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Life during and after miscarriage(2 Posts)
So I'm new here to mum's net. I've looked on it many time this year for advice, reasurance and comfort.
I feel I need to get my story out there, sometimes I feel no one understands, I feel my partner doesn't understand and I need to scream about it to get anyone to even comprehend a little how I feel. I know in my logical moments like right now that my partner went through just as much as I did and felt the pain I felt, he just has a different way of dealing with his pain than me. I also know that it is different for a woman to go through a miscarriage than a man no matter how involved and supportive they have been. I know I need to get better at coming to terms with what has happened, especially now that I'm pregnant again.
So I'm hoping maybe someone will have some advice or words of wisdom for me.
Anyway I might waffle and go off on tangents but I need to get this out to people who may understand and won't pity me or judge me, to people I can't look in their eyes and see how hurt they are this happened to us or to my partner who I can see every time this subject is brought up is devastated more so for me than him, he thinks he hides it well but I see him.
My little story for anyone who is reading-
Earlier this year I got pregnant, it was a massive shock and very unexpected as we used protection but it broke (sorry for the details). At the beginning I was so upset and thinking about all the things I'd not longer be able to do and the huge impact this would have on my life ECT. This went on for a couple of days but the more I thought about it the happier I was becoming. Myself and my partner became so excited about having our own little bubba, our own little family. We were really looking forward to it. Then when I was around 5 and a half weeks I started to bleed very lightly, I wasn't getting any cramping ECT. So I went to the doctors and she sent me to the hospital to the early pregnancy unit, they were very nice and supportive (I must say at this point I felt very bad for my partner as all the health professionals we had come into contacontact with at this point, doctors, nurses, sonographer ect were all very supportive toward me but he was neglected in the support we both thought, i understand it's my body but it was both of our baby he was scared and worried too) I got a scan done and we got to see our little baby who by this point should have been 6 weeks, the sonographer said that baby was a little small for how far along I was but that everything else looked okay, I was only half listening holding my partner's had mesmerized looking at the little dot on the screen, that was our little baby everything seemed perfect in that moment, I was so very happy. We spoke to a nurse afterwards who reiterated what the sonographer said, the baby was small but to be "cautiously optamistic" the bleeding could just be implantation as everything looked okay and if anymore bleeding or pain over the weekend (this was a friday) then to contact the number for out of she had given me.
So we went home very happy, we had gotten to see our little baby, we were in a little bubble for the rest of the day it felt as though nothing could go wrong, nothing could touch us. The bleeding continued the whole day on Saturday no heavier than before (very light pink) so I wasn't too concerned. On Sunday I was working night shift so I was sleeping most of the day, I was woken up with a wet feeling down below, there was more blood, not lots but a little less than my normal period. I was worried I looked on the internet on mumsnet ect.and read other people's experiences with this there was a mixed bunch of experiences some telling me not to worry and some telling me this was bad and sharing their experiences of miscarriage. I didn't know what to do I was terrified now, i was 23 and it was my first pregnancy, my partner was trying to com for me telling me this would be okay and not to worry that the nurse said it's normal to bleed sometimes ECT. I knew something was wrong I could feel something just wasn't right. But I went to work anyway as the bleeding had settled. At 3.30am while I was at work I started passing big blood clots. I phoned the out of hours number the nurse had given me straight away and told them what was happening. She asked if I was in a lot of pain which I wasn't in any pain at all, she asked how much I was bleeding and if it was enough to go through a sanitary towel in 1 hour, it wasn't. She said the best thing for me to do was contact my manager and go home as they didn't have any access to the ultra sound machines during the night so there would be nothing they could do at that minute. She informed me she would pass on a message to the early pregnancy unit first thing in the morning and they would call me first thing. After I got off the phone everything stopped. Nothing existed for what feel like ages. Then it was almost like the whole worked rushed up and smacked me in the face, I burst into tears I fell to my knees as I couldn't stand anymore my heart burst so bad I was clawing at my chest, I tried to scream but I was silent. So I was in my work at 3.45am by this point silently screaming on the floor crying so hard I couldn't see. I knew what was happening i was losing my baby. I don't know how long I was on that floor for but when I got myself together I phoned my partner and manager. They both came to my work my manager covered the rest of my shift and my partner took me home.
The hardest phone call I ever had to make in my life was to him saying I think that's it, I think I'm losing our baby, help me. I didn't know what I wanted him to do I just needed help.
Once we were home he held me in his arm while I screamed and cried into his chest. I didn't get any sleep that night.
I'm the morning a nurse called me back. I understand they deal with these kinds of things all day but I have never heard someone so desensitized to a situation like this in my life I couldn't believe what this woman was saying to me. I picked up the phone said hello ECT. She said so miss aitchison you're having a miscarriage? I told her i was 23 this was my first pregnancy had no idea what was happening to my body I was terrified and no I didn't k ow 100%that it was a miscarriage and I needed a scan. She informed me that because I had had a scan on the Friday that they couldn't do another on until the Friday of that week and if things got any worse pain and bleeding wise to give a phone back but I seemed to be managing with it well at home so that was the best thing to do, stay at home and rest. I got my appointment time and she hung up. If never been so confused or lost in my life. Here we are 2 young people having to muddle through this ourselves. They scariest thing that has happened to either of us ever losing our baby and we had no support from them.
My partner was with me every step of the way. Every time I went to the toilet he came or I shouted him, because i I was that terrified. Then one trip to the toilet I seen a sack and knew this was our little bubba. I shouted him through and I cried and cried I never felt to devastated. He went pure white and vomited In the sink.
Long story short we said our goodbyes.
It was one of the most heart breaking difficult things that have ever happened to me in my life.
Once that had happened I didnt feel pregnant anymore (breast tenderness gone, tiredness gone). The mix of emotions I went through were enough to cripple me. I felt obvious sadness, heartache it felt as though my heart was broken, I felt anger at myself at my partner at random people I would see with children think why can they have their babies but I cant have mines basically I felt angry at the whole world, I felt guilt, I felt so guilty I lost the baby, I felt so bad for my partner thinking why couldn't I give him his baby we deserved our baby why couldn't I give him it. Rationally now I know it wasn't my fault but at the time I couldn't think straight.
I'm not quite sure I've gotten to acceptance yet, maybe I will maybe I won't, I'm still going through the grieving process and I won't rush it. This happened 8 months ago and I think about our baby every single day. I still cry to the point of those silent tears where you can't get anything out anymore my heart still aches. It affect our relationship it put such a strain on us, it's not that one didn't support the other or we blamed each other or we stayed angry at each other it's just the emotional turmoil you go through. One minute you see your life together one way then everything changes instantly into another way when you find out your pregnant to accommodate this beautiful baby you'll be bringing up together to all of a sudden the future look blank you both have no idea what you're doing now, you see a baby in your future but that baby is no longer there and you don't know how to handle that as individuals never mind as a couple. It takes time to learn how to move on in a healthy way and be together on the same page again.
It takes time not to be angry at the world for going on with their lives while your devastated and in so much emotional pain that it feels physical. 'Can't they see how much this hurts me im dying right now and no one cares i feel like my heart is broken and no one seems bothered how can they just go on like nothing has happened!!!'
Its still an on going thing for us but we are managing to move on as best we can we talk about the baby when we feel we need to we don't keep the subject off limits just because it upsets us we are growing stronger as a couple every day.
Miscarriage does take time to move on from as I said 8 months down the line and I still haven't completely accepted it but for anyone who's has gone through it or is going through it, it will get easier. You will be able to breathe again, you will be able to look at children again without crying for feeling anger, you will be able to sleep again, you will get your appitie back, you will be able to bare being around people again and you will be able to bare brig with your partner intimately again without being scared or sad or feeling guilt.
I'm 5 weeks pregnant now and terrified but I've been through something terrifying, I'll be strong enough to get through this whether it be the happiest time of my life I'll try get through it without stressing or worrying too much, or it goes the other way I know I'll be strong enough to live through it.
There will be people who say don't think about it you should enjoy your pregnancy and not worry you're going to miscarry again, if you've had a miscarriage then you'll know there is no way you can't worry about it. I'm not letting it take over though, I've learned to take things as they come.
Whatever happens I'll live I'll be stronger ill have hope and I'll survive.
That's my story.
Thankyou for sharing, miscarriage is a very sad, confusing, heartbreaking experience and I'm glad you are healing. Wishing you a happy, healthy 9 months
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