Don't need to hear how awful it'll be!(48 Posts)
So I'm 31w pregnant and I feel like all anyone is telling me is how hard I'm going to find everything.
Whether it is labour, or breastfeeding or lack of sleep... apparently it's all horrible and I'll hate it.
Now I'm not entering into this with rose tinted glasses but women have been doing this for centuries, and not only once, people obviously find it so manageable that they have more than one baby!!!
I don't think it helps that my husband and I have an active and sociable life. We enjoy going out, having nice holidays, we have nice cars etc, so I think they all think we're going to have a breakdown if any of that changes.
Really this is just a moan but I wondered if anyone had any kind words to ease my irritation at them.
Yes it's hard. But it's also brilliant. And I got more sleep in the first three months after DD was born than I did in the last trimester of pregnancy.
Plan for the worst, hope for the best, you'll probably wind up somewhere in the middle.
Honestly I had a horrific labour and an emergency csection with ds and I still say labour, birth and having a newborn is easier than pregnancy!
I'm 34 weeks pregnant and I can't wait to give birth so I can bend over again, eat what I want, not have heartburn, be able to see my toes, sleep on my stomach, not have to get up to wee 500000 times a night and not have sore ribs from being kicked constantly!
It's wonderful and you will love it
Seriously, it's as difficult as you make it so just relax and 'go with it'
I'm pregnant with my 4th. I'm not going to lie, having a newborn is hard. Having a 2 year old is harder, but it's not relentlessly hard. There will be amazing times and it's so fun.
I got really worked up before as everyone made out it was the end of my life/I'd never sleep again. 20 weeks in and loving it. Yeah I don't get much sleep but honestly it's not half as hard as everyone was making out! I still have a really active social life although admittedly more lunches than dinners now! And don't stress about the birth. Its not nice but you'll soon forget. That's just my experience but I'm sure you'll be fine. People wouldn't keep having children if it was that bad.
My sister had her 1st baby Feb this year. She previously enjoyed holidays twice a yr. Going out. Socialising, having friends over to stay, getting her hair done....tans, basically had a lovely life.....and still does all those things with a 10mth old!! Don't listen to negative stuff.
I had 2 very easy pregnancies and labours. No issues breastfeeding, sleeping is fine. They have just slotted into our lives. I don't socialise much. My own choice.
Some people will see it as bragging so I don't say much, meh.
It's bloody great too. Honestly! But it's only when you look back that you realise. If you're talking to people who are still in the first year in particular you might get quite a skewed version.
I feel you!
I'm 30 weeks and someone actually told me my "life will be over" in 10 weeks time. How harsh! Jeeze!
Everyone seems to become ever so gleeful telling me how little sleep I'm going to have, how hard everything will be.. even how awful it's going to be for my poor vajayjay! (A slightly strange thing for a friend to mention too I feel!)
It really is hard but so is everything that's worth doing.
Sometimes, as an exhausted parent listening to an expectant parent telling you how they're not going to let the baby change them/their social life/dress sense
like you did , it's hard to bite your tongue
Labour really wasn't THAT bad I found tbf not like everyone makes out, I mean yeah it hurts but it's bearable you will get through it. I managed on gas & air.
If you have a supportive partner you'll probably be fine, I used to get up in the night then dd used to wake first thing and dp would get up with her and let me sleep, I'd say she was a good baby though would go to bed around 11pm probably wake in the night at some point but then not wake up till gone 11am. But I'd be a naughty mummy and end up having her in my bed with me, I wouldn't advice that cos they get used to it too. Once I got her in her own room around 7months I managed to get her to bed 7pm sleeping through till 9am. Just depends on the baby.
I found after I didn't have much of a social life, didn't leave the house much unless it was a walk to the shops, waiting in for dp to finish work. Unless it was the weekend and we'd go on days out or I'd meet a friend.
Also we had our first family holiday abroad this year, dd 2 now. It was fine but be obviously you can't just lay there an sun bathe and relax always one of you will be running around
I had exactly the same thing - this end every congratulations came with a "just you wait" and every speech/mention at family gatherings contained a "you have no idea what you're in for, it's going to be awful and you'll never sleep again" and I was so worried by the time LO showed up.
On the plus side, after all the horror stories about labour and compared to what I'd thought it would be like, it was a breeze and as PPs have said, what no-one tells you is just how amazing the whole experience is. I know I'm very lucky, but I honestly look back on that day as the happiest of my life, despite the pain. No-one would reproduce more than once if all the late nights/nappy changes/life changes weren't worth it.
I wouldn't change my boy for the world, and you'll be just fine. Just nod and smile and rest assured that for all the bad bits, there are so many more lovely ones. Congratulations and good luck!
I think it's much more likely that people are thinking more about themselves when they share these experiences and less about you.
Perhaps you could try to look at things from their perspective and ask if they're doing ok, do they have enough suppport, what would they do differently to make things a bit easier that you could learn from?
Maybe what they're saying is a bit of a cry for help, or search for solidarity of some kind as they navigate one of life's most difficult journeys on their own, you know... the ones people have been managing for centuries as you say that can't be that hard right?
In a nutshell, maybe just asking if they're ok rather than assuming that they're just out to annoy you would ease your irritation.
Empathising with other parents is one of the best ways to learn about parenting in my experience, now would be a good time to start.
Fwiw, my best friend gave birth this year. I was honest with her about how it had been for ME. My motivation was to reassure her that if she did find things difficult that she would be able to tell me.
As it is, she is exhausted but on cloud nine.
It's hard to explain in what ways it can be hard, but equally some people find it easy! I wouldn't comment to someone with whom I wasn't close though.
It's difficult, because if everyone tells you it'll be a breeze, wonderful amazing, then you could end up having a terrible shock when reality hits and then feel a million times worse believing you're the only one to struggle. On the other hand, what other people find hard might not be what you find hard (indeed you might breeze through it like Mother Earth from Day 1), and some of them do just like to shit stir rather than say anything helpful.
I'm expecting my 3rd so it cant be that bad I can do labour, breast feeding and night feeds anything has to be better than the insomnia, heartburn, back ache, cramp, breathlessness, sickness.
I loved my labour! Would do it every day if I could! Breastfeeding was absolutely fine for us and we kept it up for just over 2 years. Sleep deprivation is tough, but it gets better and is totally worth it!
Ignore all the negativity. This is your story, not theirs.
Ignore it's all relevant I had a crap first pregnancy, spd, reoccurring thrush. And a horrific torn placenta after giving birth, struggling with breast feeding and then a poorly baby with allergies and reflux BUT !! I've got a wonderful nearly 4 year old daughter and doing it all again as we've just found out we are pregnant again whoop whoop !! Can't wait !!
Congratulations love xx
I had this too, all I heard was how painful childbirth is, all the things hat can go wrong in labour and then how I'd never have a life, would never have a hot cup of tea again, and forget about being able to have a shower in peace...
I was prepared for the worst, and so found it comparatively easy In retrospect, I'm glad of it as other friends I know have really struggled as they expected it all to be easy and to come naturally to them, and found it really hard when it didn't. So there's aometthing to be said for having low expectations
You can still have a social life: small babies really are very portable (toddlers less so, but worry about that when you get to it!).
I keep accidentally making it sound awful- thing is, both labour and parenting are relentless and unending and amazingly fulfilling!
I despaired when a mum whose baby was a couple of months older told me I didn't know I was born, just you wait until he can crawl etc... She had an easy newborn who steadily got harder. I had a trying newborn who continued to be a trying toddler. It never got any harder than those first few weeks. My DSis said, wait till he's a teenager... But again, he never got harder. From seven on he got easier every day!
In a way I think it's better to be prepared for it being very hard...
if you're lucky (easy pregnancy, easy labour, baby that cooperates with your ideas...) then that's great.
But if you're unlucky (pregnancy complications can cause long term damage, childbirth can leave you with months of difficult recovery, babies can have reflux and colic and refuse to sleep if not held upright constantly....) then at least you've been warned that it can be very very hard so hopefully you'll have lined up some sources of help and support, got some ready meals in the fridge etc etc.
FWIW I had a really difficult first few months and the rose-tinted view of parenting I'd had before really didn't help me to cope, in fact it contributed to my PND as I felt like everybody else found this easy.
So try not to get annoyed with people telling you it can be hard: it may not feel like it now, but they are actually trying to be helpful and kind.
Also as somebody said up thread, anybody who's had a baby recently and is telling you it's hard may actually need some support.
Hope everything goes well for you and that your baby slots into your life!
If it's any consolidation, my labour was long but not horrific and I didn't find breastfeeding particularly difficult. I read a lot about breastfeeding whilst pregnant so I think I was a bit more relaxed about things and knew things like cluster feeding were very normal which I would say helped me a lot.
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