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Why am I not excited about having a baby?

(20 Posts)
yazminkett1 Mon 21-Nov-16 19:54:55

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and I'm finding it difficult to be excited about the fast approaching birth of my daughter.
My partner left me after I become pregnant, saying that he wasn't ready to be a family and is now deployed in Kenya. (In the British Army).
I also found out I have placenta previa, which is causing me to bleed almost daily.
Everyone around me is getting more and more excited, but to me it still doesn't feel real. I can't even imagine having a child. If it wasn't for my Mum, I wouldn't even have any baby things yet. I love babies!... but I can't bring myself to think of her as a person who need possessions.
I feel like such a horrible person! I feel her move, I know she's in there. People talk about loving their unborn children and I can't even think of her as a person.
Please say this will change. I really want to be a good Mother to her.

Saku Tue 22-Nov-16 00:45:56

Think it is a silver line in your life surrounded by dark clouds....... God always want to give you happiness when you are gloomy..
God has thought everything for you......... dont see her as burden.. she is coming to your life to bring happiness and joy.. accept it with your both hands.. and with heart full of love.. because she is coming for you ..from you..
you look in pregnancy depression... Please talk to your midwife about it and support .. even if you dont want to disclose your Identity .. there are some midwifes (numbers easily found online).. who can give you support... just you need to take a little step towards it.. just ring their number.. thats it

BonesyBones Tue 22-Nov-16 01:13:01

If you're worried about not feeling anything then you're not a bad parent (or almost-parent). You're worried because you care.

Please talk to your midwife, feeling like this is unbelievably common and is not necessarily a reflection of how you will feel when the baby is born. Even if you do continue to feel like this, there is support available.

For context I was incredibly excited about having DS1, was totally in love with this tiny human growing inside of me, then after his birth I instantly felt the complete opposite. I suffered terribly with postnatal depression and don't think I really felt a proper maternal love for him for around 4/5 years. It was a very slow process but all turned out well in the end smile

With DS2 I couldn't even register I was pregnant until I was in labour, completely ignored it, bought only the bare minimum in baby things. Funnily enough it all flipped around again when he was born and I couldn't bear to be without him. Wouldn't put him down for hours at a time, woke to every single squeak through the night etc.

How you feel now does not dictate how you will feel after birth, but worrying about your baby, or even that you may not be ready/suitable for them indicates that you do have protective feelings towards them already. Pregnancy is long and tiring. The excitement you're expecting may still come.

The most important thing is to vocalise your feelings and help yourself to understand them. Make sure you have someone (midwife, mum, a friend etc.) to support you and listen to you.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

ConvincingLiar Tue 22-Nov-16 07:22:40

You've had a tough time recently, it's no wonder you're not excited. I expect you may well feel different when the baby arrives, that's she it becomes real.

INeedNewShoes Tue 22-Nov-16 07:30:17

It is very common to feel like this during pregnancy. It is not that you are a 'horrible person'!

You've got a lot going on... bleeding daily probably means you have low-level worry about the pregnancy daily as you're constantly reminded.

Your relationship situation is not what you would have imagined.

I'm 15 weeks pregnant and I do not feel excited (despite having fertility treatment to get pregnant). For me this is because I'm a worry wart and won't believe I'll have a baby until I see one! Its also slight denial because my finances are going to be tricky once the baby arrives so I'm burying my head in the sand about that. I've also battled hormones in this pregnancy that have made me feel a bit depressed.

Do talk to your midwife. She'll have heard this loads of times and may have something useful to say, or at least will know that you need a bit of support on this side of things.

Cguk81 Tue 22-Nov-16 07:36:32

Please don't worry. This is normal and lots of people feel this way. The fact that you are even worrying about it enough to post on here indicates that you are going to be a super mum and that you do care. Don't put any pressure on yourself to feel the 'right' way. You've had a lot to deal with with a break up and the previa,both stressful things so it's to be expected that you are not bursting with the joys of spring but that doesn't mean you don't care. Just wait and see how how you feel when baby arrives. I'm sure you will do just great.

SharkBastard Tue 22-Nov-16 07:57:45

I felt just like you when pregnant with DD 9 years ago, I literally could write your post word for word.

9 years later and my DD is the best thing that happened to me. I was alone during the pregnancy, and her father has never met her. I didn't buy anything baby related, but the moment they handed her to me, I've never felt anything but love for her.

It's hard to love someone you've never met, or even imagine what they look like, but I bet the moment you lay eyes on her you'll go "oh, hello, it's you, I've been waiting for you"

I'm now 18 weeks pregnant with number 2, happily married and my DH is the best dad my DD could ask for.

You will love her, I have every confidence in you!

bluelilies Tue 22-Nov-16 08:03:37

I think you answered your own question. You're not excited because it doesn't seem real yet. But it will!! A real life warm, cuddly baby feels very, very real. And it may also start to feel a bit more real as you get bigger and can feel the baby moving more clearly, but I don't think you need to beat yourself up about not"loving" a bump. You can only ever love an imaginary baby at your stage - you haven't met your baby yet.

And I don't think I owned any baby stuff so 25 weeks with my first, so sounds like you're ahead of the game there.

neonrainbow Tue 22-Nov-16 08:15:09

Im 26 weeks pg and still in my head, i don't really believe I'm pregnant. Babies happen to other people. I'm feeling really overwhelmed and i havent got half the stuff you have to deal with. It's feeling more real now i can feel them move and of course i want them but I'm also scared of the massive life change and worried that I'm just being naive and burying my head in the sand. It doesnt help at all that so many people are falling over themselves to tell me how hard is going to be.

AcademicNerd Tue 22-Nov-16 10:59:11

Do you spend much time with babies? I've recently held a six week old and a toddler, both the same gender of baby I'm having, and that made it feel very real. Particularly the crying and the getting spat up on! The little one fell asleep on my shoulder, which was the best.

Try searching online for mums/bumps/baby clubs in your area.

bronaghclark234 Wed 25-Oct-17 00:40:59

im 34 weeks pregnant, and im not at all excited about being pregnant or having the baby, i hate it when the baby kicks, i feel like im going to be a bad mum,is this normal?

ChocolatePancake Wed 25-Oct-17 01:00:45

It's very normal. I felt nothing for my unborn children yet I now love them so much that words fall short, it's the kind of love that you can never imagine until you've had children.
With my eldest I thought I'd love him as soon as he was born and I didn't, but over time he became my best friend. He is hands down the best thing that ever happened to me, he taught me how to love with all my heart and he taught me how to be a better person.
With my youngest I loved him straight away, there was an instant bond... it was different but every bit as real, it made the newborn phase a little easier having an instant bond but has changed nothing else so don't feel guilty if you don't have that.
With neither of my pregnancies (or this one) did/do I feel anything for them really, other than I care about them and what happens to them... it's like the beginning of love, the seeds being planted. But instant love on conception just is not how my brain works.
Don't worry! It's normal flowers

bronaghclark234 Wed 25-Oct-17 01:04:10

thank you, ive been feeling horrible, thought there was something wrong with me!

butterybean Wed 25-Oct-17 10:27:48

I'm 41+1 and still feel like this - I've felt it all the way through pregnancy and even booked a termination at 22 weeks but couldn't go through with it. I've been through the mental health assessment and strangely they didnt diagnose AND but did offer fluoxitine which i turned down. I don't have any answers for you except sympathy - it's a long time to feel so down and like a bad person. I just hope things change when baby arrives. I will let you know.

I didn't buy a single thing for baby - couldn't bring myself to even go shopping for stuff, so my mum has sorted it all out which is nice of her. I'm still considering adoption though so may not need it all. Sending love.

bronaghclark234 Wed 25-Oct-17 15:07:08

it really isnt nice feeling this way, it doesnt help when i have anxiety and depression anyway, i just hope things change when shes born because i really do want to be able to bond with her, like i feel love towards her but its not the way i think i should be feeling... hope all goes well for you too!

samanthax2 Tue 31-Oct-17 18:32:34

I am currently feeling no bond with my unborn child at the moment and I feel terrible for it this will be my first child I am 13 weeks

M1m0sa Thu 02-Nov-17 20:17:44

I'm almost 12 weeks into a highly-engineered reproductive effort. Yet, ever since I found out, I haven't felt elated, NOT EVEN ONCE. Very confusing seeing as we put in a lot of effort and financial resources into getting pregnant. I just keep thinking "OMG, WHAT HAVE WE DONE?".
I don't get any buzz from seeing the foetus during the scans. Have also felt indifferent hearing the heartbeat. In fact, the idea of something growing inside me is creepy to me, at best. It's like an alien invasion that I permitted and now cannot manage.
The ladies here, you're all stars for speaking your minds. There's so much pressure to feel happy and excited and I have been feeling like a terrible person for being neither. You all made me feel a bit better. Thank you.

M1m0sa Thu 02-Nov-17 20:28:25

Me too. No bond, only a dreaded sense of responsibility that comes with housing an unborn. I can't even refer to it as "my baby". I just say "it", or "this thing"... I feel terrible for this but I can't seem to muster up any warm, fuzzy feelings at all. Truth be told, I feel resentful of the changes it has already brought into my life and the changes it will continue to bring. The whole idea seems awfully daunting. I'm terrified. I'm depressed. I don't want to be like this at all. I walk around in a daze wishing I had some way of knowing it would be like this. I wouldn't have done the last embryo transfer if I'd known.

butterybean Tue 07-Nov-17 08:54:52

Hey ladies.

Good news, I've now had our baby - taumatic birth, ended up with a c-section and am just about to leave hospital after a week long stay.

All the feelings i had through pregnancy have vanished and been replaced with so much love and affection for our baby. Im totally in love with him.

Just wanted to offer some reassurance, for anyone out there who feels similar to how I did. Pregnancy was a rough ride for me mentally but now it all seems worth it.

Much love flowers

hollowtree Tue 07-Nov-17 08:58:11

Totally normal. Plus with your partner leaving you have to deal with all of this alone. I can't believe how well you are doing! I wouldn't cope as well as you clearly are. So definitely don't beat yourself up xx

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