the decisions and this is her chance to take a step back and be a grandparent?
I told her I wanted to breast feed and she went and bought formula and bottles? is this for real right now?!
Any advice welcome please
Oh god your husband needs to set boundaries now, otherwise she's going to interfere forever more. Your DH needs to sit her down, thank her but be firm. She needs to return the formula at least, of not other kit until nearer the time.
Oh dear. It seems like she's over excited. I think you must sit her down and discuss this: WE will be the ones to choose the prom, WE will be the ones to decide how to feed the baby, whatever message you need to get across.
I'm afraid that unless you nip this in the bud it'll only get worse when the baby comes
Does she have form for being controlling/crazy?
Buying a cot or pram for someone without them seeing it and when they are only 6 weeks is not a normal thing to do.
I get that she would be excited to be a grandparent but she does need to be told to reign her excitement in considerably. Your DH needs to tell her to stop buying things and that you would like to choose things when the time comes because it is your child.
Put your foot down now and establish those boundaries.
Does she live nearby?
Oh god!! Your Dh needs to tell her to return it and wait until you're further along, and let you choose your own things!! Of course she's excited and perfectly entitled to buy presents but not all that stuff, that's yours to choose and it's so much fun. Congratulations!!!
She lives a few streets away and my mum passed away a few years ago so I think thats why it bugs me so much as well because I know my own mum wouldn't be so overbearing!! Like I'd love to be able to bond with her and be excited with her seeing I can't do that with my own mum but she makes it so difficult.
She is a very controlling person, I do think she means well at heart but she's just very particular and very stuck in always being in control! I am so pleased all you ladies agree and I am not being over sensitive about the whole thing. Hubby does seem to be on board about putting foot down etc so I will tell him he needs to just be firm with her and say thanks but this is how we are going to do things! He even said today he wishes we hadn't told her yet because she's going so bonkers. Like I feel like I can't even enjoy these first few weeks as its just causing me to worry more, like what if something happens and all this stuff is waiting there at her house!! what will she be like then!!
Thank you all so much I really am so grateful for your support
She'd be returning the lot if she was my mil and she's be given boundaries told not to do or buy anything without being asked.
Don't let this or anything else go, or you'll be making a rod for your own back.
be firm, it's the only way.
Oh, be very careful what you tell her too as she may twist your words if she likes getting her own way and lots of attention.
This would piss me off. You need to choose the buggy, cot that suits your needs.
Helpful grandparents offer to help pay for the big items or offer
She sounds bonkers.
As you say it is too early but by far the worst thing about this is that YOU wanted to enjoy buying these items. It is a nice part of preparing for having a baby. And I think that it gets you ready psychologically too: you pick up a magasine that reviews prams for example, then you read reviews, then find out a further bit of info and so on. You start to get ideas of the sort of things that you think you would like to do when a parent. I'm afraid she needs to return it all. It's not due to being ungrateful, its because you both need the enjoyment and the process of building up a life for your baby.
Def nip it in the bud now, having been there and done that I wished I'd spoken up at the start. It took for us to have a huge bust up later on before she stopped and now she has gone to the other extreme. Congratulations by the way x
Tell her you have chosen lots of things already but you are sure the charity shop in town will be very grateful for her donations.In future keep all info to yourself for as long as possible or she will be onto the council buying a car park space in the maternity unit....
Good lord! Your DH really needs to handle this, kindly but firmly.
I would have a conversation along these lines: She will be having fun choosing all of these things. Because it is fun. And that is why it must be your prerogative, as the parents. While (being generous!) it comes from a kind and generous place it is really not fair of her to do this on your behalf, and it's overwhelming.
Start kind but firm but be prepared to step up the message if you need to! You definitely can't let it go, you will spend years being outdone by piles at Christmas, extra stockings etc. It's your child.
Your DH needs to deal with this. His fuck up in telling her so soon in the first place, and it's his mother so he needs to be the one to tell her to wind her neck in and take a big step back.
Tell her it is too early for these things. I know she is excited, but she has to find her role - which is NOT to take over anything at all. If she does not get the message now, then things can only get worse! Good luck!
And congratulations of course.
1) you're gonna need her for babysitting- be nice
2) you may have a son who in 25 years time announces he and his GF are expecting- you may become the extremely exctied MIL
3) let her spend her money on things for you. It saves yours. If you don't like what she's buying then she can have that at her house and you can buy your own version
4) it's better to have a GP who is happy and excited than one who doesn't care or doesn't contribute.
Let's say she's called Mary. I'd say "woah chill Mary, let's make sure all is ok with the baby first and then we will start looking at what pram we won't etc etc, plenty of time"
She needs to return the lot. If she refuses
Tell her bluntly that she has wasted her money.
How you feed your child will be down to you both as parents.
The peak you choose will be your choice based on how you get around. Either suitable for transport or the boot. Plus where to leave in your home.
The cot again your choice as you might decide to get a cosleeping/feeding one. To convert into a toddlers bed etc.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP!
MIL sounds fucking batshit.
There is being excited about a future grandchild (normal) and BUYING A COT and ORDERING A PRAM for someone else's 6-week pregnancy (really not fucking normal).
I wouldn't mind betting that there must be a lot of other issues with MIL overstepping boundaries, and it's so important that your DH starts - and continues - enforcing them to protect you all.
I suggest you get a copy of "Toxic Inlaws" for yourself to read and "Toxic Parents" for him to read.
Eek, this would really upset me. I know my mum's desperate to buy stuff, but she knew we wanted to wait until 20 week scan, then she's just bought us a few bits and bobs for Xmas. She also wants to buy the pram, and we're very grateful for that and sell going together to choose it.
Definitely agree that your DH needs to have strong words.
Congrats on your pregnancy!
PS Forgot to say this is my first post, but you would get good advice on dealing with MIL if you posted in the Relationships section... in a way I think it's more about her than the pregnancy IYSWIM? Even though it's the pregnancy that has triggered her behaviour.
A few words:
all this done now!
No way!!!! Formula and bottles? pram???!!!!
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