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How do I know if I want to have kids?

(17 Posts)
lamii Sat 19-Nov-16 12:53:26

Hi all,
I feel very pressured at 33 years old, I am still not sure I want to have a baby. I live abroad. My partner isn't against having a baby. We both seem to intellectualise too much and know the bad consequences too well. On top of top I don't my periods since I have stopped taking the pill. I have the option to try medication but I feel unsure. I find babies cute and I can imagine the good sides but something seems to hold me back...
How can I know I want a baby??

lamii Sat 19-Nov-16 12:55:24

Another thing: I really want to lose weight before going through a pregnancy but I am not able to. I have a normal weight but I am quite frightened by the big belly and would like to start at a lighter weight if possible.

sjj257 Sat 19-Nov-16 15:01:37

I think the decision to try for a baby is a big one and there will always be doubts. I had doubts when I found out I was pregnant again despite us trying, it's normal to be scared about a big lifestyle change. I guess the biggest question is how would you feel in 15 years time had you not had any children?

JeepersMcoy Sat 19-Nov-16 15:04:36

If you want a baby you know you want a baby. You dont actually have to have children of you don't want to.

PacificDogwod Sat 19-Nov-16 15:07:00

I have never 'wanted a baby' - I have 4 DCs grin

My advice?

Don't overthink it.
Do you see yourself as part of a family in the next 10, 20, 30 years? Adult children coming to visit (hopefully)? Grandchildren??
Well, then you better consider having your own children at some point.

If you don't, don't.
It's not compulsory to have children or to want children.

Personally, I find babies v hard work and not all that rewarding. They are cute and all, but really don't give me that much. Toddlers? Toddlers are insane - again, cute, funny, very very squidgable, but utterly unpredictable and a law upon themselves.
My children are now between 13 and 6 and I am very much enjoying their growing up, their chat, their way of seeing the world. It's great.
Babies/toddlers almost finished me off and almost ruined the relationship I have with my DH (well, he did. But that's a whole other story).

Tell others to bog off.
Your life, your life choice.

JeepersMcoy Sat 19-Nov-16 15:07:47

And I disagree with sjj. Why should the question be about how you would feel if you didn't have children? Surely it is about how you would feel if you did have children. Does the thought make you happy? Do the changes in your life feel like a big problem or something you can deal with?

There is an assumption that having a child is the default option, which puts a lot of pressure on women to have a child they don't really want just because they feel like they should.

BastardBernie Sat 19-Nov-16 15:08:04

Well logically it's a bit bloody crazy to have children.
But the love, care, good times and getting past the bad times beat any exotic holiday or flash car for me.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans Sat 19-Nov-16 15:09:35

I knew I didn't want kids and at 43 I know I made the right decision. Other MNers will tell you that while they didn't think they wanted kids, they had them anyway and were extremely happy.

Seeing as it's the ultimate commitment I would say "If in doubt, don't" but that's just me.

PacificDogwod Sat 19-Nov-16 15:10:07

Oh, I was 37 when I had number 1.
And overweight.
And loved my bump - bump is much nicer than a big overweight belly...
Are you in the UK?
Many antenatal clinics will now offer special support for overweight pregnant women to maintain their weight while they are expecting, so they end up lighter after delivery than they started out as.

You are overthinking it.
Stop.
If you want to try and conceive then speak to a dr about your periods.
If you don't, then it does not matter, does it?
If you are having unprotected interrourse, then please take Vit D and Folic acid because you can conceive before you've had a period.

LHReturns Sat 19-Nov-16 15:31:02

Agree wth Pacific 100%. I had my first at 38 and now at 41 I am pregnant with my second.

Neither pregnancy was 'desperately' wanted. The first was 'let's see what all the fuss is about' - and then got pregnant immediately. This second one is for all the reasons Pacific mentions above - I visualise more than one in my future family life. And I am partly doing it to provide a sibling for my DS.

I also found the newborn bit extremely tough and not very rewarding. DS is now 2.5 and this is my favourite time of all because of the communication potential.

I dunno...I think there is lots of grey area here. I'm not sure I agree that you need to WANT a child to have one. My life could have taken two very different paths but today - and only with hindsight - I am so relieved that I did go down the children path.

haveacupoftea Sat 19-Nov-16 18:27:24

Its ok if you're not ready just yet. But for me I just knew i wanted one, it was all consuming at times.

PacificDogwod Sat 19-Nov-16 18:31:35

I'm just coming back to say I'm a bit {blush] about how I went on...

To sum it all up, for me having children was a long game - I was never 'broody' for baby like some people are.
Also, I had DS4 4 weeks before my 44th birthday and had a fabulous pregnancy and delivery - no guarantees, of course not, but in my book it was worth the risk.
I do feel incredibly outnumbered, but, again, that's another story

LHReturns Sat 19-Nov-16 18:42:35

Aaaah Pacific all boys!!! I just found out my second is another boy and I could not be happier. All our four dogs are also boys - I love being surrounded by my boys.

I too have never felt 'broody'. I didn't even meet the father of my children until I was 37. Before then I didn't have a clue.

PacificDogwod Sat 19-Nov-16 18:43:34

grin

I also have a male dog and a guinea pig boar...

RobberBride Sat 19-Nov-16 23:10:50

lamii no matter what, you need to sort out your lack of periods - it isn't good for your bone health if you don't have periods, and osteoporosis is not much fun.

I came off the pill in Oct 14 and my periods didn't restart at all. The NHS were pretty good about investigations and treatment, but it still took until June 16 (20 months!) for me to ovulate and have a 'natural' period. I know you're abroad, so they might treat more aggressively, but something to think about. Might be worth trying to get your periods restarted through investigations/treatment, and by that point you might find you know one way or another about wanting a baby?

FWIW I don't agree with 'If you want a baby you know you want a baby' - I'd be more tempted to say 'only if you know you definitely don't want a baby, don't have a baby'. Lots of women who are ambivalent about motherhood turn out to be fantastic, enthusiastic mothers. Others who 'knew' they were meant to have a child can't get back to work fast enough and struggle through the early years. Like many things in life, it is a lot of luck and a lot of hard work.

LHReturns Sun 20-Nov-16 09:56:09

Hear hear Robber - I was absolutely that ambivalent woman (truthfully all the way until DS was about 9 months old). Now I cannot imagine not being a mother.

lamii Tue 22-Nov-16 14:05:07

Hi all, thanks for your replies!

And thanks RobberBride to encourage me to restore my health. I didn't know that not having periods could create such problems.
I believe there are natural ways to get the periods back - not chemical medication that was given by my gynaecologist- but that would take too long probably.

I am happy to hear from other women that they were unsure with that decision and this is a good way to put it : 'only if you know you definitely don't want a baby, don't have a baby'.

Thanks PacificDogwod suggesting me to take acid folic. I take vitamin D already. I have absolutely no clue when it the ovulation and I might need a device for that! According to my doctor who examined me, I am not able to ovulate with periods....hmm

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